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At breaking point now
#1
So this is my third thread here and I honestly don't know what to do. My ex has now stooped to the lowest point now, I have had several messages from her over the past few days stating to me that I have been violent towards our two boys and that they are telling people this as it is the truth! I have never once laid a finger on my children and never would. Me ex was the violent and mentally abusive one in our relationship and the kind of person who lies that much that even she believes her own lies, and now I'm scared to death she is drumming it into our boys heads so that they believe it to be true!

Every day I am now waiting for a chap at the door and for it to be the police, and I end up losing my children and my job to these lies, guilty until proven innocent with things like these and mud sticks!

I have been off my work with stress with everything that has been happening and feel like no one will listen to my concerns regarding my oldest sons mental health and thoughts of self harm, I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall and all I wish for is that someone independent will speak to our children and get to the bottom of what's going on. My oldest sons relationship with me is nearly non existent and he is only 7 and claims he doesn't want to see me anymore, this is of course all coming from her and on handovers his behaviour is alarming and his hatred towards me is upsetting! What point do you say "ok you don't need to come with me this time"...I don't want to give up or walk away but I feel that it's the only thing that's going to stop our sons from becoming seriously mentally harmed, as I am apparently the issue.

Please please help! I feel like I need to go back to court to request CAFCASS become involved again and do another section 7 report as I see no other option.

Thank you in advance.
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#2
What access are you getting at moment with your 7 year old boy and the younger one?
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#3
I visit them once every 5 weeks due to my shift pattern, my wife and I bought a static caravan near my boys so we could have a home from home for them on the local visits, I FaceTime them twice a week(court order states "At least twice a week") which is never adhered to, and I also have half of all holidays with them, but now my ex is constantly controlling these and poisoning the boys minds and they never want to come...things like buying our youngest who just turned 6 a hamster a matter of hours before I collected them. I feel for them so much.
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#4
Ok a lot of people will be able to relate what is going on including myself.

What you should do is to carry on ringing once or twice a week facetime wether she answers or not.. you cant be accused by your sons of not trying ever. We now know she isnt going to bother or be awkward but probably not enough to breach her.

number 2 ring social services and say you dont wish them to act but log it ( they wont act anyway) explain you been to court , you are meant to facetime twice and that your ex is hostile and has suggested you hit your children and is telling other people this. You are just trying to be a loving dad who sees his father every 5 weeks. then thank them for listening to you and you just want whats best for them ..just say a load of child focused things.

then ring police up as well and say you just want it to be logged but you dont wish them to act to avoid further hostility but she is implying you are hitting your children and fear she will make more false allegations and will ring yourselves as she doesnt want me to have a relationship with our sons , explain you have court order and the anxiety it is coursing. thank them also for their time to listen

DO NOT ever not have your children. Its your ex telling them to say things, your children picking up she dislikes you and she is prepping them before contact. especially where u have them half of holidays i can almost guarantee their spitefulness and horrible stuff they say to you vanishes slowly and slowly the longer you have them and they enjoy themselves more and more each day.

Let her carry on being stupid and trying to alienate your children just dont rise to it or even text or ring her. she got a hamster then just tell your son thats nice oh no mummy will have to feed her now etc. as long as you refer to your ex as mum or mummy sons will always love you and realise deep down its their mum whos the problem but their loyaltys will always lie with her on handovers especially.

The idea is your ex wants you to walk away and say you have had enough so she wins. theres no need to contact cafcass or go back to court. you would only do this if your contact doesnt go ahead which is a serious breach, i can imagine its also hard for her to turn both sons against u at same time. being young theres always one that doesnt follow their mums plans at the time.
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#5
Thank you so much for your reply, I always ensure I refer to her as mummy to our sons, if only she done the same, I get called by my first name!!! I will ring all of the people you have said tomorrow and see how that goes. Thank you again!!
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#6
It is gut wrenching isn't it. As Warwickshire says you need to protect yourself. Have any of these threats been in writing? ie emails or texts? If so take them to the police and ask them to log harrassment, but not to take action at present. If it gets worse see them again and they can go round and give her a formal warning.

Personally I would "log" things in writing by email. It can be used as evidence in future if necessary. So if you have concerns about your children then email the school. You can write confidentially and explain that you are not on communicating terms with the childrens Mother and say you are concerned about 7 year old's mental health and that he has mentioned self harm and you wish the school to keep an eye on things with him and let you know if they have any concerns. Sometimes the first email along these lines needs evidence that you have parental responsibility - if you don't normally have contact with them. I explained I automatically had it, but also got my solicitor to write me a "to whom it may concern" letter confirming I had it. The schools sometimes need this to cover themselves if giving out information.

The situation you are in, as many of us, me too, is dealing with someone who is harmful to your children and preventing you from being a parent to them as well. And it causes sleepless nights to say the least. Society, the courts etc all cannot deal with it - because she is their Mother, because social services are overstretched and because it's very difficult to prove short of them being hospitalised and saying "Mummy attacked me with an axe". Even then they're not always believed.

So it takes dealing with one thing at a time, methodically and developing coping strategies and yes having court orders. If you're not getting the Skype calls and it's in an order then enforce the order. It's very easy for them to ignore phone calls etc and better to have as much actual time as possible. Could you manage more than every five weeks in terms of actual time? Some people do every other week-end when at a distance. If so then enforce the order and ask for a variation to have the children stay with you every other week-end maybe.

The main thing though is the parental alienation. I read a good book that helped me through this when it became bad and my son also began talking about death a lot. It was extremely concerning and I nearly gave up trying to see him so he didn't have the mental stress and trauma of the negativity towards me and the expectation to reject me. Which he didn't but it was going that way. It causes them divided loyalties and they also need to please the parent they live with most of the time because theres no-one else to look after them so they have to.

So get a copy of this book. It's like a handbook - I carried it around for a while and it was very enlightening to see everything in it as exactly what was happening. It's well written so you can just dip into the odd bit that's relevant at the time. An easy read to read the whole thing though. I had to change parenting completely for a while and handle my son in a different way. It was strange and a bit unreal because none of us could be our real selves - but it was good damage limitation.

Anyway I didn't give up, I went back to court and got a better order so I see him regularly. The court process stopped some of the alienation because I highlighted it. It made the ex hate me even more and she still does awful things - but my son comes regularly and handles things a lot better. Don't let her get away with it. Your kids have a right to significant and regular contact with both parents. Think about how you could see them more regularly, to reduce the impact of her influence on them. If that's not possible then just enforce the order and say you are not getting the Skype calls or contact with your children. If she keeps breaching, you enforce. If you have to enforce 3 times or more a Judge may add something to an order to scare her into complying (eg saying if she does it again he will transfer residency).

The difficulty with phone contact though is they are there with their Mother's influence. I've given up on the idea of any phone contact but I see my son regularly. Even if he was allowed to text me I would expect to receive a nasty text sent by her from his phone so it seems a bit pointless and I save the normality for when he's with me.

The book doesn't have a great title but one of the author's is an expert in parental alienation in the US. It was a lifesaver for me at a really bad time.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Co-parenting-To...a+toxic+ex

Going back to recording things in writing - same with social services that Warwickshire advised. Put everything in writing. Keep a diary as well when significant or concerning things happen. I do that by writing it as an email to myself - so it's dated.

When I went back to court for a better order, I also submitted a C1A for emotional and psychological abuse. I was able to do this because I had some evidence to attach by way of a report from childrens services. Ironically she had called them on me but they found no issues with me and had more concerns about her so closed the case. The report didn't say a lot but Cafcass contacted them so they could confirm what I said. Cafcass will also speak to the school as well so another reason to have any concerns logged by sending things by email to the school.

The C1A was basically overlooked - my ex was very convincing as a concerned normal Mother. But it did have some effect and the main thing is it was me highlighting that her behaviour (of which I had evidence in hostile emails) was harrassing me and causing stress to my son. The focus being on the stress to my son.

You have to be careful with Cafcass though - they vary. And in my view seem to have an inbuilt belief that Mothers are perfect and know best and tar you both with the same brush when it comes to parental alienation and put it down to "conflict between parents". Totally unfair when only one parent is creating all the conflict. Which is why it's very important to always come across as the calm, normal reasonable one who is concerned about your childrens stability and welfare. Which of course you are, but the stress we're under makes us sound desperate and anti the ex sometimes.

Just to add - typically for an alienating ex, when she received my application she told everyone I had accused her of child abuse, including the school and went into school and said I shouldn't be there because I'd accused her. Took a few months to get the school pickups back.

That is another thing. Courts like the idea of collecting and returning children to and from school - so it's a smoother transition for them and they don't have both parents there at the same time (usually).

Even though you are getting to see your kids you sound to be in a very similar position to the one I was in 18 months ago where I did see him quite a bit but there was a lot of alienation and things would get changed and cancelled with her claiming son didnt want to come or wanted to go on holiday with them or whatever.

I was advised to get a tightly defined order. I didn't in the end, I got a partly defined order for him to "live with" both parents. Had to compromise a bit to get the "lives with" but most of the days, times and holiday weeks are defined down to the time and day and specify from school. If orders are too vague then ex's like yours just find loopholes.

Smartphones cause issues too. I am expected to allow son contact whenever by phone with his Mother when he's with me but it doesn't work both ways with her claiming he doesn't want phone contact with me and him being too scared to disobey her. It settled down as the book helped. The phone lives on the kitchen table and he's allowed to use it at certain times. She made a big stink about that, but the order helped as she now can't stop contact because I made some house rules.

Take control - it helps. I would go back to court personally, but it depends on what you can manage in terms of regular time with them.

I also had the whole false accusations thing (and some were horrendous) at the same time as alienation. Just gave me more evidence for court :-)
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#7
Thank you so much for your reply Charlie, I will definitely look into the book, I need something as it's still really bad. I managed to get a doctors appointment for my oldest son just to bottom anything out, something which my son asked his mum to do months ago during one of his episodes, however she refused. I told her about the appointment out of courtesy and requested she stay away but I would keep her updated, of course she said she's coming and of. Anyway I had a call from my oldest school today from the teacher who's been doing 1 to 1 sessions with him, he has started to get aggressive at school and the teacher said that he keeps referring to me by my first name, to me that's a clear indication that I am being pushed out! She advised me to talk to my ex and try and arrane a meeting between her, I and a mediator however I asked the teacher if she would be willing to do it as I found the mediator worse than useless, Anyway she said yes, which is good as she is working with our son. I called my ex who still maintains that our sons behaviour is because of me....pretty much, because the situation is "Not normal", what's normal now a day's? If that's her opinion what the hell is she telling our boys, makes me think that they believe it's not normal for.me to be far away!! I can't tell them the truth as to why I left...She had a 9 month affair and was physically and mentally abusive to me which reared its head in front of the children. I gave her the opportunity to buy me out of our house which had 60k equity in it but she dragged her heels and I had to walk away with only enough to cover my solicitor bills. Had she done this I would have been able to live close to my children. Anyway she is adamant it's because I'm forcing our boys to go with me on access, they are only 6 and 7 so at what age do I say, och don't worry I will see you next time???? This is where no one seems to know, no professional can answer this and I've asked so many times! It's not like they live round the corner. I have seeing my sons upset and my oldest so angry with me. What do I do, do I give in, do I let him miss visits to stop his wee head from exploding due to the choices he has to make...I 100% fee he is trying to please her but she is adamant that he is not. I have all the emails and txt messages from her saying that I was violent and hurt the boys and the boys even said it to me.

I contacted Social services and they were useless. I'm worried my son comes to serious harm or gets kicked out of primary school because of his aggression and anger.

Thank you again!!
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#8
Isn’t it interesting that the child has anger issues when you are NOT there too? That points to a wider issue.

The teacher sounds very sensible and accommodating to you which is great.

Sadly when kids are alienated to such an extent the battle for any kind of contact becomes so much harder as you have experienced. She should be ‘wncouraging’ Contact but she isn’t. I think forcing the kids to go with you would be frowned on but how are they with you once they are away from their mother, this could make a difference.
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#9
Hi Hazy, when the boys are with me they are brilliant, the odd tantrum which is fine, it getting our oldest to come which is the issue as I feel our oldest's loyalty lies with my ex, she insists she supports my contact which I know she doesn't, I asked her why they are referringto me as my first name and her words were "because that's what they feel", she is the adult they are 6 and 7 surely she should be correcting them? I never refer to her as anything other than "Mummy" . My ex has told me(yesterday) that the reason our oldest doesn't want to see me is because he doesn't like my voice(Scottish accent) or the way I "Sniff"....absolutely ridiculous. If I don't see the kids on my visit then it's a whole 10 weeks without seeing them. I am trying to work out a work plan where I can hopefully increase my visits to 2 weekends every 5 weeks which hopefully I will be able to do. Fingers crossed!!!
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#10
I have had all the above from my ex partner. Basically she dont want you seeing your children. You are run down at home and called anything but dad or daddy. She should be correcting them but she will know it winds you up. I wouldnt even have a conversation with your ex as they do want to see you, its probably your ex that dont like your accent and that you sniff not your own children. Its ashame you cant arrange handovers anywhere else like a school rather than your ex partner as you would notice a change in behaviour. My children are still to this day quiet if their mum is about as they sense the hostility
and oldest remembers trouble she has caused in past. You are right though where they live with their mum when handovers are done their loyaltys will lie with mum causing them to behave how they shouldnt. No matter what always take them even if they are kicking off as its not your children its their mum and by refusing you are playing into her hands, i can guarantee you after a few hours they are happy as larry
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