Thread Rating:
  • 3 Vote(s) - 4.67 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
(12-18-2018, 12:05 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: I'll occasionally bring this one back to life as a reminder of how important it is to move on - I recently let my ex wife back into my life a small amount as it seemed reasonable to be a bit more friendly now, now I'm getting the whole 'we should fix it, what we had was special' - we've been divorced six months and she's living with the guy she cheated on me with. Very upsetting for me, it was a mistake for me to allow her in even a smidgen...

This is quite topical for me.  My ex isn't being an arsehole. She never was really (other than splitting up the family and sleeping with another guy).  But I'd done the full 180 on her. I avoided seeing her and talking to her about anything other than the kids.  I hated her and wanted nothing more to do with her.

I've softened on this recently.  I was just feeling anxious and paranoid all the time and I realised that it wasn't an image of myself I wanted to present.  I hated it.  Over the last couple of weeks I've been more friendly with her and, while we mainly only talk about the kids, it's very friendly and we joke a lot in our texts.  When I have to see her, we talk about things that have happened with the kids and sometimes our families or mutual friends.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.  It's easier for sure and when we discuss the house in the new year it'd be nice to have reestablished some trust and communication.  But I haven't forgiven her. Nor has she asked for forgiveness. I know she wants my friendship more than anything.  Can I be adult enough to put our relationship behind me now or will it just cause more hurt?  I've already had thoughts of whether she might be starting to regret her actions.  But on the otherhand, one of her best friends told me she'd be happy for me if I got a new woman now and that she'd "moved on".  And yet feelings change, don't they.  

I have to be really careful not to allow myself to get more damaged here. I'm growing to like being single and I'm excited about my new future, but I'll always miss family life.
Reply
(12-18-2018, 01:14 PM)Living Bate Wrote: i'd been feeling a lot better recently and more positive, keeping interaction with the ex to a very bare minimum.....

i obviously had to open dialogue a bit with her to try and arrange time with my daughter over christmas...

so i text her and she text back.....she started off with her attempts to come across as flexible and amicable, but even through text i could feel every one of them started to get more awkward and angry, until it turned into long walls of text from her accusing me of not caring about my daughter or putting her first, not being fit to have her overnight, or listening to the advice she tries to give me etc......

fuming......back to shaky thumb texting and tension just running up the back of my neck in disbelief.......even now after 10 months she can't help sticking the boot in whenever we discuss anything....

pissed off now and feel powerless....she's so controlling and really uses my daughter to hurt me and get what she wants....

Wait at least 20 minutes before replying to anything from her.
Better still ignore anything insulting or accusatory and stick to practical issues.
At the moment you're getting drawn into her crazy world.
Reply
(12-18-2018, 01:43 PM)watsa64 Wrote: Wait at least 20 minutes before replying to anything from her.
Better still ignore anything insulting or accusatory and stick to practical issues.
At the moment you're getting drawn into her crazy world.

I know I'm the one who wrote the front page of this (then updated it based on feedback!) but 20m is not long enough, 24 hours is enough to 1) calm down and 2) not engage in an escalating argument that gets more emotional.

Stick to practical issues. Don't get drawn into any craziness Smile
Reply
sage advice on giving time and not getting drawn into her crazy world.....

its just in that moment i just want to get the whole conversation wrapped up so that i can go about my day and not have to communicate with her again...

in hindsight i should've waited / ignored certain texts....

i found myself getting drawn in again which is something i havent done for a long time.....

hopefully lesson learnt.....(again)

thanks people..
Reply
(12-18-2018, 01:26 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I've softened on this recently.  I was just feeling anxious and paranoid all the time and I realised that it wasn't an image of myself I wanted to present.  I hated it.  Over the last couple of weeks I've been more friendly with her and, while we mainly only talk about the kids, it's very friendly and we joke a lot in our texts

I'm not sure how I feel about it.  It's easier for sure and when we discuss the house in the new year it'd be nice to have reestablished some trust and communication.

Can I be adult enough to put our relationship behind me now or will it just cause more hurt?

I'm growing to like being single and I'm excited about my new future, but I'll always miss family life.

Had to think a bit before responding here but the last week or two for me has been more bearable with her at home. Possibly it's just a time of year thing, the boys are getting excited over Christmas now & the last thing either of us want is put a damper on their happiness.

I'd certainly be happier if we can remain as civil as we seem to be at present, purely for the benefit of when we get moving with the house & finances in the new year it will (hopefully) make things a little less painful if we can communicate with none of the spite.

For the longer term though, when all is done & dusted & my only involvement with her would need to be picking up/dropping off the boys & anything else related to them, do I really want to be her "friend"? In a word, no I don't. All the things that have been said, all the accusations that have been made, all the faces, all the gestures, just about everything done since June this year does not fit in with someone I'd want anything more to do with.

I think even after total separation though it's important that my boys see me being nice to Mum when I have to be around her, as negativity between parents will reflect in their growing & developing minds, but I need to define a clear line between being a role model for them in common decency towards women & not getting myself in a position where the emotional attachment can't be broken & I find myself being sucked into things that are far more than necessities.

If I'm to move on, enjoy being single & the benefits that come with that, I need to shut down to her completely & have no more than absolutely necessary communication with her.
Reply
DanDad that's exactly how i'm going to lead my future life with the ex, no need to be friends and the like after all the bitterness and false accusations that have been implemented by her and her crony "EMPOWERED WOMEN" MATES LOL...iv'e been running around like a twat for the last few week's ... taking kids to school and picking them up whilst working 10-12 hour night shifts, just because she's not in a position to do this right now, yet i'm still a TWAT....can't wait for the mortgage to come through and pay her off, then as far as i'm concerned she never existed...i'll be polite in the very little correspondence that's needed, other than that i'm looking forward to a DRAMA free 2019.
Reply
(12-18-2018, 07:47 PM)pazzer1973 Wrote: ....can't wait for the mortgage to come through and pay her off, then as far as i'm concerned she never existed...i'll be polite in the very little correspondence that's needed, other than that i'm looking forward to a DRAMA free 2019.

This is EXACTLY my situation except it's me that's waiting to be paid off. STBX has applied for a mortgage again after the house was down-valued by her prospective lender (so she tells me) and it's just a waiting game for me now. I suspect she's going to drag this out far longer than is necessary because she knows I've seen a perfect house and she knows my GF wants to move in with me...so why rush when she's hoping the house sells before I get the money. I'm not stupid. I know what she's going to do. She's had since August to get this done, and I've reminded her regularly that it needed to be sorted out. However, here we are, 4 months later and she's only just getting on with it properly.

Once I'm paid off she's not even a passing memory as far as I'm concerned. She managed to show her true colours over the last 9 months and I didn't like what I saw. 2018 has been a bit shit in places, but the short term pain will be well worth it when I come out of it with my own place and a new life that doesn't involve her.
Reply
(12-18-2018, 01:43 PM)watsa64 Wrote: At the moment you're getting drawn into her crazy world.


(12-18-2018, 01:50 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: Don't get drawn into any craziness Smile


I've spent the morning trying to resist craziness......i feel like my shoulders are around my ears with tension right now....

I was having a nice relaxing morning with a cup of tea, listening to a podcast before work. I get a text from the ex 'will you be picking up our daughter from nursery today?'. Nothing unusual about that. I simply text back yes. (I normally pick her up from nursery on a Wednesday and take her for some food, then back to our house and bath her, then we watch cartoons in bed until the enemy comes home and i am forced to leave).

45mins later I get a text I wont be round later it will be my dad and [insert partners name] as i am off out for the night.

Now I absolutely HATE this. I have to hand my daughter over to the exes dad (who hasn't spoken to me for 10 months) in MY house, and just up and leave.

I told her, i resent having to do that. I said your family have got a nerve.

I get walls of text again...accusing me of not communicating with her and making this worse etc....no reason to resent my dad...my unwillingness to communicate.....etc....loads of contradictory stuff.....blaming me for how bad our interaction is....

I really feel like taking my daughter to my mothers tonight. Her dad and partner can pick her up from there. 

Its like a 35 min drive each way. Its what i want to do but i cant help feeling its my daughter who is getting caught up in the craziness then. 

I feel like that is when she starts getting used as a tool, and I don't want that. 

Same time I really hate the prospect of this. Sat in my house up there, isolated in the sticks waiting to hand over my own daughter to a father in law that totally abandoned me, and then have to leave and drive back to the city. I really just don't want to do it. 

Dunno.....struggling with this one big time....

The ex is driving me nuts again...and I was doing so well.....
Reply
(12-19-2018, 09:06 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(12-18-2018, 01:43 PM)watsa64 Wrote: At the moment you're getting drawn into her crazy world.


(12-18-2018, 01:50 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: Don't get drawn into any craziness Smile


I've spent the morning trying to resist craziness......i feel like my shoulders are around my ears with tension right now....

I was having a nice relaxing morning with a cup of tea, listening to a podcast before work. I get a text from the ex 'will you be picking up our daughter from nursery today?'. Nothing unusual about that. I simply text back yes. (I normally pick her up from nursery on a Wednesday and take her for some food, then back to our house and bath her, then we watch cartoons in bed until the enemy comes home and i am forced to leave).

45mins later I get a text I wont be round later it will be my dad and [insert partners name] as i am off out for the night.

Now I absolutely HATE this. I have to hand my daughter over to the exes dad (who hasn't spoken to me for 10 months) in MY house, and just up and leave.

I told her, i resent having to do that. I said your family have got a nerve.

I get walls of text again...accusing me of not communicating with her and making this worse etc....no reason to resent my dad...my unwillingness to communicate.....etc....loads of contradictory stuff.....blaming me for how bad our interaction is....

I really feel like taking my daughter to my mothers tonight. Her dad and partner can pick her up from there. 

Its like a 35 min drive each way. Its what i want to do but i cant help feeling its my daughter who is getting caught up in the craziness then. 

I feel like that is when she starts getting used as a tool, and I don't want that. 

Same time I really hate the prospect of this. Sat in my house up there, isolated in the sticks waiting to hand over my own daughter to a father in law that totally abandoned me, and then have to leave and drive back to the city. I really just don't want to do it. 

Dunno.....struggling with this one big time....

The ex is driving me nuts again...and I was doing so well.....

You're not heading the advice you've been given.
Your angry replies are just feeding the monster.


I am saying this as someone who's been in your shoes and got drawn in.
Reply
i don't know how to reply.....everything i send is really brief anyway....

but what do i do when i have to hand my daughter over to a bloke i never want to see again.....someone i am bitterly disappointed in....someone who i feel betrayed by....?

i do completely resent it and i don't know what to say other than the truth....
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  total waster nickcrossland 1 3,025 04-17-2016, 08:03 PM
Last Post: Norfolk n Good



Users browsing this thread: 6 Guest(s)