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I’m so confused, maybe blinded by love?
#1
Hi everyone!

I was hoping for some advice and opinion really. It’s a bit of a long story so I’ll keep it as short as possible.

My ex and I were together for 4 years. We have two children together and recently had some tough times which we were both at fault for. I have accepted the blame and have tried to grow as a person and show her in my actions that her and the children are my focus in life.

This was progressing well in that we were becoming closer again and starting to act as a couple does however things quickly changed when a new man arrived on the scene. This man is the complete polar opposite to me. He spends a lot of time drinking and socialising and has a pretty chequered past. He also has two children who he doesn’t really see so lives his life as a single person. My ex has completely changed her personality for this man and is starting to show more priority towards him than towards our amazing children. She is effectively living as if she is a single person with no children. 

The thing that is confusing me massively and is also breaking my heart is that she still keeps me as a massive part of her life and that is not just for the children’s sake either. I see the children regularly and when I do at weekends she suggests that I stay, on more Han one occasion I’ve been there for the duration of the weekend. She suggests we do things together as a family, often when I’m there she’ll speak as though we are still in a relationship. However sometimes her mood changes drastically and she will go completely cold with me and express how
I’m just there for the kids etc.

From my point of view it feels as though this new man is giving fun and excitement of a new experience, a bit like the honeymoon period where she can be carefree, go on little days out without a care in the world and what me and my ex have is like a real life relationship which I’d describe as the dirty nappy, cold food, no sleep, having a laugh but focus on the kids relationship.

I’m really not sure if she’s been drawn in by something exciting which maybe the birth of our new child made her think about that, I don’t know? It’s very much a honeymoon kind of deal in which they both act as though they have no responsibility and can spend hours texting like you would do when you were younger.

I don’t know whether she’s using this as a chance to have that break from real life but is using me as the reliable family man who can offer her love and stability and who she knows will always be there for her whilst she can experience what I can only describe as a bit of a teenagers relationship. I’m not sure if she feels deep down that we are the right fit for each other but doesn’t want to admit it and go back to real life with me whilst she’s having ‘fun’.

Sorry to go on but it’s tough to get it all out! I just feel like she knows I’ll always be there and still wants me in her life but at the moment is having too much fun whilst I pick up the pieces. 

Ultimately I want her back and I want my family back! This man has changed her so much and it’s scary.
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#2
Sorry to say, but it seems like she has moved on and is keeping you as a safety net - you need to start making plans for yourself, for the future.
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#3
So she's having 'relations' with this new bloke?

I think you are letting her have the best of both worlds here.

You need to take some control of the situation......tell her its decision time and wrap it up.

Start planning for a life without her, and planning the best way of instigating that.
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#4
You need to stop now, as with most cases, there is always one party who want to stick together even if its a disastrious relationship.

She is certainly taking the piss out of you, unless of course this relationship she has with the new bloke is not sexual?

You say your doing it to act as a family together, is she treating you like a husband? Kisses/Sex etc etc.
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#5
Run for the hills my friend. This is NOT going to end well...

Your ex is treating you like a mug and the longer it goes on the more confident she'll be that she can get away with whatever she likes. If she's seeing someone else you need to close the door on the relationship and walk. It'll end up with you being a glorified babysitter while she goes out with the new man.

My STBX has changed like you wouldn't believe.

With me:
Quiet
Shy
Never dressed up
Never put make up on if it took more than a couple of minutes
Never wore her hair down, always tied it back
Spent every night snacking and regularly smashing in family sized tubs of ice cream etc

Since I left:
Keeps telling me how confident she is
Spends hours dressing up and putting make up on for the 'new man'
Hair down all the time
Lost 5 stone in weight

This is what's known as "rubbing my face in it", at first it bothered me, now I'm so used to it I don't care lol
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#6
(11-22-2018, 07:35 AM)Gra76 Wrote: Run for the hills my friend. This is NOT going to end well...

Your ex is treating you like a mug and the longer it goes on the more confident she'll be that she can get away with whatever she likes. If she's seeing someone else you need to close the door on the relationship and walk. It'll end up with you being a glorified babysitter while she goes out with the new man.

My STBX has changed like you wouldn't believe.

With me:
Quiet
Shy
Never dressed up
Never put make up on if it took more than a couple of minutes
Never wore her hair down, always tied it back
Spent every night snacking and regularly smashing in family sized tubs of ice cream etc

Since I left:
Keeps telling me how confident she is
Spends hours dressing up and putting make up on for the 'new man'
Hair down all the time
Lost 5 stone in weight

This is what's known as "rubbing my face in it", at first it bothered me, now I'm so used to it I don't care lol

That will change in time with her.. She will go back to her old ways I bet.
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#7
There is a difference between you be there for the kids and being there to help the ex wife out. The latter is her taking the piss and you being too nice to refuse. Don't stay at the house, don't go out as a family with her, don't do anything except talk practical stuff (holiday dates, childcare pick-up and drop off arrangements, health or school problems). Avoid what she does, the only time you should be interested in what she does is if it impacts on the kids.

That's easy for me to say, I guess its hard enough now to ignore her, but that will get easier if you just cut her out...
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#8
(11-22-2018, 09:08 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: That will change in time with her.. She will go back to her old ways I bet.

I have no doubt that you're right. She's all about "Here's what you could have had" at the moment. Trying to show me that I shouldn't have left her. It's too late now. She made her proverbial bed, she can lay in it as far as I'm concerned. It's all a LOT too late. The horse bolted 8 months ago...
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