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Stories of winning!
#1
Hi Guys, 

The title is a bit false and worded incorrectly, I dont mean WINNING as we are not hear for a game, But it would be a lie if I said most of us have been burnt or done wrongly by our previous partners... 

How (if you have) did you conquer , overcome , beat , and win and get back to a happy place ?

I think it would be an interesting read - especially for those who are freshly going through the huge uphill battles with a toxic ex and to show that if you dont just roll over and give in, we can come out the end with a bit of life left in us. 

I had a beer with an old school friend at the weekend who broke with his Ex 6 months previous to me breaking with mine. 
He had a real rough time as his Ex claimed that was physical with her other child during an argument. This was naturally untrue - He broke down to me when this all happened and Ive know the chap for 20 years. 
Based on her stories of this she was able to stop him seeing her, her other child whom he had become very attahced to and of course his/their own daughter for quite some time. The police were involved and although it was not proven and I think the police kind of believed him, the stigma and bad mouthing and local abuse from mums at the school has stuck with him. 

He has always wanted to seek revenge - to which after explaining that isnt always the 'best' way (although many of us would love to!) He has just started a new relationship which holds 2 MASSIVE BONUSES , One - She is young and very attractive and they get on very well indeed, and Two - The new woman lives opposite his Ex!! 
Her daughter plays with his daughter over the park, he has a court order to see his daughter. But the cream on the cake was when he was cutting the new Mrs grass the other week and the Ex and his Daughter walks out of the house and see's him. His daughter is thrilled and his Ex is fuming - apparently. 

He says that its not ideal long term as might become awkward but they are looking to buy a new house together in the near future. 

Epic Win - and a rub in the face to suit.
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#2
Interesting,
There was never one thing that I could call a win it was lots of things.
The basic premise is, my ex hated the fact I gave up on her, not because she loved me but because of ego. She openly wished me to fail without her.
When I first left her I had nothing, my parents lived an hour away so I had to take my 1 year old daughter to the local supermarket cafe or beg my friends to let me come to their house with my child. Dark times.

I worked on my career, I found a rented room in a house nearby, I had my daughter as much as possible.
When I finally went consulting earning a lot of money the ex was extremely resentful. It was like winning the lottery, I got a 3 bed house in the same road as ex, found a partner, we get on great and she is such a nice person, everyone tells me what an upgrade she is. I calmly asked for 50/50 and the ex fought me EVERY step of the way. Eventually we got to court and she was forced to agree to a 5/9 split. Not ideal but a massive step for 50/50 shared residence one day.
So despite the fact I worry about EVERYTHING, I know my ex is in a very sticky situation, she escaped taking the stand in court and defending her lies but she does know if she makes a mistake she'll be back in court losing her sole residency order.

The wins are little, and every day I get closer to equal parenting. She tried to make me into a McDonalds dad, her babysitter. Now she HAS to agree to a change this weekend so I can take daughter to a party, because Ive changed many times and she can no longer behave like she's entitled to say no, or that my time is less important, because she knows what it will look like in court.

They say there are no winners in family court and I completely get that, my ex and I have spent the cost of a private education on fighting each other. But I still believe my daughter has won. She has taken to the changes like a duck to water is an extremely happy child. Yet something else my ex is fuming about, she hates that our daughter loves and sees us as equal parents.
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#3
(05-22-2018, 09:05 AM)Naive Wrote: Interesting,
There was never one thing that I could call a win it was lots of things.
The basic premise is, my ex hated the fact I gave up on her, not because she loved me but because of ego. She openly wished me to fail without her.
When I first left her I had nothing, my parents lived an hour away so I had to take my 1 year old daughter to the local supermarket cafe or beg my friends to let me come to their house with my child. Dark times.

I worked on my career, I found a rented room in a house nearby, I had my daughter as much as possible.
When I finally went consulting earning a lot of money the ex was extremely resentful. It was like winning the lottery, I got a 3 bed house in the same road as ex, found a partner, we get on great and she is such a nice person, everyone tells me what an upgrade she is. I calmly asked for 50/50 and the ex fought me EVERY step of the way. Eventually we got to court and she was forced to agree to a 5/9 split. Not ideal but a massive step for 50/50 shared residence one day.
So despite the fact I worry about EVERYTHING, I know my ex is in a very sticky situation, she escaped taking the stand in court and defending her lies but she does know if she makes a mistake she'll be back in court losing her sole residency order.

The wins are little, and every day I get closer to equal parenting. She tried to make me into a McDonalds dad, her babysitter. Now she HAS to agree to a change this weekend so I can take daughter to a party, because Ive changed many times and she can no longer behave like she's entitled to say no, or that my time is less important, because she knows what it will look like in court.

They say there are no winners in family court and I completely get that, my ex and I have spent the cost of a private education on fighting each other. But I still believe my daughter has won. She has taken to the changes like a duck to water is an extremely happy child. Yet something else my ex is fuming about, she hates that our daughter loves and sees us as equal parents.

My MAN!! That is winning! Getting the opportunity to equal parenting and not having your child brainwashed is a huge win. 
Us fathers often get the brunt end of the deal and are made out to not care as much as we actually do. 
We do have to fight for a natural right to be a parent and to be honest its a waste of money on both sides of the fence , but we sadly dont live in an ideal world. 
But - small steps just as in your case does make up for alot of lost ground in the long run. 

Please keep us updated on things bud, I love hearing that there is hope for us - especially when we are all too often pushed into a corner.
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#4
(05-22-2018, 09:28 AM)FlogginAdeadHorse Wrote:
(05-22-2018, 09:05 AM)Naive Wrote: Interesting,
There was never one thing that I could call a win it was lots of things.
The basic premise is, my ex hated the fact I gave up on her, not because she loved me but because of ego. She openly wished me to fail without her.
When I first left her I had nothing, my parents lived an hour away so I had to take my 1 year old daughter to the local supermarket cafe or beg my friends to let me come to their house with my child. Dark times.

I worked on my career, I found a rented room in a house nearby, I had my daughter as much as possible.
When I finally went consulting earning a lot of money the ex was extremely resentful. It was like winning the lottery, I got a 3 bed house in the same road as ex, found a partner, we get on great and she is such a nice person, everyone tells me what an upgrade she is. I calmly asked for 50/50 and the ex fought me EVERY step of the way. Eventually we got to court and she was forced to agree to a 5/9 split. Not ideal but a massive step for 50/50 shared residence one day.
So despite the fact I worry about EVERYTHING, I know my ex is in a very sticky situation, she escaped taking the stand in court and defending her lies but she does know if she makes a mistake she'll be back in court losing her sole residency order.

The wins are little, and every day I get closer to equal parenting. She tried to make me into a McDonalds dad, her babysitter. Now she HAS to agree to a change this weekend so I can take daughter to a party, because Ive changed many times and she can no longer behave like she's entitled to say no, or that my time is less important, because she knows what it will look like in court.

They say there are no winners in family court and I completely get that, my ex and I have spent the cost of a private education on fighting each other. But I still believe my daughter has won. She has taken to the changes like a duck to water is an extremely happy child. Yet something else my ex is fuming about, she hates that our daughter loves and sees us as equal parents.

My MAN!! That is winning! Getting the opportunity to equal parenting and not having your child brainwashed is a huge win. 
Us fathers often get the brunt end of the deal and are made out to not care as much as we actually do. 
We do have to fight for a natural right to be a parent and to be honest its a waste of money on both sides of the fence , but we sadly dont live in an ideal world. 
But - small steps just as in your case does make up for alot of lost ground in the long run. 

Please keep us updated on things bud, I love hearing that there is hope for us - especially when we are all too often pushed into a corner.

ROFL
Ive just got an email from solicitor, despite my agreeing to her holiday in good faith, if she agrees to the petty crap she is arguing about on the draft order. She has reneged and not agreed it lol. So now it has to go back to the judges.
There are 3 bank holidays in the summer that aren't covered by the order, IF any of the 3 land on my days each year then I keep her until the Tuesday morning. Ex wants to change it to 6pm on the bank holiday instead of the next morning.
I would be laughing my arse off it if it weren't for the fact its costing thousands to piss about like this.
Hey ho
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#5
(05-22-2018, 08:29 AM)FlogginAdeadHorse Wrote: How (if you have) did you conquer , overcome , beat , and win and get back to a happy place ?

As the resident Buddhist, I might get stick for this but.... I won by realising that conquering, beating and winning never lead to a happy place. What brings happiness is recognising the urge to do so, and then not doing it. Detaching from the ego that wants to win, detaching from the harm that has been caused to us and forgiving the person who did it, with love.

Anything else, winning or losing, just perpetuates the cycle of emotional involvement, and that is not healthy.

Not that I haven't had plenty of fantasies, but I spot them for what they are and how harmful even thinking them is to me

Smile
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#6
It took me a long time to understand what and who I was angry at, thoughts of revenge certainly entered my mind.

Then I accidentally jabbed my phone while on whatsapp and it generated a stays like facebook, the only people to check it were my ex and her family (at like 3am) and I thought how pathetic it was that I was still a focus for their lives.

The very fact I exist and didn't give up on my quest to get access to my daughter infuriated them.

The best revenge is living well.

If they want to waste their time and energy on me and what I'm doing, good luck to them because my life is going great and that really grates at them.

When the contact centre and cafcass backed me up and seeing how my ex reacted (like a spoilt child) oh man... I could have eaten the air it was that delicious
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#7
(05-22-2018, 11:03 AM)Tamagoto Wrote:
(05-22-2018, 08:29 AM)FlogginAdeadHorse Wrote: How (if you have) did you conquer , overcome , beat , and win and get back to a happy place ?

As the resident Buddhist, I might get stick for this but.... I won by realising that conquering, beating and winning never lead to a happy place. What brings happiness is recognising the urge to do so, and then not doing it. Detaching from the ego that wants to win, detaching from the harm that has been caused to us and forgiving the person who did it, with love.

Anything else, winning or losing, just perpetuates the cycle of emotional involvement, and that is not healthy.

Not that I haven't had plenty of fantasies, but I spot them for what they are and how harmful even thinking them is to me

Smile

What makes you think we'll give you stick ha ha.

I do definitely agree with what youre saying though. Any "revenge" I got is simply a byproduct of doing well in my life, providing a home for my daughter, being happy and staying reasonable. She will perpetuate the petty battles, she'll get one over on me sometimes and Ill do things she doesnt like sometimes. But she cant take my daughter away anymore so Im far  calmer and confident to let the little shit go.

Favourite quote from the imitable Tyler Durden.

"the ability to let that which does not matter, truly slide"
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#8
I do agree to an extent of 99% that the energy it takes to plot and actively be going back and forth with tit for tat arguments all the time simply is too draining. I think most of it comes from growing up - I find that the older I get the less drama I want and infact the less people I know.
Being a normal Jack the lad in my youth - 15 years ago I could of argued a point for hours if i believed i was right, Now... what does it really matter. I am lucky enough to have a court order in place, I see my daughter nowhere near as much as I want to BUT i do see her and my time with her is priceless.
My ex is much older than I and although I get weekly emails ranting at this and demanding that.. I probably respond to 20% of them and only if they are of an interest or a benefit to my daughter. Sadly she's still very set on making my life difficult , but if ignored .... its really only a one way conversation and argument.
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#9
(05-22-2018, 08:29 AM)FlogginAdeadHorse Wrote: How (if you have) did you conquer , overcome , beat , and win and get back to a happy place ?

its surprising but the courts have actually given me a helping hand against a horrifically negative and manipulative mother

Basically the kid's mom came up with many half truths or incomplete statements and went ex parte to the courts

I ended up having to leave our house even tho judge made no findings and have spent the last 18 months trying to work back to getting reasonable time with my kids

at the end of the child arrangements order hearing the judge gave me more time than the mother and cafcass had suggested... not a huge amount but its the very fact it was in excess of what was being discussed by the mom and the authorities that was vindication for me


kids mom went back to court to try and renew the non mol order when it expired but judge declined to do so.

kids mom went back to court to try and claim I was in contempt of the court undertaking; judge not only declined to punish me for the breaches (which were technically true but I stated were with reasonable excuse), but has also opened up the Child Arrangement order which I have been painstakingly saving up to apply for. This was a total and welcome surprise.

Judge waived the fee and speeded up the process by 3-4 months. Now this is not a "win" by any stretch, as I would never wish the courts process on anyone..... however it appears that focussed perseverance (ie keep your focus on your kids and not their mom) may pay off in the long run.

I head back to court in July so fingers crossed.
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