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Constant changing of arrangement with no valid reason.
#1
Hi everyone.

I’m hopeing I can get some valuable advice here as some of you may know the rediculous amounts of money which can be spent on solicitors letters etc.

I am a father of twins. Boy and a girl 5 years old. Recently my son has expressed he doesn’t want to come to mine for some reason. And is adamant. So my ex partner has flatly said from now you pick them up on a Saturday at 8:30 and drop them back at dinner time.

Our previous agreement through CSA was Friday night to Sunday bedtime. Every fortnight. Yes I know it’s not a huge amount but financially at the moment it’s the best I can stick too.

Out of no where she now wants to change it to pick up at Saturday 10:30 stay overnight drop back Sunday at 2pm.

I feel this is unfair and there isn’t a need to change the arrangement that’s in place as it’s stood for 3 years so far. I understand if my son doesn’t want to come I can’t force him but if he wants to go home early then so be it. But why should my daughter now miss out aswell.

I’m torn at what to do as my solicitor has said file a c100 form for a CAO which means I need a MIAM. Ex partner is very smart in txts. She agrees in txts but face to face refuses and says if you want mediation you pay for it all. Other than that what I say is best for MY children will stick.

Her reasoning behind this or as far as I’m aware is. It’s irresponsible parenting of me. That my son wakes at 5am and goes down stairs and plays with he’s toys or puts a film on and watches that. What am I meant to do set an alarm for 4am to make sure I’m up before him.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on. I hope someone can give me some advice.
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#2
(01-13-2020, 11:16 AM)TwinDad101 Wrote: Hi everyone.

I’m hopeing I can get some valuable advice here as some of you may know the rediculous amounts of money which can be spent on solicitors letters etc.

I am a father of twins. Boy and a girl 5 years old. Recently my son has expressed he doesn’t want to come to mine for some reason. And is adamant. So my ex partner has flatly said from now you pick them up on a Saturday at 8:30 and drop them back at dinner time.

Our previous agreement through CSA was Friday night to Sunday bedtime. Every fortnight. Yes I know it’s not a huge amount but financially at the moment it’s the best I can stick too.

Out of no where she now wants to change it to pick up at Saturday 10:30 stay overnight drop back Sunday at 2pm.

I feel this is unfair and there isn’t a need to change the arrangement that’s in place as it’s stood for 3 years so far. I understand if my son doesn’t want to come I can’t force him but if he wants to go home early then so be it. But why should my daughter now miss out aswell.

I’m torn at what to do as my solicitor has said file a c100 form for a CAO which means I need a MIAM. Ex partner is very smart in txts. She agrees in txts but face to face refuses and says if you want mediation you pay for it all. Other than that what I say is best for MY children will stick.

Her reasoning behind this or as far as I’m aware is. It’s irresponsible parenting of me. That my son wakes at 5am and goes down stairs and plays with he’s toys or puts a film on and watches that. What am I meant to do set an alarm for 4am to make sure I’m up before him.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on. I hope someone can give me some advice.

I have a feeling that your ex has discovered that your CMS payments will go up if she can reduce the number of nights you have the child.
Its in 2 brackets, where up to 52 nights a year, there is no deduction, 53-104 there is, and more at 105-156 and 157-175.

You can get Legal Aid for Medication. You both apply for this via the Mediation Company assuming they do Legal Aid, so they will means test her to decide if she has to pay or not, and the same with you. Either way, its not down to you to pay this for her.

To go to Court in most cases, you need either
1, Her to no show for Mediation (they will give you a letter to file at Court),
2, the Mediation Company to declair "Deadlock"
3, a Mediation Agreement to be made, and not followed by either party.

Your contact is based on what times and days you can do, but the court looks at it in 2 ways.
"Care Time", Monday to Thursdays in school term. You will only get contact then if you can show that it is workable.
"Quality Time", being weekend and school holidays. You will get 50% of this if you ask a Court, so the normal starting point is every other weekend, that being Friday - Sunday.

Also Christmas and other significant dates should be shared or turns each.

With school holidays, most people only get 4 weeks off work a year, so you could ask for a week at Easter and Christmas, and 2 weeks (plus another weekend) in the 6 week holidays.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
(01-13-2020, 05:19 PM)MarkR Wrote: Its in 2 brackets, where up to 52 nights a year, there is no deduction, 53-104 there is, and more at 105-156 and 157-175.

You can get Legal Aid for Medication. You both apply for this via the Mediation Company assuming they do Legal Aid, so they will means test her to decide if she has to pay or not, and the same with you. Either way, its not down to you to pay this for her.

To go to Court in most cases, you need either
1, Her to no show for Mediation (they will give you a letter to file at Court),
2, the Mediation Company to declair "Deadlock"
3, a Mediation Agreement to be made, and not followed by either party.

Your contact is based on what times and days you can do, but the court looks at it in 2 ways.
"Care Time", Monday to Thursdays in school term. You will only get contact then if you can show that it is workable.
"Quality Time", being weekend and school holidays. You will get 50% of this if you ask a Court, so the normal starting point is every other weekend, that being Friday - Sunday.

Also Christmas and other significant dates should be shared or turns each.

With school holidays, most people only get 4 weeks off work a year, so you could ask for a week at Easter and Christmas, and 2 weeks (plus another weekend) in the 6 week holidays.

Hi Thankyou for your reply. 

I agree I think it could be due to the more money I would have to pay her. 

But although the agreement that is currently with the CSA isn’t legally binding. Surely she can’t just pick and choose when I can and can’t see the children. Surely I have some rights? To be able to Appose her new arrangement. Surely I don’t have to go through life constantly bowing to my ex as that’s what it feels like. 

And 4 weeks holiday. I actually only get 15 days that I can freely take when I want. But as much as I want to see my children. Surely I’m allowed to have a personal holiday to myself ex is allowed to go away on holiday and have “her” time so am I not allowed “my” time. 

I work 7 days a week on the weeks I don’t have my children from 7am-8pm same on weekends that I don’t have them excluding the Sunday which is the day I use to do my food shopping and other amenities. Forgive me if I sound selfish but why is it always okay for the “ex” to carry on living a lovely wonderful life with all luxuries. Yet I work 24/7 so to speak just to keep a crappy 2 bed rental afloat so atleast when I do have my 2 kids they have a house to come too. Yet I’m penalised for taking a 5 day holiday for myself and my partner.
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#4
If you go to family court and there are no safeguarding issues that arise you will be given Friday pick up from school and drop back sunday 5pm (approx.) every other weekend and half the school holidays if u ask for them. you may also get tea/supper midweek if workable or even pick up from school midweek drop off to school in morning. its about your availability and not hers. family courts will however look to ensure there is routine and stability for children so generally set days and times or if you do shift work it would be in a cycle if that makes sense wk1/wk2/wk3 then back to week 1 etc
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#5
(01-13-2020, 08:09 PM)warwickshire1 Wrote: If you go to family court and there are no safeguarding issues that arise you will be given Friday pick up from school and drop back sunday 5pm (approx.) every other weekend and half the school holidays if u ask for them. you may also get tea/supper midweek if workable or even pick up from school midweek drop off to school in morning. its about your availability and not hers. family courts will however look to ensure there is routine and stability for children so generally set days and times or if you do shift work it would be in a cycle if that makes sense wk1/wk2/wk3 then back to week 1 etc

There was an allegation that my son made at school that he see a video on my phone. Which resulted in him taking a pupils hand and putting it on he’s private parts. Which is totally out of character for him. 

I was contacted by a front door officer who relayed the information given. I then proceeded with a meeting at the school setup by myself and when told them what I was told by the front door officer they looked shocked and said no that’s not what we have written here. I then decided to ring the front door officer back who then told me a completely different and even worse story of the events which was forwarded by the school. 

Every person I speak too seems to add there own little bit into the mix.
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#6
I would go straight to family court and get this resolved. I can allegation after allegation coming which needs to be stamped out . remember its only allegations doesn't seem like people necessarily believe it . it is always the way people add things and it becomes even worse
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#7
(01-14-2020, 08:15 AM)warwickshire1 Wrote: I would go straight to family court and get this resolved. I can allegation after allegation coming which needs to be stamped out . remember its only allegations doesn't seem like people necessarily believe it . it is always the way people add things and it becomes even worse

When I spoke to my sons school and the front door officer I said if you have to involve the police I’m happy to hand over my phone. As I know they won’t find anything. 

Just find it odd how the ex always gets first wind of everything.
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#8
It sounds a bit concerning to me that your son is refusing to come. Does he seem happy and having a good time when he's with you? If so your ex may be not encouraging his time with you. Yep if they get up at 5am you need to get up too! I think I didn't stop doing that till son was about 8. They could injure themselves or something and there's electrical safety etc to think about. I used to keep son up a bit later and then he'd sleep a bit later - ie till about 8pm - not really any later than that. I also used to tell him to either stay in his room or come into my room and wake me rather than go down on his own.

I would bend over backwards to keep your ex onside if you can and just agree with any child focused stuff she feels strongly about. Say you won't let him get up on his own and you want a full week-end with the kids and want her to encourage them to come. Sounds like she's a bit anxious as well as calling all the shots.

What kind of time would you like with them? I'm guessing you couldn't do a midweek night, so it would be every other week-end and half the holidays. Or you could just ask for a week at Easter and in the summer and a few days at Christmas.

Have you asked him about what he said/did at school? Could it be possible he looked something up by accident on your phone?
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#9
(01-15-2020, 01:54 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: It sounds a bit concerning to me that your son is refusing to come.  Does he seem happy and having a good time when he's with you?  If so your ex may be not encouraging his time with you.  Yep if they get up at 5am you need to get up too!  I think I didn't stop doing that till son was about 8.  They could injure themselves or something and there's electrical safety etc to think about.  I used to keep son up a bit later and then he'd sleep a bit later - ie till about 8pm - not really any later than that.  I also used to tell him to either stay in his room or come into my room and wake me rather than go down on his own.

I would bend over backwards to keep your ex onside if you can and just agree with any child focused stuff she feels strongly about.  Say you won't let him get up on his own and you want a full week-end with the kids and want her to encourage them to come.  Sounds like she's a bit anxious as well as calling all the shots.

What kind of time would you like with them?  I'm guessing you couldn't do a midweek night, so it would be every other week-end and half the holidays. Or you could just ask for a week at Easter and in the summer and a few days at Christmas.

Have you asked him about what he said/did at school?  Could it be possible he looked something up by accident on your phone?

Hi Charlie. 

Appreciate your reply. And I do get what you mean about electrical safety etc. But my son gets up early and goes straight down stairs puts he’s child’s YouTube on or plays with he’s toys. When he’s hungry is when he comes and wakes me up and that’s then when I’m up doing bits. Ex tells then to stay in their room untill their sunshine clock comes on which I’m guessing is timed to when she wakes up and they stay in their room. Playing on their iPads or watching tv. But my question is. What differsnce is that too Him going downstairs putting the tv on or playing with he’s toys. Electrical safety will still apply to hes bedroom  surely. 

And no matter how late they go to bed they still wake up at the crack of dawn. 

Unfortunately I can’t do midweek. I use to take them out for dinner on a Wednesday eve but since I’ve moved 40 miles away as it’s cheaper and all I could afford by the time I get there she says it’s too late. Which is understandable. 

With regards to how he is with me he’s fine. Always laughing having fun. Badgering me to do this and that with him so he’s showing willingness and always goes home and aparantly tells mum how much fun he’s had. 

With regards to keeping ex on side. I somewhat agree. But surely I have a say to some degree. Which with everyone I speak to seems that I clearly don’t. Does no one find that strange. What so because she booted me out and ended the relationship she has everything her way all of the time. Surely the kids having every other weekend Friday to Sunday eve for 2-3 years now wanting to change it to one day every other week isn’t in the best interest of the child?
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#10
I've seen kids of all ages have accidents because they were unattended. I'm in agreement with Charlie, have your child wake you up when they get up (it's just a phase). Having your child go and switch on electronic devices at 5am is just giving ammunition to your ex.
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