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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#91
(09-24-2018, 01:07 PM)Living Bate Wrote:  ... Thats on top of a text a few days ago of her accusing me of putting spiders in our daughters bedroom...

That's barmy.

(09-24-2018, 11:41 AM)DanDad Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 08:59 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: p.s. It's difficult right now.  I've come a long way and have been strong.  I feel great.  But she moved out at the weekend and due to the fact that we can't just have an instant clean break, she's coming and going from the house for at least the next few weeks.  That makes me feel like the one left behind, which is tough.  Tougher than I thought.  A lot of the pain and the jealousy is back.

It's a strange one. After the revelations I had over the weekend I thought I'd be feeling a sense of relief today but in fact, sadness has come back & hit me quite hard.

I'm not sure what it is, perhaps it's because things are actually becoming real now, decisions have been made & there's a sense of it all becoming final in the air. I guess with all of the emotions over the last 3 months or so it's felt more like a battle than anything else & all time it was being fought, the actual sense of what's going to end up being wasn't always at the front of my mind. 9 times out of 10, when sadness got me, we'd have a blazing row & anger would replace that feeling & suppress it.

We even discussed getting some of the decorating finished (we pretty much have all of the paint & materials bought anyway) to make things look more attractive to potential buyers. For those moments, it felt like us being a team again & all the shit stuff kinda disappeared. The emotional roller coaster continues!

The thing I found is there seem to be 2 sets of emotions around this business. There's a set that can be grouped as 'sad' - eg. loss regret - and a set that can be grouped as 'angry' - eg. blaming self-righteousness. For me 'sad' was more painful but seemed more true to what I really felt and the facts of the situation. Anger seemed to provide momentum and is less painful but it didn't seem so 'true'. I have since read that anger is a so-called secondary emotion meaning you feel something painful first but anger steps in and covers it up. From your experience and mine that seems to be correct.
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#92
(09-24-2018, 02:08 PM)Jim Wrote: Anger seemed to provide momentum and is less painful but it didn't seem so 'true'. I have since read that anger is a so-called secondary emotion meaning you feel something painful first but anger steps in and covers it up. From your experience and mine that seems to be correct.

I does act as a good cover up when anger grips you. Some of my best thinking & looking positive have been done at the times I hated her in my head.
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#93
(09-24-2018, 01:23 PM)Jim Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 11:38 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Hi Jim,

She's an odd one.  She'll come across to many people as a mature, well-rounded individual but she's anything but ...
... The last I heard of this guy, she told me he turned out to be a prick.  

That comes across in the things you've written. He sounds like a predator not jut a prick. She's acting like a love struck teenager.

Spot on.  That's exactly how she's behaving and anybody close to her - her sister, my mum, her best friend - all say the same. Her best friend said to me just a week ago "... she says she loves the 'honeymoon feeling'."  Her sister said that she admitted to her that she "...loves that 'new relationship feeling'."  The problems is, as we all know, that it just doesn't last.  Ok, some might argue that we aren't meant to stay with the same partner for life, but relationships still follow a path and have stages.  The honeymoon period is one stage but it can't last.  We all remember it from being youngsters trying to learn about relationships. It always ended and the relationship normally did too.

In my mind, she might have felt disillusioned with parental life.  We all do (or did) at times.  But she met someone who she fancied by chance and, like the promiscuous attention-seeking teenager she was once, she just went for it.  Along the way, she dumped me and got things straight in her own mind so that she was blameless.

Predator you say?  Well she met him at a business launch event so I'd agree with you.  Just the sort of place to pick up a partner for an affair.  He knew she had a family and a partner.  

The sad thing is that she might... just might wake up from this in future.  But the damage she's done to me, the kids, our families and friends is huge.  I find myself constantly sticking up for her, would you believe, because most of my friends, who know the sort of partner I was to her and the sort of dad I am... the sort of man I am, are completely disgusted with her.
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#94
(09-24-2018, 02:26 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 01:23 PM)Jim Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 11:38 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Hi Jim,

She's an odd one.  She'll come across to many people as a mature, well-rounded individual but she's anything but ...
... The last I heard of this guy, she told me he turned out to be a prick.  

That comes across in the things you've written. He sounds like a predator not jut a prick. She's acting like a love struck teenager.

Spot on.  That's exactly how she's behaving and anybody close to her - her sister, my mum, her best friend - all say the same. Her best friend said to me just a week ago "... she says she loves the 'honeymoon feeling'."  Her sister said that she admitted to her that she "...loves that 'new relationship feeling'."  The problems is, as we all know, that it just doesn't last.  Ok, some might argue that we aren't meant to stay with the same partner for life, but relationships still follow a path and have stages.  The honeymoon period is one stage but it can't last.  We all remember it from being youngsters trying to learn about relationships. It always ended and the relationship normally did too.

In my mind, she might have felt disillusioned with parental life.  We all do (or did) at times.  But she met someone who she fancied by chance and, like the promiscuous attention-seeking teenager she was once, she just went for it.  Along the way, she dumped me and got things straight in her own mind so that she was blameless.

Predator you say?  Well she met him at a business launch event so I'd agree with you.  Just the sort of place to pick up a partner for an affair.  He knew she had a family and a partner.  

The sad thing is that she might... just might wake up from this in future.  But the damage she's done to me, the kids, our families and friends is huge.  I find myself constantly sticking up for her, would you believe, because most of my friends, who know the sort of partner I was to her and the sort of dad I am... the sort of man I am, are completely disgusted with her.


IMHO it's likely she WILL wake up and probably turn to you to help her through it. It's almost like you are both her husband and in a kind of parental role too.
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#95
(09-24-2018, 02:37 PM)Jim Wrote: IMHO it's likely she WILL wake up and probably turn to you to help her through it. It's almost like you are both her husband and in a kind of parental role too.


Again, I think you're spot on.  Couples, especially those lacking mental maturity, can have a sort of tacit agreement when they get together that one will play the parent and one will play the child.  In time, the child rebels against the parent and the parent resents having to do everything.  It felt as if she rebelled against me and everything I was trying to do to maintain the family.  Now she looks a bit lost.  The coming weeks will be interesting but I'll heed the advice here and try to keep her out of my life as much as possible.
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#96
(09-24-2018, 02:26 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: The sad thing is that she might... just might wake up from this in future. 

I think there is a chance mine might too. She just seems so completely disconnected and cold about the whole thing.

But i won't forget the pain she's caused me and I don't think I could ever trust her again.

Its a wrap.
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#97
(09-24-2018, 02:51 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 02:37 PM)Jim Wrote: IMHO it's likely she WILL wake up and probably turn to you to help her through it. It's almost like you are both her husband and in a kind of parental role too.


Again, I think you're spot on.  Couples, especially those lacking mental maturity, can have a sort of tacit agreement when they get together that one will play the parent and one will play the child.  In time, the child rebels against the parent and the parent resents having to do everything.  It felt as if she rebelled against me and everything I was trying to do to maintain the family.  Now she looks a bit lost.  The coming weeks will be interesting but I'll heed the advice here and try to keep her out of my life as much as possible.

You say now she looks a bit lost. That doesn't say much for the new bloke does it.
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#98
(09-24-2018, 02:55 PM)Living Bate Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 02:26 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: The sad thing is that she might... just might wake up from this in future. 

I think there is a chance mine might too. She just seems so completely disconnected and cold about the whole thing.

But i won't forget the pain she's caused me and I don't think I could ever trust her again.

Its a wrap.

Mine's down in the kitchen with the kids who she just picked up from school (the transition is going to take time and I'm WFH today).

With this thread in mind, I remembered that the woman I was chatting to was shagging another man and lying to me about it for ages and I felt the pure anger building up in me.  I've come back to the sanctuary of my laptop.
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#99
(09-24-2018, 03:06 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 02:55 PM)Living Bate Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 02:26 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: The sad thing is that she might... just might wake up from this in future. 

I think there is a chance mine might too. She just seems so completely disconnected and cold about the whole thing.

But i won't forget the pain she's caused me and I don't think I could ever trust her again.

Its a wrap.

Mine's down in the kitchen with the kids who she just picked up from school (the transition is going to take time and I'm WFH today).

With this thread in mind, I remembered that the woman I was chatting to was shagging another man and lying to me about it for ages and I felt the pure anger building up in me.  I've come back to the sanctuary of my laptop.

Woman you were talking to or silly teenager gone off the rails?
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(09-24-2018, 03:06 PM)Jim Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 02:51 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(09-24-2018, 02:37 PM)Jim Wrote: IMHO it's likely she WILL wake up and probably turn to you to help her through it. It's almost like you are both her husband and in a kind of parental role too.


Again, I think you're spot on.  Couples, especially those lacking mental maturity, can have a sort of tacit agreement when they get together that one will play the parent and one will play the child.  In time, the child rebels against the parent and the parent resents having to do everything.  It felt as if she rebelled against me and everything I was trying to do to maintain the family.  Now she looks a bit lost.  The coming weeks will be interesting but I'll heed the advice here and try to keep her out of my life as much as possible.

You say now she looks a bit lost. That doesn't say much for the new bloke does it.

He doesn't want her around.  No doubt about that at all.  I wish he did. At least it would make sense. I don't honestly know whether he's still even a thing or not.  This has gone from her wanting to be the girl she was in her 20s... free, going dancing and sleeping around... to wanting to prove that she can be independent.  Of course there could be somebody else as well now. I've suspected there might be.  But I've been confused for a while. I have no idea what she really wants.

(09-24-2018, 03:08 PM)Jim Wrote: Woman you were talking to or silly teenager gone off the rails?

Sorry. My bad.
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