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Advice needed and need to vent!!
#1
Hi All,

Only recently saw this forum and its good to read and see that I am not alone in my frustration.

Story goes, separated from my boys mother when he was under 1, he is now 7. When we separated she moved back home to the island she was from, 2 and a half hour ferry trip away from mainland. All was ok and amicable initially for few years, I would go over almost every weekend and stay at her parents to spend the weekend with little fellow, was hard to get any length of time due to ferry timetables and having to work Monday to Friday.  Her parents were very accommodating and agreed that due to costs of staying on the island and travel time was good to stay at there house while visiting the little one.
I met my new partner over 5 years ago, we have since moved into a new home and have welcomed our son to the world 8 months ago. But this seems to have triggered a complete change in attitude with my ex partner !
Initially she was happy for us having a new baby together and even took my eldest over to visit him, this was only the second time she has taken him over to see me on the mainland since she had moved away all those years ago. But now after this visit when I asked to collected my eldest to take him on his holiday for the summer break she announced that he was not allowed to come to me and she needed to speak to her solicitor? This took me by complete surprise and after 9 weeks of waiting I have received a solicitor letter stating that my eldest had watched myself and my new partner physically striking one another while he was visiting and for this reason she was not allowing me any further contact with my eldest son. When I read the letter to say I was stunned by these false accusations is an understatement. I am due to visit a solicitor this coming Tuesday to find out what to do, have attended citizens advice and spoken to health visitor as to what to do and they have been great with helping re-assure us that everything will get sorted via solicitor but I am fearful of my ex partner throwing out these allegations, what could she decide to say next. Also fear of the impending costs of the solicitor and if I can even afford to do what needs to be done!
I am finding it hard to sleep, I miss my eldest son terribly and this whole situation just doesn't make sense to me! All I want is to see my son and make sure he grows up knowing his dad and his soon to be step mum and little brother are part of his life and loves him. How can cutting me off from seeing him for a blatant lie be best for him.

Sorry for the long story, there is so much more I could write but even writing this small piece is a relief, whole situation is just needless and my head is fried from it all. I know no one here really knows me but I genuinely believe im a good guy, I would do anything for my kids.

Anyway, thank you for reading, anyone else had any similar experience, what was the outcome?
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#2
Christ alive. Well if you look around here, search for "story" in the forum search, you'll see many many people with similar problems.

1) People lie

2) Solicitors do what they are told by the person who pays them

3) You have had a long term, perfectly amicable arrangement. If this went to court - you will get the time you already have + possibly more

4) I assume you do not have a CAO (child arrangements order). That's fine - but you are going to get one so you can threaten her with a breach in the future.

5) Arrange mediation. She can say no or not turn up but you have to go before you can go to court

6) Get your solicitor to write back refuting her claims and stating exactly what arrangements you want to have. You have every right to AT LEAST every other weekend and half the holidays. Given you cannot do during the week (which is also usual), I'd be asking for much more than that. Your son needs you in his life, significantly. 3 weekends in 4 would not be out of the question (although a push). Your son also deserves to spend bonding time with his new brother.

7) Spend some time putting together a practical, doable timetable that gives you as much time as possible with him given the circumstances. 

Go in hard, go in fast. These people like to wave their power over you - do not put up with any of it.
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#3
Thank you for advice, I know everyone says it but it really is much appreciated you taking the time to write a response Smile

Don't have an arrangement order no, everything has been done amicably between us for all these years, very little contact with ex for past few years, call her every night but this is to just speak to my son, she doesn't speak he answers the phone whenever I call. I have not called him since I received the solicitor letter as I fear she would allege that I am harassing her and I just want to try and do everything correctly as thought would be best to wait to speak to solicitor before doing anything. Tuesday cant come quick enough!
Its really hard with him living on the island, hour and a half drive to ferry port then 2.5 hour ferry trip to get there. My normal routine was arriving sat afternoon with first ferry on the sat then returning late afternoon the Sunday as this was only way to see him. I requested previously if she could take him over and I would collect at ferry terminal sat on mainland but this has never happened as she claims to have such bad back pain she cannot travel and he is too young to travel alone. Only time she has ever taken him over to me is when she has been travelling on holiday and passing the area (twice). Would be perfect if he came over to me as ferry times work so much better and would get full day sat and Sunday with him before his return journey on the Sunday, obviously weather conditions need to be considered as he needs to be in school.
Will sit down tonight and over weekend and look at timetables for ferrys and make a workable / sensible schedule on what I think would be achievable.

Many thanks again :-)
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#4
No worries at all - I hope some others can chime in here as well 'cos the more varied opinions the better!

Side note - I'd keep calling. I wouldn't do anything because of the other party, you keep your schedule even if she does not answer. Speaking to your son every day is a great thing to do and he misses you no doubt

Worth researching other kids who may need to do the same journey on a friday afternoon, maybe there is a buddy system or something or a school or club he can tag along with
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#5
It reeks of jealousy to me. Along with the fact I think she is worried that you will form a strong family unit that she isn't part of.

She's trying to break it up and is clearly pretty desperate to do so. Going to those lengths and making those accusations is pretty serious.

I'm guessing you haven't got anyone mutual that may be able to try and work out what is going on inside her head? Someone to point out that what she is doing is in no ones interest except hers?

I haven't really got much in the way of advice to offer unfortunately. But hang on in there and the truth will reveal itself at some point.
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#6
My mother mentioned that if she is stopping this low then I need to make sure she doesn't start firing more wild accusations out there as she seems desperate to cause issues with my family unit. Touch wood solicitor on Tue can help me get this all sorted out, its so horrible and its hard not to get upset with the whole thing!

No neutral party's at all I am afraid, wish to god someone would make her review her actions and work out what she is trying to achieve, just want to spend some time with my son!!
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#7
(09-27-2018, 03:43 PM)HeartBrokenFather Wrote: My mother mentioned that if she is stopping this low then I need to make sure she doesn't start firing more wild accusations out there as she seems desperate to cause issues with my family unit. Touch wood solicitor on Tue can help me get this all sorted out, its so horrible and its hard not to get upset with the whole thing!

No neutral party's at all I am afraid, wish to god someone would make her review her actions and work out what she is trying to achieve, just want to spend some time with my son!!

Keep calling your son! He will be anxious. Worried about what has happened to dad... maybe even start to question the "truth".
I agree with  the advice above. Go in hard. Be gentle. The history tells it's own story. And I agree that she is jealous. Livid... you've moved on... she has not. If you can, take the solicitors letters with a deep breath... it's like the kid who has a tantrum in the supermarket, rolling around screaming and crying. Say the right thing and the kid gets up. And I'm not suggesting that you bend over backwards or try in any way to accommodate her or her solicitor. Tell them like it is, and how you would expect it to be. Your children need to have time together... it's an important bond. And your boy needs his dad. Be comforted by the truth... these are wild accusations with no evidence and zero proof. Her solicitor is simply doing their job (and taking her money).
Be strong. Be clear. Be firm. Good luck
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#8
what island is your ex on then exactly?
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#9
(09-28-2018, 12:01 AM)warwickshire1 Wrote: what island is your ex on then exactly?

Western Isles - Lewis
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#10
hi , i wouldnt get a solictor straight away. you dont need one straight away. the best thing you can do which can be done yourself is to contact a mediator . i would do this today as quick as possible. u need to attempt mediation before court. also i would try and ring your son as normal, who knows he may answer and contact may be resumed( slim chance). do not speak to your ex partner under any circumstances , she now has a solcitor. u cant get any comebacks for ringing your son whatsoever. if u was to argue with ex or speak to her she could claim harrasement etc.

As for your partner and you striking each other she hasnt got her allegations off to a very good start. i could think of a lot worse ones. its a very poor allegation and silly thing is your partner is a witness to it not happening anyway.

if mediation dont work they will sign a c100 and you can make an application to the courts. with help from everyone on here you wont need a solicitor unless it gets awkward where you can get one further down the line . you will save a lot of money as a lot of the initial stuff u can do yourself. i have been to family court self represented and represented ( final hearing) as ex and her solicitor started playing games and using technical jargon and prolonging me seeing children. her solicitor wasnt child focused so for final hearing i got a solictor to stamp out their nonsense.

hopefully your ex isnt up for a court battle and will just let u see your kids once she knows u arent mucking around. do not under any circumstances phone her or text her as this will lead to her trying to get free legal aid .as it stands if she goes to court she will have to pay solicitors fees at moment
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