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On the benefits of total separation from our ex partners
#81
FC - I know we've mentioned it elsewhere but you've got to get that key off her (do you have a key to her flat?). She still views it as her home, the after-school one is simple, she goes to her flat or out somewhere else with the kids, its your house and she shouldn't be in there without you. If your dating your new GF will (at some point) go abso-fucking-lutely ballistic at this arrangement. For the dogs and the kids she should be knocking at the door and waiting outside to pick them up. Fast forward a year and your GF will want a key, be able to stay over, she wont think its possible if your STBXW is on the scene and maybe dump your ass.

Trust me implicitly when I say the biggest thing I've seen fuck-up the new relationships of recently separated dads is the closeness of the X/STBX wife. I was going out with a super-hot, very intelligent, sexy, senior finance director who I was falling in love with and she effectively dumped me because I wasn't separated enough, my STBXW had a key, came round the house, dropped things off, picked things up...... Salutary lesson there bud.... Except when I went out with the slightly less hot, slightly attractive, kinda smart receptionist, she also questioned the closeness with the ex wife and it strained the relationship too.
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#82
Short term - let it slide. No good will come of it.

Long term - accelerate the decoupling and change the locks as soon as you can
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#83
It's sage advice Sandman, thanks.  As you'll appreciate from your split, I'm still finding my feet and trying not to cause undue conflict or harm to our cooperative arrangement while I'm still exposed to her playing hardball with the house and possibly the kids.  But I'm going to try and steer towards what you suggest very quickly.

Yes, I'm dating. She knows my situation and is understanding.  Fortunately, though I like her, I'm taking it very slowly and could cope if she called it off.  But I know I want the freedom to do as I please pretty soon.
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#84
(10-05-2018, 08:46 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote:  ... in love with and she effectively dumped me because I wasn't separated enough ...

A woman can kind of smell it on you if you haven't moved on, can't they? Even if you're doing no more than chatting and don't  think you've mentioned it they can pick it up. It's like a flaming great 'Not Available' sign.
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#85
(10-05-2018, 09:02 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Short term - let it slide. No good will come of it.

Long term - accelerate the decoupling and change the locks as soon as you can

It's the decoupling.  Several people have warned me to be patient.  One step at at a time. She hasn't had her first tax credits payment yet.  It's only been a fortnight.  But I do agree.  Once there is no threat to my home, I can be firmer with her.  For now, she is still on the deeds and could be very difficult if she wanted to I imagine.  She's put herself in a situation that isn't ideal for the kids and it could still come back on me.

Today she asked if I'd like to come up to her mum's next weekend with the kids for a village party. Initially I said no. Then I said she could take the kids if she wanted, but I didn't want to go...no offence etc.  It's hard to keep a straight head when your ex wants to carry on like nothing's happened in spite of the very apparent wake of destruction behind her.
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#86
Although it was on the surface my idea my wife was keen to build a close friendship up to and beyond divorce. After giving it a shot I found the wear and tear on my nerves was even worse than it was before so I made it clear to her it's out of the question. I have just come across this paragraph that gives a good long term reason for keeping a distance:

"Even ten years after divorce, research has found undiminished resentment towards the ex-partner in a significant proportion of women, though this kind of long-term anger is less common in men."

In other words it seems to be normal for men's emotions to settle down and to be able to move on. You can't really do it if you're in regular contact and you're also going to be in range of the other person's lasting resentment.
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#87
Hmm. Interesting. I can imagine this being true in my case.  But it's f***ed up because it was my ex that ended us and it was her that had met someone else and was in love with them and sleeping with them.  And although I'm still angry and still processing the hurt, I feel like she is the one full of resentment.  Now that she's out of sight, it doesn't bother me so much.  But while I was living with her, and while I'm spending time with her, I feel it again and I want to say to her "what the f*** have you got to be so pissed off with me about?"

She texted me this morning and said my middle daughter was very upset that we aren't spending time together.  She's suggested staying for a cup of tea when she drops the kids off tonight. I've agreed.  I'm thinking I might be able to run through some  issue with her, but I also feel like the kids have got to be helped to come to terms with the situation, not be deceived with some false show of friendship.
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#88
(10-08-2018, 08:10 AM)Jim Wrote: In other words it seems to be normal for men's emotions to settle down and to be able to move on. You can't really do it if you're in regular contact and you're also going to be in range of the other person's lasting resentment.

This is the most frustrating thing for me. I've never been one to keep regular contact with exes, and I'd love to delete this one from my life, but the fact is she's the mother of my daughter so we will be in each others lives until one of us croaks......I hate that....
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#89
(10-08-2018, 08:54 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(10-08-2018, 08:10 AM)Jim Wrote: In other words it seems to be normal for men's emotions to settle down and to be able to move on. You can't really do it if you're in regular contact and you're also going to be in range of the other person's lasting resentment.

This is the most frustrating thing for me. I've never been one to keep regular contact with exes, and I'd love to delete this one from my life, but the fact is she's the mother of my daughter so we will be in each others lives until one of us croaks......I hate that....

In my case, although I've said I hate her at times, I don't.  Not really.  If anything I feel a bit sorry for her because of the way she is.  But there would be no reason for me to keep in touch with her if we didn't have kids and life would be a lot easier for it.  I think I speak to one of my ex's out of 3 previous long-term relationships.  But even then, it's only on FB and very occasional.
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#90
(10-08-2018, 08:54 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(10-08-2018, 08:10 AM)Jim Wrote: In other words it seems to be normal for men's emotions to settle down and to be able to move on. You can't really do it if you're in regular contact and you're also going to be in range of the other person's lasting resentment.

This is the most frustrating thing for me. I've never been one to keep regular contact with exes, and I'd love to delete this one from my life, but the fact is she's the mother of my daughter so we will be in each others lives until one of us croaks......I hate that....

Hi LB. How old is your daughter? Shouldn't there come a point where she keeps up the relationship and her mother doesn't really enter into it?
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