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Still having relapses
#1
It's now 9 months for me and the fact that I split up with the mother of my kids is now normal. Yet I still go through times where my head is all over the place and I'm still in disbelief, almost denial.

We've lived apart for 6 months.  She's nuts - our beliefs and values are leagues apart these days.  I hear things that still hurt - like who she was sleeping with just after we split up and things about the guy she fell in love with before we split up (yes - there were at least 2!).  But generally I brush this off quite quickly now and go back to thinking about my own life and future.

But she has cleaned up her act quite a bit. No more drinking and drugs apparently and she seems much more into the kids.  Our house is all but sold and I guess this is quite scary.  A couple of days ago she texted me and said she thinks we should talk about us, as in why it went wrong and what happened with the guy she was infatuated with (still is as far as I know).  Why do I need to listen to her blaming me when I can do nothing about it now?  Hear her justify her actions?  Her time to talk to me if we were failing was before she started something with another man.  I told her it wasn't something I wanted to talk about right now and she accepted this. But it's totally screwed my head up for a few days.  I don't know whether she wanted to sit and explain herself to make herself feel less guilty - that's what I thought at first.  Or is it more than that?  She dropped the kids off after school yesterday and she seemed unhappy but didn't say anything.  What prompted the sudden need to discuss out past?  For me, it just means more pain but I'm still intrigued.  I wonder if she's starting to feel resentful that all the blame for the split landed with her.  Quite rightly, many would argue.

And now I find myself mourning the loss of my family life again, finding it impossible to accept that it's over.  I'm questioning whether I'm doing the right thing for the kids in selling the home and moving to a new place - they have so many friends locally.  I'm grieving for the loss of the happiest relationship I ever had and the best friend. I'm jealous that another man twas taking her out.

9 months - am I being too hard on myself?  And have I rushed things?  How do I get my feet back on the ground! I was doing so well.
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#2
I totally feel for you & I'm in exactly the same boat (emotionally), I'm 8 & bit months in now.

This Monday gone, for example, I couldn't have been more down if I tried. All I could see in my head were scenes of my boys playing in the garden, playing out with their friends, memories of past family holidays & then images of her, just deciding to put an end to it all & tearing it all apart. Total sadness mixed in with feelings of loss at one end & utter contempt for her at the other. I was a mess at work, barely got a thing done, drove home in a complete daze while over thinking everything & to top it off it was her Birthday so when I got home I had to sit there playing all happy while the boys gave her cards & presents (buying them for her on their behalf was one almighty struggle too).

We're edging ever closer to getting the house on the market but I keep getting those reminders from her as to how she'll be "fucked" if she can't get the mortgage she needs. I try to offer assistance, advice, some financial strategies for her but I just get shot down for it then the bickering ensues.

I also keep questioning myself over the sale of the house. No way is she going to be able to get anything like we have at the moment (neither will I) & all that results in is me feeling guilty again & thinking I'm screwing my kids over.

I don't really know what to say to you here but believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. One day I'm up, feeling as positive as I can right now & looking at every way I can make my future with my boys as best as I can make it & the next, I feel like utter shit & that I'm failing my boys by pursuing with the sale of the house when I ought to be walking away with my tail between my legs so they can stay there.

I'm going to stay on track, get this house sold & get my own place sorted but I'm under no illusion that I'm going to pick myself back up anytime soon. I simply can't right now so I'm taking each day at a time & the rough & smooth that goes with it.

You will get there, you will realise that you've made the right decisions & that there is light at the end of a very long & dark tunnel but until you do, this seems to be the standard shit for blokes forced to make life changing decisions against their will.
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#3
Lads, i am going to be brutally honest here.

I am approaching almost 2 years and i am still in the same boat.

Can do really well, and then all of a sudden flashbacks happen, its my birthday this week, and my daughters.

Horrible knowing theres no family around like it used to be.

My parents have been a god send but they are both in their 60s and really dont know how i will cope when they go
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#4
I have a good friend who went through arguably worse than me but still can't believe it after many many years. So yes, you're being brutally honest but it doesn't scare me.

Dan - we need a beer.

Dan - I keep coming back to this thought that mine should've stayed at the house and carried on the kids' childhood as normal so that they weren't too badly affected.  It's a tempting thought.  But it's been pointed out to me that I'd have been miserable.  There are a dozen reasons why it would've been wrong.  Yes, the kids lose their home but I didn't end the relationship.  She did all this.  I'm just looking to ensure we can both move on fairly.  I sense she is looking to apportion blame now. She's done with feeling guilty.  I've been warned this would happen and I'm not ready for it.
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#5
Fatcat ... dude this takes time my friend lots of time, research shows at least a month for every year to start feeling better and less attached to what we've had, BUT remember this your the hurt one in this scenario, i recall from the past call's and pm's that you would never get back if correct ... you don't have to listen to her and don't be intrigued buddy ... you know in your own mind why it ended and your still battling that in the back of your mind, please don't let her screw your progress up buddy....
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#6
I'm almost 4 months in and still have the ups and downs, perfectly normal though when you've been part of something for so long. Don't miss my EX one bit but I miss being around the children on a daily basis. Hang in there, family are a god send for me and keeping busy always helps me focus on something else, it's tough but I do believe it will get easier in time.
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#7
Its perfectly normal to feel like this, we was use to the family set up and things have changed.

Believe me your ex will have these ups and downs too and thoughts of old times, their not invincible.

But what's the point in being together if you was both unhappy.

As long as your kids are happy thats all that matters! their not toddlers/young kids for long.. they don't play in the garden when their 12 yrs old. They grow up soon enough and they will always want you and you will always be their dad.
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#8
What strikes me is how similar we all are in that we are all going through a process where our brains are doing their job of reframing our lives. But within this process there is a lot of room for different feelings and experiences. I often feel like it's taking me longer than most to adjust to and accept my new reality, but I'm coming to accept that it's just my specific interpretation and I'm still comfortably within the limits of "normal". As long as we are allowing ourselves to feel all this shit we can't really go wrong. We just have to wait. I'm over a year in and I'm coping better on a day to day basis, but I still want my STBX and family back. Not my STBX as she is now, but the version she used to be.
Fatcat - you appear to doing "well" considering your situation.

We've got enough to cope with without beating ourselves up about how badly we are coping with it!
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#9
Thanks guys.  Thing is, I wasn't unhappy.  We weren't arguing. We both supported one another a great deal.   At the time, she said she was unhappy and had felt like it for years but many people that knew her said this was rubbish and I'm inclined to agree.  While we were going through our split we had a conversation during which she admitted that, actually, she wasn't unhappy.   But we had grown apart over recent months and she had become obsessed with new interests.  She changed a lot.  I guess I'm still doing the "if only" thing.  Why didn't she talk to me before destroying us?  Why didn't she see the bigger picture?  We were making amazing plans together just 3 months before she broke us up.  What happened?  She seems to want to discuss it now but I can only see it bringing more hurt.

It's like she lost her mind. She was down, resentful...ill?  She met some guy who made her feel brilliant about all her new shit and within a matter of weeks it had turned into an affair.

It's this stuff that I thought was behind me but has resurfaced.  Hopefully it'll only be for a few days.  And hopefully I can learn not to think so much!
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#10
My question to is can yiu forgive her? If I were yiu I would at least talk to her and put an end to it. She is obviously feeling terrible for what she has done and that’s the reason she wants to talk to you. If you can forgive her and remember good times you had together and put past behind you and look forward for the future then do it mate. Don’t do this for the sake of children do it for yourself.
If I had the same opportunity I’d do the same.
Good luck.
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