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1 Year on - 2 words to sum up the experience ....
#1
......yes it could be easily those but they aren't  Big Grin

Exactly a year ago the ex and our son left the FMH - with no previous experience or knowledge of what or how to prepare both myself and our son for seperation - its been quite a year !

Allegation after allegation with a continual ramping up in severity from the ex in her not being able to distinguish the difference or accept its not about supposed rights of parents but what is in the best interests of children in spending time with both parents.
5 months of preparing for a C.A.O. with further accusations from first hearing to final hearing. Exhausting - mentally emotionally and physically - done for the love and bond of my son and a determination that he has a relationship with both parents not just his mother. Financially brutal as if no agreement can be made  - then it can only be resolved through the Family Court at stagering cost. Each week and month having to take on more and more personal insults and allegations - having to stay calm and not being reactive in reply. It tests to the limit just about every human sense that we are born with. A year in I would not wish the experience on anyone.

I still struggle to sum up the process so far and whilst no where near the finish as a further hearing to my application of a serious breach to the order made just 10 days after it was given ( in challenging a 'lives with mother' order and being awarded a 'lives with both parents' brought malice and spitefulness to a new 
level !! ). The experience not just of separation from an ex but more so of our childrennd not being in their daily lives together with a Family Law system which is underfunded, overwhelmed and certainly in no way consistent. The level of disparity of detail and judgements as shown in the posts on the forum is bewildering and yet we are supposed to find away through it - testing us to our limits and beyond.

Defined orders and holidays ... the level of minute detail to be understood and agreed, differing length of holidays between school areas , the mis interpretation that confuses even legal advisers, solicitors, barristers and Justices all written in different ways. When finally sealed in an order - reinterpreted as ex's see fit ! Surely a more regularised holiday bands and standardised wording could be introduced that would reduce some costs and later acrimony !

To all of the on going car crash which we find ourselves in, with continual needless hurt and pain and trying to sum it all up I come back to a visit to the Court last August. I asked for some information and a Court Usher kindly went to the office and came back with it. I thanked her and she looked at me smiled and simply said "Good luck". It stuck with me as given almost as advice that was really meant.

With family law solicitors, barristers, the whole court process, endless documenting of possible evidence, Cafcass, Social Services, The Police, Schools and G.P's all used to try and show a deficency or error to my parenting ability - usually with inflamatory and untrue allegations to which we have to be patient and calm about - it should be clear consistent and defining at major points in the process. To keep some semblance of sanity and the belief that we are doing the right thing in the right way the legal process is so unbalanced with so many grey areas is it really right that the best we can hope for as Dads within this system, is "Good Luck". 

For such important matters of the well being of our children, in the 21st century thats a sad reflection of what's required to an ambiguous process thats extreme in personal cost, both financially and emotionally.
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#2
Agree 100% And particularly the bit about they really should have some good standard wording about the defined holidays! The argument against defining things too rigidly is they hope parents can agree things between them. Ha. If that was possible would we be spending all that money and hassle going to court?!

I think it is a big shame (understatement) that the campaign to make shared residence automatic on separation failed in 2014. But at least the Childrens Act was amended and the attitude of courts is better in that it is accepted that children will have regular and significant time with both parents (barring any welfare issues which is why ex's create them).

What annoys me though, is if an ex is preventing contact, and there are no welfare issues, surely that is against the law? It should be an offence.
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#3
(04-30-2019, 07:07 PM)High Peak Wrote: ......yes it could be easily those but they aren't  Big Grin

Exactly a year ago the ex and our son left the FMH - with no previous experience or knowledge of what or how to prepare both myself and our son for seperation - its been quite a year !

Allegation after allegation with a continual ramping up in severity from the ex in her not being able to distinguish the difference or accept its not about supposed rights of parents but what is in the best interests of children in spending time with both parents.
5 months of preparing for a C.A.O. with further accusations from first hearing to final hearing. Exhausting - mentally emotionally and physically - done for the love and bond of my son and a determination that he has a relationship with both parents not just his mother. Financially brutal as if no agreement can be made  - then it can only be resolved through the Family Court at stagering cost. Each week and month having to take on more and more personal insults and allegations - having to stay calm and not being reactive in reply. It tests to the limit just about every human sense that we are born with. A year in I would not wish the experience on anyone.

I still struggle to sum up the process so far and whilst no where near the finish as a further hearing to my application of a serious breach to the order made just 10 days after it was given ( in challenging a 'lives with mother' order and being awarded a 'lives with both parents' brought malice and spitefulness to a new 
level !! ). The experience not just of separation from an ex but more so of our childrennd not being in their daily lives together with a Family Law system which is underfunded, overwhelmed and certainly in no way consistent. The level of disparity of detail and judgements as shown in the posts on the forum is bewildering and yet we are supposed to find away through it - testing us to our limits and beyond.

Defined orders and holidays ... the level of minute detail to be understood and agreed, differing length of holidays between school areas , the mis interpretation that confuses even legal advisers, solicitors, barristers and Justices all written in different ways. When finally sealed in an order - reinterpreted as ex's see fit ! Surely a more regularised holiday bands and standardised wording could be introduced that would reduce some costs and later acrimony !

To all of the on going car crash which we find ourselves in, with continual needless hurt and pain and trying to sum it all up I come back to a visit to the Court last August. I asked for some information and a Court Usher kindly went to the office and came back with it. I thanked her and she looked at me smiled and simply said "Good luck". It stuck with me as given almost as advice that was really meant.

With family law solicitors, barristers, the whole court process, endless documenting of possible evidence, Cafcass, Social Services, The Police, Schools and G.P's all used to try and show a deficency or error to my parenting ability - usually with inflamatory and untrue allegations to which we have to be patient and calm about - it should be clear consistent and defining at major points in the process. To keep some semblance of sanity and the belief that we are doing the right thing in the right way the legal process is so unbalanced with so many grey areas is it really right that the best we can hope for as Dads within this system, is "Good Luck". 

For such important matters of the well being of our children, in the 21st century thats a sad reflection of what's required to an ambiguous process thats extreme in personal cost, both financially and emotionally.


So well written High Peak....you make great points and I wish you the very best of outcomes for your situation.

If I had to sum up my ongoing divorce in two words it would be "Forever single".....because that's what I intend to be...after 30 years with the same women and seeing how awful they can become I realise that I can never do marriage again....big part of me is sad about that, but knowing what I now know and reading what I see on here I think a bloke would be fcuikg crazy to marry again.

Good luck all will your escape plans...I hope you come out alive.
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#4
(04-30-2019, 07:07 PM)High Peak Wrote: ......yes it could be easily those but they aren't  Big Grin

Exactly a year ago the ex and our son left the FMH - with no previous experience or knowledge of what or how to prepare both myself and our son for seperation - its been quite a year !

Allegation after allegation with a continual ramping up in severity from the ex in her not being able to distinguish the difference or accept its not about supposed rights of parents but what is in the best interests of children in spending time with both parents.
5 months of preparing for a C.A.O. with further accusations from first hearing to final hearing. Exhausting - mentally emotionally and physically - done for the love and bond of my son and a determination that he has a relationship with both parents not just his mother. Financially brutal as if no agreement can be made  - then it can only be resolved through the Family Court at stagering cost. Each week and month having to take on more and more personal insults and allegations - having to stay calm and not being reactive in reply. It tests to the limit just about every human sense that we are born with. A year in I would not wish the experience on anyone.

I still struggle to sum up the process so far and whilst no where near the finish as a further hearing to my application of a serious breach to the order made just 10 days after it was given ( in challenging a 'lives with mother' order and being awarded a 'lives with both parents' brought malice and spitefulness to a new 
level !! ). The experience not just of separation from an ex but more so of our childrennd not being in their daily lives together with a Family Law system which is underfunded, overwhelmed and certainly in no way consistent. The level of disparity of detail and judgements as shown in the posts on the forum is bewildering and yet we are supposed to find away through it - testing us to our limits and beyond.

Defined orders and holidays ... the level of minute detail to be understood and agreed, differing length of holidays between school areas , the mis interpretation that confuses even legal advisers, solicitors, barristers and Justices all written in different ways. When finally sealed in an order - reinterpreted as ex's see fit ! Surely a more regularised holiday bands and standardised wording could be introduced that would reduce some costs and later acrimony !

To all of the on going car crash which we find ourselves in, with continual needless hurt and pain and trying to sum it all up I come back to a visit to the Court last August. I asked for some information and a Court Usher kindly went to the office and came back with it. I thanked her and she looked at me smiled and simply said "Good luck". It stuck with me as given almost as advice that was really meant.

With family law solicitors, barristers, the whole court process, endless documenting of possible evidence, Cafcass, Social Services, The Police, Schools and G.P's all used to try and show a deficency or error to my parenting ability - usually with inflamatory and untrue allegations to which we have to be patient and calm about - it should be clear consistent and defining at major points in the process. To keep some semblance of sanity and the belief that we are doing the right thing in the right way the legal process is so unbalanced with so many grey areas is it really right that the best we can hope for as Dads within this system, is "Good Luck". 

For such important matters of the well being of our children, in the 21st century thats a sad reflection of what's required to an ambiguous process thats extreme in personal cost, both financially and emotionally.

I was just browsing and saw this. This ought to be pinned as a reality check for today's Family Court. Disheartening yes, but if everyone just gives up (as my son did), then it's game over.
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