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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
(12-19-2018, 08:58 PM)Kate Wrote: I always see life as a series of choices. Sometimes we make bad choices, but they only come to be seen as bad choices in hindsight many years later. Now I’m older, I see it going on in the younger generation of my family and those of my friends. 

I suppose society now makes it much easier for a woman to decide that she’ll get out of a marriage or relationship: benefits, Family Court, police, Women’s Aid type support and so on, plus the definition of what constitutes abuse in a marriage or relationship has changed so much that it’s easier to claim abuse.

In many cases where a long-term relationship breaks down there’s a third part involved, but I’ve not yet seen anyone on this forum blame the third party for facilitating the breakdown of their relationship. Surely, some blame should be apportioned to a man who is willing to form a relationship with a woman who is already in a relationship. I think it’s scathingly known as “White Knighting” on some forums.

Just my opinion, so I hope I won’t get too much hate mail for it.

Don't get me started!   Really, we should start a new thread on this but I don't see it as being a constructive topic.  

Yes - there was a third party in my case and as far as I'm concerned he's a ******** ****.  A scumbag.  Initially I was told he was married, but later my ex admitted she'd lied and he was actually separated.  You'd think he might have a bit of wisdom and common decency, based on that, but no.  He didn't give a shit that he was the catalyst in breaking up another family.  I wanted him to see my kids crying themselves to sleep in those first weeks of our separation and for him to know what he'd put me through. No doubt she'd have painted a pretty negative picture of me to him, but anybody that knows me would've laughed at it.  I can't tell you what I'd like to do to him and have deliberately avoided hunting for his details for this very reason.

Nonetheless, I've been warned by many many people, and I know it for myself, that if I dwell on this and let myself become too obsessed with it it'll destroy me and could end in disaster.  Who wants those emotions?  The truth is that my ex knew what she was doing.  She made choices. It wasn't all this guy.  There were two adults.  And however I feel about my ex and the friendship we're trying to find now for the sake of our children,  a part of me will always hate her for this betrayal.  I would have cut her off entirely and immediately if it wasn't for our kids. The kids actually force me to remain in touch with her - it seems like a form of torture at times and grossly unfair.

I commented on this because it is so relevant in my case, but I really try not to think about this now.  Just writing this has brought it all back into my mind and the emotions are horrible.  If thoughts of the affair creep into my mind, I try to blat them out with thoughts of ex girlfriends and flings that I've had over the years (before my last relationship, obviously).
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Hi Fatcat.

That was an incredibly powerful post. That bit about the kids crying themselves to sleep hit me so hard.

Good for you for writing it.

Jim
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(12-19-2018, 11:32 PM)warwickshire1 Wrote: What DadDolent means is that on this forum you are free to say whatever u like and air your frustrations and many people are going through similar situations so totally understand u . then people that have been through similar situations totally understand and can possibly advise u /guide u and give advice if possible to help u

Totally agree - by all means vent/rant on here - it's very cathartic. But when several people give you sound advice and you choose to ignore it....
Exchanging angry texts is at the very least, pointless  and in worst case could lead to an NMO and  being prevented from seeing your kids.

I am not saying this from a position of smug superiority, I'm speaking from bitter experience here.

Your goals should be the best possible access to your kids and the best possible financial deal - both go hand in hand.
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(12-20-2018, 10:25 AM)Jim Wrote: Hi Fatcat.

That was an incredibly powerful post. That bit about the kids crying themselves to sleep hit me so hard.

Good for you for writing it.

Jim

Thank you Jim. I'd like to think that anybody who has been through this, if they found themselves in a situation with a married or cohabiting mother, would tell her to go home to her partner and kids and work at their relationship.  Providing of course that they have a scrap of decency about them.  According to my ex, her guy had two kids of his own and he only sees them ever other weekend (at most).  I don't believe most of what she tells me now so I have no idea if this is true.  But it's tempting to conclude from this that he f***ked up his own relationship not so long ago and this is the type of man he is.  Great choice!

I want to forget this now. I've tried to move on from the affair but it comes back and bites me every now and again. Ultimately it was her f**k up and she's a moron because of it and I'm angry with her. I can always tell myself that her guy was such a low life that he is no more than dirt to me and could never ever be the sort of man and father that I am.
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(12-19-2018, 08:58 PM)Kate Wrote: I always see life as a series of choices. Sometimes we make bad choices, but they only come to be seen as bad choices in hindsight many years later. Now I’m older, I see it going on in the younger generation of my family and those of my friends. 

I suppose society now makes it much easier for a woman to decide that she’ll get out of a marriage or relationship: benefits, Family Court, police, Women’s Aid type support and so on, plus the definition of what constitutes abuse in a marriage or relationship has changed so much that it’s easier to claim abuse.

In many cases where a long-term relationship breaks down there’s a third part involved, but I’ve not yet seen anyone on this forum blame the third party for facilitating the breakdown of their relationship. Surely, some blame should be apportioned to a man who is willing to form a relationship with a woman who is already in a relationship. I think it’s scathingly known as “White Knighting” on some forums.

Just my opinion, so I hope I won’t get too much hate mail for it.

No hate mail from me, there was another man involved in my separation and divorce, i don't like him, but as I don't know him its not possible for me to fully blame him, his STBXW will do that plenty, I dont have contact with him and dont know him so dont talk about him. I have read other guys on here berating the 'new' partners their ex wives found, often remarkably quickly....
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I think men are more realistic and realise that ultimately their ex’s prefer the third party to them for whatever reason and it still hurts regardless.

It is generally women who hate the other woman and hate creates conflict. Whereas the men are more concerned about keeping contact with their children which women don’t usually have to worry about. So the concern over the children is more pressing than worrying about a new guy on the scene.

My ex left me for another woman and he is still with her. I never blamed her. Got my Xmas card from them last week lol.

It’s amazing What you can get over in time but what helped was thinking ‘ why would I want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me?’ If not her it could have been someone else.
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Hazy I can't help thinking your Ex is so lucky to have an Ex like you. And so are your children.

This is a terribly difficult thing to come in terms with even for men. So even more credit to you.
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Thanks Daddolent Smile it made MY life easier not to have any ongoing drama either.

I have no love for him now but care that if anything happens to him that the kids will be upset. He is their Dad and I respect that. Always have done.

I’ll be seeing my ex sister in law next week , we have always remained in touch. She doesn’t talk to her brother any more but that’s nothing to do with me. My ex mother in law used to come over too for visits before she died.

Funny old world.
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It’s amazing What you can get over in time but what helped was thinking ‘ why would I want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me?’ If not her it could have been someone else.

This is how i see my future Hazy.. there's no point wanting or wishing to be with someone whom doesn't feel the same or sings off the same hymn sheet.

Don't get me wrong though i was gutted in the beginning, 10 months in i still don't know the reasons why??

In that time iv'e met a fantastic women, which i will admit has helped forget the shitty past with the ex.

As for DRAMA its like having my own sky channel lol. wishing 2019 is less of an obstacle with the ex, as she'll be paid her share of the family home, and no need to communicate other than relevent matters regarding the children, no time for general chit chat with her after all the false allegations and threats.
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Hazy/Pazzer, it’s interesting how situations can change over time. I’m a widow, but my now long-term partner had been divorced for several years when I met him. From what he tells me it was quite acrimonious and his wife was attempting to cut him out of his son’s life.

For many years they weren’t on speaking terms, but this began to change when his son moved some distance away and his ex-wife sometimes needed a lift for the journey (this is how I first got to know her). Then their son married and had a child, so that was another thing that started to draw them together.

Now, several years later, my partner’s ex-wife is living in the same household as her son, daughter-in-law and grandchild. On the odd occasion my partner will go and stay there for a few days. With the distance involved and people living such busy lives, this is the only way that he gets to spend much time with his son (who’s now 30), so I accept this. That’s not to say that when he’s away and I’m rattling round on my own, I don’t get the odd moment when I feel a bit insecure and worry that maybe they’ll come to the conclusion that the divorce was a bad choice and they’d be better off as a family unit. Confused

I suppose that it’s sometimes possible to get past all the bad things that went on during separation/divorce if there’s a will to do it, even if at the time it seems like hell will freeze over before there’s any chance of that.
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