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Things starting to get worse.. advice pls
#1
Hi all,
I'm in a bit of an anxious mess at the moment and could really do with some solid advice. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we have twins aged 7.
We own our own home that has around 250k equity in it.
I work full time and my wife works part time (she's earns around 10k per annum through the bank and around 10k cash per annum) so on paper she only earns 10k per year.

We do not have any significant savings (nothing above 1k).  She now wants to split with me. She has been coming up with loads of bullsh*t saying that I'm abusive.  It's simply not true. I'm pretty sure she is having an affair but I cannot prove anything.

We have not had sex since May this year.  I still live in the family home and I really don't want to leave as I love my kids so so much. I'm really worried about what will happen with regards to my housing?
 
My wife does not have the financial means to buy me out. She has said that she wants to remain in the house until the children are 18 and that she would be able to afford to do this with tax credits and the maintenance from me.   Where would this leave me? if this happened - I wouldn't be able to remove my name from the mortgage and therefore not be able to buy my own place?

 This whole things seems very 1 sided. It seems like, if you are in are married with children and your wife either does not work or works on a low income. She has all the power?! The woman can effectively pull the plug on the husbands life at any point! It's crazy.     There seems to be no consequence for her at all.  She gets to stay with the kids and our family home.  Where is the justice?

I would like our house to be sold and the proceeds split somehow.  She can downsize and I am able to put some money into a new flat or something of my own.

 I've put blood, sweat and tears into that house and I came from poor upbringing and I just wanted better for my whole family.

It now looks like, it can all be taken away from me because my wife has decided to.   She gets to live in MY house with MY children whereas I have to move into a bedsit/rented room and to top it off, the inevitable new man moving in and sleeping in my bed!! Tt's absolutely crazy.  Please someone tell me that I have other options!

I have read several other posts on here and it seems that there is some strong advice to "Stay in the family Home - do not leave".  I understand this.  I want to do this, however the urge to rent my own flat and get away from her is very strong - you all probably know whats its like to live with someone who hates you.  Its not very pleasant at all. 

Any advice is welcome.  I will be posting some other threads as I have some specific questions that I think would be better in there own thread.
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#2
It probably would be best to stay in the house . its like a cat/mouse game stay in house until she has enough and has to sell. also this will ruin anything with a potential new fella. imagne how angry /resentful you would be if she had the house for next 11 years,maintenance and a fella there and could even stop u seeing your 7 year old twins.

I would stay there and not let her dictate, you get to see twins every day as well and perhaps try and stay away from her as much as you possibly can. if you move out and leave you are in dire straits basically
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#3
Thanks mate. I get it.

She has spoken to one of her friends recently and her friend has given her all this information about how she is entitled to live in the house with the kids and if I were a real man "I would to do the right thing and leave".

I'm pretty sure my wife believes that she is in a situation where there is absolutely no consequence for her making this huge decision.
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#4
I've been on here a couple of months and sadly it seems your story is very normal.  Same thing happened to me except we weren't married.  I stayed in the family home, even though I wanted  to leave. I decided I wouldn't go while my name was on the mortgage and my share of the equity was in the house.  Fortunately, my ex has agreed to get her own place having exhausted all the options for staying in the house.  She isn't particularly motivated to stay, as far as I can tell, and we both know that legal action would be unnecessary and costly.  But she could've been a lot more difficult.

it's absolutely horrible, but hang in there if you can until you can both talk and work out something that works for you both.  Seriously, what does it do for her if you have to split the house in ten years' time?  I'd point out to her that if you both split the house now, in ten years you'll be self sufficient and will have paid off a good chunk of a mortgage on a new place.  You might not be able to make a fresh start in ten years though if you have to share the equity then.

(09-27-2018, 10:22 AM)Chester Copperpot Wrote: She has spoken to one of her friends recently and her friend has given her all this information about how she is entitled to live in the house with the kids and if I were a real man "I would to do the right thing and leave".  

I hate this bullshit assumption that the man should leave.  Real man?  Ignore her poisonous friend.  A real man sticks there for his kids while their mum has her selfish midlife crisis and destroys their childhood. Personally, I think my ex is the more loving (in a physical sense) of the two of us but I'm vastly more responsible as a parent and I've always done plenty of the childcare, if not the bulk of it.  

It's true that she's entitled to live in house if her name is on the deeds.  Look up Mesher Orders though, which is more relevant to what she's saying.
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#5
I'm in the same boat too (although like Fatcat1980 above, we're not married).

She made the decision to split back in June, I earn 3 times more than her yet she expected to be able to take over the jointly owned home, the mortgage, stay there with our two children, finance it all through the tax credits she'd receive plus my child maintenance & have me just disappear off to rent a pokey little flat somewhere. Then sell it some 11+ years down the line & pay me a pissy little sum in settlement.

She seemed to get all of her legal advice from "Friends" & was convinced that was how it was all going to happen (yeah, suddenly all of her friends & most of family instantly disowned me). She broke me down so much at one point that I almost agreed to it but then I saw a solicitor which changed the perspective & as a result, her little plan has been foiled & she's come back to earth with a big bump. Be aware though, the law differs a lot between separating married couples & separating co-habiting couples & the legal result will very much be based on her earning ability, the equity she'd receive through sale of the family home & her resulting ability to be able to house herself & the children afterwards. Something I said to her at the very start still resonates with me now & that was "You really haven't thought this through have you"?

I'd suggest at the very least, find a family law solicitor who gives a free, initial telephone consultation & see what they have to say.

By the way, excellent username. Gotta love The Goonies!
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#6
(09-27-2018, 09:47 AM)Chester Copperpot Wrote: This whole things seems very 1 sided. It seems like, if you are in are married with children and your wife either does not work or works on a low income. She has all the power?! The woman can effectively pull the plug on the husbands life at any point! It's crazy.     There seems to be no consequence for her at all.  She gets to stay with the kids and our family home.  Where is the justice?

I would like our house to be sold and the proceeds split somehow.  She can downsize and I am able to put some money into a new flat or something of my own.

I could've written all that.....its exactly how i've been for the last 6 months or so....

My wife pulled the plug......and like you, i've seen a side/sides to her that I never knew existed....

I feel like my whole relationship with my wife and her family has been a farce. And now the farce is over i've awoken to find myself with a house i cant live in, a wife i cant stand and and a daughter I only see for a few hours a week. 

Add that to the fact she is going to hit me up for nearly £400pm child maintenance, I really don't see how i'm going to be able to rebuild my life.

I wish I could offer you some advice but I really can't. The cards are all stacked in her favour and thats just the way it is.

Just try not to lose your mind, and conduct yourself respectfully at every moment - no matter how difficult it may be.
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#7
Hi Chester. That's good advice you're getting. I suggest look up doing a 180 sometimes called Last Resort Technique. Basically become a bit like an island. Or like a robot with no feelings. It's a terrible onslaught at first. If you can let it blow itself out. Don't do anything to make it worse. Don't give away anything you don't have to. Wait for the dust to clear a bit.
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