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My wife just dropped the bomb of Divorce/Separation
#1
Trying to say things reasonably succinctly...  But all this is new to me.
We were seemingly getting on really well. Physical relationship had started again. Trust seemed to be back. 
Then she opened a credit card statement - (Addressed to me - so actually she shouldn't have). 
The bill showed that there was about 6k on the card. - She jumps on me and shouts "I can't believe this has happened again"...(a few times we've run up big bills - try not to live beyond our means but it's not easy) "What else are you hiding" In total at the time we had credit cards with almost 10k in total on them... Now it's down to 6k again because some of those purchases were sorted.
- The statements from previous months - all on the sideboard in a pile of paperwork - not hidden. 
Apparently trust is gone. She wants to finish the relationship. The trigger being the debt - she said she'd set a boundary that if ever we had debt again - she'd leave.  It seems crazy. Maybe I had been blinkered and not brought up the amount as it grew... stopping it at 2k and paying ideally... But she thinks it's my responsibility to sort that out?! Joint purchases - 2 cards - but the account in my name. 
Anyway. She won't do counselling again. It's too late. Her hand has been forced. 
It feels like she was planning this. the credit card statement an excuse. At the moment it's almost like nothing happened - we sleep in the same bed. But she's trying not to let the kids know for now. 16, 13 and 10. My eldest knows though. Wife has also told her Mum, and her sister that she wants this.
I want a resolution - and a change of heart - and for reconciliation. 
I'm the primary carer for the kids. Run a business part time and stay at home Dad. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, school runs, take them to clubs etc. Whilst my wife works full time, earns the most and works til late. 
She's mentioned a website. Amicable. (apparently they do things mainly based on the kids) I'm concerned I might get screwed over by them - without solicitors etc. 
The mortgage is up for renewal at the end of the month as it goes from fixed to flex rate and she's already said "I want to get it put in my name" NO chance! I have paid into that mortgage for almost 20 years and put a large inheritance into building an extension. She's also bought stuff on Amazon and ebay using my business account card (it was one of several on the account)- over £200 worth of items. Won't pay the money back into my business account to balance the books and said "maybe I should charge you rent".
Advice needed. I still love her. She just doesn't want me.
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#2
I think you should listen to what shes got to say and maybe this website amicable worth a go. seems like she dont want to leave you just yet but wants you to change your ways whatever they maybe. Thats how i am reading the situation from what you wrote. Children are also getting older and it maybe the case shes been unhappy for a while now. hope all goes well and you get it resolved
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#3
I am sorry to say it is often the case that they have already decided and made the exit plan, by the time the bomb shell is dropped.

Whatever you do, do not beg, plea, write letters. It will have the opposite effect. Read about the last resort method. I think there are some threads here about the 180 U turn method.

Try your best to spend the time you have away from her to understand about the childcare arrangements, financial issues and the general divorce process.

Don't even discuss money, house, etc , before agreeing the childcare arrangements first. But you will need to know where you stand first, so do lots of reading here on this forum and elsewhere.

It would help if you could arrange a free session with a solicitor.

DO NOT move out before sorting out childcare and financial issues.

If things turn around, then great, but prepare for the worst. It is often out of your control, so you can't make it better, just don't make it worse.

I am sure others here will offer you lots of help.
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#4
There's no way the credit card bill is the reason she's doing this. She's seeing someone else.
Not that this has a bearing on finances or arrangements for the children.
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#5
Thanks for the replies. I've just watched a couple of YouTube videos about the Last resort method. I'll see what I can find about the 180 U turn.
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#6
From whats been written i dont think she is seeing someone else but seems frustrated . attending or looking up what this amicable thing your partner is suggested maybe worth looking at . least she will feel you are trying and see if she calms down . she needs to be honest and upfront and tell u what issues are though so you can decide what to do next.
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#7
(11-24-2018, 08:38 AM)CAGEsquire Wrote: Thanks for the replies. I've just watched a couple of YouTube videos about the Last resort method. I'll see what I can find about the 180 U turn.

Last Resort is pretty much the same as 180 and is one of the best descriptions of it. Check out Husband Help Haven too.
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#8
I have had no joy with any of the ideas, methods or anything else in 180 or 'mending the marriage' or Divorce Busting. My wife has agreed to go to relate but only for mediation for separating, not for fixing things. She's really stubborn. Christmas is going to be shit. When do we tell the kids. Who is going to move out? How do we decide? (I'm primary carer, stay at home Dad so probably me stay?). She wants to do things through Amicable website - says she wants to put the kids first. But it all comes down to money, even when she says it doesn't. I earn a pittance currently.
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#9
Slow down. You don’t need to decide in next few weeks who stays and who goes but it’s best you stay as long as you can, preferably until everything is finalised. Divorce takes a while.

If your wife is money minded then your primary carer status might be under threat. In divorce, the money follows the kids usually.
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#10
Last night she said "we need to decide what we do over Christmas". It started out as working out what events and stuff we have on (we sing in a community choir). My eldest was in the room at that point. As soon as he went up to bed she changed tack and started to be awkward saying that she doesn't know what to do for the 8 days and doesn't want to play happy families.
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