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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
#61
(09-03-2018, 02:52 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(09-03-2018, 02:07 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: On the topic of de-cluttering, we need to do it emotionally also, a line some have us have used is 'she is not your friend' or 'friends wouldn't do that' - the sooner we stop (or try) thinking of them as such, take them off the pedestals and ignore their clingy overtures (they do this to feel better about shafting us) the easier it is to move on, the mantra 'she is not your friend' is five words that remind us and help us in that.

It's taken me exactly 3 months to realise this and now I can accept the mantra into my life  Smile

But what about being friends in future?  Once you're over it; you've moved on; the money is sorted; the grief is gone; forgiveness has happened.  You have a bond - you had kids together.  Would any of you consider a friendship with your ex then, current relationship allowing?

Its an interesting question, I'll tell you a story about my ex in-laws, FIL cheated on MIL and they separated 30 years ago, MIL remarried twice (she was widowed) but remained 'friends' with FIL, about 8 years ago they sleep with each other after MIL has a row with new-ish husband. Fucked up right but after his cheating, then staying friends, people being vulnerable and a bit tipsy crazy stuff happens. Being friends with the ex even after 20-25 years, carries risks to new relationships.

And think of the reasons why, is it about genuine friendship, or control? If my best friend of 37 years did this to me he wouldn't be my friend ever, we simply part ways, we have no control or desire to control. My ex is desperate to be my friend as she believes its a nice thing to do and takes the edge of the unspeakable things she did to me, AND she wants an element of control over my life. As many of the guys who were cheated on can testify, the ex-wives start getting all friendly (jealous) when we meet new partners.... 

So I think there are certain times it could happen, but generally no. The thing that has scuppered my two previous new relationships since separating is the over involvement and 'friendship' of my ex wife.
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#62
More than anything I've benefitted from knowing I'm not alone, that what happened to me wasn't unusual and that life does indeed go on.

We'll be ok
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#63
(09-04-2018, 08:38 AM)Mr sandman Wrote: the ex-wives start getting all friendly (jealous) when we meet new partners.... 

Guys - my divorce is finally starting after a long-ish wait. After not hearing from my wife for months all of a sudden it's regular-ish emails and she's all friendly and helpful. Can't help but be suspicious. Has anybody else had experience of the other half turning nice as soon as the shit hits the fan? Or heard about it?
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#64
My ex is also all sweetness and light. I mean she is pregnant. But still. Ignore it. Don’t be fooled. Stay strong.
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#65
(09-05-2018, 10:43 AM)Jim Wrote:
(09-04-2018, 08:38 AM)Mr sandman Wrote: the ex-wives start getting all friendly (jealous) when we meet new partners.... 

Guys - my divorce is finally starting after a long-ish wait. After not hearing from my wife for months all of a sudden it's regular-ish emails and she's all friendly and helpful. Can't help but be suspicious. Has anybody else had experience of the other half turning nice as soon as the shit hits the fan? Or heard about it?

Fuck yeah - like all the time - they shaft us - we get miserable for a while - then we go and man-up, lose some weight, and some new clothes and get a plan - ex wives get jealous because we start seeing younger and more attractive women - ex wives want to be friendly and probably remember why they loved us in the first place.

My heart is pumping purple piss for you Pet...
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#66
...mine tells me this morning that she thinks the menopause has started for her, just as I start dating a women in her 30s.  Not sure how I feel about that bit of news but there's something ironic about it... somewhere.
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#67
4 years ago doctors told my stbx that she was perimenopausal
Her mood swings were horrendous -read about it menopausal hatred Mine down to a tee.
The thing that strikes me about the majority of us guys on here is that we are normal (ish) and decent hardworking providors andbeen shit on from a big height and in lots of cases locked up by wanker police forces that stereo type us as the aggerssive male believing the lies that exs put out
Mine has made the biggest mistake of he life I have lots of it on audio and all her mates will eventually hear my side of things

Now Id rather pay £40 for a quickie in a parlour than the £2500 a month for nothing in bed and loads of aggro

Girls wanting decent guys are 10 a penny but you now what my experience with ex has put me right off for a few months at least even tho I am on POF and finding it easy to get my self across I dont know if I want that live in arrangement again in my life

I am getting some contact with my &yo Daughter and nearly agreed out of mediation for a 45/55 split and you kno what she is loving the us time with no one else around
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#68
I think it's like the menopause did for my marriage too. It certainly didn't help. I am not saying my wife is being nice to come back. More I get the feeling it's to get a better deal. Looking good in court or in front of the solicitor. Can't help feeling I am being played for a mug.
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#69
Sad 
"The thing that strikes me about the majority of us guys on here is that we are normal (ish) and decent hardworking providors and been shit on from a big height"  -  Dude, you're absolutely right.  And then they turn themselves into the victim and get it straight in their heads to put the blame on you, for doing nothing more than being a decent hard working guy.  Happiness does not await them.  The grass is not greener.  Mine openly admits that she was not unhappy before all this. She just felt she had a "void in her creative being" that she thinks will be filled by shagging around.  Now that her affair is over, it's as if she's doing it out of pride.

Getting back to the topic of total separation, I had a chat with mine last night about our plans for proper separation.  See what you think:

She insists she wants to rent a 2-bed flat for a few months to help her save some money.  I'm not going to argue.  I mean, what can I do?  She hopes to take the kids on holiday at half term.  Fine.  Problem is, we own a large dog. Both of us would be happy to see him go to a loving home but the kids would be devastated and they hardly need more pain at the moment.  I work all day so am not at home.  Solution?  She'll come to the house to see the dog and walk him.  It makes sense but is hardly ideal and goes against the concept of total separation.

Next problem.  She doesn't want the kids to go into after school club on the evenings  that I have them, but I can't get to the school until 5.30.  I don't really either and it's expensive.  We'd discussed the possibility of her collecting them and then I collect them from her on my way home from work.  She's suggested just bringing them back to mine.  I live 5 mins from the school.  Again, it makes a lot of sense but is an invasion of my privacy.

These are just a couple of the thousands of issues she didn't consider when she started an affair with a complete stranger and ended our 13-year relationship and 32-year friendship (apparently the affair and us breaking up weren't linked).  But when I ask  why she didn't consider all this or I talk about making proper plans like adults are supposed to, it's as if they are dirty things to do... like goat porn?  Apparently her mind doesn't work like mine... like mine has a defect because I consider consequences and make plans for the wellbeing of our familyConfused

I'm hoping these issues will be temporary.  I'm staying in the house because she can't buy me out. It's a pity because the perfect solution would be for her to buy me out and stay in the house with the kids and the dog... her weed habit, and a ton of housework that I won't be helping with anymore.  I'd be much better in a low maintenance place .  But it can't happen and I have to decide whether I keep the house or buy something smaller elsewhere in a few months.  And she doesn't want a 2-bed flat forever.  We have 3 kids.  

I'd rather leave but I can't.   I mean, let's say I want a girlfriend but she's still coming and going from the house to see the dog etc.  Not to mention the fact that all my neighbours know us well enough to be exchanging texts, going for drinks, xmas presents etc and will see me bringing a new woman home.

So, the final howler for total separation was this;  when she mentioned taking the kids on holiday at half term, she mumbled a bit and looked at her feet and suggested I might like to join them, "somewhere hot".  I'm guessing she thinks it'd be nice for the kids, perhaps she thinks it'll ease the financial burden.  Perhaps she realises that I organised all the details of our holidays - flights, luggage, cars, accommodation... and money!  The last point fills me with worry.  I'm not sure if I trust her to take three kids abroad on her own.
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#70
(09-05-2018, 05:48 PM)ohitsonlyme Wrote: 4 years ago doctors told my stbx that she was perimenopausal

Mine reckoned she was perimenopausal too. If the symptoms are selfishness, cheating, lying and generally being poisonous then the diagnosis was correct. If that was the warm up, I guess I'm lucky I didn't have to suffer through the actual menopause.
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