Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#71
I listened to an interesting recording by psychologist Nathaniel Brendan where he talks about a husband who doesn't understand why he should be expected to want sex at the exact moment his wife does, but is reminded that he wife is always ready when he wants it.

He comes to the realisation that his wife ISN'T always ready when he wants it, but makes herself ready for his sake.  

Have you ever considered that when you ask for sex spontaneously and it happens that your wife/partner might not have wanted it at all?  My first proper relationship from age 18 was very physical.  We shagged everywhere.  We did it spontaneously.  We planned it. We did it all night.  We spent lunchtimes in bed or whole afternoons.  But just this week, somebody who I consider to be well-informed explained that men and women in their 20s enjoy the physical side of sex much more, experimenting and doing it as often as possible. Whereas it's more of an occasional treat in your 40s and women especially want a more emotional experience.  Her words, not mine.

It always frustrated me in my recently-failed relationship that we were hardly ever spontaneous.  I won't mince words - for the past 8+ years our sex life was awful and it was a source of much misery for me.  Prior to that, we were trying for kids so it was obviously quite good, but I never felt she really wanted it.  But there were good times and they were always after a romantic night out - an amazing gig or a brilliant meal, or during a specific period where our relationship was failing and we came back together and worked on it.  It was romance and emotion that was missing for us and I probably could've done more. Even then, I'm really not sure the sexual attraction was strong enough in her to me, and perhaps between both of us.  It's a harsh truth.  I still think of her as being a very sexually attractive woman, but I accept that this could be because we had sex so rarely that I obsessed about sex with her.  Because she is attractive - she's 45 but gets mistaken for 33 - and flirtatious and people fall in love with her, but she wasn't really amazing in bed.   I used to read about the impact of the lack of intimacy and it makes stark reading.  Depression, resentment, feeling trapped.  I had all those things and it just became normal, but I'm a decent guy and I never ever cheated.
Reply
#72
(09-21-2018, 04:59 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I listened to an interesting recording by psychologist Nathaniel Brendan where he talks about a husband who doesn't understand why he should be expected to want sex at the exact moment his wife does, but is reminded that he wife is always ready when he wants it.

He comes to the realisation that his wife ISN'T always ready when he wants it, but makes herself ready for his sake.  

Have you ever considered that when you ask for sex spontaneously and it happens that your wife/partner might not have wanted it at all?  My first proper relationship from age 18 was very physical.  We shagged everywhere.  We did it spontaneously.  We planned it. We did it all night.  We spent lunchtimes in bed or whole afternoons.  But just this week, somebody who I consider to be well-informed explained that men and women in their 20s enjoy the physical side of sex much more, experimenting and doing it as often as possible. Whereas it's more of an occasional treat in your 40s and women especially want a more emotional experience.  Her words, not mine.

It always frustrated me in my recently-failed relationship that we were hardly ever spontaneous.  I won't mince words - for the past 8+ years our sex life was awful and it was a source of much misery for me.  Prior to that, we were trying for kids so it was obviously quite good, but I never felt she really wanted it.  But there were good times and they were always after a romantic night out - an amazing gig or a brilliant meal, or during a specific period where our relationship was failing and we came back together and worked on it.  It was romance and emotion that was missing for us and I probably could've done more. Even then, I'm really not sure the sexual attraction was strong enough in her to me, and perhaps between both of us.  It's a harsh truth.  I still think of her as being a very sexually attractive woman, but I accept that this could be because we had sex so rarely that I obsessed about sex with her.  Because she is attractive - she's 45 but gets mistaken for 33 - and flirtatious and people fall in love with her, but she wasn't really amazing in bed.   I used to read about the impact of the lack of intimacy and it makes stark reading.  Depression, resentment, feeling trapped.  I had all those things and it just became normal, but I'm a decent guy and I never ever cheated.

I think in some ways I have been more lucky in this respect. My wife and I had the romance and emotion in spades and were always very close friends. It was always hard to tell where liking somebody a lot finished and loving them began. It was all meshed together and probably impossible to separate the strands. She was always my best friend first not a lover or even my wife. I think that's why I could tell myself that the demise of sex didn't really mean much in the context of loving marriage. I should imagine it's the way a lot of happy marriages develop. It niggled me and was humiliating sometimes but on it's own I don't think it would have been the death knell. I think somewhere along the line depression and tiredness got into it.
Reply
#73
Jim that resonates with me. In one of the other threads someone mentions that sex is a top priority for most men when it comes to relationships. In the past it always was for me, but this time round I found someone that I just loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The sex with her was rarely great, and eventually pretty rare (her medication has a reputation for decreasing libido) but i was prepared to sacrifice great sex for a loving and happy life with someone I cared for and who cared for me.

That person ended up fucking me over more than anyone else in my life has come close.
Reply
#74
(09-22-2018, 09:09 AM)Living Bate Wrote: Jim that resonates with me. In one of the other threads someone mentions that sex is a top priority for most men when it comes to relationships. In the past it always was for me, but this time round I found someone that I just loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The sex with her was rarely great, and eventually pretty rare (her medication has a reputation for decreasing libido) but i was prepared to sacrifice great sex for a loving and happy life with someone I cared for and who cared for me.

That person ended up fucking me over more than anyone else in my life has come close.

Hi LB. I think your experience of finding someone and wanting to spend the rest of their life with them is widespread but not universal. One night I had so little to do I actually googled 'what is a soulmate'. The results really surprised me. For one thing only a small proportion of people think such a thing is real. It seems maybe not even a majority think an all-round loving relationship is realistic or attainable. Therefore they're not even looking for it because they don't believe it exists. From their perspective it's reasonable to state that sex is a top priority. Based on my own experience and by the sound of it yours too it's not true for everybody.
Reply
#75
(09-22-2018, 09:09 AM)Living Bate Wrote: Jim that resonates with me. In one of the other threads someone mentions that sex is a top priority for most men when it comes to relationships. In the past it always was for me, but this time round I found someone that I just loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The sex with her was rarely great, and eventually pretty rare (her medication has a reputation for decreasing libido) but i was prepared to sacrifice great sex for a loving and happy life with someone I cared for and who cared for me.

That person ended up fucking me over more than anyone else in my life has come close.

Yeah this is interesting.  My relationship was the first for me that didn't really start with sexual attraction.  We spent some time together as friends and fell in love.  Then the attraction came, but above anything else we were incredible friends and we were both guilty of letting many old friendships go because we had each other.  I know that she didn't fancy me at first - she's admitted it.  So I guess the fact that it went away again for her shouldn't surprise me.  I fancied her loads for most of the time that we were together, but that's probably because we had sex so infrequently.  Before we got together, I didn't really see her sexually.  And if she'd wanted it a lot I bet I would've gone off it, or at least found it harder to remain intersted. 

Having so little sex was upsetting when my sex drive was still very powerful, but in the grander scheme of things it didn't bother me too much.  We had a life, a family, dreams etc.  We are both in our mid 40s and I believed it was all part of having kids, getting older and being in a relationship that was never "all about sex".  

Part of the reason why she finished with me was because she wanted sex with other people.  You can imagine how that much that hurts after all those years together putting sex out of my mind for the sake of our family and friendship.
Reply
#76
p.s. It's difficult right now. I've come a long way and have been strong. I feel great. But she moved out at the weekend and due to the fact that we can't just have an instant clean break, she's coming and going from the house for at least the next few weeks. That makes me feel like the one left behind, which is tough. Tougher than I thought. A lot of the pain and the jealousy is back.
Reply
#77
(09-24-2018, 05:38 AM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Part of the reason why she finished with me was because she wanted sex with other people.  You can imagine how that much that hurts after all those years together putting sex out of my mind for the sake of our family and friendship.

Yeh I can imagine that is incredibly painful. Something that can eat you up if you allow yourself to think about too much.

Its strange but all the situations we find ourselves in are all handled differently by our perception. That is what I find so difficult because mine can change regularly. As you say Fatcat, her moving out has changed your perception and your negative emotions have returned.

Thats why this situation is so different to me. In the past where relationships gave come to a salty end I've just been able to go through the motions....mope, listen to music, rub one out, hit the gym and keep it moving. This is like a lifelong breakup because I can't remove her from my life.......even though I'd quite happily never see her again.
Reply
#78
LB mate, I totally understand.  I've said many times, if we didn't have kids me an her would've stopped talking 8 weeks ago. She would not be in my life now.  Her presence here would've been erased.  But I can't do that.  And this is an example of why it's so tough - I saw a scrap of paper today where she'd written down the password for her new broadband account.  I swear it is the name of the guy she's having an affair with who she keeps telling me she's split up with and I never believe her.

Gimme a few days.  I've kept the house.  She has signed a contract on a new place which makes it her main residence. Yey!  (funnily enough, I noticed her 2-bed flat was nearly £100 pm more than she said it was, which mitigates the saving she said she was making over renting a suitable 3-bed house, so I'm unimpressed).  Still,  I need to give her a few weeks to move over properly before I get stricter about keeping my own personal space.  This house is full of memories, but we've only been here 4 years and the memories aren't undoable.  I've got to decide whether to keep it or move on.  If I move, it's expensive, and this is a good house in a lovely village.  If I fix it up in my own taste I might fall back in love with it.
Reply
#79
Hi LB. You wrote: "Its strange but all the situations we find ourselves in are all handled differently by our perception. That is what I find so difficult because mine can change regularly." Spot on for me too. A lot of the time I am looking at 2 completely opposite views of the same situation and trying to work out which is the right one. After I work it out I change my mind and the whole process starts again. It completely does my head in.

Hi fatcat. You wrote: "I saw a scrap of paper today where she'd written down the password for her new broadband account. I swear it is the name of the guy she's having an affair with who she keeps telling me she's split up with and I never believe her." That's hardly an indication of a mature relationship that stands a chance of lasting. She's going to find herself on her own when it suits him. Question: as she's leaving you and getting her on place why does she need to keep telling you she's not seeing him?
Reply
#80
Hi Jim,

She's an odd one. She'll come across to many people as a mature, well-rounded individual but she's anything but. She's a child and she's got a lot of lessons to learn now. The first thing she's done at the new place is crash the car that I've just signed over to her. Ok, could happen to anyone but it's just typical.

The last I heard of this guy, she told me he turned out to be a prick. But she's been going out dead-on 10.30 each night to call somebody and I'm just not convinced. She told me he was married a few days after I first found out to make me think it was definitely over, so I can't trust a thing she says. Unless of course there are 2 or more people on the scene. Once she's no longer in my face everyday it won't matter. I'll be a lot more focused on myself.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)