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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
(11-20-2018, 03:21 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: I like your Optimism and hope it continues, otherwise you can get sucked into a dark hole.  I am slowly crawling out of it.

But yeah, she's not called Lindsey is she?

I take it you'd jump out of your skin if she was!

No.  She isn't.  And I'm determined not to get dragged down by this.  I didn't do it. I was the sorted one. I wasn't chasing rainbows with book after book of new-age bollocks. Spending days doing online courses into manifesting.   At one point I said to her, I'm the only stable thing in your life and you've blown it.  She agreed.

No, I want her to see what she's lost when she sees me, not what she escaped from, if you get my drift.
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(11-20-2018, 04:20 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(11-20-2018, 03:21 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: I like your Optimism and hope it continues, otherwise you can get sucked into a dark hole.  I am slowly crawling out of it.

But yeah, she's not called Lindsey is she?

I take it you'd jump out of your skin if she was!

No.  She isn't.  And I'm determined not to get dragged down by this.  I didn't do it. I was the sorted one. I wasn't chasing rainbows with book after book of new-age bollocks. Spending days doing online courses into manifesting.   At one point I said to her, I'm the only stable thing in your life and you've blown it.  She agreed.

No, I want her to see what she's lost when she sees me, not what she escaped from, if you get my drift.

totally mate.  I am sure she will soon see what she has missed out on.

(11-20-2018, 04:20 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(11-20-2018, 03:21 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: I like your Optimism and hope it continues, otherwise you can get sucked into a dark hole.  I am slowly crawling out of it.

But yeah, she's not called Lindsey is she?

I take it you'd jump out of your skin if she was!

No.  She isn't.  And I'm determined not to get dragged down by this.  I didn't do it. I was the sorted one. I wasn't chasing rainbows with book after book of new-age bollocks. Spending days doing online courses into manifesting.   At one point I said to her, I'm the only stable thing in your life and you've blown it.  She agreed.

No, I want her to see what she's lost when she sees me, not what she escaped from, if you get my drift.

totally mate.  I am sure she will soon see what she has missed out on.
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Sadly not so much today.  She pissed me off last night.  Mentioned she was staying up in London on Friday night and I knew it was with a bloke. For very good reasons I expect it's the bloke she was seeing when we split up (to me, that's an affair, right?  She doesn't see it that way. Apparently the bloke isn't the reason we split up and therefore it's all ok. Even though she was planning a surprise wedding a few weeks before she met him and clearly fell in love with this man before she broke up with me. What bollocks!) . I couldn't hide the hurt so ignored her til she left.  She then emailed me and said she was confused about why I was fine one minute then hated her the next. So I didn't hold back. I told her I thought she was very insensitive. It still hurt like it did 6 months ago. I don't want to hear about her private life.  I don't like her being in my home and we need to sort out new solutions.  She apologised but everything seems to have gone south since then. I had a stressful night with the kids. Didn't sleep enough. Stressful morning with the kids. And on Friday I need to sit down with her to discuss Xmas and a few other things, knowing that she'll be heading off to meet her guy right after.

I was doing well.  Perhaps a small part of me felt she was warming to me and that she might not be seeing anybody anymore. So it stung when I heard about her plans. ALl the rejection, jealousy and hurt came back.  All the questioning about what had gone wrong and how she could've done it to me and the kids.  And now I'm gutted that she saw me pissed off and needy again.  FFS!
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(11-21-2018, 12:12 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Sadly not so much today.  She pissed me off last night.  Mentioned she was staying up in London on Friday night and I knew it was with a bloke. For very good reasons I expect it's the bloke she was seeing when we split up (to me, that's an affair, right?  She doesn't see it that way. Apparently the bloke isn't the reason we split up and therefore it's all ok. Even though she was planning a surprise wedding a few weeks before she met him and clearly fell in love with this man before she broke up with me. What bollocks!) . I couldn't hide the hurt so ignored her til she left.  She then emailed me and said she was confused about why I was fine one minute then hated her the next. So I didn't hold back. I told her I thought she was very insensitive. It still hurt like it did 6 months ago. I don't want to hear about her private life.  I don't like her being in my home and we need to sort out new solutions.  She apologised but everything seems to have gone south since then. I had a stressful night with the kids. Didn't sleep enough. Stressful morning with the kids. And on Friday I need to sit down with her to discuss Xmas and a few other things, knowing that she'll be heading off to meet her guy right after.

I was doing well.  Perhaps a small part of me felt she was warming to me and that she might not be seeing anybody anymore. So it stung when I heard about her plans. ALl the rejection, jealousy and hurt came back.  All the questioning about what had gone wrong and how she could've done it to me and the kids.  And now I'm gutted that she saw me pissed off and needy again.  FFS!

That sucks - it really does. Sometimes its like we're seen as commodities rather than people. Stay strong...
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FC I wonder if it might be time to try and sever the ties a bit harder.

Ignorance really is bliss. Her rocking up to the house and borderline rubbing your nose in it all the time will just keep resetting your progress.

I know you are trying to keep it cordial for the kids sake, but its also in their best interest to see you content and not constantly being reminded of what she is up to.

Mine has said to me she wants to meet up to discuss christmas plans. I've pretty much told her I won't. I'll send her an email, i'll send her a text, but i'm not going to put myself through the misery of having to sit down and chat with her. I'm doing what i'm comfortable with, not what she wants.

Getting off Facebook and never checking Twitter has done me the world of good. I don't have to see what she is up to or what he sister is hash tagging, or who is with my daughter etc....

I love the ignorance of not knowing anything. Its less painful and has done my anxiety the world of good.
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Yeah you definitely shouldn’t be sitting down with her discussing at this stage. That’s what email is for.
You got to cut her out, Facebook etc the whole nine yards. But most importantly give up any hope she will come back. You gotta get on with your own life.
If she was cheating and chose to leave then have some dignity and cut her off. You’re better than that. Karma has a way of biting them in the ass.
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Thanks LB, Naive.  I appreciate your comments. I'm very surprised at my feelings today and the huge collapse in my resolve since last night. I feel awful today.  I had an evening out planned and that's just been cancelled, which doesn't help.  I could've done with the distraction.

I need to take this as a kick up the arse and take some steps to protect myself and yes, I agree that part of that has got to be letting her go for good. I probably haven't done that if I'm honest.  I seem to get reminders all day long of things we did or enjoyed together.  It's grief I guess.  I've got to try and move on from it.  I might cancel Friday's meeting and either rearrange or suggest we talk by email, but then she'll know I'm suffering.  I get the impression she thinks she has to walk on eggshells around me and it's all because of my "hang ups" and that I'll get over myself one day.  She always thinks everybody else is ****ed up and she's the sorted one.
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FC - you're in a place mentally that I was in a few months ago.

Cut yourself off totally before it really drives you up the wall. I blocked the STBX on everything I could. Best thing I could have done for my own sanity.

It allowed me to become hardened to her games. At first it was difficult not seeing what she's up to but you soon become used to it. You WANT to know, but trust me, you don't NEED to know.

When I was with my STBX she put a LOT of weight on. Never really made much effort to lose it. Didn't wear make-up unless we went out and even then that was a few mins spent getting ready. She wouldn't wear nice cloths, wasn't even interested in looking good. Since I've left her she's lost 5 stones, so with her new nicer figure she wears nice dresses, and according to my eldest she spends hours putting makeup on and getting ready for her new BF before they go out. It's all a bit of a kick in the teeth but since I cut her out of my life completely I've reached a point where I don't care any more.

She used to make a point of rubbing my face in it on FB with her weekly updates on how much weight she'd lost and how good she felt and looked. Blocked her. Stopped letting people tell me what she was up to. The open wound that was constantly being re-opened everytime I saw or heard what she'd done this week slowly began to 'harden' and it's now got to the point where I saw her last weekend when I picked the kids up. She opened the door wearing a little black dress, cleavage out, legs out, long blonde hair straightened and her makeup looking flawless. Didn't bother me in the slightest. It's taken a while to be able to say that.

Detach yourself properly. It'll hurt at first but I found it to be the only way I could heal the emotional wound that kept opening back up every time I interacted with her.
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(11-21-2018, 12:37 PM)Living Bate Wrote: FC I wonder if it might be time to try and sever the ties a bit harder.

Ignorance really is bliss. Her rocking up to the house and borderline rubbing your nose in it all the time will just keep resetting your progress.

I know you are trying to keep it cordial for the kids sake, but its also in their best interest to see you content and not constantly being reminded of what she is up to.

Mine has said to me she wants to meet up to discuss christmas plans. I've pretty much told her I won't. I'll send her an email, i'll send her a text, but i'm not going to put myself through the misery of having to sit down and chat with her. I'm doing what i'm comfortable with, not what she wants.

Getting off Facebook and never checking Twitter has done me the world of good. I don't have to see what she is up to or what he sister is hash tagging, or who is with my daughter etc....

I love the ignorance of not knowing anything. Its less painful and has done my anxiety the world of good.


Hi LB. IMHO a lot of sense in this post. In fact same in the subsequent posts. The trouble is if one still has hope for it feels a lot like giving up all hope. But it's more than possible it's the right thing to do even if you do hope for reconciliation. My experience suggests there is something that works in the 180 strategy. It works for getting out of the situation better and it also works if you want to get their attention and interest.
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Slightly off topic but i had to comfort my ex the otherday, woken at 10 am by social services on the blower saying my two youngest were in grave danger under ex's care, WTF NOW????,,,,... So anyhow turns out the new fella as told by the SS woman is a sexual predator/groomer, he belted her 2 weeks ago on a night out and got arrested and this is how it all came to mine and her knowledge, luckily nothing untoward has happened with our kids, otherwise i would not be writing this post...more drama than SKY ONE ....

Exactly where i'm at GRA76 you just have to be that little bit tougher/harder on yourself for the better... iv'e my life to lead now, not interested whats she's doing in hers...
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