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Moving On - The pros and cons of the new 'relationship'
#1
Thought I'd start a thread on new relationships, beyond the dating and how we start to think and then get involved in a new relationship. What worries us, what are our red lines, what are your tips and advice?

So for me I've met someone great, been going out a while, and I cant see any 'ifs or buts', literally no problems, she is a little younger than me, similarly professional, has worked with the military, has two teenagers that have nearly left home, similar sense of humour, outlook, values, taste in music, books, cinema. There are no awkward moments, we get on like a house on fire. I enjoy and want to spend time with her.

But I cant reconcile myself to thinking of this as long term, something is holding me back even though I don't want it to. I guess I'm just being cautious for once in my life, but is this normal? Does anyone else have this issue? Does it ever end?

More broadly, if any of you have moved on to a new relationship, how did you feel and how did you manage it?
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#2
(11-29-2018, 02:13 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Thought I'd start a thread on new relationships, beyond the dating and how we start to think and then get involved in a new relationship. What worries us, what are our red lines, what are your tips and advice?

So for me I've met someone great, been going out a while, and I cant see any 'ifs or buts', literally no problems, she is a little younger than me, similarly professional, has worked with the military, has two teenagers that have nearly left home, similar sense of humour, outlook, values, taste in music, books, cinema. There are no awkward moments, we get on like a house on fire. I enjoy and want to spend time with her.

But I cant reconcile myself to thinking of this as long term, something is holding me back even though I don't want it to. I guess I'm just being cautious for once in my life, but is this normal? Does anyone else have this issue? Does it ever end?

More broadly, if any of you have moved on to a new relationship, how did you feel and how did you manage it?

I have thought about it, now 6 months into separation. Personally and honestly the prospect scares the hell out of me, the whole emotional, psychological and to some extent financial burden (yes that is the way I see it) I do not believe I will be in a position to endure at least in near mid-term to long term. To some extent I blame it my ex to have crushed my faith in a relationship. On the other hand, I don't want anything to come in the way of me and my ability to provide care to my children. Sorry sounding completely pessimistic, I must emphasize this is purely my own personal situation.
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#3
(11-29-2018, 02:39 PM)SeanS Wrote:
(11-29-2018, 02:13 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Thought I'd start a thread on new relationships, beyond the dating and how we start to think and then get involved in a new relationship. What worries us, what are our red lines, what are your tips and advice?

So for me I've met someone great, been going out a while, and I cant see any 'ifs or buts', literally no problems, she is a little younger than me, similarly professional, has worked with the military, has two teenagers that have nearly left home, similar sense of humour, outlook, values, taste in music, books, cinema. There are no awkward moments, we get on like a house on fire. I enjoy and want to spend time with her.

But I cant reconcile myself to thinking of this as long term, something is holding me back even though I don't want it to. I guess I'm just being cautious for once in my life, but is this normal? Does anyone else have this issue? Does it ever end?

More broadly, if any of you have moved on to a new relationship, how did you feel and how did you manage it?

I have thought about it, now 6 months into separation. Personally and honestly the prospect scares the hell out of me, the whole emotional, psychological and to some extent financial burden (yes that is the way I see it) I do not believe I will be in a position to endure at least in near mid-term to long term. To some extent I blame it my ex to have crushed my faith in a relationship. On the other hand, I don't want anything to come in the way of me and my ability to provide care to my children. Sorry sounding completely pessimistic, I must emphasize this is purely my own personal situation.

Yes, I've done the thinking of what happens 'if' we move in together, to the point where I'd want something like a contract drawing up, separate finances with a written agreement of who puts what amount in, this feels crazy to me as Im planning on how it will fail before it even starts. But then to top it off I then convince myself I wouldn't even move in, as its simply too much of a financial and emotional risk.

But sadly, behind the scenes I'm secretly looking at houses we could get on Rightmove, (she'd move in tomorrow...) I'm thinking how much I'd like to live with her, but terrified of the risks... like you suggest my faith in the concept of a 'relationship' is somewhat crushed.
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#4
Well, after my exes betreyal and finally getting to the stage of wanting another female in my life.

I started to sleep around with 7/8 woman since march.

Only one I felt a real connection and we were seeing each other for 2 months.

She wasn't over her ex so we called it quits. (I've mentioned about her on a previous chat)

I will be brutally honest, I don't think I can trust another female in a relationship again.
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#5
I've been seeing someone for about a month now. I worry about hurting her because i don't know what i want and i cant really tell how i feel about her. She's nice on the eye, but we aren't very similar personality-wise.

When we first had sex it just felt like the old days when you first sleep with someone - it was exciting and fun. But the next day i did feel a bit of sadness and guilt. I still do sometimes when i think about it in a certain way.

I thought about my daughter and felt i was doing wrong by her being in bed with someone other than her mum. I thought about the ex and how close we used to be. I thought about the fact i vowed to be with her for the rest of my life . . . That really meant something to me . . Just turned out it didnt to her

Then last weekend i was out with the new lady friend, eating, drinking, kissing, laughing . . And i did really start to feel sorry for the ex as she was at home trying to get our daughter to sleep all on her own. But this was her decision.

I wonder if i'm too soppy . . . But then i have to remind myself that the person i married has been gone for a long time now - and she's treated me like utter shit in the meantime.

Time will tell with the new one but i do think my feelings are developing and she seems keen too.

It just follows on with the theme of 2018 - surreal.
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#6
(11-29-2018, 02:13 PM)Mr Sandman Wrote: Thought I'd start a thread on new relationships, beyond the dating and how we start to think and then get involved in a new relationship. What worries us, what are our red lines, what are your tips and advice?

So for me I've met someone great, been going out a while, and I cant see any 'ifs or buts', literally no problems, she is a little younger than me, similarly professional, has worked with the military, has two teenagers that have nearly left home, similar sense of humour, outlook, values, taste in music, books, cinema. There are no awkward moments, we get on like a house on fire. I enjoy and want to spend time with her.

But I cant reconcile myself to thinking of this as long term, something is holding me back even though I don't want it to. I guess I'm just being cautious for once in my life, but is this normal? Does anyone else have this issue? Does it ever end?

More broadly, if any of you have moved on to a new relationship, how did you feel and how did you manage it?

This is exactly me bud, been going out 5 months had 2 holidays together no awkward moments at all, i'm the one with the baggage though... both own our homes, have cars etc we're an 40 mins away from each other by car, a far better women than my ex of 20 years yet i find that i don't want to commit 100%, there is a wall i suppose that we put up, subconsciously not wanting to be in the same predicament as we were with our exe's......
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#7
I think i posted something similar a while ago. After i split up with my ex i started seeing someone and i got carried away i think on reflection and she met my kids after maybe 3 months and shortly after that we split up.

fast forward a couple of years i have been seeing someone who i get on with very very well, not stupid and easy on the eye too. She like me has two children. Its been about a year or so although i have ended it twice but that was just me thinking with the little fella rather than the big brain. We have not spoken about meeting each others kids and although she is probably exactly what i need there is just a very small nagging doubt in my mind and i have no idea why.

We actually live 20 mins drive apart so to be fair it works perfect in that i have my own house and life and do what i want but still see her as often as i want.
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#8
I wouldn't go anywhere near a serious relationship until I know what it is I really need or want.

Has anybody looked into the Myers–Briggs traits.I find it really insightful.
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#9
(11-29-2018, 06:18 PM)Living Bate Wrote: I've been seeing someone for about a month now. I worry about hurting her because i don't know what i want and i cant really tell how i feel about her. She's nice on the eye, but we aren't very similar personality-wise.

When we first had sex it just felt like the old days when you first sleep with someone - it was exciting and fun. But the next day i did feel a bit of sadness and guilt. I still do sometimes when i think about it in a certain way.

I thought about my daughter and felt i was doing wrong by her being in bed with someone other than her mum. I thought about the ex and how close we used to be. I thought about the fact i vowed to be with her for the rest of my life . . . That really meant something to me . . Just turned out it didnt to her

Then last weekend i was out with the new lady friend, eating, drinking, kissing, laughing . . And i did really start to feel sorry for the ex as she was at home trying to get our daughter to sleep all on her own. But this was her decision.

I wonder if i'm too soppy . . . But then i have to remind myself that the person i married has been gone for a long time now - and she's treated me like utter shit in the meantime.

Time will tell with the new one but i do think my feelings are developing and she seems keen too.

It just follows on with the theme of 2018 - surreal.

no your not soppy, I have felt like that, am I betraying the ex.

But then you realise they are doing the same
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#10
(11-30-2018, 12:49 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: I have felt like that, am I betraying the ex.

But then you realise they are doing the same


betrayal is a word that describes one of my strongest feelings about how it unfolded with her....

i feel like she completely betrayed me......

i'm glad i've found someone new....even if it turns out to only be temporary.....i look forward to seeing her, and its nice to have someone text asking how my day was and stuff
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