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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
It does go a bit down and off-topic in the middle... stick with it though as it picks up at the end
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(10-26-2018, 09:36 AM)MrM Wrote: You don't need to build a relationship... don't put that pressure on you... if you're angry, that's OK... we've all been there / are currently there... the challenge is to try and put that anger to one side (incredibly hard I know!) and to do your best to only be respectful with your ex at the moment... there's nothing more you need to offer right now.

From the tone of your message it's clear that that's how your head is already thinking... stick with it and the fog does slowly clear.

If you haven't already, I'd suggest having a read of a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k!  It has DEFINITELY helped me and instilled in me a new line of thinking, one of which is giving myself a daily "F**k Quota!"  I allow myself three things to truly give a f**k about each day... anything else, I don't bother with.

Do you think there is a situation where the thing you need to give a f**k about is your own angry feelings? A situation where the feelings of anger are just too important to ignore. Do you think it's possible that by telling oneself it doesn't matter one doesn't really see it for a useless emotion to be ignored but it's actually pushed down inside? That could be more damaging long term than seeing the anger as carrying a message that something needs to change.

What do you think about that point of view?
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I don't think you should ever push an emotion inside and ignored, instead it should definitely be recognised, learnt from, one's values adjusted according but it shouldn't be dwelt on - this is just my opinion.

I found myself dwelling on so much anger and disbelief that before I knew it, a huge amount of time had passed, my mental health was shot to pieces, i found myself drinking too much and I was still "where I was" months ago.

Anger is natural... people make us angry with the things they do to us... this will never change.

We're not responsible for what people do to us, but we can be responsible for how we react... anger or indifference.

If one of your daily f**ks is to recognise your anger, then go for it, they're your f**k tokens.

All I would say, is don't let anger be your sole emotion / motivation as we go through this life process we're all sharing.

Just my opinion - other thoughts welcome.
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I need a way to deal with mine at the moment.  Ok, I'm not lashing out at people in the street or anything, but the disbelief, anger, jealousy, injustice and helplessness I feel at the moment as perhaps more powerful than when it all happened.  It's as if I put it away until she'd left so that I could deal with it uninterrupted.  But she still has a grip on me, as you can see.
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me too. im now being told I cannot take me son out for two hours on his birthday unless she is in attendance as the three hours post school is not quality time.


I'd do anything to pick him up from school every day of the week and sit in a house doing nothing.
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(10-26-2018, 12:53 PM)MrM Wrote: I don't think you should ever push an emotion inside and ignored, instead it should definitely be recognised, learnt from, one's values adjusted according but it shouldn't be dwelt on - this is just my opinion.

I found myself dwelling on so much anger and disbelief that before I knew it, a huge amount of time had passed, my mental health was shot to pieces, i found myself drinking too much and I was still "where I was" months ago.

Anger is natural... people make us angry with the things they do to us... this will never change.

We're not responsible for what people do to us, but we can be responsible for how we react... anger or indifference.

If one of your daily f**ks is to recognise your anger, then go for it, they're your f**k tokens.

All I would say, is don't let anger be your sole emotion / motivation as we go through this life process we're all sharing.

Just my opinion - other thoughts welcome.

Hi MrM. 

Thanks for your reply. I can see your point. Just 2 comments I would like to make. From the beginning I have tended to dwell more in loss and regret than anger. I have spasms of anger but it's tended not to last. I don't know why. Maybe that's saved me from the worst of it. 

I wonder if it's a case of trying to spot the particular quality of the anger. For example, there's is a kind of outrage at betrayal that can sometimes turn into a rant: maybe that's something to try to distance oneself from. Then there's a kind of sense of being walked over - it's something more low key but uncomfortable and niggling. Maybe that's something with a message to act on. 

So maybe it's not hard and fast. More a case of fitting the action to the situation. Something to think about. Thanks again.

(10-26-2018, 01:06 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I need a way to deal with mine at the moment.  Ok, I'm not lashing out at people in the street or anything, but the disbelief, anger, jealousy, injustice and helplessness I feel at the moment as perhaps more powerful than when it all happened.  It's as if I put it away until she'd left so that I could deal with it uninterrupted.  But she still has a grip on me, as you can see.

This might sound incredibly stupid and/or drippy but is it worth sitting down quietly - even with a sheet of paper - and go a bit deeper into each of these feelings. Ask yourself something like what EXACTLY do I feel as if there is something to learn about the situation or yourself in each of these emotions. I have done this a lot since it started and found out some things about myself and what I really want from life that I simply didn't know. I am sorry if it sounds really drippy and self-absorbed but it's really helped. At least I think it's helped.
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Jim - not drippy at all. I think that's sensible. I can say already that I can't even put a name on the most powerful emotion I feel. As parents we're supposed to help our kids identify and put a name to emotions.
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Hi Jim,
I think you're definitely right... emotions aren't hard and fast and one should fit the action to the situation.
I've felt walked over this weekend... running around helping the ex even though it wasn't my weekend... suddenly finding myself back in my old "routine" of doing things for her and making her life easier, albeit for a few hours, and then being told to back off as I'm acting too involved!
Sometimes, just when you think you've got your s**t in-check, a curve-ball comes along to bat you back to edge of the field again.
Can not win!
Hope you've all had a bit of a better weekend.
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(10-29-2018, 08:47 AM)MrM Wrote:   
... running around helping the ex even though it wasn't my weekend... suddenly finding myself back in my old "routine" of doing things for her and making her life easier, albeit for a few hours, and then being told to back off as I'm acting too involved!

Ain't that just typical. And don't we fall for it every time.
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Mate, we certainly do!

We can't do right for doing wrong... even when all we're trying to do is genuinely the right thing.

I'm bored of this game now.
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