Over the last 18 months of picking myself up from a quite calamitous break up, and subsequently speaking to hundreds of people here and local friends in similar situations, I can honestly say the thing that will help you keep your sanity the most is an almost total physical, legal and emotional separation from your ex partner.
Yes, you have children, yes you still need to parent and communicate. But you don’t need to do anything else and if you want to really heal, being away from that ex is the way to do it, regardless of what feelings you may still have.
This means:
I had a great deal of trouble doing this, then, because my ex was trying to get legal aid, a legal thing ended with there being a restraining order against me for 12 months and I couldn’t speak to her. This was a huge gift to me it turns out. Any time I wanted to send an angry text, every time she wanted to wind me up about something, it couldn’t happen.
Time and time again I read here about guys being pulled around by the heart strings, their penis or just out of habit of supporting someone emotionally and financially, unable to move on with their lives and truly become their own person.
Quick example, one woman I’ve seen for a few dates, she’s divorced, after 20 years, but they have a key to each others house, share a bank account and borrow each others cars as well as leaning on each other hugely for emotional support. Other than not having sex, what’s the damned difference after separating?
Be brief, polite & businesslike in all of your communication, you can set the tone for how things should be, they can be as angry or fast as they like, if you remain consistent it will bring their communication inline with yours.
Couple of good resources:
"The life changing magic of tidying up" https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Changing-M...0091955106
"The Minimalists" - https://www.theminimalists.com (watch their documentary on Netflix, read their books)
This is all about momentum. Start with one thing on day 1 if you need to, 2 things on day 2, 3 on the third etc. Keep going until there is nothing in your life but things you believe to be useful or beautiful. Make sure they bring you joy.
Any thoughts or improvements to this? I'll update it as a guide if it's useful
Yes, you have children, yes you still need to parent and communicate. But you don’t need to do anything else and if you want to really heal, being away from that ex is the way to do it, regardless of what feelings you may still have.
This means:
- Not being facebook friends. In fact, it means blocking them so they can’t stalk you. The same goes for all social media
- Not having any financial links, no shared bank accounts, credit cards, bills or savings
- Having a written agreement (legally binding or not) with regard to child care, financial support, living arrangements
- Not speaking to each other for any reason other than the children, and keeping that to a minimum required to keep them safe and happy
- Not engaging at all with unreasonable demands or questions. Things like “Don’t take my kids there”, “Don’t let my kids meet XX”, “Don’t do this, don’t do that”. Just flat out ignore these, you are not endangering your children, you get to choose what they do on their time with you
- Not respond to anything other than a genuine emergency (serious illness of the children) faster than 24 hours
- Essentially having everything already decided in advance so you keep communication to a minimum
- Get rid of everything you can that you bought together. Sell it, get something new or second hand to replace it. I really mean everything, plates, mugs, cups, cutlery, sofa, bed, the lot
- Get rid of any photographs or mementos you bought each other, old love letters, marriage photographs
- If you have any of their stuff they still want but you're being used as cheap storage, box it all up at least and seal it. put it behind the sofa or in the back room. Better still, get it out the house somehow.
- Let the kids keep a picture of your ex in their room, but lose every other image of them from your home or devices
- Change their name in your phone to "Children mother" or similar.
- Refer to your ex as "The children mum" or "their mum", not My ex, or 'Sandra'
- Arrange drop offs and hand overs through a third party / at school
I had a great deal of trouble doing this, then, because my ex was trying to get legal aid, a legal thing ended with there being a restraining order against me for 12 months and I couldn’t speak to her. This was a huge gift to me it turns out. Any time I wanted to send an angry text, every time she wanted to wind me up about something, it couldn’t happen.
Time and time again I read here about guys being pulled around by the heart strings, their penis or just out of habit of supporting someone emotionally and financially, unable to move on with their lives and truly become their own person.
Quick example, one woman I’ve seen for a few dates, she’s divorced, after 20 years, but they have a key to each others house, share a bank account and borrow each others cars as well as leaning on each other hugely for emotional support. Other than not having sex, what’s the damned difference after separating?
Be brief, polite & businesslike in all of your communication, you can set the tone for how things should be, they can be as angry or fast as they like, if you remain consistent it will bring their communication inline with yours.
Couple of good resources:
"The life changing magic of tidying up" https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Changing-M...0091955106
"The Minimalists" - https://www.theminimalists.com (watch their documentary on Netflix, read their books)
This is all about momentum. Start with one thing on day 1 if you need to, 2 things on day 2, 3 on the third etc. Keep going until there is nothing in your life but things you believe to be useful or beautiful. Make sure they bring you joy.
Any thoughts or improvements to this? I'll update it as a guide if it's useful