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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#51
(09-19-2018, 09:07 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 08:57 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I can vouch for this.  My ex moves out this weekend.  As far as I know she's seeing someone else - a second person since we split up.  But last week was suggesting we could go away as a family at Xmas.

Its weird - really weird, how many things are similar. My ex wife had to move back into the house for a couple of weeks after we split up as was looking for a flat with her new fancy-man (had an affair with him). No word of a lie, she came in to see me in the kitchen one morning and said she needed my help urgently as she'd messed up with Match.com and posted her email address on her profile!! And yes she wanted us to go away for new year to London....

They want it all.  All the good stuff that came with you, plus the excitement of new relationships. My ex, plus everybody close to her I've spoken to, says she doesn't really know what she wants.  But being the selfish, self-absorbed individual she is, she'll go and take as much as she can, regardless of who she hurts, and will then expect those that love her to pick her up again when it all goes wrong.  I think she sees me more like a father figure now but I've said in the past that romantic love is conditional, unlike fatherly love that is unconditional.  You can't treat a partner like dirt and expect them to be there for you.  Her dad left when she was 3 and she has had a difficult relationship with him since.  Everyone knows he's an arsehole.  Go figure.
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#52
(09-19-2018, 09:08 AM)Jim Wrote: I am still 2 belt notches down from when this business started.

Same here.....having your life fucked up might be the best new weight loss plan....

Could be all the rage before you know it...
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#53
I've had to buy a new belt... Agree about it being a great weight loss plan! Every cloud, eh! This could be a Dragons' Den moment chaps.
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#54
(09-19-2018, 09:39 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: They want it all.  All the good stuff that came with you, plus the excitement of new relationships. My ex, plus everybody close to her I've spoken to, says she doesn't really know what she wants.  But being the selfish, self-absorbed individual she is, she'll go and take as much as she can, regardless of who she hurts, and will then expect those that love her to pick her up again when it all goes wrong.  I think she sees me more like a father figure now but I've said in the past that romantic love is conditional, unlike fatherly love that is unconditional.  You can't treat a partner like dirt and expect them to be there for you.  Her dad left when she was 3 and she has had a difficult relationship with him since.  Everyone knows he's an arsehole.  Go figure.

Be fair - you don't want it all? You've never been dissatisfied with your lot? You've never changed your mind over something after a period of time?

Marriage, and the culture of marriage is at fault, not the individuals. It was never meant to last 50 years, hell it was never meant to last 10. It was an act of mutual convenience to protect each other and children until they were old enough to fend for them selves. Now - it's expected to be perfect and last forever and never change?

Seems unrealistic to me.
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#55
Seriously, if I could find a way to transfer stress to a liquid in a bottle, I could sell it as the most effective weight loss aid ever & make a mint!

Wouldn't give a toss about selling the house then, I'd even send her a postcard from my private Yacht in the Bahama's & send a private jet back & forth to pick up the boys every other weekend.
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#56
(09-19-2018, 09:39 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 09:07 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 08:57 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I can vouch for this.  My ex moves out this weekend.  As far as I know she's seeing someone else - a second person since we split up.  But last week was suggesting we could go away as a family at Xmas.

Its weird - really weird, how many things are similar. My ex wife had to move back into the house for a couple of weeks after we split up as was looking for a flat with her new fancy-man (had an affair with him). No word of a lie, she came in to see me in the kitchen one morning and said she needed my help urgently as she'd messed up with Match.com and posted her email address on her profile!! And yes she wanted us to go away for new year to London....

They want it all.  All the good stuff that came with you, plus the excitement of new relationships. My ex, plus everybody close to her I've spoken to, says she doesn't really know what she wants.  But being the selfish, self-absorbed individual she is, she'll go and take as much as she can, regardless of who she hurts, and will then expect those that love her to pick her up again when it all goes wrong.  I think she sees me more like a father figure now but I've said in the past that romantic love is conditional, unlike fatherly love that is unconditional.  You can't treat a partner like dirt and expect them to be there for you.  Her dad left when she was 3 and she has had a difficult relationship with him since.  Everyone knows he's an arsehole.  Go figure.

So I googled STBX wants to be friends and read a few discussions. It's all par for the course isn't it. But she likes to think it's different for us. Hates it when I say everything that's happening to us is completely typical of what's happening to everybody else. I suppose that's because it's a logic thing. Women can run rings around us and convince themselves of any old rubbish with emotions. But logic and objective observation is like a bucket of cold water.
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#57
(09-19-2018, 10:04 AM)Tamagoto Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 09:39 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: They want it all.  All the good stuff that came with you, plus the excitement of new relationships. My ex, plus everybody close to her I've spoken to, says she doesn't really know what she wants.  But being the selfish, self-absorbed individual she is, she'll go and take as much as she can, regardless of who she hurts, and will then expect those that love her to pick her up again when it all goes wrong.  I think she sees me more like a father figure now but I've said in the past that romantic love is conditional, unlike fatherly love that is unconditional.  You can't treat a partner like dirt and expect them to be there for you.  Her dad left when she was 3 and she has had a difficult relationship with him since.  Everyone knows he's an arsehole.  Go figure.

Be fair - you don't want it all? You've never been dissatisfied with your lot? You've never changed your mind over something after a period of time?

Marriage, and the culture of marriage is at fault, not the individuals. It was never meant to last 50 years, hell it was never meant to last 10. It was an act of mutual convenience to protect each other and children until they were old enough to fend for them selves. Now - it's expected to be perfect and last forever and never change?

Seems unrealistic to me.

Sure.  Who doesn't want it all?  But is it fair or reasonable to expect the hurt party to be at your beck and call while you're pursuing sexual relationships with new partners?  In fairness to my ex, she will accept NO for an answer on these things.  And I know that I'm free to find a new partner and hopefully have a great sex life with them... something that was lacking for years for me and caused me a lot of hurt.  

I don't say it's wrong to outgrow a relationship or to want new things.  But in my case the way that it was done and the hurt that it has caused to me, my young kids and our wider families and friends is what gets me.  But I will get over it and forgive.  And I'll be happier.

For me though, it just demonstrates that she split up with me for one reason - she missed the sexual freedom she had as a 20-something.  She overlooked the things you should love when you're raising a family, like family holidays, security, a secure home etc.

(09-19-2018, 09:41 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 09:08 AM)Jim Wrote: I am still 2 belt notches down from when this business started.

Same here.....having your life fucked up might be the best new weight loss plan....

Could be all the rage before you know it...

I've dropped more than a stone in weight. All my suit trousers are falling off me. I always used the gym and cycled, but now I'm doing one-handed handstands at the gym, weighted dips (+30kg!) and weighted chins and pull ups.  I'm 45 in January. Loving it!
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#58
I’m allergic to the word “should” as I’ve found it has very little use in the real world.

I sure missed my sexual freedom when married. Didn’t you? Don’t we all?
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#59
Should or could.  Sure.  I have taught myself to replace should with could for years now.  I still think "should" has its place.

I missed having a decent, fun sex life, more than I missed sexual freedom. One-night stands were never much of a thing for me.  Horses for courses.  But I loved my partner and was still very attracted to her.  And that was something we could have worked on.  My point is that our relationship was far more than our sex life, which of course is important, but the damage to other aspects of our life together wasn't considered. I know this is true because she's told me.
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#60
(09-19-2018, 11:36 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I missed having a decent, fun sex life, more than I missed sexual freedom. One-night stands were never much of a thing for me.  Horses for courses.  But I loved my partner and was still very attracted to her.  And that was something we could have worked on.  My point is that our relationship was far more than our sex life, which of course is important, but the damage to other aspects of our life together wasn't considered. I know this is true because she's told me.

Yes. 

It got so there used to be the half-promise of sex sometimes but she would always fall asleep early evening so most of the time it didn't happen. It got so I usually had to ask for it - it felt like I was having to beg for it - so most of the time I didn't. I told myself it didn't matter but in the context of the bigger relationship but it did.
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