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Reverse position question.
#1
Like virtually most guys on here I have interacted with, I take being a Dad extremely seriously, I’ve never let my children down, I always paid what I needed to, and I fought my way through the family courts on multiple occasions to get shared care. Therefore, it gets on my goat when a bloke who has kids but doesn’t care, or doesn’t do their best for their children because it gives all us Dads a bad name in the face of a sexist regime that still positively discriminates in favour of Mums regardless of their behaviour.

Anyway, rant over, however I feel I needed to explain the above before asking this question:

I have a step child and their Dad has been a hot and cold parent the entire time I have been in their life, his payments and interest are sporadic. For the last few years around the same time he always seems to “lose” his job so no money is sent. Due to me, we have given him more than enough understanding and opportunity for the sake of the child, even accepting monthly payments well below what we are told via CMS that he should be paying, but it is starting to wear thin especially as he is a born liar so it’s hard to believe him when he claims to be out of work.

Does anyone have any advice on what we should do next? As far as I see it, we either:
  • Report him to child maintenance and ask them to collect the money, but if we do this he will more than likely work cash in hand to spite us. He lives a very long way away so it’s impossible to know what he is actually doing.
  • Leave it as it is and just hope he starts paying again at some point in the future, but this puts our family under financial pressures which seem unfair.
  • Start restricting contact until he ups his game, but this sits VERY uneasy with me due to what I have been through, and the fact I know it will upset his child, the real victim in all this.
I am torn on this one, I want to support my wife but I also see things through the eyes of someone who has had to deal with lots of crap to have decent access to my own children.

All thoughts welcome
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#2
Number 2 probably but opinions will vary. It's always best to stay out of disputes but good you handled it the way you have so far.

Us dads on here all want to see our children though and have exs that will do anything to stop it.
This results in dads not getting on with step dads as they automatically treat you similar to ex as they only know 1 side of story. In ideal world on here us dads want to see our children and have no dramas and co parent with childens mum which then would see u get on with step dad . And we all pay maintenance.
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#3
Thank you both, very much appreciated
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#4
Please dont do Option 3.

Maybe worth a chat with him?
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#5
(06-20-2019, 07:58 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: Please dont do Option 3.

Maybe worth a chat with him?

We really don’t want to, and that will always be the last option while I have any say in anything.

However, you have to understand this isn’t a man that is trying hard, this isn’t a Dad doing all he can. IF he took his responsibility as seriously as others he would get a permanent job in his local area (and yes there are many albeit min wage roles in retail, he just doesn’t like doing them), he would call his child regularly but doesn’t unless we get them to call him, would visit more than once a year, would send gifts for birthdays/Christmas/easter every year, would cut back on personal luxuries such as drink and cigarettes to ensure he can afford things.

Our family is not rich, we work every hour under the sun to keep our heads JUST above water, so its infuriating when someone who gets the state to pay for everything keeps letting you down to even pay the little they do.
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#6
(06-20-2019, 12:22 PM)Tigre Wrote: Well we never know why people act how they do. He is a product of his environment and might be suffering from issues that we are unaware of, and that's why he can't do better, and that's "OK"
BUT
That doesn't mean that you have to dig yourself in a grave for him. If you guys are struggling matters change. Because if you are just about surviving what happens if things go bad and you have no emergency money? Or savings for kids futures or yours? Is that guy gonna come in and save the day and pay your rent keep a roof over your head and food on the table? Not likely. And neither will no one else.. And your kids AND his kids will suffer.. And you will get the blame! Because you're the resident parents. In my opinion you need to think of your family first and not a grown up. So sorry but not sorry I think 1 is fair. You're only asking him to pay legal amount. And if he changes his work to cash in hand so be it. Nothing you can do about that. At least you did the right thing. Just my opinion

Thank you Tigre. The wife and I have discussed it more and we are going to give him a few more months to try and sort it out first and then re-evaluate
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#7
(06-20-2019, 10:50 AM)Goetia Wrote:
(06-20-2019, 07:58 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote: Please dont do Option 3.

Maybe worth a chat with him?

We really don’t want to, and that will always be the last option while I have any say in anything.

However, you have to understand this isn’t a man that is trying hard, this isn’t a Dad doing all he can. IF he took his responsibility as seriously as others he would get a permanent job in his local area (and yes there are many albeit min wage roles in retail, he just doesn’t like doing them), he would call his child regularly but doesn’t unless we get them to call him, would visit more than once a year, would send gifts for birthdays/Christmas/easter every year, would cut back on personal luxuries such as drink and cigarettes to ensure he can afford things.

Our family is not rich, we work every hour under the sun to keep our heads JUST above water, so its infuriating when someone who gets the state to pay for everything keeps letting you down to even pay the little they do.

Im sorry to hear that.

Always disappointing hearing that about supposed fathers
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#8
It is disappointing to hear this when there are Dads paying in full, on time, often paying extras and still hardly seeing their kids.
If reasonable discussion can't encourage him to pay, option 1. It is his responsibility. He might try to dodge it anyway, but that is up to him.
I think he would prefer option 2, but that doesn't help your family with the harsh realities.
Definitely not option 3. Be the bigger person.
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#9
(06-20-2019, 02:46 PM)Skintdad Wrote: It is disappointing to hear this when there are Dads paying in full, on time, often paying extras and still hardly seeing their kids.
If reasonable discussion can't encourage him to pay, option 1. It is his responsibility. He might try to dodge it anyway, but that is up to him.
I think he would prefer option 2, but that doesn't help your family with the harsh realities.
Definitely not option 3. Be the bigger person.

Cheers Skintdad
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