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Advice Please!! - Help
#1
HI Guys, First POST, so be gentle..
I have read thru what you have all being going thru and what your Experiences are. WAW... how close to what i am going thru right now are your stories.. Seriously identical!!
I am 44 & have been married for 15 years with 3 KIDS together & ai am still in the same house as her. We are seperated, her choice to do this, her decision etc
My wife is 40 "Just Turned In JUNE" told me 3 weeks ago now that she had a One night stand. I had to beg her to tell me this, as I had the horrible feeling something was going on and she confirmed it. The sec she told me, my whole life fell apart right in front of me.
I am 3-4 weeks into this seperation, and I feel like total SHIT all day and every day. Living a complete nightmare all day and work and in the house and weekends etc.
She is seeing someone else now, as in she has said they are just good friends and nothing physical has happened YET.. I do not believe her and think she has been seeing this guy for a while.Killing me the thought of it all.
I have seen his details on FB, and he is a complete Fuk whit by the looks. The Pics he has and the way he has put himself on there is shocking. But, that is not the reason i wanted to explain things, that's me just getting HURT here and saying.. WHY etc
My question here is WTF do i do, and how do i work this being in the same house as her and the KIDS.
She has said that we can live in house as FRIENDS, I am really not handling this, as i Still love her and still care and look at her and want to be nice etc to try and show her what she is losing. Deep down, I know i have probs lost her. She keeps saying we need time apart etc, and she does not know if she will regret what she is doing and want me back in time.
I can't handle that way of working, i feel she is just wanting to have options... 
The house is in my name & my mortgage, and she has not worked as she has been the mother staying at home looking after kids.
They are all at School now.
She has also started a 4 year degree course at UNI, and this was in the plans before the SPLIT.
Deep down, she is living this life style / midlife crisis thing etc, I really do not know & has a guy who lives in a SHIT area in town and from what i can see.... Has fuk all to give her.
I need advice, as i am slowly going insane and worry for my health and my KIDS.
How do i act towards her, and what is best way to move forward..
Looking at a flat to move into, but i am still in the Mind... WHY... I have put everything financial into the house etc
The thought of not seeing my kids in the morning, night and anytime etc KILLS ME.
Help!!  [Image: heart.png]
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#2
OK - First thing to do is to work out with her whether its worth saving, it may be if she realises, and a lot of people here will tell you, that the woman wants a bit of fun, (the grass is greener) they want to separate thinking they'll be OK with money and housing, and have some fun, but it seldom turns out that way. The new man is a tosser who provides a bit of fun and then the spouse realises they've made a massive mistake. Several guys on here will testify to this, and if you ask around your friends and hers they will back this up to with their own stories.

If its worth saving then you need couples counselling to sort things out, try this if at all possible as the alternative is a shit-storm of misery and money worries for months to come. It is really important that you come to the decision point about it being worth saving (or not) as soon as possible, if she cant commit to this within say a week then your marriage is over. If you want it to work try the 180 approach and see if that woos her back, if it doesn't then the 180 approach is your first step towards being single.

If its over then you need to begin divorce proceedings straight away, very soon, on grounds of her adultery, it costs £550 to get the ball rolling.

In the short term you need to get your head around what has happened, you are displaying all the signs of anxiety, so you might want to have a look at this:

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/thread-6143.html

Elsewhere you'll see self help books promoted about staying strong through hard times, read them, they may well help, 'The Obstacle is the Way' is my favourite. You also need to stop thinking of her as your partner or friend, this is really difficult, but just avoid any contact with her, avoid her in the house, try to time things so you don't spend time with her, delete her from social media, its your house and that's a useful thing for you, but draw up a timetable of who does what.

She may start the whole 'lets be friends' and sometimes flirting with you whilst sleeping with someone else, ignore this, she wants want you as a back-up, so don't be pussy-whipped into being a stunt-cock who pays for everything, provides her with solace and minds the kids while she is out having 'fun'.... Do not think of her as your friend as a friend wouldn't do what she has done.

Information is knowledge so start reading up on separation and children etc, this will make you feel better and help you have a 'plan'. Lastly, know that it will get better, your kids need a strong dad, and you will be strong and there for them, its a long road but you will get there because that's what's dads do!
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#3
Sorry to hear about this. From what you've said I would guess that the marriage is probably over.
She's probably withholding a lot more than she's saying

My advice would be

Don't Move Out
Google 'doing the 180'
Don't Move Out
See a solicitor
Don't Move Out
Avoid Confrontation - record/document everything
Don't Move out
See your GP
Don't Move Out
Stay off FB - unfriend her
Don't Move Out
Separate financially - joint accounts,credit cards...

Did I say - Don't Move Out
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#4
Hey Watsa64 - why is it important for MartiB not to move out?
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#5
Thanks for the ADVICE..
I am living a Human HELL right now in the House and being in the house with her and seeing her every day etc.
I still have the feelings for her i had before, and this is making it sooo hard for me.
I am up & down all the time and LOW and struggle to concentrate etc and do things i would normally do without any problem.
My life has been totally smashed within 1x day.
She has been spoiled in her life by me, that i can see etc and has everything that she has ever wanted and has.
I need to know how to ACT in the house and with her and Treat her in general. I need to have some sort of way with her going forward
If i stay in the house, what benefit is this to me and my mental state and health, mind etc...
I worry that i am going to go insane.
I would have never dreamt in my life this was going to be this hard and feel what i am feeling right now.
I would not wish this SHIT on anyone in life, it is horrible & the worst thing ever!"!"!"
Why should i not move out?
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#6
You won't get your house back if you move out.  She'll stay there with the kids until they're adults.  I've been strict about this with my stbx - while my name is on the mortgage and my money is in the house, I will not leave.  I have a right to my own life and happiness and I can't have that if I'm broke with no ability to move on and start again.  If I don't buy another place now, I'll never own my own house again.  Hardly fair given that she can afford to buy a place if she'd like to.

My situation is very similar to yours, but I'm almost at 4 months.  What Sandman says in his first reply is very helpful and accurate. My ex - my best friend of 13 years, love of my life, mother of our 3 kids, my supporter, the woman I doted on, the woman I held as she gave birth in our home 3 times etc etc... She fell in love with somebody else and was shagging him, lying to me, manipulating me.  When things weren't good, she'd be all over me.  She spoke about how much she loved me and said she might have made an awful mistake.  She's kept me dangling on, ups and downs, manipulating me, for almost 4 months.  About 3 weeks ago more lies came out and that's when I mentally turned on my heel.  A full 180.  I haven't been perfect - we're getting on really well at the moment, for example, and I'm probably being friendlier with her than is good for me.  But she's leaving at the weekend.

Try to keep a cool her in front of her and the kids.  I still wonder whether our relationship can be saved, but she isn't trying to save it at the moment so separation has to happen.  She still wants me to be there when she needs me... even to take them all on holiday at Xmas!  It's a tough thing to see yourself as single after all these years and to recognise that you're being used and to protect yourself, but it'll begin to get easier.  I just ignore her now when she makes unreasonable requests and change the subject.


By the way, the bloke turned out to be a prick - her words.  5 months after she met him, she told me this as if she'd been to the cinema and seen a sub-standard film.  That's what happens.  She wanted to fall in love with someone.  He wanted to shag someone.  She's an idiot... possibly the most gullible person I know and she's 45!
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#7
You can stay in the house but not in the bed.

If you move out you will never get the damned thing back and you'll never get equal access to your kids.

In my opinion once a relationship has gone this far - it's fucked, I wouldn't repair it, instead I would thoughtfully and consciously separate from them one step at a time. There are, literally, millions of women out there, chances of one of them being nicer than your ex are quite high.

You will hear every horror story under the sun in this forum - my wife had an affair with one of my best friends for 6 months, chucked me out of my house, made false assault allegations against me, had me locked up twice, is now having a baby with the flat mate of the guy she left me for. Took £35K in legal costs, £45K in equity and 18 months total.

Read the two links in my signature at the bottom of every one of my posts. Especially, PLEASE get the books
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#8
(09-18-2018, 02:30 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: You won't get your house back if you move out.  She'll stay there with the kids until they're adults.  I've been strict about this with my stbx - while my name is on the mortgage and my money is in the house, I will not leave.  I have a right to my own life and happiness and I can't have that if I'm broke with no ability to move on and start again.  If I don't buy another place now, I'll never own my own house again.  Hardly fair given that she can afford to buy a place if she'd like to.

My situation is very similar to yours, but I'm almost at 4 months.  What Sandman says in his first reply is very helpful and accurate. My ex - my best friend of 13 years, love of my life, mother of our 3 kids, my supporter, the woman I doted on, the woman I held as she gave birth in our home 3 times etc etc... She fell in love with somebody else and was shagging him, lying to me, manipulating me.  When things weren't good, she'd be all over me.  She spoke about how much she loved me and said she might have made an awful mistake.  She's kept me dangling on, ups and downs, manipulating me, for almost 4 months.  About 3 weeks ago more lies came out and that's when I mentally turned on my heel.  A full 180.  I haven't been perfect - we're getting on really well at the moment, for example, and I'm probably being friendlier with her than is good for me.  But she's leaving at the weekend.

Try to keep a cool her in front of her and the kids.  I still wonder whether our relationship can be saved, but she isn't trying to save it at the moment so separation has to happen.  She still wants me to be there when she needs me... even to take them all on holiday at Xmas!  It's a tough thing to see yourself as single after all these years and to recognise that you're being used and to protect yourself, but it'll begin to get easier.  I just ignore her now when she makes unreasonable requests and change the subject.

By the way, the bloke turned out to be a prick - her words.  5 months after she met him, she told me this as if she'd been to the cinema and seen a sub-standard film.  That's what happens.  She wanted to fall in love with someone.  He wanted to shag someone.  She's an idiot... possibly the most gullible person I know and she's 45!
Your Situaation sounds very much like mine right now.
She is seeing another guy, keeps tell me they are good friends and nothing physical has happened.
I have to stomach it when she goes out and stuff, as si know she is probs seeing him while saying other things to keep me sane and not get me depressed and upset.
We are seperated, I understand this and this was her doing etc.
WHat i am struggling the most with is the emotional side and the mental side of things and how to over come these feelings and thoughts and how to do with her in the house when we are together at night or other times.
I sleep in another area of the house, and we swap sometimes that i have the bed and she sleeps in the other room.
I have been nice, i have been angry, i have been nasty and i have been quite. All make me feel like utter shit at the end and i always turn to being nice again and keep the piece
I feel guilty if i am hard or nasty or start to say something i do not agree with.
It a feken nightmare and just not sure the best way etc..
I think i can confirm from what you are saying. Do Not Move OUT the house and grom and bare it, just doi not leave.
How long do i need to stay in the house etc. I am in Scotland, so the laws are slightly different up here to English LAW..
From next week, we are going 50/50 on everything inc mortgage and bills. She does not work, so fuk knows how she is gonna get the funds outwith her benefits and child stuff she gets to pay for her half.
Luckily i have a goof job and make not bad ££, and the mortgage is only now at 500 a month...
I thought about buying her out of the house, i asked her about it.
She is not willing to move out unless she gets a place close by for the kids school etc and friends.. and she will be getting a place with the kids and on the social as she has no JOB and is going to UNI for 4 years at the age of 40... with 3 KIDS 6,8 & 12.. MAD!!!
It's a fuken mess. Head Exploding too and it's good i have a place like this to talk to other guys in the same boat or have been in the same boat, always thought these places where all setup for WOMAN only and helping them....
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#9
oh my how the story is the same..

I did move out...I have lost the house and ALL of the equity...do not lose you rag with her or you will be turfed out by the police, the odds are stacked against you but it will get better...

my Ex said she was living her life again, gigs, new men friends..funny none have stuck around, tattoos and would you believe it doing a degree...someone I know was actually advised to go to Uni as a way of getting more money from their ex by a solicitor...makes you wonder if they have been advised and have been plotting all along.
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#10
(09-18-2018, 03:03 PM)MartiB Wrote: WHat i am struggling the most with is the emotional side and the mental side of things

What you are going through is a traumatic experience, and not something that is easy to overcome.

I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, panicking and unable to get back to sleep. Just thinking about the madness of it all and how much i miss my daughter / worry for the future.

It is a very dark place, but you've just got to hold on.
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