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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#21
Bit of a down day today.

Not about her but just the situation in general. She was out, I'd just mowed the lawn & was sat out in the garden, could hear the boys playing in thier rooms & was just kind of surveying what I/we have in terms of the property & just kinda thought "shit, this was supposed to be so perfect, all the hopes & dreams we had for this place are completely out the window now".

It's a nice house, big garden with the most amazing outbuilding at the end (divided in two with one half being my "man cave", tool storage & workbenches etc, the other half is a fully insulated & plastered room that we were going to turn into a summer room with patio outside etc). Big front garden too with 2 car driveway & detached garage that houses my "summer toy"

Barely started the renovations inside but have new kitchen, living room & dining room plastered & ready for decorating, full rewire & I'd Ethernet cabled the place up (I'm an IT network guy) with full on data cabinet, patch panel, switches etc, so all rooms have multiple data ports & my boys can game away without complaining to me the wireless signal upstairs is shit (1940's house with solid internal walls & a big ass chimney breast in the middle serving 2, functional fireplaces).

Sorry if I sound a bit self indulgent here but the brain ran off on me earlier & all I could think was all the prospects for everyone here, shattered by one decision that wasn't mine.

Still, I'm now sat in a sunny beer garden, enjoying a pint, venting to all on here so every cloud & all that I guess.

Sounds like she's resigned to the fact that the only way forward is to sell up & get what we can get individually, just need to agree on an equity split now!

I know it's only material but I'm really going to miss that house.
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#22
Dan - That feeling isnt of material things, it is of lost dreams and hopes and will take a long time to go away, if at all. Its not about missing the other person, but the feeling of loss.... I came from a broken home, single parent family, but 30 years on in my late 40s, by working hard, being married a while and having a good family home, well, it was the pride of my life, an achievement. Then some cheating slut of a spouse fucks it all up, it makes me bewildered, angry and sad. I dont miss her, but I sometimes feel shit at the fact that I failed, I lost, even if i didnt actually fail. It subsides over time, but every now and again it emerges....
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#23
(09-16-2018, 02:42 PM)DanDad Wrote: Bit of a down day today.

Not about her but just the situation in general. She was out, I'd just mowed the lawn & was sat out in the garden, could hear the boys playing in thier rooms & was just kind of surveying what I/we have in terms of the property & just kinda thought "shit, this was supposed to be so perfect, all the hopes & dreams we had for this place are completely out the window now".

It's a nice house, big garden with the most amazing outbuilding at the end (divided in two with one half being my "man cave", tool storage & workbenches etc, the other half is a fully insulated & plastered room that we were going to turn into a summer room with patio outside etc). Big front garden too with 2 car driveway & detached garage that houses my "summer toy"

Barely started the renovations inside but have new kitchen, living room & dining room plastered & ready for decorating, full rewire & I'd Ethernet cabled the place up (I'm an IT network guy) with full on data cabinet, patch panel, switches etc, so all rooms have multiple data ports & my boys can game away without complaining to me the wireless signal upstairs is shit (1940's house with solid internal walls & a big ass chimney breast in the middle serving 2, functional fireplaces).

Sorry if I sound a bit self indulgent here but the brain ran off on me earlier & all I could think was all the prospects for everyone here, shattered by one decision that wasn't mine.

Still, I'm now sat in a sunny beer garden, enjoying a pint, venting to all on here so every cloud & all that I guess.

Sounds like she's resigned to the fact that the only way forward is to sell up & get what we can get individually, just need to agree on an equity split now!

I know it's only material but I'm really going to miss that house.


Bloody hell Dan, when i said our situations were similar....!

As expected, there are now a dozen posts on here I want to respond to.  Better get into work early tomorrow.  The weekend away was pretty incredible and I even stopped on the way home for a cheeky couple of drinks in the sun with my current date who lives on the way home from the airport.
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#24
That really resonates with me. We bought a 4 bedroom house in a posh market town. Not my cup of tea but i did it for her and our daughter.

We had the understanding that the house was hers, the garage was mine. All set to turn it into a man cave / music studio / vinyl storage. Spent £2k getting it water tight. For the house we bought new carpet, curtains, beds. .

Now its over and she wants her deposit back and expects me to just fuck off and go back to renting.

The feeling of failure is real.
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#25
I bought a flat at 21 and sold it at 29 with a hefty amount of equity.  Most of my 20s were spent working to pay for that place, although I obviously had fun as well :-)  and was proud to own my own home at a young age.

Started seeing my STBX when I was 31 and we dreamed of moving to Canada.   We rented for a year.    I spent 5 months in the Alps after 18 months together.  She then got pregnant while we were living at her mums and our first child was born in 2008.  We rented again. Canada became Spain. We got offered work in Spain just as she got pregnant again so we stuck in the UK.  The housing market was flat so we kept renting.  I was using my equity to buy family cars and to make ends meet.  Around 2013 I decided things were getting silly - we never really settled on one dream or one plan, so I started looking for a house.  Ten years off the property ladder!  We finally bought our first place together in 2014. I gifted her half the deposit.  That house has made nearly £100k in equity and I've paid off £20k.  Lucky her!  Now that we're splitting up, she'll get half of that without paying a penny towards the house.  I have less money than when we got together and at 44 will need a mortgage of more than £250k to buy again.

As for the house, I converted the garage into a fantastic workshop for my bike business.  I fitted several new floors, decorated every room, skimmed every (artex) ceiling, opened up the downstairs to make it open plan, blood/sweat/tears to landscape the garden and build fences. I've fitted lights, doors, a new front door, sold my Omega watch to pay for a secure garage door.  I paid for a patio, a bathroom, a new boiler and rads, plus thousands on tools and materials. It isn't even finished yet. The last job was the kitchen and carpets, but haven't started on those yet.   And now it's all come to an abrupt halt!  I'm not even sure if any of what we've done has really added value, but I've said I'll stay on to finish the house before we sell it.

So yes.. I get what you mean!
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#26
(09-17-2018, 06:55 AM)Living Bate Wrote: The feeling of failure is real.

That's the horrible part, I do feel like I've failed everyone.

In my case, I kind of wish she had done something horrific to give me reason to apportion the blame over to her but the truth is, the signs have been there for some time now & I just plodded on thinking that it would all just sort itself out in the end. I've had so much time to prevent this from happening but if I'm being honest with myself, there were plenty of times when I just thought I wanted out too (I've been no Angel over the years) as she only had to open her mouth to irritate me.

Guess when she hit me with the decision that it was over, I'd had my head buried in the sand for so long that I really didn't see it coming.

It's a weird emotional swing. One moment I feel relief that we are parting, as we'd drifted so far apart over the last few years, & in another moment I feel like I should've tried more to keep the family together (I honestly thought the move to this house 2 years ago would be the savour of it all, a fresh start & all that). We did say once that we probably wouldn't even have been together this long if it wasn't for the boys & that is sadly very true.

The way she's been towards me over the last 3 months (it's actually 3 months today since this all happened) has helped a lot in switching my feelings off towards her but I just feel so sad for my boys. It's almost like dangling a carrot in front of them for the last 2 years, setting them up in a home that they think is going to be there forever & having all the cool things they have here, just to then have to tell them at some point soon that it's going to have to go & they're going to have to move to another house with Mum (& Dad will be leaving to move into his own house) which I know won't have anywhere near what this one has to offer.

Christ, I started this topic on the basis that I was feeling good for once & now I've gone all miserable again!
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#27
Here's some blunt truths.

Nothing lasts forever.

Attachment, to people or things is the root of all emotional turmoil.

I implore all of you experiencing this turmoil to read these two books. They are cheap, all arrive tomorrow and will help you with your lives right now in a practical way, not some theoretical idea.

Buddhism for Breakups

The Obstacle is the Way: The Ancient Art of Turning Adversity to Advantage

What do you have to lose?

About a tenner and a few hours.

What do you have to gain?

Complete freedom from the feelings of failure, loss, hopelessness and disaster.

Please go read them.
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#28
Dan mate, thats the problem . . The fog drifts away but it also drifts back . .

I have days where i completely accept the situation and what is going to happen in the future . . Then i might wake up one morning in complete disbelief of where i am and whats happening . .
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#29
Dan mate, I agree and our situations are sooooo similar.  Many times over the past couple of years, I knew we were drifting apart and I was willing to let her go rather than lie to myself about my values and beliefs.  I spent years agreeing with her unconditionally and backing down to her, giving up my own ideas to run with hers.   Sometimes I considered whether I would be happier with a new girlfriend and a decent sex life.  We couldn't communicate and she gave me a dozen reasons why she didn't want sex.  But breaking up our family was just beyond me and I still loved her.  Even now, I think she's beautiful.  When we were warm with each other and found some connection, things were OK.  There are so many poignant reminders around the house. I saw a note today from 28/3 where she was planning to buy flights for our Xmas holiday - a holiday during which she had considered we might get married.  9 weeks later we'd split up (she met the "affair" guy on 12/4 but says that wasn't the reason.  Go figure!).

I'm living with a stranger now but she might be gone this time next week.  I've been feeling great. Today I feel pretty low.  I'm dating a nice looking woman who's seriously into me.  It's helped and it's fun, but I already feel the pressure and am unsure about it.  Meanwhile the love of my life and my best friend is a ghost in my house now and doesn't seem to want a scrap of help from me to set up her new home.

I also punish myself, but my counsellor set my mind straight on this.  Grown ups in a relationship need to be able to tell their partner what they want or need.  If their partner has heard them clearly and understood, it is up to the partner to decide whether to give them what they need or not.  That's the grown up way.  Breaking up the family without trying... having an affair.  These aren't good ways to end a relationship.  Sure, I could've done more and you can punish yourself over a hundred occasions when you could've done things better.  But I wasn't told explicitly that she was unhappy and/or what she wanted.  She just sat there quietly building up resentment and disappointment, it seems.  And in spite of what she says, I believe she simply met a bloke she fancied, who showed an interest in her, and invested all her love and lust in him.  Funnily enough, he turned out to be an arsehole who just wanted a shag who didn't really give a f**k about her.

Yes - my kids are the victims in this.  They did nothing wrong and were growing up happily.  We let them down as parents by not communicating, by not working on our relationship and by drifting and being whimsical.  We... she, has never stuck to rules that we make in the house to give the kids boundaries or other commitments, like sports clubs, and I never put my foot down about it.  One of the first things I did when I found out about her affair was to point at my 10-yr-old son and remind her that he was taking his 11+ in a few weeks and that she'd let him down because we couldn't possibly act like the focused, united parents he needed to get him though it.
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#30
(09-17-2018, 11:17 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Yes - my kids are the victims in this.  They did nothing wrong and were growing up happily.

That's the part I've really struggled with & anytime I get down it's purely over them (just the other day my eldest asked me when am I going to finish painting the living room, I could only answer that I'll get round to it soon).

That's why I was initially was looking to go down the Chageback\Mesher arrangement as I was pretty much feeling like I deserved to disappear off with with my tail between my legs & let them all stay (for a while anyway) as I was being told by her that I was being selfish & not thinking of the boys if I did it any other way. An unbelievable amount of people (family, friends, even some mutual friends & people I just got chatting to down the pub) all categorically said to me not to be so stupid & to think of yourself as well. I guess I don't feel selfish now for pushing forward to sell the house as the sensible thing all round is for us both to be able to buy our own, smaller properties & secure our finances while we're still young enough to do so.

I know that they will eventually adjust to whatever changes happen & I know that in the long term it's all for the best. No doubt in a years time I'll be posting here to others, who are newly in our situations, about how hard it was but how much my life is so much more pleasant now, what great quality times I have with my boys now, how I can do what I want, when I want & how many times I've been laid via online dating! Wink

Guess I can have a Beer fridge in my kitchen too!  Big Grin
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