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Advice needed please
#1
Sad 
Good Morning All,

Married for 8 years- for the last 7 years, stbx wife has been a SAHM- before that had a decent career. We have 3 children 7, 5, and 2 and the youngest is at home with her so no childcare costs.

The M had problems for a while and just after Xmas she told me she didn't love me anymore and in love with another man. She left the MH and went to her mums, she blamed me for the R breakdown claiming I was abusive etc- exaggerated lies- I was still in the MH until I was falsley accused of assualt on her new partner- she then also accused me of coercive behaviour- which was again false- as I had to give a statement to the Police and they brought no charges- they did charge me with assault and I was bailed not to return to the MH- the case was later dropped as it was all fabricated - it was him who assualted me as I only wanted to see my children. She has also disclosed in her police statements that he is "her future" and is her new partner- (and I have proof of adultery) So while on bail I was forced to leave the MH and stay at my mum's- I am still there as I did not wnt to land myself back on another charge she could use against me in the Family Court down the line.

Up until now she has been OK with access to the children- speaking via skype every day- seeing them most evenings at bath time and story time- and having them at weekends- although she says when etc. All communication is done my text and I keep records of time spent to demonstrate no issues with the Children etc.

My issue is she is flatly refusing to talk, and even though I would be free to return to the MH I don't want to overly upset the children- but nor do I want to disadvantage my opportunity settle things financially. She originally said she would talk- as while I am at my mums I cannot have my children overnight and it isn't fair on them- so I suggested mediation to agree the financial situation and the child access situation. When we did start talking she wouldn't listen and was very argumentative- and I said again this was why we needed to involve a 3rd party.

Things started to get better and the home we own is jointly owned 50/50- I pay for everything as she never worked- so all the bills- the food - basically everything- and there is no way I could afford all this and afford somewhere else to live- she has applied for benefits etc. and she keeps telling me "she will get it in a few weeks" she is stalling. She did say that I could come home for maybe a couple of nights a week so I could spend time with the children etc. and I thought great "will you go to your mums?" (where she had stayed previously) and eh refused. When I brought up the idea of selling the home in order to move on she accused me of trying to "sell the house and make the children homeless" and I said I wasn't, but it isn't fair that I am stuck at my mums and not able to be a proper father to my children. The youngest is 2 1/2 years old, and she still breastfeeds him (yes I know) 

In the meantime, she is at home getting everything paid and with benefits about to come on stream- and even though she has told friends and family that her relationship with the new man is over, I know for certain he is there most nights- and whilst I understand  cannot stop who she sees- it does wind me up that I am paying for everything while she is getting the MH and all the bills paid for.

I offered to pay for mediation- and I would even be prepared to forego any claim on the equity in the house in return for a financial clean break (other than CM) as he is on the scene and I need to get on and move on with my life. Her mum and dad could (if they wanted to) be mortgage guarantors as they are mortgage free- in their 70's and my STBX stand to inherit the lions share of the house and assets- as they don't speak to their son (not sure if this is an option)

My dad is pretty old school and he is like "why are you paying for anything, she has had the affair and you re paying for her to live in your house while he's there it stinks" and I must admit- when I am stuck in the little bedroom at my mums knowing he is round at my house it does p*ss me off

Financial wise- there is not a huge amount of money in it- The house value is £250k and the outstanding balance is £203k and with early redemption fees and solicitors fees, plus the shared debt we owe (Joint bank account) it would be around £15k I figure- My workplace pension has a CETV of £27k.

If she doesn't want to come to the table what can I do?
As she has said she is OK with me going back home to spend time with the children- would it be a good idea to go back and stay there?
Is the idea of me removing my name from the mortgage and getting her mum and dad to guarantor a goer?
I would like to get myself a clean break so I can begin to restart from this mess- and ideas?
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#2
Nightmare. Ok so a lot going on there. Have you actually had mediation then or did she refuse to go (and if she refused to go do you have it in writing? eg text or email).

I don't know much about the financial and legal aspects of divorce - others might. I would focus on getting the Child Arrangements sorted. That way when you come to do the financial bits for the divorce, she can't hold you to ransom by witholding contact with the children unless you pay xyz. Although appreciate staying over is difficult if at your parents. It's not impossible though - is there room to have them there as well? Bunk beds?

So she moved back into the FMH? She probably had advice - getting you arrested and moving back in, as otherwise the kids would have been living with you.

I wouldn't want to stay overnight in the same house - unless she wanted to do the birds nest parenting thing (link below) - I think also you're not classed as separated if you stay in the same house overnight (in terms of the 2 year separation rule). I'll wait to see what others say as to whether it may or may not help. Especially if you're getting regular contact. It's important to keep that as it undermines any accusations she's made if she's allowing contact (as well as the obvious of wanting to see your kids). Do you think she is still breast feeding just to prevent overnight stays? I believe there is a thing that children under 2 don't generally get overnights due to breast feeding. It'll have to stop sooner or later! So do they stay over with you at week-ends or just during the day.

Way forward could be - turn your bedroom at your Mum's into a kids room and have a bed downstairs (do they have a separate dining room or something that could be turned into a bedroom? And get overnight stays and when everything else is sorted out, move to your own place.

I guess when she gets single Mum benefits they will pay housing benefit towards the mortgage and she'll still be getting all the child tax credits. If you only had to pay Child Maintenance, could you afford then to rent?

I would keep communication by text or email now - so you have things in writing in case you go to court over the Child Arrangements. But make sure you don't get into any arguments in writing as it works both ways (it can be used against you). Keep it fairly formal as if writing to a business colleague and not on a personal level, but not unfriendly either. So you always come across as reasonable and polite. And don't get into text or email dialogues that go back and forth. If you put a suggestion and get a rant back then don't reply. That's your answer. Don't respond to abusive or nasty emails or try and defend yourself. If you don't reply it's harrassment by her (if it happens a lot anyway) and if you do it's classed as an argument.

If she agreed to the birds nest thing would you want to do that? I think the main reason for not staying over if she is there is it maybe isn't good for the kids (I think kids want parents to get back together and it gives them hope and keeps upsetting them) but also she might accuse you of something else. Might be best to always have a witness if you see her.

You could try writing to her and suggesting the Bird's Nest thing. She'll probably say no. But it's evidence you tried to sort out something reasonable.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family...o-divorce/

If she won't agree to overnight stays with you or the birds nest thing then I'd go for an initial mediation session (assuming you haven't already) - you can organise it yourself without going through a solicitor. Tends to be quicker organising it yourself. The first session is on your own and is a MIAM and the mediator will probably suggest writing to the ex and asking her to attend. Once she knows you've gone for mediation she might realise you could be going to apply to court so she may get difficult. So you could ask the mediator to wait before informing/inviting her until you've decided whether going to court for an order for Child Arrangements is the way forward.

If you can get child arrangements sorted amicably (ish) and get agreement in writing as to how it will work then that might help for now to get things established. You could have an increasing thing where you set out in writing that you'd like to continue with every week-end and coming round at bath and bedtime for the next month and then have the two eldest staying over at week-ends and come round x times a week or whatever.
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#3
You need to stop paying for all the bills on the marital home apart from the mortgage and buildings insurance.
Politely inform her that she needs to take on the utilities and council tax.
She's entitled to lots of benefits and you need all the money you can get.
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#4
There is no housing benefit for mortgages but there is was help for mortgage interest payments (SMI) but this is ending and will become a loan in future.

If neither of you can afford the house then it may well have to be sold by court agreement.

Under Universal Credit she will have to look for part time work when the youngest turns 3 years old, will have to work school hours when youngest is 8 and full time when youngest is 13.

She has had plenty of time to claim and presumably benefits are already being paid. Time to let her pay all her own utility bills and just pay the mortgage (until an agreement is reached) and any child maintenance.
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#5
Thanks for correcting the bit about housing benfits Hazy. I meant the mortgage interest payments but didn't realise it was changing.
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#6
(04-27-2018, 09:40 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: So she moved back into the FMH?  She probably had advice - getting you arrested and moving back in, as otherwise the kids would have been living with you.

She had orginally moved out to her mums with the 3 children- It was when the false alegations of Assault I was bailed not to return to the Family Home-otherwise I would still be there.

I wouldn't want to stay overnight in the same house - unless she wanted to do the birds nest parenting thing (link below) - I think also you're not classed as separated if you stay in the same house overnight (in terms of the 2 year separation rule).  I'll wait to see what others say as to whether it may or may not help.  Especially if you're getting regular contact. It's important to keep that as it undermines any accusations she's made if she's allowing contact (as well as the obvious of wanting to see your kids).  Do you think she is still breast feeding just to prevent overnight stays?  I believe there is a thing that children under 2 don't generally get overnights due to breast feeding. It'll have to stop sooner or later!  So do they stay over with you at week-ends or just during the day.

At the moment she is allowing me to bath the kids most nights and do the bed time story- and each Morning I facetime them- Weekends are usually that i have them 10am-1pm Saturday and half day Sunday too- so this isn't ideal but at least she is letting me have access. I suggested the birdnesting thing and she said she would ask her parents if it was a goer although she said "they will probably say no" personally I cannot see why this is such an issue- even if it is a couple of night each week. I would go for unreasonable behaviour in the Divirce so woudn't do the 2 year separation rule in any case.


Way forward could be - turn your bedroom at your Mum's into a kids room and have a bed downstairs (do they have a separate dining room or something that could be turned into a bedroom?  And get overnight stays and when everything else is sorted out, move to your own place.

My ex isn't keen on this as "my mums house stinks" (she smokes) which is why I thought the birdnest idea is a good one- 

I guess when she gets single Mum benefits they will pay housing benefit towards the mortgage and she'll still be getting all the child tax credits.  If you only had to pay Child Maintenance, could you afford then to rent?

Yes- just about- I could even potentially get a 2nd Mortgage but not sure if you can do that- I have googled "can I get a 2nd Mortgage" and the results are unclear so I will need financial advice on this matter.

I would keep communication by text or email now - so you have things in writing in case you go to court over the Child Arrangements.  But make sure you don't get into any arguments in writing as it works both ways (it can be used against you).  Keep it fairly formal as if writing to a business colleague and not on a personal level, but not unfriendly either.  So you always come across as reasonable and polite.  And don't get into text or email dialogues that go back and forth.  If you put a suggestion and get a rant back then don't reply.  That's your answer.  Don't respond to abusive or nasty emails or try and defend yourself. If you don't reply it's harrassment by her (if it happens a lot anyway) and if you do it's classed as an argument.

Up until now, she is being fairly amicable with allowing me to see the children- they still don't fully understand what is going on- they keep saying things like "why can't you just say sorry?" and "Why can't you come home Daddy?" worryingly though, the other day, my little boy who walked out of the room while I was reading his bedtime story, came back into the room and I had put the book away, he came back in the room and I said "come on it's bedtime now" and he said "but you haven't finished the story" and I said that "it's late and you left the room, so I will finish it tomorrow noght, come on get in bed it's past your bedtime" he then looked at me and said "If you don't finish the story, I won't let you see us again" this was understandbly heartbreaking- and I can only wonder why he said that.

If she agreed to the birds nest thing would you want to do that?  I think the main reason for not staying over if she is there is it maybe isn't good for the kids (I think kids want parents to get back together and it gives them hope and keeps upsetting them) but also she might accuse you of something else.  Might be best to always have a witness if you see her.

You could try writing to her and suggesting the Bird's Nest thing.  She'll probably say no.  But it's evidence you tried to sort out something reasonable.

I asked her in writing for this option, and as I put up further in the thread- she is avoiding giving me a firm answer- she did however say I could stay over a couple of nights in the spare room downstairs- it is a totally seperate room with a single bed and a telly and it's own bathroom- I could potentially use that to avoid any prolonged contact with her- and I was thinking this might be a possible solution- although given she has accused me in the past of abuse- I would need to probably get CCTV in the house- is this a good idea?

Although I take you poitn about if she is there too it may confuse the children. I never wanted to leave the MH.


If you can get child arrangements sorted amicably (ish) and get agreement in writing as to how it will work then that might help for now to get things established.  You could have an increasing thing where you set out in writing that you'd like to continue with every week-end and coming round at bath and bedtime for the next month and then have the two eldest staying over at week-ends and come round x times a week or whatever.

I will put together the plan and send it over in writing to her. And let you all know.

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Also- it is the childrens Birthday next month and we were due to take them away for the day- for a family day out to the theme park- and I suggested if we were both amicable and put the children first, I would have no issue going with her and the children to give the children a good day out- is this a good idea do you think?
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#7
You can get a second mortgage if you pass affordability checks. There was a new rule announced in the last budget designed to help divorcing couples with reducing stamp duty on second homes which is good.
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#8
mate I really sympathise. I thought I had problems with my ex.
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#9
(05-04-2018, 12:17 PM)Hazy Wrote: You can get a second mortgage if you pass affordability checks. There was a new rule announced in the last budget designed to help divorcing couples with reducing stamp duty on second homes which is good.

Do you know if you have to demonstrate divorce proceedings have started or is the fact you are not living in the mortgaged address sufficient?
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#10
Not sure about that. Whilst it has been announced it is hard to find a write up on it explaining it all.

I did have a link which I have since been unable to find. It was from the Times paper.

A wee bit of information - https://www.kjsmith.co.uk/media/our-blog...surcharges
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