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Please help, what do i do?
#11
Coercive control is the latest thing these days (for accusing abuse and domestic violence). So she's trying that on. As Mark says you need to apply to court. It's important to do it asap so you can state the circumstances as they are now in your application, whereas if you wait and she makes further allegations and you get arrested it could be harder. Main thing now is - keep any communication with her in writing (text or email) as it's evidence and can be used as evidence. But also probably better not to contact her directly or you could be accused of something else. Don't see her on your own.

She has probably had legal advice - solicitors act for the clients (not for the sake of justice, fairness or children) and may well have advised her how to proceed to get what she wants. Unfortunately with divorce and separation, it can get nasty and vindictive. If she wasn't feeling like that she would presumably accept the children need both parents. What it comes down to probably is fear of you having custody.

I would suggest getting a half hour's free legal advice as well, but you can just submit the application on your own. Ask for 50/50 shared care. You're not likely to get full residence unless it's by agreement or unless there are serious welfare issues with her. What she is trying to do is say there are welfare issues with you.

Just get the application in asap as it can take a few months to get sorted. You should have an interim hearing within 4 to 6 weeks and get interim contact time with the kids ordered until a full hearing when you get an order for the regular time with them at your home.

Is she nearby and are they still going to the same school?
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#12
An update... I had been told by the solicitors letter I would be granted 90 mins with the kids on Sunday in a local park with her and mate (I've not agreed to it), and not to contact her.

Wife later sent me text messages about meeting in the park, and on the day when she was at the park texting that she was waiting there. She also sent messages to my mum asking where I was. I didn't go and I didn't reply (as I had been told not to contact her) and I hadn't agreed to the arrangement.

This morning I was going to a shop just as she was dropping the kids off to school. Kids got out of the car and she told them to go over to me, say hello and give me a hug. Wife asked why I didn't go on Sunday or reply to her. I said I was told not to contact her. She said she was going to instruct the solicitor to say that text messages from me would be OK. She then invited me to take the kids into the school playground with her.

Afterwards, she said I'd be seeing the kids again for 90 mins in a local cafe on Thursday (she said it with enthusiasm as if that was a great offer). I said 90 mins twice a week wasn't acceptable and not fair on the kids. I said the allegations are not true either and I will have to reply with the truth if she doesn't withdraw them, so best to scrap her solicitors letter and start again fresh.

I have now given her an opportunity not to escalate the situation and to step-back. It's a good time to do so as I think her parents have now left so she will have a bit of space to think and for once have to look after the kids on her own. I will now wait until Thursday (the cafe date) for her solicitor to contact me.
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#13
You might be giving her the opportunity to step back but it doesn't mean you should hold back with getting everything for you hurried through as soon as possible. Do not relent, do not pause for breath. Everything takes so long and the longer things are the way they are the more likely it is that they will stay that way. Good luck.
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#14
Have just seen her again by chance. I was walking and she drove past, she then did a loop of the local roads to pass me again and then stopped the car so the kids could say hello.

She asked me about meeting on Thursday for my 90 mins access at a cafe. She seemed to be looking forwards to it. I said I was waiting to see what happens with her solicitors letter before deciding. She said she was only going to tell the solicitor to add the change that I would be allowed to contact her by text. I said I didn't want to meet with that solicitors letter hanging over me and I told her that I had been advised that two 90 mins meets per week wasn't good enough.

She said she wasn't ready to discuss access and that the two 90 min meets per week were only for one month. I said that wasn't acceptable and I'd been told to take action as quick as possible but I thought we could sort it out over a cup of tea.

I also said I accept the relationship is over and I was looking to move-on if she is 100% sure, to which she had a bit of a fixed stare. She seemed unsure or perhaps thinking of someone else.

I said I had spent £100 on the house (the family home where I live and she has left) today with my own money. She said I could have used the joint account.

She said that she would call me tomorrow night, I said tonight, she said she couldn't tonight and then changed her mind saying she will call tonight.
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#15
You can tell her you want 50/50 or she can F off in my opinion. However, I'd keep it all via solicitor. Talk face to face if you want but she'll only offer something laughable most likely.

This is important, the child access is separate from the divorce and separate from the financial settlement you'll need to do. All of those should be started now at the same time or it will be quite literally years until all of this is settled and you can actually move on with your life. All of it can be backed out of, right up until the last minute, but it takes a lot of time to get the wheels in motion so start that right away. Get a mediation appointment booked for one thing.
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#16
The latest is that I have given a voluntary statement to the police who say no further action is required. She had claimed that she had never been happy since we got together 25 years ago... despite us getting married, wanting and having kids together etc.

Then on Father's Day, we all went bowling (she booked it) but when I got there she said she wouldn't play. I invited her to have some of my goes which she did and I thought we got along well and having fun.

She lied saying she had left my Fathers Day cards and presents at home; she hadn't bought any.

She had told me that we were going for a meal, her treat, but after bowling she said it was just going to be the kids and I. I invited her along and she threatened me with a solicitors letter and the police. I then took the kids for a meal.

Later that day she took the kids and take-away to the family home where I live. Kids said she/they bought presents for me from a supermarket on the way.

She then said she would get her solicitor to write to say we could contact via txt, email, and phone (but she has said that before) and that she would drop the kids at mine in future rather than us doing stuff together and needing someone to come with us.

I had thought she was having an affair (I could have been wrong but I was right that she had been deceiving me by planning to leave) and she has been under the most stress I've ever known due to exams etc. and she has handled the stress really badly.

Plans for this week - I have a ticket to go to a school assembly with her. We're due to go for a meal together (with a friend in attendance). She has given me a ticket for a play that eldest is going to be in - however, she didn't mention that eldest is going to be in 2 other performances so I might go to those too.

Until a month ago, we had been together for 25 years, never split-up before. I am still in total shock and have hopes of us getting back together.
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#17
Cut her out man. completely. Don't see her, don't speak to her. The more stupid mind games they get to play the better. She's gone now. Dead to you. concentrate on having a great relationship with your kids and forget she ever existed.
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#18
(06-19-2018, 07:44 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Cut her out man. completely. Don't see her, don't speak to her. The more stupid mind games they get to play the better. She's gone now. Dead to you. concentrate on having a great relationship with your kids and forget she ever existed.

This!!!
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#19
The split has been good for me in some ways because I've lost a lot of weight very quickly, look far better. I have now done a major achievement that I had said to the wife that I would do one day. I have far more enthusiasm and energy, and feeling positive. She is noticing the changes. In addition, she knows that I'm going to get counselling to see if I have any issues (but she's the one with the major issues...).

I still love her and would take her back (on the provision that we took it slowly, she got help and there would be major changes) and it would be the best way to see my kids as a family again.

I genuinely believe that she is incredibly stressed due to failing exams (that she blamed me for failing, and she has more to do and re-sits) and work, and is going through a bit of a crisis as she is quite emotionally immature but realising she's now in her 40's. Me thinking she might have been having an affair and saying I was thinking of leaving might just have been the last straw.

She is now living with her parents who encouraged us to split and who are now doing childcare, cooking etc. for her that I used to do. In addition, her social circle is all single mums who have been single for a long time and don't go out much, and she's never been all that bothered to see them.

We will have to talk due to the kids, and she seems genuinely keen for me to see them more. Although, that could be because she knows I'd have a great chance of them living with me if it went to a court.
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