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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
#31
(08-15-2018, 11:26 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: p.s.  Yes, sorry if I've gone off topic. I didn't mean to hijack the thread.

It's all relevant, I can see you're trying to decide if you should affect total separation!
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#32
Yes, I am. Just spoke with my counsellor about it too.

Speaking of an experience I do have, my partner's sister and husband split up in 2011. There were some awful years, but they have somehow managed to remain friends. I actually went out for a drink with them both for the England/Panama game and we had a great time. He's been through hell though, I'm certain. But hee says that their kids thank them for remaining friends. I can't say whether it was right or wrong. I also think they were in such dire straits with money that they had to rely on each other. And they also both admit that if either of them had partners, it probably wouldn't work.
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#33
Wish mine would actively seek letting agents or alternative housing, shes got until Friday to respond to my solicitors, or i'm forced to let the courts decide my asset worth in a jointly owned mortgage free house... no other outcome other than 50/50 in my opinion as we are not married....she has a reasonable weekly income £300-350 plus i'll pay cms amounts for 2 around £100 plus £65k for her share of home... plus she'll pay costs for fucking about and dragging her feet and a decision that she initiated.... ill update the outcomes as and when...the futures bright..
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#34
(08-15-2018, 06:21 PM)pazzer1973 Wrote: Wish mine would actively seek letting agents or alternative housing, shes got until Friday to respond to my solicitors, or i'm forced to let the courts decide my asset worth in a jointly owned mortgage free house... no other outcome other than 50/50 in my opinion as we are not married....she has a reasonable weekly income £300-350 plus i'll pay cms amounts for 2 around £100 plus £65k for her share of home... plus she'll pay costs for fucking about and dragging her feet and a decision that she initiated.... ill update the outcomes as and when...the futures bright..

Sounds similar to me.  We're not married and I reckon we have about £130k equity to split.  Mine is being pro-active, registering with agents etc, but when I talk to her she does a bit of staring into the distance.  She's either starting to resent the fact that I'm getting on with the separation, or the chickens are coming home to roost.  

Like you, it was my partner that came to me and told me she was unfulfilled and wanted to be the person she was when she was younger, which meant sleeping around, basically.  She still wanted us to be a family and for her and I to work on our "deep friendship" ffs. But she was already seeing somebody and lied through her teeth about it for weeks.  She is like a 14-year-old (she's 44) She hadn't considered a single consequence of her actions.  Didn't consider where she'd live, how she'd survive, that the family would break up, that our families would be heartbroken and betrayed, that friendships would be lost...  She said she just thought she'd tell me and see what I did.  But of course, I now know there was somebody else in the mix as well so it was already broken.

Sorry.  Off-topic again but I couldn't help comment!
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#35
Best advice I have seen by far! It is difficult, it takes time, there is pain, grief and what seems like an eternally slow dragging process, however it is worth it 100%. Be civil, polite and courteous, be dignified and gracious, turn the other cheek, avoid drink or drugs and any kind of physical escapism. For me, it has been the best thing ever. I know it is not over because I have to see her every week at the hand-over. I now have a new house and re-booting a new life. There will still be up's and down's but they will be much easier because I have absolutely no 'resonance' of her in my life at all.
Please, take this advice. Do it... in several months you'll thank Tamagoto on this thread.
Be positive, pro-active, look forward, cleanse your life of marriage, re-discover yourself.
Be happy.
Thanks Tamagoto for your honesty and clarity.
(08-09-2018, 02:10 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: Over the last 18 months of picking myself up from a quite calamitous break up, and subsequently speaking to hundreds of people here and local friends in similar situations, I can honestly say the thing that will help you keep your sanity the most is an almost total physical, legal and emotional separation from your ex partner.

Yes, you have children, yes you still need to parent and communicate. But you don’t need to do anything else and if you want to really heal, being away from that ex is the way to do it, regardless of what feelings you may still have.

This means:
  • Not being facebook friends. In fact, it means blocking them so they can’t stalk you. The same goes for all social media
  • Not having any financial links, no shared bank accounts, credit cards, bills or savings
  • Having a written agreement (legally binding or not) with regard to child care, financial support, living arrangements
  • Not speaking to each other for any reason other than the children, and keeping that to a minimum required to keep them safe and happy
  • Not engaging at all with unreasonable demands or questions. Things like “Don’t take my kids there”,  “Don’t let my kids meet XX”, “Don’t do this, don’t do that”. Just flat out ignore these, you are not endangering your children, you get to choose what they do on their time with you
  • Not respond to anything other than a genuine emergency (serious illness of the children) faster than 24 hours
  • Essentially having everything already decided in advance so you keep communication to a minimum
  • Get rid of everything you can that you bought together. Sell it, get something new or second hand to replace it. I really mean everything, plates, mugs, cups, cutlery, sofa, bed, the lot
  • Get rid of any photographs or mementos you bought each other, old love letters, marriage photographs
  • If you have any of their stuff they still want but you're being used as cheap storage, box it all up at least and seal it. put it behind the sofa or in the back room. Better still, get it out the house somehow.
  • Let the kids keep a picture of your ex in their room, but lose every other image of them from your home or devices
  • Change their name in your phone to "Children mother" or similar.
  • Refer to your ex as "The children mum" or "their mum", not My ex, or 'Sandra'

I had a great deal of trouble doing this, then, because my ex was trying to get legal aid, a legal thing ended with there being a restraining order against me for 12 months and I couldn’t speak to her. This was a huge gift to me it turns out. Any time I wanted to send an angry text, every time she wanted to wind me up about something, it couldn’t happen.

Time and time again I read here about guys being pulled around by the heart strings, their penis or just out of habit of supporting someone emotionally and financially, unable to move on with their lives and truly become their own person.

Quick example, one woman I’ve seen for a few dates, she’s divorced, after 20 years, but they have a key to each others house, share a bank account and borrow each others cars as well as leaning on each other hugely for emotional support. Other than not having sex, what’s the damned difference after separating?

Be brief, polite & businesslike in all of your communication, you can set the tone for how things should be, they can be as angry or fast as they like, if you remain consistent it will bring their communication inline with yours.

Couple of good resources:
"The life changing magic of tidying up" https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Changing-M...0091955106
"The Minimalists" - https://www.theminimalists.com (watch their documentary on Netflix, read their books)

This is all about momentum. Start with one thing on day 1 if you need to, 2 things on day 2, 3 on the third etc. Keep going until there is nothing in your life but things you believe to be useful or beautiful. Make sure they bring you joy.

Any thoughts or improvements to this? I'll update it as a guide if it's useful
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#36
(08-15-2018, 10:19 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: [quote pid='30029' dateline='1534327501']
My ex has repeatedly said she didn't have the "connection" with me that she yearns for.  Our sex life was rubbish for years and she never seemed into me in that way.  It's very very tough.  Do I keep chasing her and potentially buy into more and more pain, or perhaps a few months with her before it all goes wrong again?  Or do I cut my losses, get on with life and all the positivity I know awaits, never fully knowing whether it could've been saved?

[/quote]

Fatcat - like a lot of guys you like to fix things and don't like to admit they are broken and cant be fixed. Some women might have a remarkable survival instinct to latch on to a 'provider'.... or to have a back up. Her warming to you might just be this. Unless she can categorically tell you to you face that she 100% wants to fix it, is believable and can back it up with substance, you are just hanging on to a 'what if' scenario that you have no evidence will work, and all the evidence points to it not working. Simple truth is you are young enough to start over, meet someone new, start a new family if you want, or have some fun or whatever. Unless she can convince you that she is good enough for your attention, you should walk away so to speak...
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#37
Dude, thanks for this. It's good advice at a time when I need it because I'm pretty strong now, but wobbles happen.  11 weeks and counting and I've learnt so much in that time. I know I can move on.  I know the kids will be safe with each of us.  But any emotion shown by her drags me backwards and makes me worry that I'm chucking in the towel too early.  You're right, and I've said it to myself all along - I'd need to be convinced of full commitment from her to change my mind now and I haven't seen a scrap of it if I'm honest.
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#38
(08-16-2018, 02:05 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Dude, thanks for this. It's good advice at a time when I need it because I'm pretty strong now, but wobbles happen.  11 weeks and counting and I've learnt so much in that time. I know I can move on.  I know the kids will be safe with each of us.  But any emotion shown by her drags me backwards and makes me worry that I'm chucking in the towel too early.  You're right, and I've said it to myself all along - I'd need to be convinced of full commitment from her to change my mind now and I haven't seen a scrap of it if I'm honest.

I get this, exactly this. I'm making good progress, dating or building something new and then she throws a bone my way and it all starts to wobble. Its been nearly two years for me and I still think (sometimes) that I can fix it....
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#39
More swearing from the resident Buddhist:

If it's not fuck yeah, then it's hell no.

In all things, all the time. Especially in relationships. From both sides. Nothing else is worth the hassle. Nothing.
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#40
(08-16-2018, 02:42 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote:
(08-16-2018, 02:05 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Dude, thanks for this. It's good advice at a time when I need it because I'm pretty strong now, but wobbles happen.  11 weeks and counting and I've learnt so much in that time. I know I can move on.  I know the kids will be safe with each of us.  But any emotion shown by her drags me backwards and makes me worry that I'm chucking in the towel too early.  You're right, and I've said it to myself all along - I'd need to be convinced of full commitment from her to change my mind now and I haven't seen a scrap of it if I'm honest.

I get this, exactly this. I'm making good progress, dating or building something new and then she throws a bone my way and it all starts to wobble. Its been nearly two years for me and I still think (sometimes) that I can fix it....

My partner's sister split from her husband in 2011 under almost identical circumstances.  Our split has got them talking about what happened and, apparently, she's been making hints about getting back together.  7 years!  He doesn't want her back.
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