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what is her plan?
#1
hi,

Separated in November 18, still living in a jointly owned but mortgaged property with our 2 children.

She desperatly wants me to leave and asks me daily to go.


She accused me of all kinds of abuse, threats and is has started bad mouthing me to everyone of our friends that will listen. She also keeps instigating arguments and recording me.

I can only assume that she is trying to prove some kind of DA claim (so she can get legal aid?)

I've told her that it's just financially not possible for me to move out at this time.. we have no savings and id literally be starting again and would then need some money to get me started. I just need her to help which she won't.

now she's got her mum involved and she has also made a threat toward me yesterday .. "saying..youll be out of here soon, you'll see".

I'm wondering if my ex is hatching some kind of plan? if she says something to do with domestic abuse then she would have to lie. I'm wondering if her and mum would stoop to a level where they would both lie (her mum offer to be a witness)

i know it shouldn't but it's just shaken me.. I suffer with depression/anxiety at the best of times let alone with all this going on.

Crazy isn't it, all in asking is to not be thrown out of my own home with nothing so I can build a new home for me and my kids. Considering she gets to live in our beautiful (recently extended and fully finished) home!

You'd think I was asking for the world.

What do you think they could be doing? I think they are going to use every trick in the book to get me out.
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#2
Yes unfortunately its only going to be a matter of time when they will try and get a reaction out of you or start a load of false allegations.
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#3
Yep with her getting the MIL involved i'd say plans are afoot...I'm guessing as your STBX and her mother sit down for a cup of tea at the table that you no doubt paid for...you are the topic of conversation and they'll be discussing how to fuck you over....sorry to say this and I have no real advice other than don't leave the house, don't react to provocation, film any nasty stuff on your phone.

My divorce seems to be going through amicably but my STBX is heading off to her native France for 3 weeks tomorrow...I'm really worried that once her family get in her ear all bets will be off and i'll be screwed.
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#4
I've replied to your PM so not much point in me repeating it all here.

Others are already saying the same, plans are afoot so stick with what's being said & above all, don't lose your head with her.
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#5
Yes it needs getting over the shock of realising that when it comes to separation - dirty tricks are the name of the game and expect lies galore because people are trying to get the best for themselves and on opposite sides of the battle.

Your instincts are right - she is trying to fake some evidence for DV. So she will get legal aid and it will take you about a year to see your kids probably, after she has got you out of the house.

So - you need to protect yourself and pre-empt that as much as possible. Keep notes and diaries and records. Email them to yourself so they are dated and timed and can be accessed online wherever you are (if you have an online email address like gmail or outlook). If she knows your email password, set up a new gmail account for this purpose.

Write a diary note for the day she got her phone out to video and what happened, and write that you are concerned that this was to try and fake a claim of domestic violence in order to get legal aid. Although written after the event you can say on x day at x time xyz happened. And it will have been written before any chucking out or arrest (if that is her intention) so validated.

Another diary note (a few short ones is better than one long one). About the incident with her Mother. Keep it short and factual and just a short bit about how you felt or what you were worried about. Or what you said (if it was reasonable!).

Another one about how you want to discuss sensibly with ex, how financially you will both manage if separated and how she refuses to discuss this and just wants you to leave the house.

Also put together a file of all the work done on the house, all the invoices and bills (or scan them and put them in a file on a pc or tablet that is portable).

ie prepare for being thrown out - and have everything portable and accessible and hopefully it won't happen. There are cases of Dads being arrested on their own driveway when they got home and never getting back in the house again, afterthe ex took out an urgent non molestation order.

So - what can you do? Avoid contact with her - try and stay in a separate part of the house. If you wish to discuss anything with her, do it by email - so it's recorded andkeep that email businesslke and formal and polite - not too personal - and short. (Someone might have to read all this).

So something like - you propose that while living in the same house as a separated couple, you each have a particular area of the house so you each have some space from each other. Suggest a bedroom each and possibly another room each and say if she agrees you will live in those two areas and move your possessions in there, and only use the kitchen between x hour and x hour.

Then another brief email proposing that you need to go to mediation to have someone help with resolving how to divide finances and sort housing and child arrangements for the future.

You may just get a load of blah back to both, but those two emails will support you in the future, whether in court, or with the police. The written word can be blindingly helpful and people see you are normal and reasonable ad she has an agenda.

Make sure you also write diary notes about good bits. Eg - Ex name and I both had a nice time with the kids today and all went to the playpark. Or I cooked tea for the kids today as ex name had a night class. Or I put kids to bed tonight as ex name went to the pub with her Mother. Or child a came home from school with a great model she had made and we played with it for an hour before tea.

All of this, written down ad recorded, builds a picture and is admissable as evidence in court. Videos are not admissable in court (although could be shown to the police).

If she starts recording you again, leave the room.

Be prepared and then it's not so scary. If she emails back saying you're harrassing her, don;t email or text again. It isn't harrassmet as it was reasonable and only two short emails.

Get a MIAM booked with a mediator. Ring round mediators (google family mediation in your area) and make an appointment with the one you like the sound of. You go on your own to the first one. It's what you need to have done if you apply to court for child arrangements and they may give some good advice. They will then invite your ex to attend directly. If she refuses, you get signed off - and that will last for 3 months (I think - may be four months). You're then free to apply to court for child arrangements

If you have an order fort that before you move out, she can't screw you overre finances andthe house using the children as leverage. You may need to think of an emergency bolthole though.

And think through how you could afford to rent. Your only obligation financially, if you move, is to pay child support. Although if the mortgage is in joint names you are both liable, so if she doesn'tpay it they come after you.

At this stage you want to be separating any joint accounts and having your own account. Maybe try and remortgage on interest only to reduce the payments.

Mediation might help with this too to try and get agreements - if she goes.
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#6
Try not to move out, I stayed put in the matrimonial home and this helped me no end in child and financial proceedings. I talk from experience, she will try and provoke you to get adverse reactions from you that she can use later down the line. As Charlie suggests; essentially, you need to start living as a separated couple. Start documenting everything and avoid any face to face discussions, these emails/texts will help you in case she starts to get very hostile later down the line.

Time is key here - get mediation initiated and if you cannot reach an agreement then get that court application in.
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#7
You could also wire the house up with spy cameras... er, security cameras.
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#8
All excellent advice from above.

As Noel-1972 said, spy cameras and phone recorder app. You can get cameras that you can put on yourself running off a battery and have the recording app for good measure.

My ex slapped me with a non mol for legal aid, which she got, but I got it discharged and cross/joint undertaking was given simply because I provided a transcript of a recording of a discussion we had when we talked about her threatening me with a knife, she accepted cross undertaking straight away.

My ex even lied when she picked up her things saying that I threatened her. I was standing next to a police officer all the time when she collected her things. I simply offered to provide the audio recording (via phone app) of the exchange we had when she came to collect her things. Thankfully I did not need to use it.
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#9
She has a plan for sure - lots of good advice here, I'd advise also protecting your online and digital self. So make sure she cant access any of your social media, change passwords for computers, if you have a PC or laptop and she can get on it god knows how much really harmful stuff she could load onto it...
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#10
With regards to recorders and spy cameras - you can get very discreet recorders that look like a calculator, pen, plugs, usb's and lighters. They may be expensive but well worth it. I know the one I purchased recently for my son to carry may be worth every penny after what his ex has accused him off.

Charlie700 - can I ask something in relation to what you advised - They will then invite your ex to attend directly. If she refuses, you get signed off - and that will last for 3 months (I think - may be four months). You're then free to apply to court for child arrangements

My son went to mediation who then invited his ex partner - she never responded and the case was closed 22.11.18. He has however received notification she has re-engaged 30.01.19. He has accepted the invitation, on advice of our solicitor but just wondering should he have or just proceeded to court? It will most likely go to court anyway as everything is her way or no way and is extremely manipulative.
Thanks
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