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What now fresh seperation
#1
Hello everyone.

As you will all be aware and have been through this fragile period,please forgive my emotions if they spill out on to the page.

My partner ( not married ) of 10 yrs has just today left our old home and taken the children away,between us we have F15, M14,M6 and F4.
The eldest 2 are from her previous marriage but i have brought them up as my own and treated them that way from day 1.
We separated from each other in Feb this year after she asked me to leave after a prolonged period of falling out over money,never any physical violence but raised voices from both in front of the kids.

My ex believed some strange things and began making odd statements regarding spy cameras in the solar panels on the house roof and more weird accusations regarding monies,bank accounts,cashed in pensions..... all totally unfounded,and making me aware of a mental health issue she was developing.

I slept in my van for a few weeks in Feb until i got a nice place sorted out where i could continue to have my 2 kids at the week ends.

I would take them to school everyday or pick them up  (depending on my shifts) and have them all week end,this was fine with ex.

Me an ex still had a sexual relationship from time to time,Not the right thing,but we actually got on really really well after separation,we began to talk more,laugh again,even declaring that we did in fact still love each other... however.

My ex has had lots of trouble with HMRC and tax credits and was constantly going over bundles of paperwork from years back when we claimed together as i worked self employed and with low earnings we qualified for rent,WTC,CTB.

She found herself in turmoil over the whole WTC situation that i kept getting blamed for all this mess.
She didn't like the house she was living in and was having problems removing my name from the joint tenancy,battling with the landlord as well.

This came to a head around the time just before the kids were breaking up for summer holidays,she had to attend a meeting with her TAF worker and school head regarding attendance record of the kids,which was poor to be fair.

She came from that meeting and told me that the kids wouldnt be going back that school !
We had a good summer,mostly together at our caravan.Still in a sexual relationship and quite fond of making a fresh go of things.
Had a great weekend away all 4 of us,eldest stayed at home,bought kids school uniforms for her and a new set of tires on the car i tax,insure and maintain for hers and the kids use.
She never sent the kids to school on the Monday,they rang me asking where are they,i didnt have any answers for them.
i called her to tell her,then after work called in to see her if everything ok,i could see she had been going through this mass of papers all covered in highlighter on the computer desk,warning signs of impending dip in mental state.I had been asked by the police if she had mental health issues as she had taken a fan uv sensor to the police station to report me for installing a camera in the ceiling fan ! he mentioned the state of the papers in no order as a sign of a problem.I could go on more about this but wont here.
Tuesday 2 welfare officers go to ex house and see her and all kids off school,she obviously got a ticking off.
Tuesday night came to my flat with the kids stayed had ice cream and a chat,seemed up beat so i asked if she had sorted the school places out.... no was the answer as she couldn't get any of the 4 pc,s in her house to work.
I got upset by this as she was going to get herself into trouble and more importantly the kids are missing out on their schooling.
She left with the kids.I didnt make any contact with her at all until Friday after id picked up the eldest 2 from school,i was waiting to get the 2 little ones for their usual stay over but she didnt arrive home,she rang abd told the eldest to get changed as they were going away for a while to sort her head out.Eldest lad said no he was staying with me,eldest girl got picked up,Saturday morning rang house she was back and the kids were screaming in the back ground,she sounded very subdued,i asked if they were ok she said fine,i asked if i could speak to them she said they are not to fussed and put the phone down !

She left again and would not answer any of my calls,on Monday night she arrived back at her home with the 3 kids as i was there feeding the cats she left.We chatted and she said she had been in a hotel near the midlands and the social workers had paid for all of it,food,fuel.
The kids were absolutely made up to be with me after 6 days they wanted to go to my house and started to fret a lot when i said id have to go home for bed.

I took the both up to bed and slept next to them,ex got in bed and initiated sexual activity( strange ) away from were the sleeping kids where.
I told her we could repair our relationship as we were not that far from being back to how we used to be.
In the morning i got the eldest up for school,went to work.I rang her at 10 and she was crying and saying sorry,ive got to do this,ive got to go away again to sort herself out,i pleaded with her to stay to chat things over later so we could sort out how id see the kids.

She left with the social workers,placed a note on the table saying Sorry i love you i will come back i need to do this so i can love you again.

Her eldest son left me a note and it broke my heart to read it...... it was clear he didnt want to go and the social workers made him against his will,he stated for the first time as a teenage lad that he loves me and he wants to stay with me.

Later tonight a get a phone call from the eldest lad,in tears,in a hostal for DV in Yorkshire,she has hit him ( always beating him up on the sly) he wants to give me the address so i can get him and bring him home,Mum said we are never going back ever.He is distraught,i ask about the little ones they are asleep on a couch and having been asking where is Dad.Mum has been telling them to shut up about your Dad hes gone.

Mum said to eldest we will be rich when all this is over ! she has been told that by a friend of ours if she was to report DV she will have all her debts gone,housing arrears wiped... gets a new house where ever she wants all furniture car... blah blah blah

Theres never been any DV in our house,she admitted that to a friend last week,said im a good father,i am.
Dont drink,smoke,take any drugs,just work for them kids and provide holidays trips out all the time,spend great quality time around them all.

How can she lie like that and have our kids miss out on their Dad who ive spent vast amounts of time with and just cut them off like that for money ? They will be suffering,i know they already are from the phone call.

Where do i go from here..... long winded,but believe me thats only half of whats gone on with her mental state,how would she look in front of a judge if i reveal she has been dealing class A drugs from her house just this last week.

Any advise would help right now. TIA
Forgot to add that she has done this same thing with her ex husband,but they did have a violent relationship,both as bad as each other,apparently in front of her 2 eldest.
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#2
Sounds like she’s having a breakdown and that she’s got some long term underlying mental problems to me. With that in mind I suggest we all go softly with our advice here.

So - very first thing. What do you want to do with the relationship? Because to be blunt if you’re still at it, then it makes it a bit unclear!

Also clear you have good relations with your step kids - but also assuming you never adopted them so you have no legal say over what they do, although considering their age it would be near impossible for your partner to stop them being in your life.

As for dealing - that’s not a thing to hold over her as a stick, that’s something she just shouldn’t be doing. I’m not sure why to do with it but I know how much if a risk that is to the kids. Does she use as well as deal? Another mental health stressor.
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#3
If you treat 14 year old lad as your own. you could if he requested it and dont want to be with his mum is allow him to live at yours. Where he is 14 they would have to listen to his views and your ex partner is also building up a paper - trail of many many problems and concerns which are getting worse by day. If there is no child arrangements order there is nothing to stop you getting both your children as well. At the moment she is thinking of only herself and not been child focused. School already know this due to poor attendance record. Everything that goes wrong in her life she seems to take no responsibility other than blame yourself. From what you wrote you are best not getting involved relationship wise again and just focus on children.

I guess 15 year old daughter wishes to remain with her mum unless i am mistaken
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#4
(09-12-2018, 04:09 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Sounds like she’s having a breakdown and that she’s got some long term underlying mental problems to me. With that in mind I suggest we all go softly with our advice here.

So - very first thing. What do you want to do with the relationship? Because to be blunt if you’re still at it, then it makes it a bit unclear!

Also clear you have good relations with your step kids - but also assuming you never adopted them so you have no legal say over what they do, although considering their age it would be near impossible for your partner to stop them being in your life.

As for dealing - that’s not a thing to hold over her as a stick, that’s something she just shouldn’t be doing. I’m not sure why to do with it but I know how much if a risk that is to the kids. Does she use as well as deal? Another mental health stressor.

Thanks for your reply.

Yes she has had a breakdown and she has been on medication for it,not always taking it or taking and drinking.

To be honest with the relationship we had,it really improved when we were not living under the same roof,we split because of her thinking i was controlling every thing .... now there is being in control of finance ie bills,car insurance water rate etc, and then there is being controlling two completely different things.Id change car insurance,utilities providers,internet providers for cheaper deals.... she saw these as controlling.We were both happy with our relationship,yet financially we couldn't live together,she wouldnt get "her money" from the benefits agency,she was applying for PIP at a higher rate.so that stopped us really get back together.

I have a great relationship with the step kids ( never called them that before ) the eldest lad wants to be with me,and i would take him in an instant,we have had our fall outs but hes growing up and wants to be around me and not his mum,she has beaten him a lot in the past,i should have reported here years ago but then she would have kicked me out and stopped me seeing the kids a lot sooner.

She knows that dealing posses a risk to her kids if she got caught potentially she could go to jail ! Yeah she used drugs aswell pretty much all the time and would drink,staying up for night on end,the house was a complete tip,washing all over place.food scattered on the floor,i cant see how the social service who were involved with her for over 2 years didnt say anything about it.
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#5
OK man you're going to have to step up here and do what's best for all 4 of your kids. It's not leaving them where they are because they will just end up following her path.

She shouldn't ever be using or dealing when she has kids in the house. Full stop. I know what edgy bastards you get coming buying, and worse the dealer one step up who'll knee cap you soon as look at you or threaten your kids.

You can't stand silent whilst all 4 kids are not getting the nutrition, love & attention, safety and education that they MUST get if they are going to get out of the situation their mum is in.

1) stop banging her, seriously. It's making things a lot worse.
2) detail ALL of your concerns, including the dealing, to social services. Ring them or write to them every damned day until they start listening. Say you have the kids wellbeing at heart and are very concerned about their attendance at school.
3) Propose something that means the kids can get what they need (nutrition, love & attention, safety and education), even if it means they are in your care more. Send that to SS and consider doing a mediation session with her to see what you can do.

She has serious mental issues about trust and conspiracies because, and I'm just judging from a keyboard here so pinch of salt, she has serious substance miss use problems, she's not eating or sleeping properly, she has no routine or safety in her own life.

She might love all 4 kids but she is totally fucking them up. You can stop that - that's what I'm saying you need to step up and be the man, the father, they need.
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#6
(09-12-2018, 07:57 AM)warwickshire1 Wrote: If you treat 14 year old lad as your own. you could if he requested it and dont want to be with his mum is allow him to live at yours. Where he is 14 they would have to listen to his views and your ex partner is also building up a paper - trail of many many problems and concerns which are getting worse by day. If there is no child arrangements order there is nothing to stop you getting both your children as well. At the moment she is thinking of only herself and not been child focused. School already know this due to poor attendance record. Everything that goes wrong in her life she seems to take no responsibility other than blame yourself. From what you wrote you are best not getting involved relationship wise again and just focus on children.

I guess 15 year old daughter wishes to remain with her mum unless i am mistaken

Yes i do treat them all the same,the lad wants nothing to do with her and is desperate to come and live with me,she has told him today that no one is coming for him so start preying ! what a horrid thing to say to him.

I am no longer worried about her response if i blow everything out of the water now,before i was reluctant to speak up about her behavior in fear she would stop me from seeing my children,well now she has already done that so she no longer holds the cards and has nothing over me.
i will concentrate on gaining and retaining access with my children .
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#7
i would make it known to the oldest boy he can live with you if he chooses. You could say you know where i am etc . If he turns up at yours there is nothing she can do, then you go to court to get access to the 2 younger ones
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#8
OK - not an easy situation for you.

Social services wont have said anything previously because they didn't know about the drugs and to be honest are too strapped for cash and resources to care.

The drinking, drugs, paranoid behaviour and child-beating are linked. Be wary as she could argue (and is arguing) that the drinking and drugs, and her erratic behaviour are a result of domestic abuse and domestic violence from you, she could cite your controlling behaviour as the reason for her drinking and drugs, and her mental health problems. You have two directions to go in, either try and save it with her or leave and either way, protect the children.

If you want to separate you need to get social services and mental health services involved asking for a full review, explain that you didn't leave previously because you wanted to protect the kids. Get as much evidence together now to demonstrate that you are/were managing finances, not controlling them, dig out old texts, emails, letters, notes on the PC(s) that help that argument. If you can (and it isn't easy) get the other evidence together to prove you are a good dad etc. Talk about the drugs and your previous desire to save it, there is enough evidence to back you up. Offer to go for any testing or assessments necessary. There is a process for them to follow when it comes to children, violence and drugs, just get your evidence together as best you can.

BUT If she has some deluded pipedream about money, houses and the such like linked to allegations of DV then be prepared for her to lie and make up some crazy stuff to try and justify her pipedream.

If you continue to live with her then there is a lot of work to do on both sides, dealing drugs with kids in the house isn't cool so you really need to ask yourself if she is a decent long term bet. Could you suggest a flip, where she lives in the cheap rented place and you live in the house so you can sort stuff and provide a home for them, and she is the visitor? Could you suggest you live with your two kids to make things easier for her? Maybe could you involve a charity that specialises in supporting people through complex cases like this?

This reminds me of my mum who smoked a lot of pot, was paranoid and couldn't keep any friendships or relationships going. At one point I had to get her committed to mental hospital because she was so crazy she left my younger brother home alone at age 14 with no food or money for three days over Christmas...

Good luck!
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