Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Pick up / drop off issues after moving house
#1
Having browsed the forum for a while I realise that my problems pale into insignificance compared to those of others, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I split up with my ex 7 years ago - it was my decision. Our kids are now 16 (boy) and 14 (girl). Since the split I have had them Friday evening to Sunday evening every other weekend, plus occasional extra days in the holidays, and an annual summer holiday for 9 days. I have agreed that she can have them every Christmas Day and I have them either side. I have never pushed for more contact e.g. in holidays, even though I would quite like to see more of them tbh.

I currently live 10 miles from my kids. I pick up and drop off both ends at weekends. My relationship with the ex has been cold (email contact only at her request - we never speak in person - text for emergencies) but it has worked OK. I pay child maintenance and have never missed a payment. The kids seem to enjoy being with me and get on with my new partner, whom they have known for 6 years.

During this whole time, my partner and I have worked in London 60 miles (1.5 - 2hrs) commute away. We have looked for work locally but found nothing suitable. As a result, we stay over near our work for 2-3 nights a week. This lifestyle choice was taken because I wanted to be near the kids when they were young.

Over the years, living like this has taken its toll, so now the kids are older we have decided to live nearer work so we can be at home every evening, rather than living out of suitcases. We move next month and will be 60 miles away from them.

My ex has not taken this well. She is not happy about me being further away. It is 1hr 20 mins drive, or about 2 hrs door-to-door on the train.

My original hope was that they could travel to London on the train after school on Friday evenings. I would meet them at the station and take the tube to my new house. I would take them home in the car on Sundays. My ex will not agree to this because she doesn't think it's safe for a 16 and 14 year old to travel on the train in the evening. She is happy for them to travel on Saturday morning though.

I then suggested that she could meet me halfway for drop-offs (40 minutes each). She will not agree to this either (because it was my decision, so why should she be inconvenienced?)

Finally I suggested that I could pay for a taxi to bring them halfway for drop-offs. She won't agree to this because she doesn't think the kids will be safe in a taxi with a stranger, even if they are DBS checked.

In my view she is being over-protective. Certainly a 16 (and a half) year old is perfectly safe on trains and in taxis, and I would be happy for the 14 year old to do the same. She doesn't see it this way.

So my options narrow down to:
1. Drive 2hrs 40 mins round trip Friday and Sunday to get them myself (I would do this if it came to the crunch, but I'd rather not because I have suggested what I think are reasonable alternatives)
2. Lose my Friday evening and most of Saturday morning with them.
3. Pursue my preferred options through mediation and possibly the courts.

My next step is mediation. We went through this before because originally she wouldn’t agree to let me take them on holiday. We have a consent order that we mutually agreed to and signed to cover maintenance and contact. We have never had a formal contact order, other than what is covered by the consent order.

I would be prepared to go to court if it came to it, and if I was advised that it would be worthwhile.

My questions are:
1. If mediation is unsuccessful, is it worth going to court, or should I just take it on the chin and accept her terms?
  • In particular I am conscious that the courts are unlikely to order anything for a 16 year old. He won't want to rock the boat and get into conflict with his mum, and I don't really want to put him in a position where he feels pressured to take sides.
  • I could end up spending a lot of money to save a few hours a month in the car. But on the other hand I feel like I always give in to her demands and she's not being reasonable.
2. Should I go into mediation asking for exactly what I want, or should I up the ante by asking for e.g. more contact in holidays and at Christmas so that I have more bargaining power? I must say this isn't really in my nature, but has been suggested by others.

3. Any other ideas for how to resolve this?

Any advice greatly appreciated.
Reply
#2
What do your kids say about this?

At their age, they should have a massive say..
Reply
#3
Christ. My dad definately got put on a train in London at 6.

My ex GFs dad got put on a train in fucking Ghana when he was 6.

If your kids can’t navigate London, all the way to your door, on their own. I’d question your exes parenting skills. Possibly yours.

Seriously it’s nannying of the most ridiculous degree. Also ask them to spend half their holidays with you. They’re about to leave the nest permanently - start making more of the time whilst you can Smile

Also I’m known here and elsewhere for sweeping argumentative statements. This is all said from the heart and with good intentions Wink
Reply
#4
Thanks for the replies. I agree that it's massively over-protective. I was getting trains from age 10.

They're happy with getting a train or a taxi themselves. They know their mum won't let them. They know I want them to. They don't really want to rock the boat and they tend to say what they want people to hear.

I am trying to avoid putting them into direct conflict with their mum i.e. "tell your mum you want to get a train / taxi" because I don't want to appear to be pressuring them into taking sides. It's not their fault she's being weird about this. But we might be at the point where it's unavoidable now. Until now I have just said that me and their mum are still trying to work out the best way for them to get back and forth.
Reply
#5
(10-16-2018, 06:29 PM)bobthebuilder Wrote: Having browsed the forum for a while I realise that my problems pale into insignificance compared to those of others, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I split up with my ex 7 years ago - it was my decision. Our kids are now 16 (boy) and 14 (girl). Since the split I have had them Friday evening to Sunday evening every other weekend, plus occasional extra days in the holidays, and an annual summer holiday for 9 days. I have agreed that she can have them every Christmas Day and I have them either side. I have never pushed for more contact e.g. in holidays, even though I would quite like to see more of them tbh.

I currently live 10 miles from my kids. I pick up and drop off both ends at weekends. My relationship with the ex has been cold (email contact only at her request - we never speak in person - text for emergencies) but it has worked OK. I pay child maintenance and have never missed a payment. The kids seem to enjoy being with me and get on with my new partner, whom they have known for 6 years.

During this whole time, my partner and I have worked in London 60 miles (1.5 - 2hrs) commute away. We have looked for work locally but found nothing suitable. As a result, we stay over near our work for 2-3 nights a week. This lifestyle choice was taken because I wanted to be near the kids when they were young.

Over the years, living like this has taken its toll, so now the kids are older we have decided to live nearer work so we can be at home every evening, rather than living out of suitcases. We move next month and will be 60 miles away from them.

My ex has not taken this well. She is not happy about me being further away. It is 1hr 20 mins drive, or about 2 hrs door-to-door on the train.

My original hope was that they could travel to London on the train after school on Friday evenings. I would meet them at the station and take the tube to my new house. I would take them home in the car on Sundays. My ex will not agree to this because she doesn't think it's safe for a 16 and 14 year old to travel on the train in the evening. She is happy for them to travel on Saturday morning though.

I then suggested that she could meet me halfway for drop-offs (40 minutes each). She will not agree to this either (because it was my decision, so why should she be inconvenienced?)

Finally I suggested that I could pay for a taxi to bring them halfway for drop-offs. She won't agree to this because she doesn't think the kids will be safe in a taxi with a stranger, even if they are DBS checked.

In my view she is being over-protective. Certainly a 16 (and a half) year old is perfectly safe on trains and in taxis, and I would be happy for the 14 year old to do the same. She doesn't see it this way.

So my options narrow down to:
1. Drive 2hrs 40 mins round trip Friday and Sunday to get them myself (I would do this if it came to the crunch, but I'd rather not because I have suggested what I think are reasonable alternatives)
2. Lose my Friday evening and most of Saturday morning with them.
3. Pursue my preferred options through mediation and possibly the courts.

My next step is mediation. We went through this before because originally she wouldn’t agree to let me take them on holiday. We have a consent order that we mutually agreed to and signed to cover maintenance and contact. We have never had a formal contact order, other than what is covered by the consent order.

I would be prepared to go to court if it came to it, and if I was advised that it would be worthwhile.

My questions are:
1. If mediation is unsuccessful, is it worth going to court, or should I just take it on the chin and accept her terms?
  • In particular I am conscious that the courts are unlikely to order anything for a 16 year old. He won't want to rock the boat and get into conflict with his mum, and I don't really want to put him in a position where he feels pressured to take sides.
  • I could end up spending a lot of money to save a few hours a month in the car. But on the other hand I feel like I always give in to her demands and she's not being reasonable.
2. Should I go into mediation asking for exactly what I want, or should I up the ante by asking for e.g. more contact in holidays and at Christmas so that I have more bargaining power? I must say this isn't really in my nature, but has been suggested by others.

3. Any other ideas for how to resolve this?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

First of all, a Child Arrangements Order would expire at 16, so I think the Consent Order also does. 
In a CMS situaiton, Child Support is only payable from 16 if Child Beneift carries on, what means the child is in Aproved Education for 15 hours a week and not working over 24 hours in term time. 

https://yougov.co.uk/news/2012/05/10/una...ied-minor/ says that a 13 year old can travel on a train on their own. National terms of carridge say min 12, unless with an over 16 year old.

No not lose the Friday night, as Child Support is over night a year. As your Consent Order is over 1 year old, either of you can put CMS in instead.
It might be worth you doing this, as you can get a reduction for you travel for contact costs, and no Child Benefit means no child support for the 16 year old.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#6
If your allowed to travel by yourself on a train from age of 12 then they should be getting the train straight after school to see you. I think almost everyone would agree on here they would understand mums concerns going through tubes etc. Your not though children are getting on train at their local train station travelling direct to another one where you will be waiting. In old days you didnt even have mobile phones. I am pretty sure your sons would be ringing hi just getting on train and you would meet them off train and travel on tube together.

There would be no point going to family court due to how old they are. Mediation is worth a try as its around £100 just so they may explain it to your ex. shes basically just been awkward and malicious. Also she even said its fine on a saturday morning , but not on a friday afternoon.

And also like you said there is no point bearing in mind how old they are for you to get train to collect them to make a simple train journey back which they are more than capable of doing themselves.
Reply
#7
Suggest that for the first couple of times you take the train down to meet them and travel back home with them on the train, then their mum could do it also to put her mind at rest.
Teenagers are usually chomping at the bit for more independence. If they dont have to change trains then I dont see what the problem is, mum is on the station when the get on and dad is there when they arrive.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  She is moving house - can I vary the court order? Chester Copperpot 4 1,677 05-06-2021, 06:05 PM
Last Post: Charlie7000
  School pick ups Toddy 4 2,613 10-16-2020, 04:48 PM
Last Post: Charlie7000
  Moving out of jointly owned house and rights... nickl 1 2,511 03-12-2018, 05:40 PM
Last Post: Charlie7000
  pick up / drop off responsibilties chrisr 3 5,151 12-15-2017, 11:12 AM
Last Post: chrisr
Thumbs Down Mother Kicking off Every Pick Up / Drop Off summer2011 5 6,602 09-24-2017, 05:20 AM
Last Post: MarkR
  drop off and pick up/constant texting by other parent when i have my children JandM1983 4 6,424 05-29-2017, 08:45 PM
Last Post: jamesbond
  Breakup, child and house involved, not married, issues seem to be getting worse MrCM 9 10,921 03-06-2017, 06:29 PM
Last Post: MrCM
  Ex having issue with school pick-up/drop-off Hypometric 6 9,946 02-15-2017, 03:55 PM
Last Post: MarkR
  Pick up, Drop off issues vyksky 1 3,780 01-02-2017, 09:18 AM
Last Post: MarkR
  ex keeps changing drop off and pick up places Figo1976 1 3,613 12-22-2016, 08:02 PM
Last Post: MarkR



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)