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When did the emotional "fog" lift for you?
#1
Something I wasn't expecting has happened over the last couple of weeks so thought I'd ask when your moments came.

I'm coming up to 3 months into my split (still living in the home with her & our two boys, I'm taking the refuse to leave avenue until we've agreed on what happens next).

The first month I was a wreck. Barely eating (lost over a stone in weight), barely sleeping & that was affecting my performance at work massively. All I was hell bent on was how I could rectify things with her & get her back (I have to accept a fair degree of responsibily in our split & took a lot of time to self reflect).

The second month turned to anger. That's when I saw a solicitor as her intentions became clear & that was to fleece me for everything she could & get the maximum she could out of this & live happily ever after with our boys in the house while I skint myself in a rented flat.

The last 2 weeks or so have been a bit weird.

My mental state seems to have completely changed & the thought of being with her (as a couple, sex etc) no longer does anything for me.

I've started (possibly a bit prematurely but as we're not married, I'm hoping for a minimum of a 60/40 split on the house) looking at houses I could potentially afford, thinking things like "shit, that piece of artwork I fancied for the wall which she hated, that film she'd refused to watch with me, the Pink Floyd albums she won't let me play, the museums I'd like to take my boys to, the glare I get when I feel like popping out for a pint", all these things I may actually be able to do when this is all done & dusted.

I honestly don't know if the last couple of weeks have actually produced a "Eureka" moment for me or whether my mind is playing tricks & just gone into some kind of self preservation mode which will bite me on the arse again soon.

When did your moments (if they ever did) come?
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#2
i think sub conciously you have accepted the situation that you are no longer getting back together. they say its a roller coaster ride, but be careful a woman can do things that can drag you back down again especially if you allow them to play on your heartstrings and they play games. christmas time is normally when it can hit you hard but if you keep plodding how you are you should be ok.
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#3
Dan mate, I have a lot to say on this. Not least because I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan as well! If I get time once the kids are asleep, I'll write more.
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#4
Thought it was - 4 months
Actually was - 12 months
Really was in a way my life was genuinely together and Inhad actually moved on - 18 months
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#5
Ok Dan.  So many similarities here but the 3-month thing is actually recognised in psychology, as are some of the stages of grief you've mentioned - denial, anger, bargaining.

Roughly speaking, it's meant to take 11-12 weeks for a mentally healthy person to get over the initial shock and accept what's happening. You then grieve for anything from 6 months to 2 years or more depending on how traumatic the split was.  I've read this in many places and been told by my own counsellor.

I'm also 3 months in.  3.5 to be precise.  I don't know about you but it feels like a year already.  I can't rememeber what it felt like before this started on 1/6.  I thought for ages that I could fix it.  I found out she was sleeping with another man and had been in love with him before we split up about 7 weeks into the split.  Even then, I made it clear that the door was still open and repeatedly asked her to be sure it was what she wanted.  There have been so many ups and downs along the way, it has been impossible to make a decision and stick with it.  Many times over those 3.5 months, I've said I'm through and I'm moving on, but she always kept me guessing and hanging on.  

Several things happened around the 3 month mark.  The guy had already dumped her.  I went on a date , perhaps against my better judgement but it was a friend of a friend with many common interests so I went.  And she turned out to be lovely and I'm still in touch with her.  I was also thinking much more about myself and felt more in control.  My ex had accepted that she couldn't keep the house and that I hadnt' been trying to rip her off.  She can't buy me out and nobody will help her.  Initially we weren't communicating and we were both getting paranoid, but then we started talking and it was clear that neither party wanted to screw the other as it would only damage their relationship with the kids, which would be grossly unfair.  So this eased teh stress.  But then I found out that she'd continued  to lie to me to manipulate me and keep me onside.   She was still seeing the guy.  I was able to take a step back and see her for the type of person she was and I reckon I just fell out of love with her.  I didn't give a shit anymore and decided not to accept anything she said as being truthful.  Having something going with my date; having amazing friends around me; having a sense of freedom again.  I guess it all gave me the strength to think, "bollocks to you. I'm better than this" and with that I was done with her.  No going back.

I remember driving to work, thinking about going snowboarding on a glacier at half term and just thought, "OMG, I'm free!  I can do whatever I want without having to explain myself to anybody".  And it's true.  

My ex also thought I would just F-off out of the house I bought for us entirely on my own so that she could carry on living in dream land, not having to worry about money or work. It took her weeks... months to see the reality of the avalanche she had triggered.  When she told me she wanted to split up, she actually said she'd understand if I wanted to leave.  Utter idiot.  Not long after I found out about the affair I remember her saying... "we can't live in the same house.  I've asked lots of people and it doesn't work. " Well, dur!  I'd been making this clear since day 1 and she thought I was trying to control her and bully her.

Acceptance has not only come for me but I'm very excited about my future without her.  If you'd told me I'd be in this position now,  4 months ago, I would've laughed at you.  We were a couple that appeared to get on brilliantly and were very supportive of one another, but were a bit disenchanted with our lives as primary school parents.  But I was generally happy.  She can't have been. She met someone else who she really liked, and rather than shut it down, she pursued it.  Then came to me and said she had felt shit for years... what did I want to do about it!  She handled it like a 14-year-old.  But now I realise how unhappy I was as well.  I just wasn't ready to break up our family and certainly wouldn't have cheated on her, even though she starved me of sex for years and made me feel pretty shit about myself.

I'm interested in the split for your house.  Is 60/40 in your favour?  We're going 50/50 and haven't sought legal advice yet.  I bought the house entirely with my money and have paid for everything in it and every mortgage payment.  We aren't going to sell it immediately.  She's moving out first. And she's keen to.  I would've liked her to keep this house but I can't find a way without trapping myself for 10 years and leaving her responsible for paying a mortgage in my name. No way.

In the first few days, I thought I'd kill myself. My world utterly fell apart.  I also lost a stone in weight, of which I'm now glad because it's stayed off!  But hope came gradually, bit by bit, with plans, knowledge, support from friends, improved relationships with my kids, anticipating freedom, interest from new women, a great holiday with my kids that she never would've done, better fitness, vastly better social life, plans for trips abroad on my own and with friends. Sadly, I'm drinking more, but I've stopped for a few days just to show myself I don't need it and it's been fine.  I thought I was truly myself with her and that we loved one another enough to get us through anything.  Now I realise that I actually surpressed myself and bent to her ways and rules all the time. I was scared of upsetting her.  I hear many bad things about her now from friends and family that shock me. I put her on a pedestal she didn't deserve.  Yes, the fog is lifting for me.
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#6
(09-12-2018, 09:23 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: Ok Dan.  So many similarities here but the 3-month thing is actually recognised in psychology, as are some of the stages of grief you've mentioned - denial, anger, bargaining.

Roughly speaking, it's meant to take 11-12 weeks for a mentally healthy person to get over the initial shock and accept what's happening. You then grieve for anything from 6 months to 2 years or more depending on how traumatic the split was.  I've read this in many places and been told by my own counsellor.

I'm also 3 months in.  3.5 to be precise.  I don't know about you but it feels like a year already.  I can't rememeber what it felt like before this started on 1/6.  I thought for ages that I could fix it.  I found out she was sleeping with another man and had been in love with him before we split up about 7 weeks into the split.  Even then, I made it clear that the door was still open and repeatedly asked her to be sure it was what she wanted.  There have been so many ups and downs along the way, it has been impossible to make a decision and stick with it.  Many times over those 3.5 months, I've said I'm through and I'm moving on, but she always kept me guessing and hanging on.  

Several things happened around the 3 month mark.  The guy had already dumped her.  I went on a date , perhaps against my better judgement but it was a friend of a friend with many common interests so I went.  And she turned out to be lovely and I'm still in touch with her.  I was also thinking much more about myself and felt more in control.  My ex had accepted that she couldn't keep the house and that I hadnt' been trying to rip her off.  She can't buy me out and nobody will help her.  Initially we weren't communicating and we were both getting paranoid, but then we started talking and it was clear that neither party wanted to screw the other as it would only damage their relationship with the kids, which would be grossly unfair.  So this eased teh stress.  But then I found out that she'd continued  to lie to me to manipulate me and keep me onside.   She was still seeing the guy.  I was able to take a step back and see her for the type of person she was and I reckon I just fell out of love with her.  I didn't give a shit anymore and decided not to accept anything she said as being truthful.  Having something going with my date; having amazing friends around me; having a sense of freedom again.  I guess it all gave me the strength to think, "bollocks to you. I'm better than this" and with that I was done with her.  No going back.

I remember driving to work, thinking about going snowboarding on a glacier at half term and just thought, "OMG, I'm free!  I can do whatever I want without having to explain myself to anybody".  And it's true.  

My ex also thought I would just F-off out of the house I bought for us entirely on my own so that she could carry on living in dream land, not having to worry about money or work. It took her weeks... months to see the reality of the avalanche she had triggered.  When she told me she wanted to split up, she actually said she'd understand if I wanted to leave.  Utter idiot.  Not long after I found out about the affair I remember her saying... "we can't live in the same house.  I've asked lots of people and it doesn't work. " Well, dur!  I'd been making this clear since day 1 and she thought I was trying to control her and bully her.

Acceptance has not only come for me but I'm very excited about my future without her.  If you'd told me I'd be in this position now,  4 months ago, I would've laughed at you.  We were a couple that appeared to get on brilliantly and were very supportive of one another, but were a bit disenchanted with our lives as primary school parents.  But I was generally happy.  She can't have been. She met someone else who she really liked, and rather than shut it down, she pursued it.  Then came to me and said she had felt shit for years... what did I want to do about it!  She handled it like a 14-year-old.  But now I realise how unhappy I was as well.  I just wasn't ready to break up our family and certainly wouldn't have cheated on her, even though she starved me of sex for years and made me feel pretty shit about myself.

I'm interested in the split for your house.  Is 60/40 in your favour?  We're going 50/50 and haven't sought legal advice yet.  I bought the house entirely with my money and have paid for everything in it and every mortgage payment.  We aren't going to sell it immediately.  She's moving out first. And she's keen to.  I would've liked her to keep this house but I can't find a way without trapping myself for 10 years and leaving her responsible for paying a mortgage in my name. No way.

In the first few days, I thought I'd kill myself. My world utterly fell apart.  I also lost a stone in weight, of which I'm now glad because it's stayed off!  But hope came gradually, bit by bit, with plans, knowledge, support from friends, improved relationships with my kids, anticipating freedom, interest from new women, a great holiday with my kids that she never would've done, better fitness, vastly better social life, plans for trips abroad on my own and with friends. Sadly, I'm drinking more, but I've stopped for a few days just to show myself I don't need it and it's been fine.  I thought I was truly myself with her and that we loved one another enough to get us through anything.  Now I realise that I actually surpressed myself and bent to her ways and rules all the time. I was scared of upsetting her.  I hear many bad things about her now from friends and family that shock me. I put her on a pedestal she didn't deserve.  Yes, the fog is lifting for me.

I've been doing my maths over the last month or so &, with the advice from my solicitor about the unmarried status & the joint tenancy on the house, if we were to agree to sell then I'd go 60/40 in her favour. My salary is higher so my mortgage capabilities are more, with what I'd get from that & what she'd get, we'd both be able to buy our own places & I don't want to see her have to go rent a place with my boys. They deserve security & we'd all be better off in the long term with our money back in our own bricks & mortar again.

She did make some noises a few weeks back about buying me out (where the hell she'd get the cash from I have no idea but if she could then I don't care where it came from), that would have to be 50% of the equity though cos buggered if I'm letting her stay in this nice house without getting my fair share from it! The money will be of piss all use to me until I can get released from the mortgage though which the building society won't even look at until Feb 1st 2019 at the earliest (recent re-mortgage).

Back on the subject though, many thanks for that reply, really relates to the way I'm feeling right now (even down to the contemplating dating thing although I can't really see that being realistic until I'm out of this place & that won't happen until either it's sold or she's bought me out & I'm off the mortgage).

I'm also drinking a bit more at the mo, get home from work & I literally can't stand to be in the house with her so I bugger off down the pub for an hour or so. Gives me a bit of a social life though & she then buggers off out to her friends not long after I'm back (pretty much for the rest of the evening, she's there now as I type at 11pm) which gives me a bit of time with the boys & putting them to bed is always a nice time together.

I honestly think that when the time finally comes that I leave this place, the first bloody things I'm grabbing & getting out are my Pink Floyd vinyls!!
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#7
The story there is strikingly similar here too except I left Home thinking (hoping) we will get back together again. When she indicated that she is not willing to work this anymore, I was in shock, denial, crying, anger then came suicide/ pointless thought, especially given I had 2 young children and thiught of splitting the family. I spent first couple of months, trying to reconcile, ready to do everything she wants me to do. On the hindsight I believe that was counter productive ! She was having fun seeing me like this, her mission was somewhat accomplished. One day round about 3 month mark, I woke up and I told her I want divorce ! It was she who made the decision to dump me, I tried everything to work things out, so I let her live with that guilt of splitting the family for rest of her life. Around 4 months mark, I was getting my life back, good time with friends, amazing summer parties, lot of sports and lot fitter. I will do everything for my children and give them best of life.she can go to hell for all I care.
Really the tipping point is to find out whether she has moved on mentally or physically, then there is no point in hanging about. They would love you to try and fail !

Sean
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#8
Hi Dan,
I didn't realise you could be awarded something like 60/40.  In our case, it wouldn't equate to much and I'd probably fight it anyway on the basis that I put everything into the house with money I earned before we got together.  But in any case, I doubt she'd try to do it.  The legal fees would wipe out the additional equity. Plus she isn't ruthless like that.

I've got a FA who manages my pension who said he can help her get a mortgage.  There are plenty of shared ownership schemes too.   But she doesn't want to do that. Not yet at least.  I found her a good house in our village for £1200 a month which she can afford, but she is insisting she gets a flat for £700 a month to give her a chance to save some money. She doesn't want a sofa... a normal bed.  Ultimately it's up to her. I still see my counsellor and she reminds me that she isn't my problem now.  Millions of single parents live in flats and my ex is entitled to bring the kids up how she wants.  And I'll bring them up in my way at my house.  This is the reality though of couples splitting up.  We tried to be united in how we raised them. Now they'll get conflicting lessons.

For the first few weeks... months... and even some evenings now, I can't stand to be in the house.  I can't believe I'm actually excited about her moving out - never would've believed it a few months ago.  We have a village pub that I pop into.  I make phone calls and actually chat to regulars.  It's hilarious!  Never thought this would be me.  Also, there's a barmaid there with the hots for me, which is nice!

Don't think I own any vinyl these days but I'm keeping the Sonos.   This might even be the point at which I dump all my CDs.   Music was a massive joint love for both of us though so I've said I'll go halves with her on whatever new Sonos she wants for her place.   She's taking the original Prince Love Sexy poster, which is upsetting...I had it framed for her last year to sit on the wall of our living room-come-home cinema.

(09-12-2018, 11:05 PM)SeanS Wrote: Really the tipping point is to find out whether she has moved on mentally or physically, then there is no point in hanging about. They would love you to try and fail !

Sean

Both her sister and her sister's ex husband - 2 of my closest friends - said this to me.  They warned me that she had already moved on... perhaps months ago.  But I was still hanging on.  It was a harsh truth but if you can realise it, you know you only have one choice - to move on yourself.  It helped.

Everything else you write sounds exactly like me, except I haven't moved out.  As Dan said, if I'm left paying this mortgage I'm screwed until she wants to move on from the house. I won't leave here while my name is on the mortgage and my money is in the house.  I was doing fine before I got with this woman.  I was 31 with a lot of equity from a previous property and a modest pension.  Her whimsical nature and "free-spirit" youth and lifestyle have made me poor(ish) in my mid 40s.  She has contributed nothing financially to us or our future.  Bollocks to leaving empty handed.  She did this.  Thankfully I earn well, but I'll have a huge mortgage and will have to convince lenders I won't retire until I'm 75!
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#9
The talk of finance splitting is hopefully going to be agreed without the need to go to court (possibly I'm hoping too much here but if I offer in such a way that I can show her we'll both be able to buy another property she'll see the sense in that). Personally I'd be about £15k better off if she could buy me out but then we've got the getting me off the mortgage bridge to cross.

The initial talk was of the chargeback\mesher option but that will screw me entirely & when the house does get sold 10/11 years down the line & it'll be of piss all use to either of us as we'll be in our early 50's by then. In a nutshell, I've said bollocks to that option.

Was thinking about this subject while driving to work this morning & trying to figure out what has changed my feelings towards her. It suddenly dawned on me that all this thinking about the things I can do without her & with my own place I was missing one vital component, my boys. Never in a million years did I think she'd end up a single mother & me a weekend Dad, that brought the fog back down a bit. I can't imaging the thought of not saying "morning" to my boys as they're having breakfast, "bye" to them as I leave for work, "hello" to them when I get back & doing the rest of the evening Dad things. That got me back to thinking that she decided all of this & in doing so has also made the decision on the behalf of our boys too.

Perhaps it is some form of resentment masquerading as relief but all I can think about this morning is my boys & what they are going to do when finally told that Dad isn't going to be living with them anymore.

Damn.
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#10
The 'fog' has been slowly lifting for me since I left my STBXW back in March. I left as I was sick and tired of her being an emotional cripple and treating me like I was only there to pay the bills. I might as well have been living with a lump of wood for the lack of intimacy and passion. She made zero effort in the marriage for the previous 6-7 years and no matter how many times I said I was unhappy nothing ever changed. As is said, you're a long time dead and after a chat with a friend the night before I made my mind up that I was going to be happy again one way or another.

Like so many others, I've lost quite a bit of weight, about a stone and a half at the moment, although that's partially down to eating better and working out/running more. I'm actually getting close to the place where I like what I see in the mirror as much as my new GF does.

It took a while for the fog to shift, but I'd say roughly 3-4 months afterwards I woke up and the thought of her being with someone else no longer bothered me at all. I'd already met a wonderful new woman in my life at this point, and I realised how hypocritical it sounded that I was a bit bothered about her meeting someone too.

Good luck to them I say. I hope they enjoy living with someone who is incapable of contributing emotionally to a relationship.

I'm about as sure as I can be that she's seeing someone at the moment and keeping it quiet anyway, the fact that I rocked up to drop my eldest off from footy training last night and she was sitting in her car with her phone coming through the bluetooth system at 100db so I could clearly hear she was chatting to a guy didn't escape me. A few months ago I'd have probably jumped straight back in the car and driven off in a huff, last night it just felt awkward and I was a bit annoyed as it felt very staged to make sure I heard them chatting.

There are still a few more issues I'm working my way through mentally, but I'm doing it at my own pace and I'm happy with the progress I've had over the last 6 months or so.
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