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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#61
(09-19-2018, 03:56 PM)Jim Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 11:36 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I missed having a decent, fun sex life, more than I missed sexual freedom. One-night stands were never much of a thing for me.  Horses for courses.  But I loved my partner and was still very attracted to her.  And that was something we could have worked on.  My point is that our relationship was far more than our sex life, which of course is important, but the damage to other aspects of our life together wasn't considered. I know this is true because she's told me.

Yes. 

It got so there used to be the half-promise of sex sometimes but she would always fall asleep early evening so most of the time it didn't happen. It got so I usually had to ask for it - it felt like I was having to beg for it - so most of the time I didn't. I told myself it didn't matter but in the context of the bigger relationship but it did.


Yep.  Falling asleep early was one.  Constant rejections.  Being made to feel stupid because of how I approached it.  The humiliation of it all, not to mention feeling unattractive.. inadequate.   And when it did happen she was often drinking (although she was drinking most of the time anyway) and I frequently felt like she was doing me a favour; doing a duty, rather than actually wanting sex with me.  That made it awkward and routine, which made it disappointing for both of us and no doubt put her off even more.  There were plenty of excuses.  I put a lot of it down to us being in those early years of raising a family.  But I know couples who have had good sex lives even when their kids were young.  The most painful thing for me has been that, now, when she is clearly interested in sex again, it isn't with me!  I feel like I've been lied to for years to keep me on board, providing, fathering etc.

Like you Jim, I accepted that this was how things were and our life together, our dreams, our kids, were all more important.  Silly me.  Perhaps I thought things would improve when the kids were older but, if I'm honest, it was only really good for the first few months and even then wasn't brilliant.  I can think of brilliant occasions but, on the whole...  And I know enough about her to know that this is typical of her.  She used to only want new relationships. I guess it was time to have kids though.

I've been seeing a counsellor who says outright that I was with the wrong woman.  She almost controlled me with sex (whether she meant to or not).  She even described it as a form of abuse!  Sex/intimacy is as vital to many people as food or air.  And what I'm waking up to now is that the sex was pretty good in all of my previous relationships. I didn't really suffer with inadequacy issues.  My partners certainly seemed sexually attracted to me and me to them.   I didn't have to accept it.
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#62
Familiarity breeds contempt. It’s not just a saying. I got bored sleeping with the same woman. I’m sure your wives got tired sleeping with the same guy. Our brains are just not wired to do it long term and be happy. That’s a fact any anthropologist or psycologist can tell you.
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#63
Sorry, Fatcat. I replied at some length to your post but pressed the wrong button or something and lost the lot. Instead it reprinted your earlier post. Can't write it all again now.
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#64
(09-19-2018, 05:37 PM)Jim Wrote: Sorry, Fatcat. I replied at some length to your post but pressed the wrong button or something and lost the lot. Instead it reprinted your earlier post. Can't write it all again now.

Would've been interested to hear it.  Perhaps another time!
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#65
I went through the exact same set of emotions just over a longer time period but I think it was dragged out by the fact we kept trying to give it another go then something would go wrong again which seemed to reset the emotional clock for me.

To be honest I feel nothing toward her any longer, it's taken 18 months to get to this stage but I've got there and am happier than I've been for as long as I can remember now apart from her odd attempt to rile me back up.

I'm glad to read that you have come to the conclusion there's nothing there for you anymore, it'll give you that freedom to enjoy your time with your children and move ahead with your life at the same time.
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#66
(09-20-2018, 08:03 AM)Dave_R Wrote: I went through the exact same set of emotions just over a longer time period but I think it was dragged out by the fact we kept trying to give it another go then something would go wrong again which seemed to reset the emotional clock for me.

Hopefully this might help you - http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/thread-7031.html
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#67
It is a strange feeling when you look at that person, your love for how ever many years it's been, the mother of your children, the person you've shared the most intimate of moments with & at one point in time thought it'd never change & you'd be that old couple sat on a bench somewhere sharing a sandwich, then suddenly it's like a switch has been flicked off.

I can't say in all honesty that I'm not going to have times over the months to come where I look at her & some memory, of the good times, comes back & I'll feel like I've lost a huge part of me but when that has happened so far I tend to conjure up images of her face twisted in anger, calling me all the names under the sun as well as remembering the feelings of wanting out that I've also had in the past.

Interesting to read the comments on the sex too.

When we were first together the sex was amazing, I know everyone feels like that but this was real porn movie stuff & it stayed that way for years. I didn't have to ask, she didn't have to ask, if one instigated it then the other was more than happy to oblige. Even after the kids, with the obvious dip in activity that comes with baby's in the home, we still maintained a healthy & adventurous sex life.

The last 2-4 years is really where it died off. She'd always been one to say "if I'm asleep, wake me up nicely (you know what I mean)" & I could & I did. The falling asleep on the sofa early, every evening turned more into "you wake me up, you die". I gave up instigating it & when I did get to the point when I'd finally ask or suggest it (I'd try & make it into a nice, gentle nudge type thing with a bit of a wink & all that), it'd either be outright rejection or like a "oh, go on then if you have have to (which sounded more like "you're desperate to empty your balls so be quick about it").

Yeah, I miss sex, I'm a 41 year old red blooded male who's hardly past it & going by my history has never really had a problem in attracting women.

If I got home from work today & she was laid on the sofa, dressed up & using a dildo (like what used to happen) then I'd probably end up balls deep in her again but I've resigned to the fact that's never going to happen & if I was to have sex with her again it would probably be more a case of getting it out of my system as opposed to being intimate with her.

As in other topics on here, I see myself going through a string of shallow yet fuckable women for a while once I've got our mess finally sorted & truthfully, I can't bloody wait!
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#68
Dan - just know your emotional pinch points when you get on the dating scene, plenty of opportunity for fun, but also plenty of opportunity to fall in love with the wrong one because she's waaaaay better than your ex too. The comments you make about sex with your spouse is so true, I genuinely thought that's what happens when you get to 40, you get fat and stop having sex, middle age beckons. I thought that was just middle age, I was married and missed out on exciting sex for 8 years whilst she was having an affair. I'm bitter about that and other lost opportunities and when I start getting misty eyed for her I just focus on those things to bring me back down to earth.
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#69
(09-20-2018, 11:19 AM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Dan - just know your emotional pinch points when you get on the dating scene, plenty of opportunity for fun, but also plenty of opportunity to fall in love with the wrong one because she's waaaaay better than your ex too.

This is true, I am going to have to take extra caution when I get to that point as I have been known to be a sucker for falling for women way too quickly!

I think when your in your 20's, can go all night, twice in the morning & pop home at lunchtime for another, you do view people in their 40's as quite a bit older & probably not so interested in sex as mowing the lawn instead is the done thing. When you are actually a 40 something though then mentally there's no difference so, when you've been denied for so long, the desire is no different.

If I had the opportunity now I probably wouldn't take it though (I say probably, i MAY if it were extremely discrete & 100% failsafe) as all the time I'm still under the same roof as her & the boys then I just wouldn't feel right with it.
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#70
(09-19-2018, 09:41 AM)Living Bate Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 09:08 AM)Jim Wrote: I am still 2 belt notches down from when this business started.

Same here.....having your life fucked up might be the best new weight loss plan....

Could be all the rage before you know it...

the Stress diet bud... lol..

(09-19-2018, 03:56 PM)Jim Wrote:
(09-19-2018, 11:36 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I missed having a decent, fun sex life, more than I missed sexual freedom. One-night stands were never much of a thing for me.  Horses for courses.  But I loved my partner and was still very attracted to her.  And that was something we could have worked on.  My point is that our relationship was far more than our sex life, which of course is important, but the damage to other aspects of our life together wasn't considered. I know this is true because she's told me.

Yes. 

It got so there used to be the half-promise of sex sometimes but she would always fall asleep early evening so most of the time it didn't happen. It got so I usually had to ask for it - it felt like I was having to beg for it - so most of the time I didn't. I told myself it didn't matter but in the context of the bigger relationship but it did.
This was my relationship in a mirror, Jim. even when the point was raised that in a loving relationship why should i have to ask for sex it should be spontaneous, and wanted by both, correct... don't get me wrong it was always good to a degree, but when you have to initiate the act EVERY time you begin to think????? looking back now the sex and 3 kids together is what kept us together, we could literally drive 300 miles and not speak ffs.....
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