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Advice Please!! - Help
(09-18-2018, 03:32 PM)Living Bate Wrote:
(09-18-2018, 03:03 PM)MartiB Wrote: WHat i am struggling the most with is the emotional side and the mental side of things

What you are going through is a traumatic experience, and not something that is easy to overcome.

I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, panicking and unable to get back to sleep. Just thinking about the madness of it all and how much i miss my daughter / worry for the future.

It is a very dark place, but you've just got to hold on.

Yep, done this
Been here too... Stick in there, it DOES get easier!
So things are difficult - the law in Scotland is slightly better if its your name on the deeds, but the message is don't move out. If I might suggest some coping strategies and pitfalls to watch for:

She will want to get back with you when she realises her mistake, you need to work out yourself if this is appropriate and get to that stage soon, my ex wife seriously thought I'd stay with her after I found out about her affair as I'm a 'nice guy' but she then turned around again and again on this to the point where I couldn't risk it. If she can stop NOW, and commit to you NOW that she wants it to work then it might be worth saving.

You need to find inner strength, if you are religious then get into it, if not then you will need to get strong yourself, here's how:

1) Practically remove yourself as much as you can, move your clothes to the spare room and all your crap too.
2) See the GP about getting some medication to help sleep or calm your nerves.
3) Change the words that keep going around in your head from 'how could she do this to me/I loved you so much/what about our future together etc etc' to 'you will rue the day/I will be the better man/I'm moving on and will win etc etc'
4) Follow the 180, either way things turn out, this is a good thing to do:
5) Get busy, keep your mind off her, focus on doing stuff with the kids, or friends, join a club or even better go to the gym.
6) Get fit, your body is struggling to keep up with the adrenaline pumping around it, you are in prolonged fight or flight mode and it is literally debilitating you, doing some exercise will start to moderate that feeling and help you sleep, fitness also gives you a long term target to aim for, which will be useful when you start dating, most likely in a few months.
7) Ditch the drink, drugs and even the coffee, they may well amplify anxiety.
8) Start learning simple meditative techniques, one to start the day with will genuinely help, Google 'stoic morning ritual', its easy and will help.

Sorry buddy - meant to add that this is shit, and what she has done to you is rotten and you didn't and don't deserve this at all. On this site you now have dozens of people who know what you're going through and who are willing you on and want you to do well....
She has said to me today that she is going to see a house at the weekend, it is close by and is easy for the kids to goto same school and also still have the easyness to stay with me thru the week etc and weekends when we get down to planning this.
I told her today that i am out Friday night.. That's all i said.
Her reply to me.
Overnight or just out?

I never replied to that request for information.
I have looked at the-180 - Going to Try it.
Gonna be fuken hard though.... a tell ya
I have said very little to her last 2x days, been a little cold and not spoken to her..
From what i have read, i should be normal with her and not be like this..
She has said she is going out tonight for a while, but i never responded to that.
100% she is out with her MAN.. That is very tough to block out, and when i am in the house tonight with the KIDS i have to deal with that knocking about in my mind etc and when i goto bed and she may not be in.
How the hell do you live with that shit going on in your head and body... That's tuff!!
You detach - you have to or you're going to carry this around for life. What she does, with who, and when - was never anything to do with you any way. She is her own person who makes her own decisions and decides who to screw - or not. She never was yours to dictate to or to get annoyed about.

Facts on the ground have forced you to see that sooner than you may have liked to however. You will have to work hard on yourself to get over it. Recommended books in the links in my footer. Good luck.
Marti, I sympathise and know how you feel.  But it does get easier. The 180 helps because you really start to care about yourself and you'll  appreciate your freedom, in the same way that she is already enjoying yours.  That's why it's a win win technique.  I actually started doing it before I read about it or heard of it. I kinda knew it was the right thing to do anyway.

I agree with what Tamagoto has written above. It's painful and very hard to get into your head during these early days, but no-one belongs to anybody.  If she fell in love with you she has it in her to fall in love with someone else. I've been through some awful times recently, losing a partner I realised I'd obsessed about and was terrified of losing for years.  But she was never "mine".  I was never hers.  I have my own values and how she has behaved does not sit well with them. But they are not her values and she was, and is, free to do what she pleases.  And she has done.  She caused my hurt but she isn't responsible for fixing it.  You could argue that, if she cares, she could be sympathetic towards my feelings and appreciate how much she's hurt me.  It's up to her though.

I still live with my ex, at least for another few days. On Sunday night she went out with somebody and for the first time didn't tell me who.  Previously she always did or at least lied.  I didn't ask.  I asked where she was going but didn't make a big deal of it.  Just said "take care".  Didn't ask her anything the next morning. It was a big step in moving on.  I don't want her to know what I'm doing anymore either.  My life, my freedom now.
Good call.

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