GRANDMOTHER

[ANNY]

Hello everyone,

I hope I am welcome here as I am totally lost.  I am obviously not a Father but I am a Grandmother, and Mother to my Son, who is a Father and we have all found ourselves devastated this week due to his so called fiancé walking out taking their children without any warning.

I am trying to help and searching everywhere for advice etc and hope I will find some help here?

At the moment all I can do it cry when my Son is not around as I am sure seeing me crying all the time will be as much use as a chocolate teapot to him!

All I know is he is on the Birth Certificates and the children have his name.

Thank you for any help and advice.

Sad Anny

[invisibleintellectual]

Hi Anny

Couple of questions first

1) How old are the children
2) Is he in contact with the mother?
3) Are there any safeguarding concerns on either side?

Just relax and take a deep breath, I am pretty sure we can help you here

[ANNY]

Hi Invisibleintellectual,

The children are 8 months and 5 years.

Yes he is having contact but she is being extremely cruel and difficult.

No safeguarding issues - though she is quite incapable of much really, and that's not me being nasty - its a well known fact. 


She has been using money he gave her for other things like Spas and days out whilst he is at work and not paid bills etc - and has just walked out saying she cannot cope as there is not enough money for her lifestyle!? He had no notice and he just got back from work and she was packing her bags......then she drove off.


thank you for your help.


Anny

[invisibleintellectual]

Hi Anny

As he is having contact he needs to write this down and take as many pics, etc as possible - if she then refuses contact if it goes to court she has to show why she has allowed it upto now.

What the money is used for is irrelevant in this case - though if this is maintenance money it SHOULD be used on the kids.

I feel that Mediation should attempted to get some access sorted out - if this proves problematic then he would need to get the mediator to sign off a "C100" form so that he can go to court for formal access - please be aware that the second he does this shes likely to accuse him of all sorts.

[ANNY]

(08-08-2018, 01:35 PM)invisibleintellectual Wrote: Hi Anny

As he is having contact he needs to write this down and take as many pics, etc as possible - if she then refuses contact if it goes to court she has to show why she has allowed it upto now.

What the money is used for is irrelevant in this case - though if this is maintenance money it SHOULD be used on the kids.

I feel that Mediation should attempted to get some access sorted out - if this proves problematic then he would need to get the mediator to sign off a "C100" form so that he can go to court for formal access - please be aware that the second he does this shes likely to accuse him of all sorts.

Hi there,
Thank you - he has seen them a few times and we all took photos etc and I am writing a daily diary about everything.

I am also writing a letter to the children every month so when they are old enough they can see for themselves what really went on.

At the moment he is getting to see them when he has said he wants to but while he has them she is texting him and hassling him and changing the return home time!  When you say she may accuse him of all sorts what do you mean exactly - surely he can do the same?  She is not a good mother herself and actually just get her mum to do everything and I mean everything!

Thank you again.

[invisibleintellectual]

In a court you may find that he gets accused of all sorts of amazing things that may never have happened

- Domestic Violence
- Harassment
- Alcoholism
- Drug Taking

To name but a few - the trick here is TO REMAIN CHILD FOCUSSED - in a family court its upto HER to prove them - but not down to him to prove innocence.

In the absence of a Child Arrangements Order he is on the SAME legal standing as she is at the moment - thus he can do what he wants with them in his time as long as he is not endangering them or putting them at safeguarding risk. He cannot remove them from the country for a holiday without her acceptance and say so. Same goes for her.

Forget about whether she is a good mother or not - this is about getting access to the kids - so its time for him to realise this and to understand that this is all he is going to be doing - if he is not actually paying Child Maintenance through a Family Arrangement I would urge him to start doing so sooner, rather than later - as you do not want the Child Maintenance Service coming along and asking for lots of cash down the line.

[ANNY]

OK all understood - but how she could become any more cruel by lying I do not know - makes me ashamed to be a woman....

He has already started saving some money in an account for the children. We are hoping they can just make their own arrangements and keep it as nice as possible - but her mother is in the background making demands and pulling her strings.


If she can behave, (not holding breath here), and they can make their own agreement - I think she should sign it too - that should be OK shouldn't it - or will it hurt our Son and Grandchildren in the longer term if it all ends up in Court. I assume one has to go to Mediation, then if that fails - then Court?

Thank you.

[MarkR]

(08-08-2018, 11:39 AM)ANNY Wrote: Hello everyone,

I hope I am welcome here as I am totally lost.  I am obviously not a Father but I am a Grandmother, and Mother to my Son, who is a Father and we have all found ourselves devastated this week due to his so called fiancé walking out taking their children without any warning.

I am trying to help and searching everywhere for advice etc and hope I will find some help here?

At the moment all I can do it cry when my Son is not around as I am sure seeing me crying all the time will be as much use as a chocolate teapot to him!

All I know is he is on the Birth Certificates and the children have his name.

Thank you for any help and advice.

Sad Anny

Hi Anny,

First of all, you need to understand that under the law, except where invoved by Court Order, Fostering, Special Guradianship etc, Grandparents do not have any rights. It is also best if arrangements are made between the parents, unless they both agree for you to act as a messenger etc. There is support avaliable for you, in the form of The Grandparents Assiciation https://www.grandparentsplus.org.uk

Having said that, there relatinship status does not alter the fact your the childs grandmother, and his ex should respect this. As she is the Resident Parent, you would need to comunicate with her if you want to have them round, except in your sons contact time. There is nothing wrong with you offering to help out with childcare etc, like most grandparents do from time to time.

You son has responablilitys, and the main one at this stage is Child Support. If they can not agree on that, then either can put CMS in, for a fee of £20. He does not have to give her any other money, but he still has to pay any bills/contact in his name, and they will need to decide how to handle anything in both names.

The children have rights (Child Act 2002) to spend time with both parents.
While its based on his avaliablity, the normal is every other weekend for the child over 2+ half school holidays, and 1 or 2 times a week for the baby, 4-6 hours overall. This is him collecting the baby, and returning it at the agreed time, without his ex present.

My suggestion would be for him to ask for every other weekend for the older child, with the baby joining them on the Sunday for a few hours, before going home. On the week he does not have the older child, to have contact after school, with both of them for a couple of hours.

If they can not agree, its Mediation, before he can go to Court

[Mr Sandman]

(08-08-2018, 05:02 PM)ANNY Wrote: OK all understood - but how she could become any more cruel by lying I do not know - makes me ashamed to be a woman....

He has already started saving some money in an account for the children.  We are hoping they can just make their own arrangements and keep it as nice as possible - but her mother is in the background making demands and pulling her strings.


If she can behave, (not holding breath here),   and they can make their own agreement - I think she should sign it too - that should be OK shouldn't it - or will it hurt our Son and Grandchildren in the longer term if it all ends up in Court.  I assume one has to go to Mediation, then if that fails - then Court?

Thank you.

Correct, mediation is the starting point - he should start this now, he also needs to read up on as much as he can to keep his legal fees down, he should start thinking about the child contact arrangements, the split of money and he should also prepare for her to use every trick against him, he should secure his computer accounts, separate finances and cut off social media contact. He should start this now, that money he is saving for the kids? She is going to get half of it so the quicker he moves the quicker the pain is over.... 

Good luck...

[ANNY]

Thank you both for your help - all noted. Did I mention she is not his Wife, just girlfriend? Why would she get half the money he saving/putting towards the children please?