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How do you start again...
#1
Hi, I’ve been reading posts on here for a while and, well basically tonight I need some advice...

It’s not about the separation or the divorce... I’ll ask about that later when it starts ;I’ve saod I’ll support her until she has finished her masters, again i know I’m being shafted but at the time I wasn’t in the right place mentally to say no and I made a commitment and I stick to them once I’ve made them).... we separate 6 months ago... not my decision... yes I made mistakes and at times my behaviour was less then exemplary but, I’ve been in therapy for 18 months (issues from childhood impacting on my adult life) and I’ve realised it’s not all me! I’m not totally to blame and she made the decision that she didn’t love me (might have been the lecture she was shagging!!) so... although we haven’t started the divorce and I know I’m being ripped off financially... how do you start again?

I left my home town at 18... we were married at 22... at that time I was in the military so we moved around a lot... we moved to be in her home town after my medical discharge and after I retrained at uni...

After the separation I moved to a town 10 miles from her and my 2 kids. Access is good, she understands they are my life, I get them every other weekwnd and 1 night a week so I know I have it easy compared to some of you guys on here but...

I live in a town where I know no one... my work means I’m the only bloke... I’m surrounded by either 50+ year old women or 21 year olds (they ars good to look at but not the age to go out with lol) but I’m just 39...

I have no friends in the area... all of our social life was around her friends... and, as expected, they have stayed true to her (despite her family and a some friends messaging me saying they think she is in the wrong, they have all stayed true to her)...

All of my family live 150 miles away... I have a few old friends that I have made contact with again but, again they live at least 100 miles away...

How the hell do you make new friends at 39?!? (I’m in Fareham in Hampshire of any of you want a tag along lol)...

My work is quite demanding do the weeks do fly buy but... as sad as it is to say, I’m lonely...

Any advice on how I start to meet people? I’m not out to find a relationship... I’m deffo not ready for that but... I’d like to meet some guys to you out and watch the rugby, have a beer, just be... I need a man pack lol!

Anyone else on here in the same situation?

Hobbies... well I don’t really have any... my life has been about providing for her and the kids and I’ve always put my stuff on hold... so much so that I don’t even know where to begin...

Sorry to ramble but... how the feck do you meet “mates” at nearly 40!!!

Thanks for any advice!!
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#2
Oh man that's tough....sorry to hear what you going through...think you just need to get yourself out there...try to take up some new sport or hobby or do somthing you want to do or maybe somthing you would have loved to do but didn't have the time..so many groups and clubs out there now....groups for everything now a days. It's not easy I know...when your life has been put on hold for your family, it's hard to get it back again...
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#3
Wish the story didn’t sound familiar. I put everything into my family and felt utterly lost and a bit pointless when I lost what I had.

But remember this.

The only constant in life is change. Denying that is the cause of suffering.

Practicalities.

Join a dating website. Go on dates. Just to meet new people. They might suck but every one is a small boast and gets you better at meeting someone you’ll really like.

Join a gym
Go to weekly exercise classes or boxing or Thai boxing
Find a local board games club or night
Look for local study groups or book clubs
Join a amateur sports team
Challenge yourself to read a non fiction book a week
Join a cycling club. Train for a race.
Look up old friends and travel on the weekends without the kids. Grab a beer.
Start an open university course
Start an evening class in something
Join a local amateur art group

Read read read. Study study study. Know yourself.

I didn’t. I still don’t. But I know *myself* far better now than I ever did.
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#4
(04-20-2018, 10:49 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: I didn’t. I still don’t. But I know *myself* far better now than I ever did.

How do you know?
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#5
Because I’ve spent a great deal of time looking at myself as objectively as I can. I’ve meditated on myself, I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve brainstormed what my true life goals are in detail, I’ve sought the opinions of friends and experts alike on how they view me and my actions, I’ve studied theories of life satisfaction from Greece to India to Rome and back again. I’ve looked at why I spend my time doing, how much I can avoid doing challenging work on myself and just watch tv or worse fall into a drinking hole.

I know my true self better than I did. But only a fraction as well as I could. The work is a journey not a destination. I’m a life long learner and what better thing to learn about than myself.
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#6
Install the meetups app - it's for social groups in your area
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#7
Meet up is great. I’ve used that before. It will show you all the things locally happening and you can just turn up and meet people Smile
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#8
(04-21-2018, 06:23 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Because I’ve spent a great deal of time looking at myself as objectively as I can. I’ve meditated on myself, I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve brainstormed what my true life goals are in detail, I’ve sought the opinions of friends and experts alike on how they view me and my actions, I’ve studied theories of life satisfaction from Greece to India to Rome and back again. I’ve looked at why I spend my time doing, how much I can avoid doing challenging work on myself and just watch tv or worse fall into a drinking hole.

I know my true self better than I did. But only a fraction as well as I could. The work is a journey not a destination. I’m a life long learner and what better thing to learn about than myself.

Interesting. Thanks.
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#9
(04-21-2018, 06:23 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Because I’ve spent a great deal of time looking at myself as objectively as I can. I’ve meditated on myself, I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve brainstormed what my true life goals are in detail, I’ve sought the opinions of friends and experts alike on how they view me and my actions, I’ve studied theories of life satisfaction from Greece to India to Rome and back again. I’ve looked at why I spend my time doing, how much I can avoid doing challenging work on myself and just watch tv or worse fall into a drinking hole.

I know my true self better than I did. But only a fraction as well as I could. The work is a journey not a destination. I’m a life long learner and what better thing to learn about than myself.

Spot on. I realised recently that if I can be comfortable with who I am, and content with what I have - that really is something worth achieving.
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#10
I know it sounds daft but the best thing I did was join a ukulele band. There's something innately funny about it. The music's good for you - I don't know how that works - and sometimes I just stop playing and sit there with a big stupid grin on my face. I joined all the groups I could at the start but have largely narrowed it down to men-dominated groups: ukulele, piano that sort of thing. I steadily pulled out of women-dominated groups. For one thing they like to show concern but really they like to gossip. The worst thing I tried was Scottish country dancing. Don't touch it. The dances are like something out of Bletchley Park, the music dull, the steps make you look like a pansy and feel like a total idiot and the women all about 70 at least.
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