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what to do
#1
Hi all. Cut a long story short. Things not been good for years. Found out she went with someone else. Didn't take advice and deal with it then. Year and a half on and I couldn't take it anymore..so we had the chat yesterday about separation. We kind agreed that selling house was the only way to go. Feel so bad for the kids we have let them down. Now I haven't told my family or friends anything as we still haven't decided on when and how we are going to do this ...but she has spoken to her sister and friends and I see a change in her...she kinda putting it onto me...do I want to do this to the kids can I not just live as a family with them as a parents just not partners. ( this is why I'm so down atm because that is what we are doing she does her thing and I do her thing and the kids thing). YOU don't want to live like this anymore because YOUR not happy ( should that not be WE are not happy). Sorry about this post is have nobody to talk to about this until I tell my family and what little friends I have left about our mess. I was feeling better today like a weight had been lifted of my shoulder but after that chat I feel awful. I DON'T want to split the family up its killing me inside just thinking ov it. Maybe if we had spoken and tried harder a few years ago and you didn't go with some other guy would could stay together as a family but.....I just don't think I can. And that makes me sad...sorry again for the long post....just needed to write it down I know it's not talking about it but it's the next best thing...I'm not good at talking about my emotions or feelings. And not sure who I can talk to.
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#2
You need to speak to your family & friends, do not deal with this on your own.

I did similar initially (we broke up in June last year) & she almost beat me into absolute submission with all the guilt trips over our kids & how I should just leave & she'll keep the family home & basically live the life of riley while I fester somewhere.

Speaking to people (my family & friends) opened my eyes & gave me the strength to stand my ground & make things work so we can all have a life moving forward.

A year & a bit down the line, our house is sold, I've bought a place, she's done the same & it's now down to weeks for it all to complete.

It's been a shit year, no two ways about it, living under the same roof as her has been hell & it's been a daily battle to try & keep the kids out of it as much as possible (not always happened) but they've come to terms with it all now, as will yours.

Speak to people, get advice, get reassurance & remember that you need to look after yourself as much as everyone else in this situation.
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#3
Children pick up on lots of things . You are best selling house and parting ways . Children will be much happier if mum and dad amicable and you get as close to 50/50 contact you can. They will have 2 homes and will adapt quickly especially if you are able to be friends or at least co parent.. if you carry on how you are it could become hostile and you will be unhappy
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#4
Thanks for the advice DanDad. I now think it's time to talk....I have bottled it all up for over a year now and it's not good for the head. Now we have spoken I think I can now.
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#5
Get it out in the open, banging it around in your head is doing you no good at all.

I found myself in a very dark place about a year ago & that was not good but I got past it with just speaking about it. They say "a problem shared is a problem halved", I wont necessarily agree with the "halved" bit but it kept me sane & gave me the ability to move forward.
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#6
Yeah Warwickshire I think my eldest has already picked up on it. I know myself I will be happier away from her and she will be happier away from me...we are both unhappy. I can't go on the way we are...not after her what she done. And I know the kids will be OK. Just the thought of doing it to them that's troubling me. But I love them and will be a better father to them away from there mother...I hope
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#7
Have to agree with what’s already been said. I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a controlling ex to the point where I suffered with anxiety quite badly that was still quite bad until recently. Best thing I ever did was walk away (she was already seeing a guy behind my back so made the decision 10x easier) and I have to say since sorting out finances and access to my son I feel a totally different person, barely any anxiety now and I feel a lot more confident in myself. Didn’t realise how low I had sunk with my ex until I got out. I’m not going to lie the first 6 months were awful but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I truly believe time is a great healer. Good luck and keep us posted!
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#8
I hear you a astroman and dandad I'm in that dark place and I also suffer from bad anxiety...I used to be confident calm outgoing and happy...self esteem at rock bottom now and I'm a shadow of the man I used to be...only way I can get back on track is away from her...I truly believe that.
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#9
Trust me mate it’ll get better. It’s really tough feeling like you’ve let your kids down because of a failed relationship. However what you soon realise is it’s for their benefit and they can have a nice time with both parents. The amount of people I know who suffer and to a degree make their kids suffer because they feel trapped is scary, it takes a really big person to move on and walk away, not only for your sake but for your children’s. Stay positive, family and friend support was massive for me.
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#10
Thanks astroman this is what I need to hear right now.
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