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Split with my pregnant gf.
#1
Hi guys,

I recently broke up with my gf and she's 4 months pregnant now.
We met 6 months ago and within 2 months was pregnant.
Personally,I already have a boy aged 6 from a previous relationship who lives in Europe and I see him regularly through court judgement
made abroad.
So I was shocked that it was so early in the relationship.
We both decided to keep the baby and within the first month decided to take it easy between us in moving together too soon.
The problem is that we live two and half hours apart,I work long hours through agency to cover my bills,pay my child maintenance and travelling to see my son.
Recently and that on top of the pregnancy,she had serious problems to solve around her life.
And with the distance and work commitment I had,I haven't been around her much which it has caused problems between us.
I attended the first baby scan.
And then all of a sudden she became less flexible with my lifestyle and part of me thinks that's because may be I am coming and going as please to her and my involvement in gym and footy time.
I asked her to let me carry on with my routine and organise myself and make a plan.
She didn't agree and we had arguments after arguments.
It went beyond our relationship and her friends got involved as she put me once on loud speaker.(I guess for evidence of non involvement as she said).
She started to wrote texts to me stating I abused her mentally and affecting the unborn baby and wrote that she went to hospital due that reason.
As result to this things went downhill and being distant didn't help either.
Because of the nature of the text,I first distance myself from it and when I spoke to her after a week,we had another major argument and in it she mentioned that the baby will be born,I will only be able to see him/her through child contact Center...
She asked me not to contact her and hasn't replied to any text since or phone calls.
With a second scan coming up soon,I don't wether I am allowed to attend (as I have been told that I could violate her privacy) and even for the birth and the rest so I am a bit in limbo at the moment.
I am reading things on here about Parental Rights,name on birth certificate and all that.
I am really lost because it's going to be my first child in UK and I need a good guidance in how to organise myself should the pregnancy goes to terms (which I hope even though I am in this situation)
I have no contact with her since and we have no friends in common as well.
Any advice would be welcome.
Pls help.Thx
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#2
Hi Rinonino, welcome.

If she says she doesn't want you at the scan then sadly, that is her right. You aren't the parent until the child is born and you've gained parental responsibility. In terms of you being a parent, it does mean for you to be a decent parent you have to make changes in your life and put that child's welfare first, irrespective of how that may alter your current lifestyle.

You seem to be fairly clued up on why you think your girlfriend is acting as she is, and if you can recognise that, why aren't you prepared to do something about it? Doesn't she deserve your help and support at this time? Only you can really answer these questions to yourself, and depending on how you think about it then you have some decisions to make.

If the child is born OK, realistically what do you want to achieve from this? A life with your girlfriend, or life as a non resident parent? Do your plans for the future put the child's wellbeing before yours?

We can offer you plenty of advice and support, point you in the direction of information that you'll find helpful (Separated Dad's website is an excellent starting point), but first you have to decide how you want to move forward with this.
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#3
Hi,

Thanks for your advice,
What do you mean by you have gained parental responsibility?
I am happy to make changes to my life but we misunderstood each other in the beginning of what we want and in the end she suddenly changed and put more pressure which is understandable.
The fact that other people are getting involved doesn't help too tbh.
But since it happens,I have still no reply to text and call and I don't wanna keep doing it constantly just in case you have done me for harassment.
I spoke to a sollicitor who advice me to write a legal letter asking her to update me in anything to do with the pregnancy.
So I am torn between going the legal way which may sounds more rational or sorting things out with her involving a third party from my family if she accepts to talk or reply.
With my first child I went through similar experience and a lawyer involved for at least 4 years until today when it's finally settled and my boy suffered from this.
That's why I don't really wanna do it again.
Moving in together is an option but I can't decide that myself.
Even supporting her as you said if she agrees to talk to me.
I even sometimes feel insecure and start to think that she is settling a new relationship and try to keep me away to create a scenario.
Anyway,What happened with birth certificate if she doesn't wanna involved me?or not even want me at the birth?or anything else?is child contact centre a good place to see your baby child?
I know I am sounding insecure and emotional here but I am asking myself a lot question...
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#4
Hi there,

Gaining PR means being legally recognised as the father, this can be gained automatically or by filling in the relevant form and getting the court to ratify it. You'd gain it automatically if you are present when the child is registered and your name goes on the birth certificate. If the mum registers the child on her own, or doesn't agree to you being given PR then you'll have to make an application to the courts to be given PR. If she agrees to you getting PR then you download and print off a Parental Responsibility Agreement, fill it in and send it to the courts and once returned, you're recognised in law as the father.

Trying to solve your current problems would be best served by negotiation, but I appreciate that isn't always possible. Jaw jaw is better than war war. In other words direct informal negotiation is better than legal action. If you can't resolve it like that then legal is the only way to go. If you want to play a part in your future child's life you can, but if the mum is reluctant and blocks you any way she can, then you're going to have to be in it for the long haul.

As for contact centres, well they aren't an ideal place to develop a relationship with your child, but until a definitive order is sorted it will at least allow you the opportunity to spend time with your new offspring.

The advice your solicitor gave about writing a letter is a good place to start, but only if you can't solve it any other way. I wouldn't recommend using a solicitor to do it as if she thinks you're going legal on her it might make things more stressful for both of you. A direct personal approach would be better, asking to be involved in the process, but not demanding anything. Pregnancy can be a stressful time for the mum, and she needs support, not emotional aggro.

Only you can decide what's best in terms of your relationship with her, but as I said in my first response above, for you to be the best dad you can means changes, I don't mean that in a condescending way, it's just a statement of fact and something I had to learn when I became a Dad. I learnt the hard way, and it took two years and a lot of stress and heartache before I got the chance to be a proper dad to my daughter.
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#5
As I wrote you last night,

I tried calling her and with no answer,I texted asking about the pregnancy.
But I couldn't resist being emotional too.I particularly know that being needy isn't something that brings a woman back to you especially when upset has been made.
But I simply thought,wathever what she is doing or up to,I needed to remind her I wanted to chance and try and work the relationship again.
I know I have made mistakes,in fact we both have and said bad things to each other arguments.
In terms of timing,the last we saw each other was three weeks ago,and we argued even tough we were intimate.
I kind of saw a change of her in attitude and because of it became defensive as result.she also spoke about guys that were chasing her and made her feel special and even thinking of going on date as she had offers.
Looking realistically at it,I have only known this women since September last year so not long at all.she's older than me (I am 33 and she's 37) so there might be history that I am not aware of.she is also pregnant of her first child.So sometimes I also feel like having been just a sperm donor.I hope it's not just the case.
One reason I worry a lot,is that I have been through similar experience with the ex of my first child.
We were together for 7 years,we never lived together.my son was born after 5 years of relationship,was there at there at the birth and recognised as legal father and he's got my name.When we hit rock bottom,she found someone else and then she tried to take my son away form me when he was only two and the new hubby got involved in the business that wasn't his.
It took me 4 years of court battle to settle my rights and today I am travelling back to UK with my son aged 6 to spend Easter holiday with him.And I learned that fighting for it is always worth and my boy is with me as much as he is with her.The only person that still try trouble it's actually her partner in the back scene.
So if and only if she is settling a new relationship due to her silence,I am going through another same experience.
And because we are talking of an unborn child,there might also everything to grab for another man dependant on his circumstances,and therefore loads of influences.
And let's suppose it's the case,I can't see why she would want me around at scans or even birth,i even imagine the baby born passed through to some else harm playing daddy or her friends on the birthday.And me getting a text last when all the bussiness is done and giving her more proof to say that I wasn't around through because she is simply not communicating with me...
And accepting me given PR or register as father by law...
I am still thinking being around in hospital with a member of family as witness.
I might sounds like I am losing the plot writing this but I have been through it once already.
So I don't really wanna waste time but as you said pregnancy can be very stressful and hormonal so I am leaving the benefit of the doubt and carry on as normal.
How about asking a third party like a member of my family to contact her?
Once again thanks for your precious advice.
I am feeling much better as I am writing these lines as I can't really talk around and never been in forums before.
So it really helps me.
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#6
Asking someone from your own family might be a way forward, but only if your ex wants to negotiate. If she doesn't then it might be a pointless exercise.

Whilst I understand your insecurities,and those of your ex, I don't think turning up at the hospital on the day would be a good thing if she doesn't want you there. She could ask that you be removed from the hospital, and if you protested you bring the additional risk of the police being called to remove you. This in itself could go against you at a later date.

In my opinion, if the ex won't communicate and she doesn't want you involved at the moment then the best thing would be to wait and see what happens in the near future. Once your child is born then you can be more positive about the actions you can take to be involved with your child. Trying to initiate further contact if she asks you not to exposes you to the possibility of a Police Information Notice, which is a warning that your behaviour, if it continues, could be grounds for you to be charged with harassment. The notice itself has no legal meaning but the fact that it was issued could be grounds for proving that you knew your actions were undesired by your ex.

I know things look rather bleak, but give it time and see how things evolve over the coming months. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things don't always go your way, but there will be options available to you eventually.
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#7
Hi Good morning,

Following your last answer,there is still no contact that has been made with my ex.
I had a call from her four days ago and I answered,she put the phone down.
I have no social media contact with her like FB,Messenger but she was still on snapchat and was still able to look at me and vice versa.
When I had last a call from her and she didn't answer,I drove down to her place to try and break the ice but as no one was around,I left a note and a present.
Since then,total silence...
I have a feeling that she has started seeing someone.
We weren't married so I guess it's her right even tought it's not what I wanted but as you mentioned to me that it's best giving it a bit of time and see,am I not wasting time in staying put.
I mean I also prefer your vision jaw jaw better war war but will I not be wasting a precious time until birth?like her saying that I wasn't around or supportive at all and that go against you in the nearest future?i got the option of a legal letter but prefer to wait not to put too much stress on her.
I thought about myself writing her a letter and also a member of my family contacting her to avoid going the harassment route.
What's your opinion on that?plus when the offspring is there and she decided not to put me on birth certificate to have PR?can I apply at the court straight away?Supposing I am not hearing anything until birth,if she contacts me...
I would like to be supportive but there isn't much I can do tbh.
What can I do right now that can be in my favour...?

Many Thanks
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#8
(04-08-2016, 07:57 AM)Rinonino Wrote: Hi Good morning,

Following your last answer,there is still no contact that has been made with my ex.
I had a call from her four days ago and I answered,she put the phone down.
I have no social media contact with her like FB,Messenger but she was still on snapchat and was still able to look at me and vice versa.
When I had last a call from her and she didn't answer,I drove down to her place to try and break the ice but as no one was around,I left a note and a present.
Since then,total silence...
I have a feeling that she has started seeing someone.
We weren't married so I guess it's her right even tought it's not what I wanted but as you mentioned to me that it's best giving it a bit of time and see,am I not wasting time in staying put.
I mean I also prefer your vision jaw jaw better war war but will I not be wasting a precious time until birth?like her saying that I wasn't around or supportive at all and that go against you in the nearest future?i got the option of a legal letter but prefer to wait not to put too much stress on her.
I thought about myself writing her a letter and also a member of my family contacting her to avoid going the harassment route.
What's your opinion on that?plus when the offspring is there and she decided not to put me on birth certificate to have PR?can I apply at the court straight away?Supposing I am not hearing anything until birth,if she contacts me...
I would like to be supportive but there isn't much I can do tbh.
What can I do right now that can be in my favour...?

Many Thanks

The first thing is you are currently paying Child Maitanance for a child who lives outside the UK. Is this by a court order (regadless of where in the world it is)? If so make sure you have access to a copy of that order, or if there is not one, get prove of what you pay and when.  You might need to prove this if you can not agree Child Support with her.

Keep any texts you have where she is claiming your abusing her. It looks to me that she is going to claim this as a reason for you to have to just have contact in a centre. If this does happen, it will only be until her claims are investigated, and the reason why I am saying keep prove of her claims, is your defence of her claims might be if it did happen months ago, how come she never reported you to the Police. Without any prove from her, unless there is anything in your background of concern you will be able to get staying contact. Like Norfolk said, you need to get PR first.

Once the child is born, if you have any concerns about her ability to look after the child, contact the Childrens Services in the area she lives in. Tell them your willing to work with them, to establish the best thing for your child. At first they will normally look at what if any support they can offer her.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#9
My first child is from Belgium and I have access in weekend in fortnight and holidays like the last gone.
I also detained proof of maintenance with me and all has been done by court order.
The last three text I sent her was one of apology which I now realise it was stupid as I might have digged a hole for myself and everything can be misinterpreted.
And last one was asking about pregnancy plus card left at her door when she rang and put the phone down on me which I have her incoming call still left on my phone.
I don't really know what she is playing at...Because to me no contact is no contact...
I know she is advancing herself by writing text but how can I be abusiving while we are not even talking?
I would she is behaving unreasonably by not updating me or miscalling.
How can I apply for PR as soon the baby is there?i have no bad record at all in UK having lived here since 2009...
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#10
(04-08-2016, 12:01 PM)Rinonino Wrote: My first child is from Belgium and I have access in weekend in fortnight and holidays like the last gone.
I also detained proof of maintenance with me and all has been done by court order.
The last three text I sent her was one of apology which I now realise it was stupid as I might have digged a hole for myself and everything can be misinterpreted.
And last one was asking about pregnancy plus card left at her door when she rang and put the phone down on me which I have her incoming call still left on my phone.
I don't really know what she is playing at...Because to me no contact is no contact...
I know she is advancing herself by writing text but how can I be abusiving while we are not even talking?
I would she is behaving unreasonably by not updating me or miscalling.
How can I apply for PR as soon the baby is there?i have no bad record at all in UK having lived here since 2009...
PR can be obtained by you going with her, to register the birth or if she does not allow that, by court application soon as baby is born.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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