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What to say to one's child
#1
On the last several occasions whenever my 7 year has come to stay with me, she has spontaneously cried. A kind of deeply felt sorrow , quite different to other childish tantrums. Uncontroably crying. It usually doesn't last long, but I know it is on her mind all the time.

Invariably she goes on and says in tears things along the lines of I feel so sad you have seperated. I want to be with both you together. I see so little of you during school time.

Last time she even asked me did your mum and dad seperate? To which I answered no, then she cried even more.

I am always lost for words. All I tend to do is hug her lots and say I know, but we both love you and will always be with you.

But it never feels enough. How would you deal with such situation? What to say or do. Any advice is appreciated.
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#2
All I can do is tell you that you're saying the right things.  That you both love her and that you'll never stop being her dad.  That sometimes relationships end and that you both still love each other but don't want to be husband/wife/partners anymore.  My ex and I aren't arguing - there has been hardly any obvious conflict - and I think this has made it easier for my kids.

Make a fuss of her but don't spoil her and maintain boundaries as these make kids feel secure.  Make sure you allow her to feel what she feels i.e. don't deny her feelings but saying things like "oh come on, you can't be feeling upset about something as silly as that... " but rather acknowledge them and help her to recognise them and describe them, even if they seem trivial or unwarranted to you.  

I asked my kids the other day how many children in their class had parents that had separated, expecting it to be about half.  But it backfired a bit because it turned out virtually none of them had.  Ooops!
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#3
Thanks Fatcat. Good advice. Funny I asked mine the same question about her schoolmates tonight, hoping for similar answer. She said she didn't know. Not what I was looking for, but better than yours at least.
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#4
I had the same thing. Son is in a small school and the only one in that situation I think. There might be one other.

The only other thing I can suggest is start a new routine for when you pick her up/she arrives. This happened by accident with me when I had a fairly long journey to collect son midweek when he was litte, so we used to stop off at a playpark or for tea somewhere to break the journey. It gives a bit of normal fun bonding time before they "hit" the whole home environment bit and remember it's different.
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#5
Charlie that sounds like a good idea. My arrangement is a little different, in that she is dropped off by her mum at my place on alternate weekends and I take her back on Sunday night to her mum

It has never occurred to me she is upset for comming to me, quite the contrary, she is always excited, if a little tired and she tends to get upset on Sundays that she has to go. She loves the two weeks worth of dad attention she gets on those two days. But at the same time she doesn't really consider my place as her proper home, and quite understandably so.

I feel she is torn. She doesnt want the weekend to end, but also she misses her mum not being there.

Not sure if she feels the same way when she is with her mum.
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#6
It's the transition from one parent to the other that is hard for them. It's often why courts like collections to be to and from school - the kids have a day to adjust between going from one home to the other. When they go straight from one home to the other one it is sudden and the transition can be harder for them to adjust to. Even after years of it, my son was difficult the first night, and different - by the next day he was happy and had adjusted into his home here and with me. I reckoned the first night was partly how he was at his Mum's (a bit like her - bossy and demanding) and partly missing being there and adjusting to being here. Next day he was a different child, happy, funny and well behaved and very sweet. The kids see two totally different lifestyles and have to work out how to change themselves to fit in every few days.

Is there anything you can do at your home so she feels more like it's home there too? It made a big difference to son when he was about 5 when I redid his bedroom. So it was more like a permanent bedroom - had a toybox in there, a bookshelf with favourite books on, a new duvet , a little bedside reading lamp (that was expensive - finding one that was childsafe - could only find one at Ikea) - a star wars rug and a cardboard life sized R2 d2 in one corner (he still loves that). Furniture isn't that important - one chestof drawers - better to have kids stuff. And a kind of bean bag seat he could sit on in there. He was over the moon. At their age they can easily be distracted into forgetting sad things, and also distracted into havig something to look forward to.

Maybe you could ask your ex to drop her somewhere else - eg supermarket - go shopping with her (they like sitting in the shopping trolley) let her choose a comic, and have a drink there or some tea, and then go home. Gets expensive but bribery works lol. And it's a distraction. I also did the supermarket comic thing for a few years. In the car coming back he then spent ages messing about withthe comic and talking to me about it. He never read it they just want the free toys.
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