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Long term effects of the trauma of separation & divorce - changes in yourself?
#11
Interesting, much of this is typical of the symptoms of anxiety (general anxiety disorder).

So in short for me, after 2 years:

• Worried about commitment
• Cautious/dithering
• Like to control my physical environment and admin
• A bit sad sometimes
• Risk taking

I am worried about commitment with another person, I rotate between being very happy being single and being desperate for a relationship. It leaves my relationships ‘strange’ some of the time, happy I’m with someone some of the time and then craving time alone or time with just my daughter.

I get past this by just saying I’m cautious and have been hurt and its going to take me time to accept someone in case I get hurt, this is a simple way of saying what I actually feel which is that I’m dithering.

This often coincides with me not fully enjoying time I spend with my girlfriend and that I’m happy to do my own thing, I sometimes unfairly find my girlfriend irritating when in fact she is nothing of the sort.

I am very, very tidy, rather than just tidy. it’s a way of me controlling my life, its bordering on OCD.

I’m annoyed (still after two years) that my ex-wife couldn’t put the effort in to save it.

I’ve become disinterested in my work, I thought aggression would be an issue, it hasn’t, I don’t sleep as well. I had picked up some risk taking behaviours but these have subsided. I’m still quite trusting.
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#12
It's a bit like a post traumatic stress thing - the caution and worry - but also sensible to a degree. I wasn't married to my ex but went through something similar with a previous ex. And a lot of it is - just time. Someone told me a divorce is sometimes a worse bereavement than a death because when someone dies they still love you but with a divorce they're living up the road, hate you and living with someone else! So the grief is bad. It's supposed to take about four years to fully get past a bereavement. The first year is the main one. Some people take more or less time depending on whehter they get stuck on an issue or stage of bereavement. It is very frustrating because you want to get on with your life but it's like treading water until you can get on with something more permanent or in a big way (although things happen and just fall into place sometimes). And more complex when you're still being a parent. The positive side to that is seeing your kids when you're there.

Living on your own - I totally agree with the whole sad TV film thing - I just couldn't do it - actually sold the TV and went out more and had breaks away and felt much better for that. I'd just go round to someone's house if I wanted to watch something in particular. For me that was no life at all - sitting at home watching TV on your own! I went to the cinema a lot. Had a few "cinema friends" male and female that i could hang out with without getting involved. And a pub quiz friend.

Speed dating can be a confidence booster - with no commitment!
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#13
It's really, really interesting to see what the longer term fall out has been for everyone, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I think it takes quite the level of self awareness to be able to even answer the question to be honest so good for us right?!

I've definitely felt more despondent, emotional, prone to negative self talk. But at the same time I think I'm better at spotting all of that and countering with positive thoughts, positive reinforcement.

For example I sometimes catch myself saying "I feel depressed" and I often catch that thought, look at it and think "Do I really? Or did I get too little sleep last night / haven't eaten / just read another depressing news story by mistake". 

Side note - I also seem to cry at the drop of a hat, I get really emotionally involved in things, relate to them a little too mush perhaps!
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#14
(01-22-2019, 12:04 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: Side note - I also seem to cry at the drop of a hat, I get really emotionally involved in things, relate to them a little too mush perhaps!

I understand and relate to that entirely. 

My view is if you are generally sensitive and have empathy to others, the cruelty and hostility by ex's
with young children blatantly used as pawn's in their thinking, fine tunes in us not only a great sense of sadness
to the hopelessness of it but gives a heightened sense of compassion for others.
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#15
January doesn't help. Soon be Spring - plus your ex was there with a new baby - maybe triggered something.
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#16
This is a great thread!

I agree with the guy who said he only feels safe from the world with the lights off watching Netflix.

I have this pattern that I can't seem to break. I get into bed at night, watch a film or series, listen to or read something positive, and I start to feel like I can handle whatever life throws at me. I even remind myself to hold onto that feeling. Then I fall asleep. Next morning I wake up feeling like it's the end of the world again. This happens pretty much every morning lately.

Sometimes I think it'd be a good thing if I fell over, bumped my head and ended up having amnesia. Like a factory reset! (No offence to anyone who has suffered from it!)

I've cried plenty of times in my life over a variety of things but for some reason the tears won't come out since my separation. I feel like a good cry would do me good but there's nothing. I think it's probably because it's not just sadness, - I'm also carrying around alot of bitterness, resentment and anger that I have to fight to suppress. Kinda in freeze mode right now.
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#17
(01-24-2019, 07:48 PM)Sector78G Wrote: This is a great thread!

I agree with the guy who said he only feels safe from the world with the lights off watching Netflix.

I have this pattern that I can't seem to break. I get into bed at night, watch a film or series, listen to or read something positive, and I start to feel like I can handle whatever life throws at me. I even remind myself to hold onto that feeling. Then I fall asleep. Next morning I wake up feeling like it's the end of the world again. This happens pretty much every morning lately.

Sometimes I think it'd be a good thing if I fell over, bumped my head and ended up having amnesia. Like a factory reset! (No offence to anyone who has suffered from it!)

I've cried plenty of times in my life over a variety of things but for some reason the tears won't come out since my separation. I feel like a good cry would do me good but there's nothing. I think it's probably because it's not just sadness, - I'm also carrying around alot of bitterness, resentment and anger that I have to fight to suppress. Kinda in freeze mode right now.

I can relate to this cycle.  I normally finish each day feeling fairly good, indifferent, relaxed. It's better if I've been out socially.  Then each morning the depression is back and it takes a while to lift. Sometimes it's a few minutes. Other times a few hours.  Weekends are better (I accept that the cycle of sleep/work/sleep/work was never an easy one for me).  And even the routine of evenings alone is starting to get me down just a bit. I wake up feeling trapped in my situation, lonely, depressed and in despair that what I thought was my life-relationship is over and that my "life partner" did what she did.  But I tell myself not to play the victim as well.  On the whole I'm pretty good, but the mornings are like this.  It'll be so much better when it warms up a bit and I wake up to daylight.  I normally moan about years flying by too quickly, but this autumn and winter - January especially, seem to be dragging on.  That first hour or so after getting up on dark mornings has always been hard for me since I was a young teenager, probably since I had a paper round. But I used to think of the dreams my partner and I shared.  I guess now they're gone (sorry - being a victim again).  It's hard to set realistic new goals and dreams while I'm trying to find my feet - while every minute of holiday time I get at work has to be used to cover the school holidays, while I'm trying to provide a home on my own for my kids for at least half the week AND working full-time.  All this hits hard first thing in the morning.
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#18
(01-24-2019, 09:00 PM)Fatcat1980 Wrote: I can relate to this cycle.  I normally finish each day feeling fairly good, indifferent, relaxed. It's better if I've been out socially.  Then each morning the depression is back and it takes a while to lift. Sometimes it's a few minutes. Other times a few hours.  Weekends are better (I accept that the cycle of sleep/work/sleep/work was never an easy one for me).  And even the routine of evenings alone is starting to get me down just a bit. I wake up feeling trapped in my situation, lonely, depressed and in despair that what I thought was my life-relationship is over and that my "life partner" did what she did.  But I tell myself not to play the victim as well.  On the whole I'm pretty good, but the mornings are like this.  It'll be so much better when it warms up a bit and I wake up to daylight.  I normally moan about years flying by too quickly, but this autumn and winter - January especially, seem to be dragging on.  That first hour or so after getting up on dark mornings has always been hard for me since I was a young teenager, probably since I had a paper round. But I used to think of the dreams my partner and I shared.  I guess now they're gone (sorry - being a victim again).  It's hard to set realistic new goals and dreams while I'm trying to find my feet - while every minute of holiday time I get at work has to be used to cover the school holidays, while I'm trying to provide a home on my own for my kids for at least half the week AND working full-time.  All this hits hard first thing in the morning.


I'm the opposite of that Fatcat1980 as in it all hits me at night....i'm fine in the morning as I hit the gym,go to work and get things done...its at night when I realise that i'm alone and I get all panicky.

Like you I try not to play the victim and I do have huge periods of positively looking forward to the future...but then out of nowhere it hits me and I find myself mumbling "29 years together and she goes and does this.." and I get all tearful.

I'm nowhere down the timeline that many of you are as my divorce is only going through and we're all still in same house but things are moving quickly,papers are being signed and sent in and today she had her friend round to help sort/pack  the mountains of stuff she's accumulated ...coming home from work today after a really shitty day and seeing all that stuff bagged up and ready to go just set me off in tears.

Perhaps the warmer weather and lighter days will bring better times but reading the posts above in this thread does make me wonder quite what that future will be.
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#19
What a great thread and proud of you all for sharing your feelings, it’s an un-bloke thing to do.
I have been 15 months separated and it has got easier but I still have very down days.
As divorce was not my choice and she cheated, it’s always in my mind, what are they up to, someone else sleeping with her etc, you can drive yourself crazy.
The vision I had of growing old and watching the kids grow up has been taken away from me and this is what I find the hardest, just the routine of normal family life and now I am on my own. I have begun to adapt and there are moments I really enjoy it but there will always be sadness / loneliness and this will last a long time.
I try to keep myself busy but always thinking of the life I had and it’s really hard approaching 42 and starting again from scratch.
I thought I wanted to step into a new relationship to kind of replace her but in truth I haven’t been ready and need to find happiness in myself again before I can commit to something new.

Stay strong guys, keep positive and keep posting your thoughts.
Ps getting a Nintendo switch saved me last year, back to my youth with Zelda and MARIO!!

What a great thread and proud of you all for sharing your feelings, it’s an un-bloke thing to do.
I have been 15 months separated and it has got easier but I still have very down days.
As divorce was not my choice and she cheated, it’s always in my mind, what are they up to, someone else sleeping with her etc, you can drive yourself crazy.
The vision I had of growing old and watching the kids grow up has been taken away from me and this is what I find the hardest, just the routine of normal family life and now I am on my own. I have begun to adapt and there are moments I really enjoy it but there will always be sadness / loneliness and this will last a long time.
I try to keep myself busy but always thinking of the life I had and it’s really hard approaching 42 and starting again from scratch.
I thought I wanted to step into a new relationship to kind of replace her but in truth I haven’t been ready and need to find happiness in myself again before I can commit to something new.

Stay strong guys, keep positive and keep posting your thoughts.
Ps getting a Nintendo switch saved me last year, back to my youth with Zelda and MARIO!!

What a great thread and proud of you all for sharing your feelings, it’s an un-bloke thing to do.
I have been 15 months separated and it has got easier but I still have very down days.
As divorce was not my choice and she cheated, it’s always in my mind, what are they up to, someone else sleeping with her etc, you can drive yourself crazy.
The vision I had of growing old and watching the kids grow up has been taken away from me and this is what I find the hardest, just the routine of normal family life and now I am on my own. I have begun to adapt and there are moments I really enjoy it but there will always be sadness / loneliness and this will last a long time.
I try to keep myself busy but always thinking of the life I had and it’s really hard approaching 42 and starting again from scratch.
I thought I wanted to step into a new relationship to kind of replace her but in truth I haven’t been ready and need to find happiness in myself again before I can commit to something new.

Stay strong guys, keep positive and keep posting your thoughts.
Ps getting a Nintendo switch saved me last year, back to my youth with Zelda and MARIO!!
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#20
I love my Switch Wink
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