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What is happening to our wives?!
#1
Has anybody thought: “what is actually happening to our wives?!”.  

For the last 9 months I’ve tried every variation on the “wife changed overnight” google search string and been unsatisfied with the results.  So it’s nice to finally discover this forum and read the stories on here because, although I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, it’s good to know I’m not the only one going through this.  I like to think I’m quite good at the internet so I’m surprised it took me so long to find this site!  Saying that, I met my wife on the internet so …

We all are on our own journey of discovery around what went wrong to lead us here.  The thing I am still struggling so much with is the behaviour of my wife since the day she announced she wanted a separation.  My situation is nowhere near as bad as the ones I read about here with the false rape / domestic violence allegations, but my wife is on that spectrum.

I believe my marriage broke down due to a combination of bad communication and differences in our ideas of what it means to be married and what it means to be happy / content.  Like many of you, I consider myself a good guy.  I am a very hands-on dad, I do a lot of the housework and all of the earning.  We rarely argued (in hindsight - part of the problem!) and there was certainly no infidelity or physical abuse.  But her behaviour since this all happened makes me feel like I’m guilty of all of those things.  This is made harder by the fact that the day before the announcement I was 100% happy with my marriage and family.  OK maybe 85%.  But, that was pretty good in my book!

She never wanted to try and work out finances amicably, preferring to go straight to solicitors.  She talks to me like I’m a business associate who she has just met, and doesn’t like very much.  "Luckily" I’m seeing my kids 50% of the time, but I think a lot of that is because she values her free time without them, not out of any kind of compassion.

What is it about our wives that make them feel like they are entitled to treat us this way?
Should we be sympathetic to their behaviour - like they have some mental / emotional problem that they can’t control?
It’s hard to be sympathetic when the results are false allegations, and withholding of access to our children.  I really feel for men who are going through this in addition to everything else.  It must be agony.

Men seem to own their mistakes a bit more when they are the ones that initiate a separation.  Is this complete rubbish?  I don’t want to open up a can of misogynistic worms here, but I would like to try and understand my wife a bit more, because I think it will benefit me!
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#2
Welcome. Here's my take on it. Tomogato mentions that people aren't meant to mate for life, that's part of it, I know that women hit their sexual peak in their mid to late 30's, about the same time as the kids are growing up and we men are hitting 40 and like you have said, we men are busting our balls at work, helping around the house, looking after the kids. The wives feel 'ignored' - they aren't, men are showing them the greatest kind of love, a sort of, 'I work and everything I do is for you and the kids' kinda love.

Our wives are part time at work after raising the kids, are good on the internet/phones and talk with friends and voila, they realise a whole world of opportunity awaits them, for them to get some 'attention', remember we are working so hard we cant give them the Facebook worthy aspirational attention giving lifestyles they see on there. And so they have an affair, our wives are still hot and gagging for it and they're bored with us (the grass is now greener) and we're knackered.

To justify their affairs they generate a narrative in their minds about how we control them, how we limited their lives, they believe the tripe to justify their bad behaviour. When they get caught or in anticipation of getting caught they realise they are going to mess things up with the kids, lose the house, live in a shoebox at the side of the road and they then enter 'combat mode' where the ends justify the means, which means lying and generally treating people badly in order to get a roof over the kids and their heads. Remember in cave man times women survive on how the communicate to survive, whilst men resort to force and coercion.

I think this means that women are to a degree more narcissistic than men, they need to be as part of their survival mechanism, so a characteristic, but it turns into a mental health problem as far as we're concerned.

Had I known about this when I was 30 I would have lived my life slightly differently and hopefully avoided this, but I was working away and grafting like a lunatic to bring her home the money..... I had it easy in comparison, my wife had an affair for 8 years while I was working away and couldn't have been better at the separation.
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#3
If i can offer a piece of advice, stop trying to understand who or why she changed and what caused the breakdown of your marriage because you will never ever know and waste your time effort and emotions in doing so.

Like you i deal with my ex wife regularly as we have 2 kids and even now after 3 years i have lots of moments where i wonder who she is and how she has changed so much as she really is a different person to the one i knew and married.
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#4
(09-25-2018, 06:18 AM)mikec Wrote: I met my wife on the internet

It kinda struck me when all this shit kicked off that this is potential issue.

In the past when I was starting a relationship I generally had a point of reference. It might be I met her through a friends girlfriend, or someone I met at work and we established mutual friends, someone i met at a party, someone i'd known since school etc. With the internet thing, you meet a woman who has a history that can be told in the manner in which she wants you to hear it.

I suspect my ex has prior for making strong commitments to someone and then just fucking them off at the drop of a hat. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's been married or had a kid with anyone else, but I do think she's got deep into a relationship and just ended it abruptly.

The casual and nonchalant way in which her family have reacted to it makes me think they've seen it before. And the way the ex seems to expect me to just walk away from it is also making me think its something she just generally does. Except i'm trying to point out to her that it won't be happening because this time its a little bit different (as much as i'd like to just bin her and never see her again).

Having respective friends and family that are pretty much sticking in each others corners and not helping means we are dealing with the whole thing independently. If we'd met through a mutual friend we might have someone who's there to make this thing more reasonable but we didn't, its just a split down the middle on loyalty - and the silence is deafening. 

I know the ex was taking antidepressants and I'm thinking maybe in the past when she's stopped taking them similar outcomes might have occurred. She is now a completely different person to the one I fell in love with and married. She's fucking horrible.
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#5
Thanks for your responses - some good insight here, a lot of it relatable to my situation. This idea of them creating a narrative to justify their actions I find pretty abhorrent but this seems to have happened in my case. It also makes them impossible to reason with. How do you reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into etc. Also, her family have walked away from me like I never existed - I did try and get in touch with a mutual friend (woman) for some answers, but that fizzled out after I think my wife found out and shut it down!

I’d like someone to now tell me that this behaviour, however immoral / unjust for us, doesn’t affect her ability to love and care for our children. I’ve lost a lot of confidence in my judgement from this. I didn’t say in my original post, but we were together for 10+ years. I feel guilty for my kids, but I’ll feel better if I know it’s only me she now can’t stand, and she is completely together in every other aspect of her life!
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#6
(09-25-2018, 09:10 AM)mikec Wrote: her family have walked away from me like I never existed - I did try and get in touch with a mutual friend (woman) for some answers, but that fizzled out after I think my wife found out and shut it down!

I did the same....I reached out to her dad, her dads partner and one of her friends (i guess she was mutual when we were still together, but now we've spilt she is no longer mutual).

I think they all went back to her and she told them to ignore me.....which they very much have...
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#7
Hi Mike,

I'd like to add a lot to this post but don't have time immediately.  But the narrative - yes, this is a thing.  My ex partner has got everything straight in her mind. She actually told me at one point that she was furious with me about loads of things.  She deluded herself that the break up was in some way mutual...even my fault at one point.  The truth is that she came to me and said she wanted to be the woman she was 25 years ago. To go out and meet new people and it if sexual encounters came along then so be it.  Sex was a vital part of her creativity and she had a huge "creative void".  She didnt' want to have to come home and be a "good wife".  Oh, and her affair?  Nothing to do with us splitting up. "It just happened". It was "just a coincidence".  Obviously everything she'd said was nothing to do with the new random guy she'd met who'd made a fuss of her. FFS!

Touching on what Sandman said, I was accused of ignoring her and preferring work (yes, I go to work each day - criminal! -  but never work late or at weekends and deliberately took a job close to home), my bikes (I cycle but reduced this massively to focus on the family a couple of years ago. I also run a bicycle workshop business that she fully encouraged me to try and build up) and the house (we bought a house that needed modernising.  She would frequently start a job and leave me to finish it.  We discussed work, how long it would take and agreed whether I should do it or get a professional).  The only thing I ignored was the weed and drink habits, her waste-of-money online "Mind Valley" courses and other cults this 45-year old woman chose to follow while she dropped the mutual interests and loves on which or relationship had been built, worked when she pleased and lost her focus on the business she was meant to be building that would be the answer to all our problems, apparently.  Meanwhile I paid for almost everything, cleaned , washed, built, organised, took the kids out and on holiday, taught them to ride, swim, snowboard.  You'll recognise the picture, I'm sure.  I never ignored her.  It's easy to say that's how somebody made you feel, but the facts don't support it.  Flowers, dinners, gigs, weekends away, random gifts, birthday presents.  I always supported everything she wanted to do and tried to give her space from the kids at weekends, even though she did as she pleased with her weekdays, often choosing to do social things and not work.

Yes, I've questioned not just my judgement but my self respect, my mental strength and my direction.  4 months for me and I cannot believe was an idiot I was, being led by this whimsical drug addict.  I feel like I'm ten years behind where I should be because I put my partner on a pedestal and bought into her dreams.
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#8
(09-25-2018, 06:18 AM)mikec Wrote: What is it about our wives that make them feel like they are entitled to treat us this way?
Should we be sympathetic to their behaviour - like they have some mental / emotional problem that they can’t control?
It’s hard to be sympathetic when the results are false allegations, and withholding of access to our children.  I really feel for men who are going through this in addition to everything else.  It must be agony.

Men seem to own their mistakes a bit more when they are the ones that initiate a separation.  Is this complete rubbish?  I don’t want to open up a can of misogynistic worms here, but I would like to try and understand my wife a bit more, because I think it will benefit me!

It's been something like 10 months and the thing I am starting to understand - maybe - is that women are not the same as us. It's not misogynistic: it's an observation. They are not blokes in different clothes and we can't get a handle on them like that. They seem to be wired differently so emotions are more central to their operation and decision making: the feelings seem to come first and then the narrative follows. The narrative is not cynical self-justification after the event: for a woman the logical outcome of her emotions is as real as the mental constructions that us blokes make for ourselves to explain our own actions. None of us is in a position to know which is more real than the other: it could be our male mental logic that sees the world wrong. What we can be pretty sure of is none of our attempts to use mental logic to persuade our wives to do something her heart doesn't feel is right are going to be the slightest bit successful especially in this situation. The only way forward if we want to understand and even communicate is to try to get out of our habitual male way of thinking and try to see things like a woman might.
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#9
Fatcat - like you my wife has told me this is mostly my fault. Just before this all happened she wanted to leave her new job and move to the country. I said "sure - let's do it" (I work from home so can be anywhere). Later I was told that I should've known she didn't really want to leave her new job and move to the country and I was being selfish by going along with it.

Jim - that last sentence of yours is, I suppose, where I'm trying to get to with all this. It's going to be so hard spending the rest of my life loving my kids with all my heart, and hating my wife with all my heart! Feeling nothing for her, to me seems just as bad, we still have to hand our kids over to them when it's their turn. The aim is to be friends, but that feels un-obtainable right now.
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#10
(09-26-2018, 06:50 AM)mikec Wrote: The aim is to be friends, but that feels un-obtainable right now.

That is exactly how I feel. I find it extremely difficult to put behind me how cold, uncaring and unreasonable she has behaved during this split. How can someone who's caused all that pain ever be a friend? She's the biggest enemy I've ever had!

Occasionally she makes out like she wants us to get along for our daughters sake, but in the next breath she is still completely unreasonable and nasty.

To be fair she's become a walking contradiction in pretty much every aspect so nothing surprises me now.

But friend she most definitely is not.
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