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Maybe one day a 'fine' for making up allegations that can be proven to be untrue..
#1
Hi to everyone who takes part in this most valuable group.

I'm a newly separated dad and 4 months in to a separation and divorce with a 5 year old boy who day by day is being used more and more by his overly controlling and decietful Mother to further her own aims as to what she believes she's entitled to re access and financial settlements.

Being in my mid 50's I've lived a little, set up from scratch and run a business for 30 years - 11 years ago met my wife and happily settled into married life with a great little boy born 5 years ago.

In that she met some else last Novemeber to which I had no knowledge and then partitioned me for Divorce in April 
without any warning - with Behaviour Particulars that even my own Solicitor was surprised had made it over the hurdle for being accepted, I started a journey like us all with no real knowledge of the sheer emotional and mental shock and damage to that comes our way. I fully realise with the great help taken from reading from many others experiences on this site over the last couple of months that my journey still has some way to travel.

The last 4 months has  completely drained my energy and the business has greatly suffered because of it. I blame that on no one but myself but to concrentrate on anything is so hard hard - being self employed really does not help either.

I've read and taken on board so much of the superb advice given by others here and being as best I can on a daily struggle of lies, mistruths and minor normal events twisted beyond belief and with aid of legal input to offer up vague and unsubstanciated claims. 

I now understand from many posts here to try and ignore unsubstanciated and unproven general claims written to you via an ex's Solicitors letters and with the help on the Forum I have learnt which battles to choose.

As I say I'm 4 months in to looking after both my son and my own's interest - but I still well remember at the 1st handover and listening with disbelief to the verbal abuse and scorn heaped on me in front of my son for things I had never done. What I remember more is driving away and being genuinely stunned that I had no idea who I had just delivered my son too - it wasn't the person who I had met, loved, married and cared for - although only a week on - this was a complete stranger and to whom now I look back a wish it was just a stranger and not this narcisstict creature spitting lies and venom on a daily basis - who by having primary care of our son thinks she is superior and can call all the shots. The legal concept of co patenting rights and a joint decision making process is simply beyond her thinking.
I did think as many probably also did during the inital stages that we must be unique in just not recognising the person we have lived and shared so much with - reading posts here it seems its a character change that is common
from day 1.

I've experienced the full range of threats, bullying, shouting and screaming in public places at handover to which I have serious concerns with her loss of self control ie I'm seen as fair game if in front of her - if she so chooses, but today I have been genuinely shocked at another Solicitors letter via my own of allegations made to my own parenting skills. I thought the bottom of the barrel had been reached some time ago and it couldn't get worse but
today its now licking the barrel clean time. The allegations can be easily knocked back - but it was the lowness reached after my son's passport had to be surrendered to her Solicitor after threats made in a temper a few days ago resulted having to request this or for a P.S. Order being made. The risk as a last resort was readonably high.
This was another stone taken off her power base.

Am still shocked several hours later even after a decent call with my own Solicitor of the depth's Ex's will sink too - despite been fully armed with all that I have read here.

It would be just great if someway in the future a system could devised in this horrible messy process that with the aid of your Solicitor you instruct them to write an accusation or allegation which is then proven false you would then be fined or forfeit £500 per lie. Happy for it to work both ways.

The crushing despondancy when you are doing all you can to keep realively sane - slightly healthy - and give the love, support and care to your children when and after reading these legal letters is vastly under estimated.
The cost of despair, hopelessness and huge amounts of wasted time and energy is just immense.

I'm willing to accept its a naive thought but I have for the first time today really wished Solicitors would really consider the effect and would or could actually in some way in asking for proof before sending out these letters with short clipped sentences of unsubstantiated claims which have no personal meaning to them but have such devastating consequences for those it is sent to and read the lies and completely distorted twisted claims being made.

I am sure the legal framework in matrimonial proceedings won't change that much in my time but change it must to make it more of a level playing field and and give some penalty for claims then found to be false in this 'me-too' era.

Again I thank everyone of you for all your amazing help and encouragement given in support to others on this site
and to me you have been invaluable.

A very very big thank you
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#2
Keep fighting the good fight my man, in the end you know the truth and your son will come to see it as you behave honourably and truthfully for the rest of your life with him. All we can ever hope to have is a good relationship with our children.

I too am amazed by the things the woman I worshipped stooped to do and say. If it wasn't for everyone's stories here, I'd have thought I was alone!
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#3
Out of interest though don't they grow tried of making up nonsense and paying a solicitor ridiculous money to communicate their lies?
I guess the answer is no.

That's partly why I'm vowing never to pay a dime in legal fees in the future, she would just get a kick out of it.
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#4
You can reply and suggest that they 'cease and desist'.
Highlight that they are 'inaccurate and inflammatory'.
That it is defamation of character and slander.
They won't listen. But worth documenting.

Secretly record one/all of her rant's... there will be an App to do it.
Play it to your solicitor to prove her instability/volatile nature.
There's a possible case for 'Unreasonable Behaviour'.

I too am in my 50's... and the letters still get my heart going.
I can't stop the anxiety until the next day.

As for the solicitors... they are ultimately just being paid.
They advise and guide, but essentially do as they are told.
Women (in divorce) don't seem to have the same filters as
we men do, and their emotions get carried away, because
suddenly they think they are in total control. They're not.

Sounds like you have at least found your feet for now.
And from what you say... you need the same for your business.
Put your intelligence to good work... and find some armour.
You are going into battle. Prepare, choose your battles wisely.
Be your own knight, defend what is yours.
Good luck.
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#5
Wouldnt it be good if they put a law in stopping a solicitor making 1000's knowing 100 % their clients are telling lies and making thousands more by by prolonging cases and emptying legal aid pots for no reason.

I know some cases you can be unsure , but solicitors/barristers are clever people and must know on a percentage of cases when opposition have done nothing wrong. Could be even they operate a law if they are reported so many times for doing so especially when legal aid is involved.

How many people on here have been up against legal aid represented ex partners when you done nothing wrong other than wanting to be a dad
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#6
(08-23-2018, 08:54 AM)I am a human Wrote: You can reply and suggest that they 'cease and desist'.
Highlight that they are 'inaccurate and inflammatory'.
That it is defamation of character and slander.
They won't listen. But worth documenting.

Secretly record one/all of her rant's... there will be an App to do it.
Play it to your solicitor to prove her instability/volatile nature.
There's a possible case for 'Unreasonable Behaviour'.

I too am in my 50's... and the letters still get my heart going.
I can't stop the anxiety until the next day.

As for the solicitors... they are ultimately just being paid.
They advise and guide, but essentially do as they are told.
Women (in divorce) don't seem to have the same filters as
we men do, and their emotions get carried away, because
suddenly they think they are in total control. They're not.

Sounds like you have at least found your feet for now.
And from what you say... you need the same for your business.
Put your intelligence to good work... and find some armour.
You are going into battle. Prepare, choose your battles wisely.
Be your own knight, defend what is yours.
Good luck.

Thanks for the encouragement and have used 'cease and desist' on her sides first letter
of complaint written received the day after she moved out.

2 days before she moved out, after picking her up from work during a 15 minute journey to pick our son up from nursery she went absolutely berserk with all sorts of nasty comments thrown in for good measure - its her way and over 10 years of marriage i suppose i'd got used to it. 
In that i didnt respond or rise to the bate simply made her more angry - what made this rant different and with potential consequences was that as she got out of the car outside the nursery she screamed at the stop of her voice "stop threatening me - stop threatening me ". A random guy washing his car 20 yds away heard it all and naturally looked concerned - woman upset - guy in car - she shouting at him stop threatening me - she runs across the road in tears ...... hopefully I would have done the same as him as it looks wrong in everyway if your a witness to it but I said after he came over to me that it was ok, reassured him no threats had been made and in a couple of minutes he would see her come out of the nursery and be perfectly ok. That she did hopping in the car after putting our boy in the back - I gave the guy washing his car the thumbs up before she cheerily made the suggestion of going to the sweet shop for our lad - to which still stunned from achieving a new personal best in hissy fits, was firmly declined.
The day after she moved out - my solicitor forwarded me what was a behaviour warning letter to the threats, bullying and abuse she was claiming from that car journey.
As extremely difficult as it was I coped quite well in her moving out with our son but that letter and it dreadful content actioned and approved by the person I had loved and cared just poleaxed me. 
Very few times ( thankfully ) in our lives do we go to a place beyond being cross or angry with someone else actions 
and this was a time - it was just immense crushing sense of absolute disappointment in another's actions.  

I later realised the in car dash cam had an audio facility in built to the front camera. Played it back and the whole conversation was captured with crystal clear clarity from start to finish and have it saved to memory.
The whole pack of lies in her heavy solicitiors letter was completely exposed.....  that was the first cease and desist letter fired back.

Her reaction, comunicated back in an email to me - was she was going to call the police saying I was spying on her 
to which I replied I would'nt try and waste police time ....Last weekend I find out from my son that the guy she met last November and who she's still with ........ is a policeman ! ( and Armed Response at that ... !!!! ) 

Am sure many will agree even months and months later the dots keep being joined up to the backstory

I completely agree the letters when they arrive cause great anxiety - its the shortness of 6 word sentences rattled out, full of loaded innuendo - offering nothing in evidence but being able seemingly suggest everything - when they are claim's twisted out of all proportion, it makes it so much worse to read and digest.

Still todays news is that my ex has now sacked her legal aid funded solicitor ( might suggest they may not yet have dodged a bullet  Big Grin ) as clearly outraged that she was strongly advised to surrender our sons passport to them or we would file to court for an immediate PSO. 
Needless to say despite agreeing on Monday to do this it has still not been surrendered - so another expensive battle coming up to protect my son from the what would be abuction and kidnap from his oh so caring Mother if she decides the last resort option to return to her country of birth.

Change and chaos is how she functions as nothing is ever good enough or meets her expectations so no suprise there - another solicitor has now been engaged today and they will start again with none of her history of untruths
and false claims - all previously knocked down so far at my great expense and for her paid for from the public purse - scandalous and very wrong !
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#7
Stay calm. Stay measured. It amazes me what madness those we lived can stoop to. But don’t ever go to their level.
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#8
(08-23-2018, 09:28 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: Stay calm. Stay measured. It amazes me what madness those we lived can stoop to. But don’t ever go to their level.

 "in the end you know the truth and your son will come to see it as you behave honourably and truthfully for the rest of your life with him. All we can ever hope to have is a good relationship with our children"

Thanks so much for that Tamagoto .... such simple words which will be read every day from this day on.
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#9
very true. your children will love you more if you say nothing about their mum that is mean. Where children live with mum most of the time it can hurt their feelings, confuse them and cause them to be nasty to their daddys and be loyal to mum.
When i had their mum run me down i had to be calm when our children said things that werent true and correct them
nicely. Wont go into it but mum was speaking to our 5 year old boy like an adult and discussing everything with him including court cases and much more and all the problems disappeared when contact was increased and court hearings were dealt with and by me remaining calm.
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#10
Very similar to mine Warwickshire - whilst its 4 months since I haven't had to witness it first hand always thought
it strange as to why you would talk to a 4 year old as if they were an adult - I think its stems from general insecurity
and a desire to firmly control and show who's Boss - a 4 year old in my book doesn't need that.
I know mine clearly gets fearful and anxious of him having actually having good time when with me - so it results
stooping even lower by using a child to deliver her messages of discontent with her lot and position that she herself wished for and created. Its beyond me that if your trying to suggest and demonstrate that your a fit and fair parent looking after the child's best interests - why they think it will achieve something.
Last week he said straight away "Grandma said to tell you that your a very greedy daddy" !
She'd been over for a week and speaks no English - asked if his Mum was there when she said it - Yes and helped Grandma with the translation ! ...... I would thnk of my self as many things but greedy - or anywhere near the meaning would'nt be on the list. Mind boggling isn't that innocent children are used in such a way - that innocence is not naturally lost in getting older - but through a mothers insecurity and nastiness is forced out of them.

With my boy it simply makes him closer to me as he becomes amazingly determined to reassure and protect me - this from a little lad who's not even 5 years old - its very humbling as father to watch and listen to him give me his reassurance and love when he's now picking up on his mothers recent actions and starting in his own little way of showing that he's feeling it to.
He came out of his nursery to me last week last and straight away said to me he'd saved me some malteasers - not to share but just for me ... "as you deserve them Daddy because Mummy shouts at you when you take me back"
That reasoning and kindness not only truly humbles me but this and many other things he starting to say makes me realise the bond between us is mighty powerful - and in his very early years are there and with good honest parenting as suggested above will make a father and son relationship the best that we can make it.

I remember very well a great pal of mine who has been divorced a separated from his own children - to him 5 years down the road - telling me straight away that my relationship with my son would be even stronger through separation and divorce. For a few days I kept thinking it was a strange comment and one I didn't see as I thought I had a very strong bond already from within a family unit and considered myself a great Dad.
4 months in on bad days and worse nights ( of which many ) I think back to what he said and now can have a smile.
He was so so right - through his own experience and horrible journey
In being relatively lucky in having had some reasonable access - I would if asked tell excatly the same to any father
about to experience the same.

The process of Divorce is an absolute and utterly destructive BUT if lucky to have some reasonable access with our children we can show our strength in the right way using the short but incredibly special one to one time we have - how in very simple ways we can show that we love care and protect them - and the positive loving reactions they give back to us are just priceless - even very young children know exactly what they are doing when trying to show in little ways they really do love us when they pick up that their loyalties are being deliberately manipulated.

I try and use these little rays of sunshine and the wise words given by so many on this site as the start of rebuilding
my own life with my son.
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