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MY SON BRAIN WASHED BY HIS MOTHER
#1
Hi not sure where to start

My son now age 7 lived with me for 24 months has his mother was unable to cope we split when my son was 18months through out the split my son would live we me on off until his mother decided it was best for my son to live with me full time. She have him every two weeks for the weekend only and that only took place when she had time until one day after an argument she did not return him instead went to court claiming I was not a good dad. This being the mother that give her son up. We went to court where she was granted my son to live with her, My x partner is the most cunning and knows every trick in the book she is the biggest liar to walk this earth.

Now a contact orders in place where I have him every other weekend and half off all school holidays since my son been with his mother he's an emotional unhappy little boy his mother has told him so may liars she tells him what to say and what to do to cause trouble for me not seeing what she doing or how is effecting her son she has put so much pressure on his should he feels he as to defend his mother and not let her down.

When he's with me things are great its quality time until I have to tell him off my god doe's he turn mum's right your bad I am telling mum and there's no reasoning with him. My son is controlled by his mother he was very much a happy funny little boy and due to his mothers liars he no longer wants to see me.

This has just broke me and to think his mother can do all off this to us because she can I truly think the best thing for me to do his walk away and hope one day when my son older he would understand y. I can not sit back and watch my son full apart at the clutches of his  mother when she knows and does it to hurt me and turned my son against me.

Its hard for a farther that love his child watch the mother turn your son against you we where so close he his my life but to stop his hurt and anger I feel I should walk away.
Would like to hear if other dads are going through the same.
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#2
Hi Martinb, welcome.

I wouldn't walk away, he'll not understand now, and even if you do re-establish things as he grows older he might be more angry because he felt you deserted him now. Stick with it no matter how hard you find it. Sit back and try to be objective about why he reacts the way he does. I find I never have to tell my 8 year old off, not because she's perfect, but I head off the bad behaviour before it starts. It means having eyes in the back of your head but it can be done. You'll soon notice the signs and deal with it. His behaviour could also be a strange form of wanting attention, as it sounds like his mum gives him the attention as he demands it of her.

Regarding your ex, if she's insecure about her relationship with her son she's more likely to pander to his whims and let him get away with more because she fears he'll turn against her. Ultimately this will backfire on her once he figures out he holds most of the cards.

Stick with things, it'll be better for your boy in the long run, if you do find the need to chastise him for something, explain why his behaviour is wrong and not acceptable to you, keep it calm and I'm sure in time things will come good. Nobody said being a parent was easy Smile

I don't think she'd listen, but if you can try to explain to your ex that slagging you off to your son will only give him issues regarding his self esteem as he's half you as much as half her. Hopefully she's a better parent than a partner and it might strike a chord. If she doesn't see it or can't see it then all you can do is make the most of the positive influence you can bring into his life.
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#3
(04-02-2016, 12:58 PM)Norfolk n Good Wrote: Hi Martinb, welcome.

I wouldn't walk away, he'll not understand now, and even if you do re-establish things as he grows older he might be more angry because he felt you deserted him now. Stick with it no matter how hard you find it. Sit back and try to be objective about why he reacts the way he does. I find I never have to tell my 8 year old off, not because she's perfect, but I head off the bad behaviour before it starts. It means having eyes in the back of your head but it can be done. You'll soon notice the signs and deal with it. His behaviour could also be a strange form of wanting attention, as it sounds like his mum gives him the attention as he demands it of her.

Regarding your ex, if she's insecure about her relationship with her son she's more likely to pander to his whims and let him get away with more because she fears he'll turn against her. Ultimately this will backfire on her once he figures out he holds most of the cards.

Stick with things, it'll be better for your boy in the long run, if you do find the need to chastise him for something, explain why his behaviour is wrong and not acceptable to you, keep it calm and I'm sure in time things will come good. Nobody said being a parent was easy Smile

I don't think she'd listen, but if you can try to explain to your ex that slagging you off to your son will only give him issues regarding his self esteem as he's half you as much as half her. Hopefully she's a better parent than a partner and it might strike a chord. If she doesn't see it or can't see it then all you can do is make the most of the positive influence you can bring into his life.

I agree, but also its worth keeping notes of what is going on,  and very important to do so if you can prove it, just to cover your back if it gets worse and you have to return to court.

I know via my own case, its a better process to go back to vary an existing order, than starting afresh. To apply to vary an order, you need to evidance a handfull of reasons, what do not pre date the order being made, to justify grounds for the order to be looked at again.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#4
(04-02-2016, 12:58 PM)Norfolk n Good Wrote: Hi Martinb, welcome.

I wouldn't walk away, he'll not understand now, and even if you do re-establish things as he grows older he might be more angry because he felt you deserted him now. Stick with it no matter how hard you find it. Sit back and try to be objective about why he reacts the way he does. I find I never have to tell my 8 year old off, not because she's perfect, but I head off the bad behaviour before it starts. It means having eyes in the back of your head but it can be done. You'll soon notice the signs and deal with it. His behaviour could also be a strange form of wanting attention, as it sounds like his mum gives him the attention as he demands it of her.

Regarding your ex, if she's insecure about her relationship with her son she's more likely to pander to his whims and let him get away with more because she fears he'll turn against her. Ultimately this will backfire on her once he figures out he holds most of the cards.

Stick with things, it'll be better for your boy in the long run, if you do find the need to chastise him for something, explain why his behaviour is wrong and not acceptable to you, keep it calm and I'm sure in time things will come good. Nobody said being a parent was easy Smile

I don't think she'd listen, but if you can try to explain to your ex that slagging you off to your son will only give him issues regarding his self esteem as he's half you as much as half her. Hopefully she's a better parent than a partner and it might strike a chord. If she doesn't see it or can't see it then all you can do is make the most of the positive influence you can bring into his life.
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#5
(04-02-2016, 05:29 PM)martinb Wrote:
(04-02-2016, 12:58 PM)Norfolk n Good Wrote: Hi Martinb, welcome.

I wouldn't walk away, he'll not understand now, and even if you do re-establish things as he grows older he might be more angry because he felt you deserted him now. Stick with it no matter how hard you find it. Sit back and try to be objective about why he reacts the way he does. I find I never have to tell my 8 year old off, not because she's perfect, but I head off the bad behaviour before it starts. It means having eyes in the back of your head but it can be done. You'll soon notice the signs and deal with it. His behaviour could also be a strange form of wanting attention, as it sounds like his mum gives him the attention as he demands it of her.

Regarding your ex, if she's insecure about her relationship with her son she's more likely to pander to his whims and let him get away with more because she fears he'll turn against her. Ultimately this will backfire on her once he figures out he holds most of the cards.

Stick with things, it'll be better for your boy in the long run, if you do find the need to chastise him for something, explain why his behaviour is wrong and not acceptable to you, keep it calm and I'm sure in time things will come good. Nobody said being a parent was easy Smile

I don't think she'd listen, but if you can try to explain to your ex that slagging you off to your son will only give him issues regarding his self esteem as he's half you as much as half her. Hopefully she's a better parent than a partner and it might strike a chord. If she doesn't see it or can't see it then all you can do is make the most of the positive influence you can bring into his life.

Thanks for getting back to me,

When you hear off a broken man that's me my x has kicked me below the belt time after time I didn't thinks she could scoop so low. I was in a six years relationship with her split for 2 weeks she came back announced she was pregnant we got back together  and set up home I had the perfect little girl every thing was great felt like king of the world than she fell pregnant with my son this where it all went wrong saying she could never love a 2nd child has much as her first born this I couldn't get my head round. She arranged a scan than a abortion I begged her not to go through with it. Once he was born she changed more anger than before would go out her way to make scene  if we where out. Her parents said she all ways hard work and  would argue with a stone in the road.
I was asked to leave and stayed with my parents  she phone one day and said if you don't take your son she would put him into care. from a very young age my son lived with me. There was no connection or early bond between mother and son.
God was he happy he was in a loving and stable home life there was no issue to report just the odd tantrum like any other child.
I payed  child allowance for both children even though my son lived with me and I would have my daughter at weekends but more and more my x would not let up I gave in to her every demand until one day I said no then she through at me you could be bring up another mans baby every time she didn't get her own way. Till one day I decided to do a dna test the result didn't mean anything to me I was that child dad I was the first to hold her she calls me dad she mine no matter what but that wasn't the case my x knew along with her family I wasn't her dad knowing how much  I loved her and my family yet she stopped me seeing her and took my name off her birth certificate and felt the need to tell my son his biological dad is not your half sister dad y would you do that and turn the kids live upside down and make them different from each other y.

My son come out with things that only an adult would say he's so confused and angry and yet when he's with me it fun all the way, Until I would say up the table tea time no he would say mummy said I don't have to and I don't have to do what you say what good is that for my son can she not see what she doing.
Since our split the children have had to get to know so many other partners now she had a third baby three children by three different dads  and she told my son when she get married her partner is his dad y.

She has just told me she moving away with this new guy and people tell me to hold in there I got nothing to hold on to my x as strip me of my farther's  rights and the judge allow it to happen.

My son and I where doing great were so happy until she decided to take it all away. Cant watch what my son going through now she has the upper hand all the time if I am not around he wouldn't have to go through all the drama set out by his mother its all most like his living two life's and it kills is mother that we do love each other and need to be together  she needs him to hate me then she got what she set out to do.
If only my son knew what his mother as done.
If I left would hope my son will play his mother up so much she give him back and I could get him back to just being a child again.

I have had to fight for my son even before he was born and till present what my x has put us through my son is the one that's suffering I need that suffering to stop me out the way maybe she be a good mum and let it drop.
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#6
Don't beat yourself up over her behaviour, it won't make any difference and won't do you or your children any good. As far as you can, forget the ex and what she does. Concentrate on the kids, which although not always fun, is ultimately much more worthwhile.

Sometimes things don't go our way, it's how we deal with it and move forwards that make the difference. If you find you're having problems dealing with things, don't suffer alone.....no man is an island and help, whether informal on here, or professional, is always available once you know where it is.
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#7
Hello Martin,

It is heartbreaking to read your story and to know you witness very similar things.
It's our children that hurt most and I also get slagged off. It even got to the point that it seemed no matter what I did, I was only adding to my daughters stress and pain that; I thought maybe it was best too if I just walked away and waited for me daughter to approach me when she feels comfortable.
But I can't sit back and do that because I want my daughter to have a better childhood and I want her to enjoy her youth and experience life socially. It is so frustrating though because it does feel that the more I try to help the more harm is done Sad

I think - we have to stay and be by our childs side so when they do need us, we are there.
I can only hope my daughter, your son and other children in this terrible situation will come to stand up for their own voice sooner rather than later.

Best wishes.
Gav.
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