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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
Hi fatcat. You wrote: "I have no idea what she really wants." It doesn't sound like she does either. In her mind are the children even entering into it or is it all about her?
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Well she seems reasonably committed to the kids now.  She has plans for them at her new place.  But this is her second night away and it's not like she's constantly calling to see how they are.  Her friend is over tonight and I imagine they're getting on the weed. It smelt of it in the flat earlier.  

Several times while we were arguing/discussing how we'd separate she said things like ..."I just want to do what's best for the children" when, for example she insisted she was staying in the house in spite of having no means to buy it or solution for splitting it.  On one occasion when she spoke of the kids,  I actually started laughing.  Then stopped without telling her why I was laughing. I didn't need to.  She knows that she didn't think of the children once in the 2 months prior to us splitting up when she was starting her affair with the guy, on whatsapp all the time and meeting him in London.  She got me to finish work early and start late so that she could stay up in London, telling me she was going dancing with a female friend she'd met on a course.  Of course it's all about her. I accept, having heard it from her, that she is utterly unable to think of consequences, but in that case she needs to grow up.  I don't believe that you should stay in a relationship for anybody's sake if you're truly unhappy, but she's said she wasn't unhappy, not realising that such a comment further reinforces the fact that is was the affair that broke us up.  Something she denies.   For the first few weeks she was more than happy to keep me onside, paying the mortage and bills and there for her when it all went to shit.  SHe thought we'd just carry on until the kids left home.  It was only when I found out about the affair that she boldly stated that living together wouldn't work (well hello!  I'd been saying it after the first week) and that we'd have to separate.  On the 3 or so occasions when it's seemed like she wanted to come back, I suspect things had gone wrong with this guy.  I think she's been totally obsessed with him.    At first it was definitely at the expense of the kids.  I think when I found out about the guy she realised I could get very nasty with her.  We aren't married and I paid for almost everything we have with money I had before we got together, so I could've left her with very little.  I think she knew this and did much to keep me on her side and to prove what a brilliant mum she was.  I don't think she was a great mum anymore I'm afraid.
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Fatcat - the similarities between your wife, mine and others here are profound. I mean its crazy the amount of self delusion, lack of consideration, and like you I've spent way too much time hand-holding to make sure she was OK like some parent, I tell myself its to make sure that she is well positioned to be a good mum. I even find myself willing her to make it work with her fancy-man, because stable for the ex also means stable for my daughter when she is visiting her.... There has to be a book in this somewhere...
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(09-25-2018, 06:19 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Fatcat - the similarities between your wife, mine and others here are profound. I mean its crazy the amount of self delusion, lack of consideration, and like you I've spent way too much time hand-holding to make sure she was OK like some parent, I tell myself its to make sure that she is well positioned to be a good mum. I even find myself willing her to make it work with her fancy-man, because stable for the ex also means stable for my daughter when she is visiting her.... There has to be a book in this somewhere...

I just read your post on that new thread and you've certainly nailed it for my situation.  I think we're all dealing with the Cougar Complex, something my counsellor described to me.  I'm doing more school runs now, of course, and I'm meeting a lot of parents - people I've known for a few years but don't see as often as she does.  I don't suppose it matters, but I still get the impression that they all think she's lost it.  I told a friend that she's opted to get a 2-bed flat, even though she could afford a house to save a bit of money and he couldn't believe it.  Understood why I was so angry.

The kids tried to facetime her before school this morning. She didn't answer.  I've asked her to take her stupid dog for a walk (he's still at my place) and haven't heard from her.  Hey ho.
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(09-24-2018, 09:05 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Well she seems reasonably committed to the kids now.  She has plans for them at her new place.  But this is her second night away and it's not like she's constantly calling to see how they are.  Her friend is over tonight and I imagine they're getting on the weed. It smelt of it in the flat earlier.  

Several times while we were arguing/discussing how we'd separate she said things like ..."I just want to do what's best for the children" when, for example she insisted she was staying in the house in spite of having no means to buy it or solution for splitting it.  On one occasion when she spoke of the kids,  I actually started laughing.  Then stopped without telling her why I was laughing. I didn't need to.  She knows that she didn't think of the children once in the 2 months prior to us splitting up when she was starting her affair with the guy, on whatsapp all the time and meeting him in London.  She got me to finish work early and start late so that she could stay up in London, telling me she was going dancing with a female friend she'd met on a course.  Of course it's all about her. I accept, having heard it from her, that she is utterly unable to think of consequences, but in that case she needs to grow up.  I don't believe that you should stay in a relationship for anybody's sake if you're truly unhappy, but she's said she wasn't unhappy, not realising that such a comment further reinforces the fact that is was the affair that broke us up.  Something she denies.   For the first few weeks she was more than happy to keep me onside, paying the mortage and bills and there for her when it all went to shit.  SHe thought we'd just carry on until the kids left home.  It was only when I found out about the affair that she boldly stated that living together wouldn't work (well hello!  I'd been saying it after the first week) and that we'd have to separate.  On the 3 or so occasions when it's seemed like she wanted to come back, I suspect things had gone wrong with this guy.  I think she's been totally obsessed with him.    At first it was definitely at the expense of the kids.  I think when I found out about the guy she realised I could get very nasty with her.  We aren't married and I paid for almost everything we have with money I had before we got together, so I could've left her with very little.  I think she knew this and did much to keep me on her side and to prove what a brilliant mum she was.  I don't think she was a great mum anymore I'm afraid.


Hi fatcat. The silly teenager stuff like the password she was using and the book about soulmates she was reading suggests it's an obsession like you say and nothing more profound. There's nothing in what you decribe that suggests she has the faintest idea what she is doing and who she is hurting. Sometimes it's like she's dug a hole and can't stop digging. So sad about the kids trying to facetime her and getting nothing.

(09-25-2018, 06:19 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Fatcat - the similarities between your wife, mine and others here are profound. I mean its crazy the amount of self delusion, lack of consideration, and like you I've spent way too much time hand-holding to make sure she was OK like some parent, I tell myself its to make sure that she is well positioned to be a good mum. I even find myself willing her to make it work with her fancy-man, because stable for the ex also means stable for my daughter when she is visiting her.... There has to be a book in this somewhere...

In other words you thought and acted with the feelings of a responsible and caring husband and father whose wife has gone off the rails into some mad adventure of her own. I don't know if there are books about it but there are definitely blogs.
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