Beautiful Pain

[invisibleintellectual]

This Beautiful Pain

Just boarded a train
Two hours of a journey ahead of me
Each mile takes me closer to you
And closer to tears
I sit in the seat and curl up inside
The only good thing about today is you
I get to see you for two hours
120 awesome minutes
Filled with laughter and joy
Then it’s over
The emptiness after
Is the price I have to pay
I hate this system
This system that has torn not only you and I apart
But countless other families
It’s barbaric and emotionally traumatising
For all involved
Somethings got to give
Today it’s my heartstrings 
We will feel like we have never been apart
Though the miles take care of that
I wish it weren’t like this
That I could take you to see things
And do some awesome shit
But your slipping through my fingers
And there’s nothing I can do
I will take these 120 minutes
I will cherish them forever
And I will take so many pics today
It’s Mother’s Day today
So we will spend the time wrapping a present
Maybe some painting
Or some games
Each time I blink there’s a tear
But I am pretending to myself there isnt
Telling myself a lie I can cope with 
So I can get through today
And just for that brief period of time
Spent having so much fun
I will feel alive for a little while again 
But when it’s nearly over
We will both cry and wish it wasn’t
I will smile and tell you it’s ok
That I will see you soon
And that it will feel like we’ve never been apart
I will travel home with tears in my eyes
Lots of hankies will be needed
But you’re worth it
Your worth me travelling halfway across the country
Just to see you for a short while
And I will always cherish this time
I will always cherish this beautiful pain
Until next time kiddo
Love from your daddy x

[High Peak]

Invis - Immensely heartfelt and moving words to which I am sure many of us on our own journey's will fully understand each and every line.

There is nothing more simple and powerful to describe our times of restricted access with our children than 'Until next time kiddo - Love from
your Daddy x '

Not ashamed to say it brought tears to my eyes.

[SeanS]

I can relate every word in there. It is so beautiful even as it sank my heart. Strength to you invisible and all the daddy's out there. I'm looking forward to my 120 minutes tomorrow.

[DanDad]

Wow.

I'm not even in the same boat as a lot of you here are & couldn't even begin to imagine being in it, but that made my throat go & my eyes well up. Especially the closing two lines.

One day they'll know everything you went through just to see them & they'll appreciate you more than ever.

[Goetia]

Beautiful, and another father welling up reading it.

[Charlie7000]

Also welling up. Hope you are doing ok.

[DadDolent]

Wow Powerful words.

[jima]

Never posted on here before, been a silent observer, learning loads & dealing with my sh*t

Your poem has me in tears....

[invisibleintellectual]

Thank you all .... I havent said much for the past few months, went through a bad breakup around Christmas - nobody really at fault, but I then thought fuck it ... and started socialising in my "local" (I dont drink anymore but its fun to people watch), and a few people started chatting with me (some had been chatting to me for a few months previous).

Those people literally saved me, I wrote "Beautiful Pain" when I was going up to see my kid, and it was raw for me - and something that did bring me to tears ...... but I got through it ... and the tears dont come as often as they used to now .... but it still hurts sometimes.... and I still write a lot ... I find that very cathartic and allows me to write down and get the pain out of my system - so theres some good.

The friends I spoke about earlier - well we were out for a beer one day (them, not me!), and the subject of a holiday came up - and it turned out one of us had a mum who owned a caravan in Hayling Island - so we procrastinated and all hummed and ha'd about it - as you do ..... and then one night we were out again and I said "we are just dicking about we will go at the last May bank holiday" - to be honest - it scared the holy seven bells of shit out of me.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made, I got there on Thursday at around 11pm (dont ask!), and I spent the weekend cooking upon cooking upon cooking - it was awesome (I work in IT and live alone, so there is never usually anyone other than me to cater for, but this weekend I had about 8, and a hungover american), I came back yesterday - and though I was so knackered and I couldnt really keep my eyes open - I knew that I had such an awesome time.  

I went for a walk in the town center - and the woman I broke up with in December walked past me with her kid, and it didnt hurt, and I was able to speak to my ex wife and my own kid as well - it didnt hurt then either ...... I feel I have turned a corner.

Its taken something like two years for me - I am currently single and now enjoying it .... I smile where I used to hate waking up .... I actually am awake before my alarm (WTF is THAT about!!!!), and I am in work at least an hour before I should be.

For those struggling right now, for those thinking this is a bleak path - its not ...... one day your shit will come together, and you will just "know" you have turned that corner.

I may share more of my writings ... cant guarantee that they will be of the same quality - but thank you guys for the feedback.

---

I have actually just seen that this thread has been rated five stars - thank you all so much

[Charlie7000]

That is good news! Sounds like you need some more of those trips. I got on a plane and went to spain for a holiday when I was going under once - and didn't come back for 3 months!