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Can’t let go of bitterness.
#21
That makes me sad - I have never had a text message from son except when he is here with me and we're out and about. Then he calls me shit face lol.
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#22
I deal with the exact same emotions on a daily basis that OP makes. It's a strange situation where the more my ex lies about me, the more hurt I become. Yet at the same time, those same lies make me feel better about myself as they are validating who is the good guy and who is the bad.

I've requested that I buy my children (10,6) a cheap PAYG mobile so that I don't have to speak to the ex too, but she says she doesn't think they are old enough. Such nonsense, all it need do is sit on the desktop, it'd be no different from a house phone.
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#23
(01-23-2019, 09:17 AM)Sector78G Wrote: I deal with the exact same emotions on a daily basis that OP makes. It's a strange situation where the more my ex lies about me, the more hurt I become. Yet at the same time, those same lies make me feel better about myself as they are validating who is the good guy and who is the bad.

I've requested that I buy my children (10,6) a cheap PAYG mobile so that I don't have to speak to the ex too, but she says she doesn't think they are old enough. Such nonsense, all it need do is sit on the desktop, it'd be no different from a house phone.

My kids have mobiles and are the same ages as yours.   They all have Whatsapp.  They are free to contact either parent to say Good Morning, Good Night, or if they're upset.  Yes, they play us off against each other sometimes, especially when they're in trouble.  But personally I think it's a fantastic idea.  They have both parents with them all the time.  What's not to like about that?
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#24
I like Fatcat's way - and it's great if both parents do it. In my case it is all one way and I wish phones weren't on the scene. Son has a smartphone which is completely controlled by his Mother via an app - she can block calls and contacts and turn it on and off and lock it remotely! He is not allowed to use it to contact me - doesn't even have my number on it). I don't think he even knows where it is. Because it was bought purely to come to my house. He has another better smartphone at his Mums for playing games. Even if he had my number he wouldn't dare contact me because she would punish him cruelly. And I did not manage to get that across to the courts.

He does now have a phone here - he can't take it back with him (and doesn't want to because his Mum will throw it away as everything that goes back there gets confiscated and thrown away). I have just accepted that as I see him every few days it is better to forget the whole phone contact thing. He has a phone in each house and a spyphone he brings with him. He knows my rules and manages to keep occasional text contact with his Mother to keep her happy while leaving the phone in another room (my rules) so we can get on with our lives. And he has his phone here for when we're out and about, to play games on etc. They do love their smartphones. Initially she punished him for following my rules but that was pre-coiurt and it was impressed on her that it was my decision. It took the flack away from son because it was my fault :-) Eventually it has been accepted that she can't interfere as much as she would like.

Big rumpus here when they got introduced as son was only 8 - I wanted to wait till he was 11 to avoid them being abused. Had to give in when he was 9.

I would not want any phone contact or texts etc with my son now as I know his Mother would send them and pretend to be him and it would be very unpleasant. That has happened once (she was trying to not be in breach of the order which said she had to give me the number of his smartphone from her house - so she sent a text from it - I doubt it is the ight number anyway! And it was almost laughable that it was clearly her - trying to make out my son was dictating that i should pick him up from school later one night.

So it really depends on your situation as to whether phone contact is a good thing or not. Sometimes it's best to have uninterrupted time with them and give it at their Mother's as well. But if yu're recently separated and the ex isn't a lying tricksy type, then it could help them adjust knowing they can have the odd contact.

So basically - smartphones can be great - but they can also be used in a very nasty way to enhance parental alienation, pressurise the kids into saying - I want to go home to Mum. If you have any issues with parental alienation I would keep phone contact to a minimum and not expect to get anything genuine in the way of phone contact.

Got some great tips on avoiding disruption due to phones from this book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Co-parenting-To...a+toxic+ex
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