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Please help - I don't know how to help my husband through this...
#11
(03-27-2018, 08:56 AM)Latkinson Wrote: Yeah we've had some issues with medical treatment last year - she gave consent for an operation we didn't feel was necessary - he ended up with a nasty infection on our wedding day Sad

The agreement you've suggested sounds actually kind of ideal. The biggest hurdle from our point of view is to figure out how to get him to and from school with only one car - if we can save enough pennies to buy another one it would be problem solved.

Having weekdays would make it far easier for us to be able to deal with the health concerns and educational concerns as we can do more reading with him etc. 

We actually wrote to the child's GP asking to see his records as the Mother was withholding information - they never contacted my husband but rang his ex. His ex got straight on the phone to my husband screaming down the phone at him - my husband could hear his son sobbing in the background. We never did get a response from the GP. We even offered to pay an admin fee for their time.

I have another question I wonder if you can help with - the child has told us that his mother is taking him away in August - this is fine with us - however she hasn't actually told us that yet. As there's no formal agreement in place only verbal, does she actually need to ask permission to take him away during "our time". We are going on our honeymoon in a few weeks and she has refused to have him the weekend we are away - said it's our time, our problem?

Re Doctors, see out template letter to them, http://www.separateddads.co.uk/letter-te...ities.html

If no Court Order exists, then your paretner is on the same legal standing as her.

It is normal on contact orders, for both parnets to have a 2 week block each in the summer, where a holiday can take place.

Regarding your Honeymoon, write to her by recorded delviery, putting her on notice that you will not be having the child for contact on xxx (the dates) due to you being on Honeymoon. When  a court order exists, if either parent was using childcare, then if the other parent was avalaibe, they would get the time is they asked the court. Therefore, to cover him, if you can arrange something, state in the same letter, that xxx has offered to have the child with them that weekend, if she is not able to make her own arrangements. That then means she can not use it as a reason to limit contact, if it does go to Court.

In terms of getting a 2nd car, it might reduce child support if you got the mid week visits, as you would have
2x 39 nights term time = 78
40 or 38 nights from the weekends, depending on if contact is on week 1 of a case year.
If he got half the school holidays, this would be 6.5 weeks, what would then take the nights over 156.
Note its only his Taxable Income what can be looked at, not any benefits you get as a couple or income you have. Should a child live with you that EITHER of you get Child Benefit for, then that would also reduce the amount. See https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance, so that might help you save for it.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#12
Thanks very much Smile

That's actually the letter I used. I did one for the school and one for the GP. The school have been amazing.

She has contacted my husband today to ask if my husband can have him over Easter hols. We've come to the agreement you guys have suggested below (but with every weekend rather than every other) and I now have to collect his son from his ex's house by myself on Tuesdays. Wish me luck, she hates me :Sad

We have an appointment with a family law solicitor tomorrow to explore options of either mediation or at least a formal agreement. I might see if we can include in that the dates of the honeymoon to get that sorted in writing - she's less likely to argue with a solicitors letter.
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#13
Side note. Ask your husband to take the kid to parties and go with him. It’s not about your husband, it’s about his son and what he wants to do. If he wants to go to a friends party then you suck it up. Be child focussed, not parent focussed.
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#14
As I mentioned, we only have one car and I work two jobs - if I'm at work my husband can't take him anyway, we do our best but quality time with his son is important. He sees his friends at school every day.
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#15
Seriously, it’s not about kid quality time with his son, it’s about his sons quality time with his dad and that likely means going to parties with his dad.
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#16
OK, thank you for your comments. I don't want to get into an argument about it - we came to this forum for support. We do our best with one car - his son understands and half the time he doesn't even know the name of the child whose party he has been invited to. If not being able to get his son to a party makes him a bad Dad then we're in trouble clearly.

(03-27-2018, 11:05 AM)MarkR Wrote:
(03-27-2018, 08:56 AM)Latkinson Wrote: Yeah we've had some issues with medical treatment last year - she gave consent for an operation we didn't feel was necessary - he ended up with a nasty infection on our wedding day Sad

The agreement you've suggested sounds actually kind of ideal. The biggest hurdle from our point of view is to figure out how to get him to and from school with only one car - if we can save enough pennies to buy another one it would be problem solved.

Having weekdays would make it far easier for us to be able to deal with the health concerns and educational concerns as we can do more reading with him etc. 

We actually wrote to the child's GP asking to see his records as the Mother was withholding information - they never contacted my husband but rang his ex. His ex got straight on the phone to my husband screaming down the phone at him - my husband could hear his son sobbing in the background. We never did get a response from the GP. We even offered to pay an admin fee for their time.

I have another question I wonder if you can help with - the child has told us that his mother is taking him away in August - this is fine with us - however she hasn't actually told us that yet. As there's no formal agreement in place only verbal, does she actually need to ask permission to take him away during "our time". We are going on our honeymoon in a few weeks and she has refused to have him the weekend we are away - said it's our time, our problem?

Re Doctors, see out template letter to them, http://www.separateddads.co.uk/letter-te...ities.html

If no Court Order exists, then your paretner is on the same legal standing as her.

It is normal on contact orders, for both parnets to have a 2 week block each in the summer, where a holiday can take place.

Regarding your Honeymoon, write to her by recorded delviery, putting her on notice that you will not be having the child for contact on xxx (the dates) due to you being on Honeymoon. When  a court order exists, if either parent was using childcare, then if the other parent was avalaibe, they would get the time is they asked the court. Therefore, to cover him, if you can arrange something, state in the same letter, that xxx has offered to have the child with them that weekend, if she is not able to make her own arrangements. That then means she can not use it as a reason to limit contact, if it does go to Court.

In terms of getting a 2nd car, it might reduce child support if you got the mid week visits, as you would have
2x 39 nights term time = 78
40 or 38 nights from the weekends, depending on if contact is on week 1 of a case year.
If he got half the school holidays, this would be 6.5 weeks, what would then take the nights over 156.
Note its only his Taxable Income what can be looked at, not any benefits you get as a couple or income you have. Should a child live with you that EITHER of you get Child Benefit for, then that would also reduce the amount. See https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance, so that might help you save for it.

MarkR, I just wanted to say thank you so much for your advice. We saw a solicitor last night and we talked about the kind of set up you proposed. She thinks it sounds totally reasonable and will be happy to draw up an agreement.

We are sleeping on it over the weekend as we are massively concerned about how the mother will react to it and are expecting a bit of a punishment, as she has agreed for us to have him more over the holidays we're nervous about rocking the boat right now.

We also need to make sure we can get the second car in place in time to take on the new agreement - if she agrees to it that is.

Thanks again for your help.
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