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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
#91
(10-08-2018, 08:34 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I want to say to her "what the f*** have you got to be so pissed off with me about?"

Exactly how I feel.....she's the one who's angry and yet she's the one who made the decision to do this. Plus she still sees our daughter every day and she's still living in the 4 bedroom house we bought, surrounded by her family in the area she wanted to live in.

I'm back at mammas.....staring at my old VHS collection - Bloodsport, Kick Boxer, Police Academy......surrounded by boxes of my old stuff....Garbage Pail Kids stickers, football figures, music magazines......wearing my old Ellesse shorts to bed.....the same ones I remember buying for my holiday to Cyprus in 1997....

why are you so fuggin pizzed off!?!




(10-08-2018, 09:00 AM)Jim Wrote: Hi LB. How old is your daughter? Shouldn't there come a point where she keeps up the relationship and her mother doesn't really enter into it?

Hi Jim.....my daughter is 2....its going to be a while yet....
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#92
(10-08-2018, 08:34 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: . . . But it's f***ed up because it was my ex that ended us . . . And although I'm still angry and still processing the hurt, I feel like she is the one full of resentment . . . and I want to say to her "what the f*** have you got to be so pissed off with me about?"

Yes - it's similar with mine. I am guessing that what happens psychologically is our wives unearth or make up reasons to justify their decision to end the relationship. Putting the blame on us reinforces the decision and fuels momentum through the divorce process. But after it they have to keep up the justification or by implication it's a mistake. They're stuck with it being their decision for the rest of their lives. Therefore it's possibly quite important for our own future well being to make sure it stays their decision and not let it subtly be put over onto us as a so-called mutual decision. Also by making it seem not quite a real divorce by staying friends. That way it hits us like a sledge hammer at first but each day survived is a day nearer to letting go of all the crap and getting on with our lives. There seems to be a continual subtle pressure to put the ball in our court or dilute the decision or it's outcome in some way. Our male pride and sense of responsibility and feelings of loss and affection makes us susceptible but it could be a mistake long term.
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#93
My ex:

Didn't like that I was pragmatic. I got on with looking at how we could separate and each provide a home for the kids and I came to her with solutions.  She saw this as me trying to get rid of her, rather than me trying to cope with a disaster unfolding in front of me.

She didn't like that I worked out that she was seeing another bloke.  She said, "you're always trying to work things out".  Thing is, I wanted to know why my family was being torn apart and she also made it extremely obvious.  She was an idiot about it.

She doesn't like that I don't want to hang out with her and do family things.

She didn't like me blaming her for us splitting up.  It's like she wants it to be mutual.  But it wasn't. I made it pretty clear that if she'd spoken to me I would've done anything to fix our relationship.  By the time she talked to me about splitting up, she was already seeing someone else and had certainly spent the night with him.  And it wasn't an accident. It was planned.  So how do you fix that?  She had alienated me over the space of the previous year, with masses of new interests, online courses that seemed like cults to me, new-age interests that were laughable to any reasonable adult. Fine - she grew apart from me. But I didn't grow apart from her. I still loved all the things we did together but she left them behind.
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#94
(10-08-2018, 09:57 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: My ex:

Didn't like that I was pragmatic. I got on with looking at how we could separate and each provide a home for the kids and I came to her with solutions.  She saw this as me trying to get rid of her, rather than me trying to cope with a disaster unfolding in front of me.

She didn't like that I worked out that she was seeing another bloke.  She said, "you're always trying to work things out".  Thing is, I wanted to know why my family was being torn apart and she also made it extremely obvious.  She was an idiot about it.

She doesn't like that I don't want to hang out with her and do family things.

She didn't like me blaming her for us splitting up.  It's like she wants it to be mutual.  But it wasn't. I made it pretty clear that if she'd spoken to me I would've done anything to fix our relationship.  By the time she talked to me about splitting up, she was already seeing someone else and had certainly spent the night with him.  And it wasn't an accident. It was planned.  So how do you fix that?  She had alienated me over the space of the previous year, with masses of new interests, online courses that seemed like cults to me, new-age interests that were laughable to any reasonable adult. Fine - she grew apart from me. But I didn't grow apart from her. I still loved all the things we did together but she left them behind.

Mine has been reluctant to discuss any practical suggestions too. Also reluctant to say anything so definite it doesn't come across to me as mixed message. It's like she wanted to start the divorce and she's sure she wants it but at the same time didn't want to say anything to confirm it too much or hurry it along. The other day I confronted her about mixed messages and made it clear that a friendship is out the question. I have been in denial for a heck of a long time: probably a world record. Any time during that period I would have gone back after not much hesitation. It was the conversation I have been fearing all that time because it confirmed the marriage was a dead duck. I thought oh no I am going to take ages to get over it because I haven't even started. But the strange thing is the following days I have been feeling remarkably chipper for somebody whose life has just been destroyed. I did my best to keep it alive but it's her decision and clearly she's not interested. It's out of my hands and I am quite keen to get on with the rest of my life. I don't especially like her or dislike her and there's a strange feeling that I married the wrong person or somebody I never really had a connection with. Strange. I don't like the sound of doing family things at all. The sight of an email from her in my inbox used to cause a surge of hope: now it's just irritation. If there's an afterlife and you get to meet soul mates again I don't fancy it either. It's like she was a stranger and a not an especially interesting one so If I got to float around in the ether I don't want it to be in her company. It wouldn't be horrible just kind of boring. As I say - a strange thing to feel about somebody I thought was the love of my life.
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#95
Jim mate, I can really relate to what you've said here. For a start, the reason you feel chipper is that you'd already come a long way. I've been through this too.  I got fed up with all the ups and downs. So when she had wobbles, I was already telling myself that it'd pass and we weren't really getting back together.  The initial emotional shock was at the start of June and I've been recovering from it and getting stronger since.  Mine was also non-committal about what she was saying to me in terms of whether we were really breaking up and separating or not.  I guess she didn't want to lose me entirely, or for her life to change that much, but she wanted the freedom to go out and have new sexual encounters. Like I'm going to be fine with that!  It was as if she initially just expected me to adjust to that.  Totally unreasonable.

I've also questioned why I was with this woman. She never made me feel fancied or sexually attractive.  Sex was a rarity after just a few months, other than when we were trying for kids.  My current date won't leave me alone and the sex is great.  When I got together with me ex we did loads of stuff together - cycling, gym, cinema, snowboarding.  She lost interest in all those things whereas my interest just grew.  It was partly because we had kids, but not entirely.  I dislike many of her new (age) friends.

Doing family things: it is upsetting for me to spend time with her, especially with the kids as well because it feels so hollow to me and I get jealous when I talk to her.  This might get easier in future but we aren't a family unit.  It may change in future but my best friend is in the same boat and he tells me it's all bullshit. He does things with his kids and his ex wife occasionally, but he doesn't like it and tries to avoid it.  I've also been told by many people, including professionals in these matters, that doing things as a family when you've separated is deceiving the kids.  They can adjust to separation just fine and enjoy days out with one parent present as much as they do with two.  Don't treat them like fools.  I feel like my ex is emotionally blackmailing me on this one.  She needs to accept that I got hurt and I need to mend.  The kids wouldn't want to see me miserable and I'm not going to be controlled by my ex.

Love of my life. I thought the same.  I still feel a huge loss but I'm sure I'll look back and see her in a different light.  She was the longest love of my life but not necessarily "the one".
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#96
There's a lot in your post I relate to as well. You wrote: "Love of my life. I thought the same. I still feel a huge loss but I'm sure I'll look back and see her in a different light. She was the longest love of my life but not necessarily "the one"." Yes - that's the way I feel. I wonder how many of us miss the love of our lives because something available came along.

I had to meet my wife for the first time in months and months recently. The reason for it wasn't clear: I think it was to see/feel if the spark is still there. I thought it was there for me but now I don't think it was. I was saying the right thing and hoping it would turn out alright. I think what I wanted was an easy solution. Put it all back together and carry on as before.

I dread a second meeting. I definitely dread the idea of doing things together as a 'family'. As you say it feels 'hollow' almost sadistic as at the end of the day the kids go home with her and the poor bloke is left in the street with a shit-eating smile on his face and his guts kicked out. I wonder if that's part of the reason they want us to hang around.
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#97
Jim mate, I lived abroad once.  11 years ago.  My ex (then girlfriend) came out with me initially but then went home.  On the night I took her to the airport, I saw a guy and a woman with their kids at the airport.  An hour later, I saw the guy walking through the airport crying his eyes out.  I guess he had been left "with a shit-eating smile on his face..."  I thought about it a lot at the time and I guess that was what I was witnessing.
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#98
I have stood and watched the car drive away with them in it. More painful than anything I can think of.

Lot of pain in this life. Everywhere.
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#99
I do well up a bit when I say goodbye to them on a weekend when they're with her, but it's still early days for me. And I'm lucky. I see mine plenty. 7 nights in 14 and almost every day. If we stick to our plan, we both see them 10 days in 14 but we're already seeing them more than that. I'm very lucky in fact.
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Enough's enough. I need to act.

My ex moved out of our home about 4 weeks ago.  We own the house 50/50 (although in reality, I bought it and I have paid every mortgage payment without any help from her at all, ever.)

She has had to come back to get belongings - understandable.  Also, she comes to the house for childcare reasons.  5 school nights in every 10, I have the kids. So she brings them back to mine and waits until I get home.

However, on Monday this week, I got home and she'd obviously been there.  The kids had eaten food and played on the PS4.  Same again on Tuesday.  These weren't "my" nights.  On Monday she had meant to be visiting a neighbour during the day and dropping in to feed the dog, but clearly that didn't happen until after the school run.  I asked her if she'd been to the house on Tuesday and she said they decided to drop in and see the dog.  She didn't tell me ahead of the visit though.

Today, as I left for the school run with the kids, she turned up, laptop and diary in bag.  So I asked her what was going on.  She said she thought she'd come and take the kids, she wanted to do some work (she still hasn't got the internet at home after 4 weeks) and a neighbour had invited her for coffee.  Unfortunately she got me off guard and I was a bit stroppy.  I just said, "Do you think you could at least call or text me first next time?".  But I didn't want to have a spat with her in front of the kids on the driveway.

She's texted me and said sorry if she upset me, but I never know if she's being sincere anymore.  I texted back that it was about boundaries. I recognise that the house was her home and remains 50% her property, but it is now my personal space and it matters to me to have my own rules and boundaries.  I'm going to email her but am interested in any advice.
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