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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#11
I am lucky (or unlucky) in that my STBXW has treated me like shit for the last 8 years - using the threat of taking the children abroad if I don't agree to her financial terms, accept her abuse, and lack of enthusiasm to do anything remotely family-like. I gave myself the mental ultimatum that if she threatened divorce again [this time it was over her unhappiness that she had to drop the kids off at school; she works 12 hours a week!], I would say ok, fine. As such, there is no emotional fog on that front. My worry is around the kids, and securing decent care time with them.

I can't wait to never have to interact with the head case.
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#12
The emotional fog, lets see, I still get sad but the fog never appeared for me. Things were getting tough at home prior to the split (two years ago next week) my ex had a dire relationship with our daughter, turns out the daughter knew of my wife's affair. When it all came out to be honest I had been planning the 'what-if' scenario at the back of my mind for over a year, so I could be focussed laser like on everyone else getting through this in one piece, including my ex.

I had a year of monastic life, at home, not dating, making sure the daughter was OK, she lives with me. Wife lives out with her fancyman. Had an emotional 'blip' near the one year point as I realised it was over, a bit sad, for a week or two. I still get a bit sad when I think of what has been lost and damaged (my 90 second rule) and have an emotional moment once or twice a week.
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#13
(09-13-2018, 08:53 AM)DanDad Wrote: Was thinking about this subject while driving to work this morning & trying to figure out what has changed my feelings towards her. It suddenly dawned on me that all this thinking about the things I can do without her & with my own place I was missing one vital component, my boys. Never in a million years did I think she'd end up a single mother & me a weekend Dad, that brought the fog back down a bit. I can't imaging the thought of not saying "morning" to my boys as they're having breakfast, "bye" to them as I leave for work, "hello" to them when I get back & doing the rest of the evening Dad things. That got me back to thinking that she decided all of this & in doing so has also made the decision on the behalf of our boys too.

Yeah mate, I've been through this turmoil.  I actually used to like it when she went away with the kids and gave me a few days of peace and quiet to get some work done.  But of course, they were always coming back and it was just a temporary thing.  Very close friends who have split have told me that I'll get used to it and will even be glad of it when they're teenagers!  Having my own space and freedom is definitely very appealling but I've been taking the kids for granted.  Sure.  It's another harsh reality.

As for being single parents... you're in very very good company.  This is so common it's stupid. And I certainly never thought it'd happen to me but I'm starting to embrace the opportunities it holds, rather than dwell on the past.  My kids have two parents that love them so much.  They'll be fine.

As for what she decided, if she's anything like my ex she didn't think about the consequencies or practicalities before she split up with you, unbelievable as it might sound to a rational thinker like yourself.

This is a great thread. Every post has something in it that strikes a chord with me.

Sadly, I have to vanish for a few days. As a "kind of" single man (I'm dating), I'm about to hop on a plane to meet friends somewhere amazing (won't say where in case someone is reading who knows me) for a long weekend. It's costing me about £150 for the whole weekend. I could get very used to this!
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#14
18 months on and I not there yet. I have massive anxiety about the children and seeing them less, stuck in a job with tremendous pressure which I hate, still struggle with my own company and have to watch here and the man which has been their since virtually she left making their great life with my kids - the gits!!!.
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#15
(09-13-2018, 12:49 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: As for what she decided, if she's anything like my ex she didn't think about the consequencies or practicalities before she split up with you, unbelievable as it might sound to a rational thinker like yourself.

One of the first things I said to her right at the start (mid-June) was "you really haven't thought this through have you"?

Following proper legal advice for me vs what her mates had been telling her she should do, it soon became apparent that her idea of how things would happen were far from accurate. I even had the DA card thrown at me, told if I wasn't out by Christmas then she'd take the boys to a hostel! I swiftly pointed out that our arguments, although upsetting for the boys when they heard, were in no way DA & if she attempted to enter a hostel on those grounds then I hope they'll show her some women, who really are in danger & really need to be there, before showing her the door. That's when I pointed out that if she was able to take over the mortgage based on her low salary, child tax credits & my CMS payments (which she proudly pointed out that she'd made enquiries about & that she could), then she'd be able to mortgage another house (albeit smaller) locally if we were to sell this one & I let her have a slightly larger share.

I think that statement, along with more than I care to mention, marked the beginning of me seeing her in a different light & beginning to think rationally rather than being led by emotion.

I know what you mean about how common it is, I think the majority of my boys friends are all from single parent families & of all the friends weddings I've been to in my life, well over 50% of those ended in divorce. I guess I was just proud not to be, to actually be a "complete" family & not part of the status quo as it seems.

I think if I can accept that it's not going to ruin my boys lives, that I'll likely have more quality time with them instead, then I can get back to thinking of the pleasures in life I can also enjoy with my own place. Boys one weekend, Pink Floyd the other!

It's been too quiet for the past few weeks, possibly making me a bit paranoid wondering what she's up to & whether she's hatching some plan to get things going back her way. Think I'm going to have to suggest a talk over the weekend to find out where we are with things & when are we going to start moving things forward again. The last thing my solicitor said to me was to find out her mortgage capability, which I've asked her to do, as that would form the basis of whether the chargeback\mesher would be inappropriate & I should just go ahead with pushing for sale of the house. As he put it "then we look at getting you your money".

(09-13-2018, 01:11 PM)GC1974 Wrote: 18 months on and I not there yet. I have massive anxiety about the children and seeing them less, stuck in a job with tremendous pressure which I hate, still struggle with my own company and have to watch here and the man which has been their since virtually she left making their great life with my kids - the gits!!!.

That would break me to be honest, if she moved another bloke into "my" home so soon & he was in there with my boys.

She's insisted that she's off blokes altogether for a while (going by her Mum & her Sister, I can almost believe that as they're no different, long time single women) but she was pretty promiscuous when I met her 17 years ago so I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.

(09-13-2018, 12:49 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Sadly, I have to vanish for a few days. As a "kind of" single man (I'm dating), I'm about to hop on a plane to meet friends somewhere amazing (won't say where in case someone is reading who knows me) for a long weekend. It's costing me about £150 for the whole weekend. I could get very used to this!

Have a good one mate & enjoy!
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#16
yes my ex has a mum and sister who have been single for an eternity - how bizarre.
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#17
(09-13-2018, 02:16 PM)GC1974 Wrote: yes my ex has a mum and sister who have been single for an eternity - how bizarre.

Makes you think doesn't it. Neither of them have bothered with me since this all began, both have raised children as single mothers & no doubt both of them are working with her to get everything she can out of me (probably welcoming her to their "club" with open arms).
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#18
(09-13-2018, 02:16 PM)GC1974 Wrote: yes my ex has a mum and sister who have been single for an eternity - how bizarre.

my exes mother is no longer with us, but her one sister is narcissist who has been single the whole time I've known her, her brother is socially inept and on medication, her other sister has a happy family and a husband - she's known as the black sheep and her family aren't big fans of her husband....

i think her loopy narcissistic sister has convinced my ex that its empowering to be a single mother and doing it all alone...

but really they are all being propped up by their rich father...
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#19
Well guys all the stories of grief and heartache seem to be very similar in stature.... Same for me maybe 4 months in for me ijust woke up thinking... Right let's get on with this I'm worth far more than a crying miserable wreck.... Just because of a women..... It was like fuck you and all your mates.... I dated and found a lovely woman, now I realised I've never been the real me for the last 20 years.... The kids love her, she likes them, I'm even going Miami in 3 weeks with her.... We've made more decisions together in 3 months then the ex did in 3 years.... I've had the regrettably force the sale of the home though this week as I'm getting messed about ridiculously... She's even fucked off to her new fella this week left the kids so I've had to take emergency leave.... The shits got real now..... Anyway it gets better each and everyday as I've pm'd some of you guys earlier on just keep going think of the positives in life and there's many, you just don't see them when your being the partner/provider.... Remember it's just another person why be so fuckin unhappy ? if they don't want to be with you...... All of us can do this... Chin up lads ??
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#20
(09-14-2018, 01:16 PM)pazzer1973 Wrote: I've had the regrettably force the sale of the home though this week as I'm getting messed about ridiculously...

Any idea how long that thing takes?...

I've just had to issue my Statement of Case for the divorce petition so that I can request an Order For Sale....

I need that house sold but it just feels like its going to take ages and its frustrating as fuck....
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