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Why women divorce men
#1
I found this on line 
This is how my marriage ended watch out guys if youre at any of the early stages of this cycle

Women's relationships today follow
a very predictable pattern:
  • They push men for commitment
  • They get what they want
  • They lose interest in sex
  • They become attracted to someone else
  • They start cheating
  • They become angry and resentful
  • They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
  • They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after a long time of vacillating back and forth and sevaral failed attempts to give up their affairs, 
  • They end their relationships or marriages.          
 
If you're a man, like most men, you would probably never suspect that your wife is cheating, (at least not physically cheating) not only because of your wife's seeming disinterest in sex; but also because they have the belief that your wife is a "good girl."  Unfortunately, men are frequently left/divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives' affairs and infidelities.
 
If you're a woman, like most women, prior to cheating on your husband, you always proclaimed yourself to be "not the type" who would ever cheat. However, also like most women, after they've cheated, you're shocked and appalled by your behavior; but at the same time, you can't stop cheating
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#2
Meh. Maybe.

I think it’s more likely that people change over time, decide they want something else and get stuck in a position where society expects them to be happy with the same old forever .....
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#3
I guess mine was whimsical.  She never wanted kids..then she suddenly did.  That locked us together for a certain number of years.  Plus, she was always dependent on somebody if she wasn't travelling or living somewhere for peanuts, like Mexico or on Kibbutz; mainly her mum, and then me.  So she didn't really have the option to just walk out.  My belief is that meeting somebody who she was seriously attracted to, coupled with many months of illness and feeling rubbish about herself, plus growing apart from me with new interests... I think it all came together at some point this Spring and put her on a path she couldn't turn back from.  According to her family,  as recently as late February she was planning a surprise wedding for us at Xmas.  Whimsical, as I say.

Rather than believing she was a "good girl", I did always believe that she was deeply loyal (and she was for the first 13 years, as far as I know) and that our sense of duty and commitment to the children would keep us together during the flat times that are inevitable when you have young kids.
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#4
This cuts both ways.  I wasn't getting my needs (sex, emotional support, love etc) met in my marriage and my wife was totally disinterested in any sort of conversation about that, so I basically created an entire double life to compensate.  The thing that shocked me most was how unaware she was of what I was up to until I told her I was leaving.  For at least a year beforehand I'd been really blatant.

TBH if she hadn't turned physically abusive then I'd probably still be at it.

The dynamic that underlies this is the pursuer-distancer dynamic (otherwise known as anxious -> avoidant).  The anxiously attached partner (more often the woman, but it was me in this case) keeps trying to get their needs met, and the avoidant partner pushes away the more they do it.  Eventually the anxious partner gets overwhelmed and quits, often via an affair or two.

A lot of men (and some women) have a tendency to mentally 'tick the box' once they're in a committed relationship and just assume things will tick along healthily. They become more and more settled, and less and less likely to see that their partner is unhappy.  

Sadly by the time an anxiously-attached partner has had enough and says they want out, they have probably already been trying to fix it for a long time and are totally worn out.  It's over.

A word of warning to the OP - if you see the failure of your marriage as mainly your ex's fault, you will almost certainly repeat the same mistakes in a future relationship.  I was a shitty husband, even though my ex was emotionally and physically abusive, there is plenty of stuff I did that I'm trying my best to do differently this time around.
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#5
(09-07-2018, 11:53 AM)marwood Wrote: A word of warning to the OP - if you see the failure of your marriage as mainly your ex's fault, you will almost certainly repeat the same mistakes in a future relationship.  I was a shitty husband, even though my ex was emotionally and physically abusive, there is plenty of stuff I did that I'm trying my best to do differently this time around.

True - my wife had an affair for eight years and proclaims to this day it was her fault and I was the perfect husband, that she was needy for attention. In reality I spent too much time working and with my daughter and neglected some of her needs. It doesn't excuse what she did, but I know I had a small part to play in the cause of what she did...
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#6
Interesting replies and very true Of course I was part of the problem in not fulfilling stbx needs.

I am unsure that she has had any extramarital stuff going on and I cant figure out what created the hatred she showed me and why she told lies to get me locked up with malicious allegations.
One thing I do know is I will never live with that woman again I have learned the lesson and now find my peace alone.

No excuses for domestic abuse
I have prostate cancer (no symptoms so not ED that caused her to stray) and she stopped me from showering and hour before an appointment and told me to hose myself down like an animal-nice woman-good luck to her next fella
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#7
I think some of the points are pretty fair, although in my case i think it was different.

Only a year before i met my wife her sister had twins from a short lived relationship. She found out shortly after that the bloke was a registered sex offender. He'd done some pretty foul stuff - drugging women, cutting their hair and allsorts. They obviously split up. She grew a funny attitude to men and has been yapping in my wifes ear from the beginning. She is always first port of call.

Also one of the few friends my wife was seeing regularly was with a girl who married and had kids with an idiot. He was a propper 'lad' showed little interest in the kids and didnt want them to impose on his life. They split up. She was second port of call.

Add that to suddenly stopping long term mind altering medication. . .

I had to come off Facebook because i was sick of seeing shit like . .

#solomun
#strongwomen
#independentmum

Its bullshit. . .
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#8
For those of us that didn't want our relationships to end, or that were cheated on, sure - you have to look at yourself and say you were part of a relationship that went wrong and carry some blame.  But there's a concept of personal responsibility in a romantic relationship.  "Romance is for adults" (see Nathaniel Brandon).    There are grown-up ways to deal with problems in a relationship.
If you're not getting what you want out of a relationship you can talk to you partner.  Get the timing and the message right and make sure they've heard you and understood.  Then it's up to them if they want to work to fix things.  Or you can just decide that you don't want to fix it and simply move on.  But what happens so often is that one party has their head turned by a love interest and they have an affair.  Most of us would argue that this is the wrong way to go about things, and if you're on the wrong end of this situation you think it's the end of your world.  My ex says the affair "just happened", and that she had restless for years.  I'm sure there's some truth in this.  But she actively pursued the affair - the guy lives 2 hours away FFS.  And she met him 2 months before we split up.  Plus she still lives in my house (can't boot her out) and was sleeping in my bed until I found out about the affair just 6-7 weeks ago.

In my case, we have 3 young kids, a house, a life, hundreds of mutual friends, hundreds of common interests and a deep friendship.  She didn't think of any of it.  She cheated when she was much younger and she did the same again.  But when you're young, you hurt your partner and some friends perhaps.  When you're a family, you hurt dozens of people.  Both of our families, our kids, loads of our friends.  My family won't see her.  My friends - those that were mine before we got together - have fiercely taken my side even though I've asked them not to.  

So, sure, our relationship had faults and both of us were missing things we needed, both were neglecting certain needs for our partners.  But she acted on it in the most painful way and without considering the damage she'd do to the kids and our life... and friendship.  I always just wanted us to be closer and to improve our relationship.
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#9
The pain she is suffering now is I am sure far worse than the pain that was in her mind whilst I was with her.
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#10
(09-08-2018, 10:55 AM)ohitsonlyme Wrote: The pain she is suffering now is I am sure far worse than the pain that was in her mind whilst I was with her.

I have to agree.  Mine won't know what's hit her once she goes it alone, but I hope she manages. It'll be really good for her.  Ultimately, I won't give a flying f++k what she does, as long as the kids are ok.  I'll move on and be happier.  I look back at my relationship and still can't believe it went wrong.  But I can tell myself now that we were nothing special.  Just one of millions of couples that split up.
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