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Worried sick
#1
Hi next week I will become a separated dad when my partner gets the keys to her flat, we've been together 18 years  and had a son 10 years ago I was 50 when he was born, I told here I was to old to start a family but she said "it will be fine" well I can assure you I don't feel fine now been getting about 2 hours sleep a night for the last few months, I don't know how I am going to get through this  at 60 years old, tried to get her to stay but she says "I don't love you any more, I'm leaving" I have never felt stress and worry like this ever before I dread being left in the house when they are gone , going from seeing him every night to maybe on day at the weekend and maybe another guy taking my place is breaking my heart, the thought of trying to start again fills me with dread
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#2
(08-24-2018, 09:36 AM)Jon1959 Wrote: going from seeing him every night to maybe on day at the weekend

I feel you so much on this my friend. Its such a horrendous feeling to have your full time fatherhood taken from you and you are powerless. I'm in the same boat. My wife forced me out of our house and now I only see my daughter 1 day a week on the weekend, and 1 evening a week for 2 hours.

Its such a terrible thing to have to do but I've found myself just trying to not thing about my daughter when she isn't with me. I used to love thinking about her all the time; at work, or just out and about in general, looking at photos of her on my phone etc. But I cant do that now because it makes me too sad. Its probably the toughest challenge of my life.

All I can say is hang on in there and just try and make the time you spend with your son special. He will be looking forward to spending his time with you as much as you with him. Surely he can stay the night and the pair of you can still have great times together.
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#3
(08-24-2018, 09:36 AM)Jon1959 Wrote: Hi next week I will become a separated dad when my partner gets the keys to her flat, we've been together 18 years  and had a son 10 years ago I was 50 when he was born, I told here I was to old to start a family but she said "it will be fine" well I can assure you I don't feel fine now been getting about 2 hours sleep a night for the last few months, I don't know how I am going to get through this  at 60 years old, tried to get her to stay but she says "I don't love you any more, I'm leaving" I have never felt stress and worry like this ever before I dread being left in the house when they are gone , going from seeing him every night to maybe on day at the weekend and maybe another guy taking my place is breaking my heart, the thought of trying to start again fills me with dread

Hi Jon,

Your in the same boat as many on here, keep your chin up please.
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#4
(08-24-2018, 09:36 AM)Jon1959 Wrote: Hi next week I will become a separated dad when my partner gets the keys to her flat, we've been together 18 years  and had a son 10 years ago I was 50 when he was born, I told here I was to old to start a family but she said "it will be fine" well I can assure you I don't feel fine now been getting about 2 hours sleep a night for the last few months, I don't know how I am going to get through this  at 60 years old, tried to get her to stay but she says "I don't love you any more, I'm leaving" I have never felt stress and worry like this ever before I dread being left in the house when they are gone , going from seeing him every night to maybe on day at the weekend and maybe another guy taking my place is breaking my heart, the thought of trying to start again fills me with dread

Hi Jon. I am a few years older than you. It's like the movie Zulu. All those dead bodies at the start is what it feels like. But then you make a wall out of mealy bags and start to fight back. It feels like there's bloody thousands of them and they're just going to keep on coming and there's nothing on earth to stop 'em. You want to lay down and cry but there's a voice inside you that tells you to stand up and return disciplined fire. And the thing about returning fire is they might have this massive advantage at first but it's like Corporal Jones says if you fight back they don't like it up 'em. Don't beg for mercy because all you'll get is skewered. Start by looking up doing a 180 on google and take it from there. Tell her you've been thinking about it and actually her leaving is the best idea she's had for months. It sounds counter intuitive but read up about the 180 and you'll see the logic. Good luck mate.
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#5
I’ve heard separation from a child described as a “living bereavement”. I’m sure at 60 you’re no stranger to bereavement. But to be positive, even if your relationship has ended, your son still has a right to know you and for you to be involved in his life. Please take some comfort from knowing this.
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#6
How you doing Jon?
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#7
Hi John,

I have just read your thead and I could not let it pass without write you a few words.

Firslty, not to mention, that I am very sorry for your experience. Is not pleasent and certanly terribly extressing.

I just wanted to let you know that I separated April last year. I was lost, did not know what to do with myself and had some horrible thoughts. My family and specially one of my sisters insisted me going to see the doctor. i was like you, two hours sleep if. It was horrible, I could not think nothing else.

GP saw me and I do not know what I could look like but without saying much and literally in two minutes, he signed me off work for stress. What I thought it was going to be a week end up being 2 months signed off. He gave me some tablets to help me sleep. (I am against tablets, let me say). But this was like a shut down to the system, just taken half hour before to go to bed. only a few pilds for a week. It really worked for me to make the body go back to normal. It needed reseting.

In addition, and this is what I wanted to tell you, there a website that you can auto-refer yourself without the need for the GP to refer you. This are courses to help you understand the emotions we are going thru and how to deal with them. It seems a bit silly but it really helped me in open my eyes to certain things and helped me a big deal to move on.

I live in Hampshire, and I believe the website (provider) might change between counties, but here i leave you the link the one I attended. If your are not on this area search for the one in yours.
I hope this helps you and I wish you all the very best and that you soon are back into being you and start a new brighter futher.

https://www.italk.org.uk/

best wishes
John
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#8
Hi
     Thanks guys for the reply, I never thought it was possible to feel so bad  John Green yes I think a visit to the doctor is needed need something to shut down the constant worry there is no escape from it  that's been a few months now, and I can see no end to it
funny how your life can crash
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#9
(08-26-2018, 06:27 AM)Jon1959 Wrote: Hi
     Thanks guys for the reply, I never thought it was possible to feel so bad  John Green yes I think a visit to the doctor is needed need something to shut down the constant worry there is no escape from it  that's been a few months now, and I can see no end to it
funny how your life can crash

No worries John, we just want you well and that things gets better. 

One piece of advise. Do not tell  her that you are feeling that way, that you went to the doctor or you are attending any courses for stress. This was used against me at court, claiming that clearly I was not well and needed medical help. I ended up requesting two letters to the GP, stating I was cleared of stress (that she created) as this was requested by her lawyers at court. Each letter cost me 20 pounds. So, advise is, the less she knows about how are you feeling and what are your actions the better.
Again, concentrate and talk about your child's arrangements. Nothing else.
Best of luck my friend.

(08-26-2018, 09:05 AM)JohnGreen Wrote:
(08-26-2018, 06:27 AM)Jon1959 Wrote: Hi
     Thanks guys for the reply, I never thought it was possible to feel so bad  John Green yes I think a visit to the doctor is needed need something to shut down the constant worry there is no escape from it  that's been a few months now, and I can see no end to it
funny how your life can crash

No worries John, we just want you well and that things gets better. 

One piece of advise. Do not tell  her that you are feeling that way, that you went to the doctor or you are attending any courses for stress. This was used against me at court, claiming that clearly I was not well and needed medical help. I ended up requesting two letters to the GP, stating I was cleared of stress (that she created) as this was requested by her lawyers at court. Each letter cost me 20 pounds. So, advise is, the less she knows about how are you feeling and what are your actions the better.
Again, concentrate and talk about your child's arrangements. Nothing else.
Best of luck my friend.
and yes, I am glad you are considering visiting your GP. Get well soon.
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#10
"the thought of trying to start again fills me with dread" - Jon, a thought - why do you feel you need to "start again"? If you're shot of a woman who doesn't love you, you're shot of a burden. This is an opportunity for you to remake your life your own, on your terms only. And not to forget that your son, seeing his dad flourishing and happy on his own rather than shackled and miserable in a stale relationship, will see a fantastic role model.

It's all about perspective. What's happened to you must hurt like hell, but you can choose not to suffer. You can choose to use it as an opportunity.
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