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I want to leave but need some advice
#1
Thanks to anyone who has responded previously on here, this site really is such a great support.

In brief I have been in a loveless marriage for about 5 years. I've tried and 'hung in there' hoping things will change but they haven't. She has said many times she doesn't want a physical relationship ever again. It's not just this we argue about money all the time, she thinks I nag about it but it's with good reason as we're thousands in debt but this doesn't seem to register with her. She's also always been negative and never sees any positives and just belittles everything about me. One example saying everything is my fault as I don't earn enough money. My wage isn't too bad it's more the fact she refuses to work more than 2/3 days a week (even now all the kids are school age). She was the one who said she was unhappy originally which started with rejecting me and then saying the usual like we have nothing in common, I'm basically stupid, an embarrassment etc but despite all this I stayed as it killed me thinking of living without the kids.

I have now come to a place where I want to leave and I have told her this. The problem is she won't play ball at all and says this is now my decision despite the obvious that she is also unhappy so feels like I will be made out to the bad guy. She said a few weeks ago she won't discuss anything until after the school holidays. Well we are there now so I will need to bring it up again (it would be swept under the carpet again if I don't).

So there's 3 kids to consider, mortgage is joint and some debts. I wanted to do counselling years ago and have suggested it many times but she refused.

In summary I am now in a place I want to move on but the challenge is despite her not loving me she is unlikely to cooperate. I know others have said don't move out until you have an agreement in place but how do you do this unless they play ball?

I would say we need mediation and sort it out like grown ups but I know it won't be that simple. She previously also said she may move 2 hours away near her mm so the kids would be ripped out of school which I think is selfish. I have said she can stay in the house and I would pay half the mortgage and be around to help with the kids.

Further advice needed please.

Thanks
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#2
Are you planning on moving out?

Can you afford to move out and still pay half the mortgage on the family home?

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Everything you wrote suggests she has very little respect for you. I'd be out of there too.

Plenty of other women out there that will give you a physical relationship and refrain from the emotional bullying....
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#3
I will have to stay with my parents for a few months but after that yes I should just be able to afford to pay half the mortgage and also have some sort of life. Worst case scenario I work a couple of evenings behind a bar, not ideal but still better than what I have now. It's a worry if we did sell the house she'd probably be off and then the kids are 2 hours away.

Really hard to leave the kids (which is why I've stayed) but I know this is the right thing to do now. I'll be a better more positive person for the kids out of this environment.

I just wish she'd agree and then we could both make the best out of the situation and work out the best plan going forward.
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#4
my situation is a bit different because my wife actually forced me out of our house.....

but have you considered just doing that to yourself?

force yourself out.....just go and stay with your parents....when you actually do that it will be clear that it is something she has to address seriously..

it sounds like she might struggle with bills, mortgage, CT etc if she's only working part time...
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#5
I have considered just going but lots of people say don't do this until you have formalised access etc

Do you think I'm crazy to leave when she's not asking me to? I've just been unhappy for so long, wanted to fix it a while back but now it feels like it's gone too far and I now don't want to fix it. I really want her to say she doesn't love me now so it's just all out in the open as it would be easier.

She's had plenty of time to say she loves me and wants me so the silence speaks volumes. She only wants me to stay because she'll miss the traditions like holidays with certain friends etc never anything about us
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#6
"She has said many times she doesn't want a physical relationship ever again"

"never sees any positives and just belittles everything about me"

"saying everything is my fault as I don't earn enough money"

"She was the one who said she was unhappy originally which started with rejecting me"

"saying the usual like we have nothing in common, I'm basically stupid, an embarrassment etc"

"I wanted to do counselling years ago and have suggested it many times but she refused"


It seems to me like you've tried to save the relationship and she's just been pretty nasty. Also if you are both unhappy and she won't go to counselling then you either just trod on remaining unhappy or you do something about it. I wouldn't be surprised if your kids are picking up on the atmosphere between you both too which can't be good.

I can't really advise on the whole don't leave until you've formalised access thing. I didn't have that option. But surely if you say you left because you felt the interaction between you both was having a negative effect on the kids it can't be viewed as you just walking out. Especially if you are still paying mortgage and seeing the kids etc...

but like i said...i don't really know about this....

Either way, it seems like you've made your mind up. You just have to be strong and put it into actions.
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#7
Ask her straight... Do you love me? Do you trust me?
With what you have said... the respect has already gone.
That will probably firm up your tricky decisions.

Flick the switch and do what you have to do.
We only have one life. Choose to live it now.

Your children will grow older and mature.
That's the toughest dilemma of all.

Don't kid yourself... they know something is wrong.
Be careful, fight for them all the way.
Ensure everything you do is in their best interests.

Good luck sir, it's a bumpy ride through a very dark place.
Be optimistic, focus on the positive, be prepared. 

You already know where your current journey takes you.
Be strong, clear and well considered.
All the best
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#8
Some great replies, thanks again it really does help me see things with better perspective.

Now the kids are back at school I will raise the subject again over the next couple of days. I know I can get through this and can see a much better place once it all settles down. A new life with the kids still being the centre but the difference being a much better me.
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#9
Paul thats exactly it . . Its better for your kids to see a stronger, happier you . . Its not good if you are miserable and being made to feel that way . .

I think most of the blokes on here have wanted to rescue everything initially . . . But if its broken its broken . . It takes two to mend it . .
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#10
(09-03-2018, 07:43 PM)Living Bate Wrote: Paul thats exactly it . . Its better for your kids to see a stronger, happier you . . Its not good if you are miserable and being made to feel that way . .

I think most of the blokes on here have wanted to rescue everything initially . . . But if its broken its broken . . It takes two to mend it . .

Such a valid point.  You can't be expected to fix a relationship on your own.
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